Thursday, November 30, 2006

Reflections on one month...

....of writing.

I have some mixed feelings about this past month. By nature, I am not a chatty person. I have no illusions that my life minuteia is of interest to anyone. For this past month, I made the conscious decision to write daily, regardless of how it felt. If it felt bad, good or otherwise, I sat down here at this desk and pounded it out.

Sometimes it was an awesome experience when I'd hear from others and we'd interact. To get positive feedback was very encouraging. Other times, there was a fear of hollering into the great vast nothingness. On a personal level, there was some regret ~ regret at having said one thing or another that may have brought disapproval. It made me aware that I am still far too dependent on the approval of others. While that is not a bad thing intrinsically since we need to care how others perceive us, when it is out of balance it's unhealthy. I've hit that unhealthy space a few times. The way to be a force for good in the world is to put aside the self and that kind of egoism. I have not always done that well. Lesson learning. Not learned. Yet.

Yesterday when I read Sevenwind's post, I went out in the back yard for a smoke. (Yes, I know it's bad for my health. Thank you.) I sat and thought about that. How in the world could my puny, meaningless navel-gazing could be of interest to anyone? There comes a time when it is appropriate to stop imitating Thai values and to live 'em!

And, yes, I needed to be that blunt. Yesterday, Sevenwinds was my teacher ~ and gave me a needed kick in the ass.
That doesn't mean I'll ever be out in the world "making my mark". That isn't my style and I don't want it to be my style. I am a very quiet person, not assertive, and don't plan to become such. At the same time, there are many ways to contribute more to the pool of light we all draw on.

Sometimes it's been a growing experience as I look over what I've written and peices fall into place that didn't quite make sense. In particular, writing about my years in the desert gave me some perspective on how it happened. I was always so afraid of rejection that I just stopped moving at all. I did everything possible to be small and invisible because that was safer than the risk of not being liked. It never ceases to amaze me how much unhealed crap sticks around, never truly healing until it is exposed to the harshness of light.

Sometimes someone would share a snippet of thought that would set me off on a time of reflection, a new book bought, something learned, something to consider that changed my way of viewing the world on a fairly permanent basis. One of the downsides of being a loner and a nomad is that we sometimes don't get as much input from others as we should. We can become insular. For every one of you who have consistently read what I had to say, probably even when it generated nothing more than a bone-crushing yawn, I thank you. I thank you for watching the Chani-paint dry when probably just about anything would have been preferable ... like overnight infomercials.

From here on, I am not going to commit to writing daily. I will write when I have something to say, something that is thoughtful and considerate, something that will contribute to the light in the world. My guess is that a few times a week, maybe more some weeks, will be my pattern. Sometimes every day if I'm on a rip. It's important now for me to make the choice on a daily basis.

This is not a goodbye. It is just a "see you less often". I value all of you and have come to "know" some of you as well as fellow travelers on the Internet can. I enjoy keeping up with you and knowing how you are doing, what you're thinking about, what you're reading and doing. You are all a wonder ~ and such a gift to this eccentric old loner.

So.. I'll see you later. :)

May peace be with you all ~



Gobody said...

From a loner to a loner, I laughed when you said “I thank you for watching the Chani-paint dry when probably just about anything would have been preferable ... like overnight infomercials.” I have never watched late night infomercials, so I don’t know how boring they are ;). But boring; you are anything but. You have a very good talent in writing, and the volume of your ‘fellowship” is a good indicator. Luckily, I don’t get envious; otherwise I would be very.

Wishing you all the best, and write only when it feels fun to do so.

Pam said...

I have enjoyed reading about your journey and have related to a lot of it. I have been down some of your paths and understand much about where you've been and where you are going and admire your honesty.
You make us think and that is good.
And I like the way your words reach out and take us with you as you search for your truths.
So I will check every day, as I always do, and be glad when you are there.

Anonymous said...

I know you are probably not looking for input like this, but I for one would love to learn more about the time you spent in Thailand and how that touched you to want to make a permanent move there, and try and "live Thai" in the States.

Maybe this is my nosey nature, but you are taking such an interesting path and I like to know details! :-)

meno said...

I too laughed at "watching the Chani-paint dry" line. I consider myself easily bored, and i am still reading and enjoying you very much. So write when the spirit moves you, and i'll be here to read. Thanks.

jen said... and daufiero, both in one day.

and for the record - i've never felt bored over here. i think you are a bit hard on yourself in that regard....but i so understand where that comes from - and i go there too.

i'll take what i can get, chani, so write when it moves you, and i'll be here to gobble it up.

MsLittlePea said...

What??! What? No no no! Just kidding! I've gained a lot of insight from your writing and admire your honesty and courage to be vulnerable. Write when you want to-it's not a chore! I will definitely keep checking to see what you have to say here and there. In the mean time, take care....

Bob said...

Like the others I too have enjoyed reading you here everyday. I made a commitment this month merely to post regularly. I can understand how this could be a chore instead a tool for - growth? shared enlightenment? In any case, I will check often in anticipation of the next time you feel moved to reach out to us.

May you find peace.

Dogwalkmusings said...

I think you'll find most of us who have been around this weird world of blogging for awhile have backed off from daily postings. It can be addictive but also draining both intellectually and emotionally.

You'll be around. You're too good not to be. And, for what it's worth, I'll be watching.

Ginnie said...

Chani: I will miss your daily input but I understand completely. I post every other day now. The way I keep the pressure off is that I write articles when the urge comes to me and then I keep them in a file on my computer. When I post I just pull from that really makes it easy for me and I don't feel like I'm
"under the gun" all the time.
I've really enjoyed getting to know you and will look forward to whatever and whenever you write.

Anvilcloud said...

Write when you want about what you want, but it doesn't have to earth-shattering or of monumental importance. It's interesting, not boring, to read your thoughts on whatever level.

Sevenwinds said...

Your blog entries have been thought provolking and I have enjoyed reading them. As for me being your teacher, I think you have learned more about yourself, from yourself, on this journey than anyone. You have really been your own teacher, drawing from knowledge through the interaction with others on this wonderful internet medium.

Don't worry about posting daily, as the inspirations to post will come with the many exciting events that will come up as you make your way over to Thailand. You may be so inspired that you may want to post more than once a day!

Chani said...

Gobody, believe me... they're boring! LOL .. I am occasionally unable to sleep and have watched a few. Thanks for the compliments. :)


Pam, thank you so much. :) I value what you have to say as well.


Anonymous, I have covered that some, particularly in the very beginning when no one was reading here. :) I will try to write something during the next week to explain it. It's such a visceral experience that it's actually difficult to pinpoint. It's like an discovery. It happens in phases until we finally "get it".


Meno... thanks. :)


Jen, I was so startled by Daufiero's announcement. It was kind of shocking.. and I can't believe she won't be writing any more!


MsPea, thank you. :) I will definitely be writing.. just a bit more sporadically. It's unlikely that I'll ever let it go for more than three days though. These blogs have to stay active or they just die.


Bob, thank you. :) May you find peace, too! It was just getting too hard to come up with something every day. I am a person who has been known to be quiet for two or three days at a time.


Mari, I think that's true. It's always better to be in balance. There will be times when I have something to say every day. I just want to have flexibility. Otherwise, the well will just run dry. I know me well enough to get that for certain. :)


Ginnie, that's a good idea to write a few in advance. That sounds like the most sensible approach. Some mornings I'd get up and think, "oh, crap! What should I write today?" Meanwhile, I really just wanted to be quiet and cuddle with my dog. LOL


Thanks, Anvil. I will keep that in mind. My perfectionism comes from having been a newspaper columnist. If I wasn't sufficiently interesting, I had an editor on my back. LOL


Sevenwinds In The Light... thank you. :) You're right. I tried to kind of say that today when mentioning that we can become insular. Hearing from others does make us think. Some inspire us, like you do. It's a wonderful way to form community.

I will be floating on a cloud when I am finally headed for Thailand. I want to sit under that tree again in Khon Kaen.. and thank all that is good that I've finally come home. I probably won't write for the first week or so. I'll be too busy crying in relief and gratitude. :)

Peace everyone! Please be well...



KC said...

I totally understand this decision. I think you'll find that it's a nice place to be, posting when inspiration hits, taking days off to simply reflect and be. We'll still be here waiting for your epiphanies!

Sorry I'm always late to the show! Long day...

Annie said...

Chani -- Write when the mood strikes and the time presents itself. Even I have a new posting on my blog!! WOW Wonders never cease! LOL I'm all for do-it-when-it-feels-good. I've enjoyed you visiting my blog and I've enjoyed reading yours and will still. Several of us posted a question about that one picture a few posts ago. Is it a picture of YOU? we wanted to know.

liz elayne said...

the fear of rejection inviting one to not move at all. oh how this is something that i know. it isn't something i am conscious that i do...but i know i do sometimes. though the lack of movement is its own choice i think.

so glad you are feeling your way through it, moving, expanding. and it is good to set the boundary to post when you feel moved to post without as much concern for what someone else with think...

to let go of the fear of the judgement...this is part of my practice right now. how hard it is but how real it is as well.

QT said...

Chani -I just wanted to echo everyone's thoughts. I enjoy reading your blog. I think attempting to post something everyday is great as a once in awhile exercise or for an aspiring novelist. For the rest of us, as you pointed out, it starts to either become stressful or desperate. I had a JOB where I had to write every day - it is not relaxing!

The point of this whole blogging thing is, in my opinion, to do whatever you want. You can be deep one day and not so much the other. But certainly don't apologize for anything you decide is appropriate for YOU in your own, personal space.

We read some of the same blogs so I'll still get to read your thoughts via the comments section. And often, when you are out there visiting, something on another blog will pique your interest in writing a post.

Thailand Gal said...

KC, thanks. :) I'm sure I will still be around enough to throw my IEDs into the mix occasionally. LOL


Annie, no. That is not me. I don't look that good. (laugh). Seriously. I don't. That woman is kind of pretty though, isn't she?


Liz, fear of rejection probably motivates a lot of us whether we know it or not. This culture rejects far too easily ~ so it is hard to avoid it. I've always been rather thin-skinned so I allowed it to keep me from living fully. Bad choice. :)


QT, I can't imagine not commenting! That would be going too far. LOL

Peace all ~ :)