Coming home... going home...

"Anonymous" asked me why I am so drawn to Thai culture, so much so that I have chosen to adopt it here. That really took some thought and even then, there is only a partial explanation. Part of it is experiential and doesn't lend itself to description ~ because it is a feeling.

There are aspects of Thai culture that to a born westerner are obnoxious. The lack of specifics, the disregard of time, the clearing of nostrils in public, squat toilets, trash cans filled with used toilet tissue, the lack of follow-through, (A Thai person will say anything, as long as it works in the moment), elements of kreng jai that feel dishonest and an assortment of other behaviors that really grated on my nerves. And that's not to mention the heat and the bugs.

Still, there was a visceral connection letting me know that somehow, for some reason, I *belonged*. It felt familiar. There is something inherent to the culture that acknowledges and recognizes our humanity. There are rituals and customs that honor the emotional and spiritual dimensions of us that are not present (in my perception) here.

I've never belonged here. Honestly, there is a not a single day when I felt at home, comfortable, accepted or included. I always felt alienated, separate and not embraced. Western culture feels sterile to me, one-dimensional and market-centric. While it gives lip service to family and friends, bonding and shared experience, there is nothing in the culture that actually supports it. It supports all the things necessary to make money, to obtain power and to be better than everyone else. It supports self-esteem over regard for others and it supports individual freedom above the good of all. "Rational self-interest" is a perfectly acceptable cultural edict. I'm sick of focus on the "self". Sick, sick, sick, heartsick of it.

In Thailand, I felt almost instantly "at home". The habits and customs took root rapidly. They just seemed so natural that it was seamless. I was smiling and wai-ing like I'd been at it all my life within a few weeks. My smiles were quite authentic, too, because everything was comfortable. It was like being included for the first time in the cycle and rhythm of life. Even the begging taxi drivers didn't bother me much. It all seemed to be part of the deep, rich tapestry that is Thailand.

When I came back, it felt like being thrown into a pool of freezing water. Being away from Thailand hurt so much that it caused me physical pain. That is when I came up with the rather radical idea of bringing Thailand to me here until I can get there. Some of us are so open, so vulnerable, that we need these rituals and customs to maintain a feeling of connection. I'm probably on the far end of that continuum. While Thailand is in my heart daily ~ all the time ~ I also want the outer manifestations. I want to touch it, smell it, see it, and hear it. That is why I am surrounded by Morlam music. That is why I carry a small amount of Thai soil in a locket necklace which never comes off except when showering. That is why I cook Thai food. That is why I bought all the clothes (which I can ill-afford). Do I miss my jeans and t-shirts? Hell, yes! But my connection to *it* is so important that I willingly give up old ways that didn't serve me or anyone who surrounds me. The name of the country is tattooed on my wrist. You know, I am saying this rather obviously. I'm fully committed.


The customs reach deep to the core of who I am and allow creative expression of who I truly am. By internalizing all of this, I have become a better person because my heart is full. That helps me to contribute to the lives around me in a more meaningful way. By allowing me to express more of me, I have much more to give to others.

And, yes, there are probably some people who think I am a flaming nut. I made a radical decision and radical decisions sometimes have radical consequences. That needs to be okay because if those perceptions limit my ability to be the best person I can be, we all lose.

I will answer this further as things come up of possible interest. :) Thanks for asking, Anon.

Peace to all ~


Chani
~*~*