Hidden Benefits....

There were some posts on a few blogs (specifically Meno's and One Plus Two, both of which were very self-revelatory - in a good way) that got me to thinking about the past a bit more than usual. Self-evaluation has never been my strong point but periodically it's a good idea to take a look at where we've been to help us understand where we are now.

For those of us who are addicts, getting and staying clean and sober is only the first hurdle. Then come the others. Like facing whatever is chasing us from our pasts that made us turn to booze or drugs in the first place. I started using booze to deal with the suppressed pain of living in a world that I saw as brutal, unkind and fiercely competitive. My drinking began at 15 years old. I never perceived the world as a welcoming or pleasant place. It was a barren desert, filled with rocks and snakes and scary things around every corner. I was always waiting for the nasties to bite me on the ankles. The booze made it possible for me to function, however poorly, on a day-to-day basis. I'm reminded of the Anton Chekov quote, "Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day-to-day living that wears you out." Day-to-day living, even as a young person, wore me out.

Booze is a great anesthetic for emotional pain. It blunts the sharp edges and makes us feel better almost immediately. It's a lubricant for those of us who find socializing unbearably painful. We can go to a rosy world of our own creation where we can be who we really think we want to be. We can go to Fantasyland and stay there.

When I first got sober, I remember my first sponsor in AA commenting that hugging me was like hugging a tree. I was so shut down and unable to respond to basic human kindness that I wasn't even at home in my own body or my own mind. I was terrified of facing all of my old ghosts, rattling around in the closet. It meant I had to give up Oblivion. Oblivion had been a comfortable, safe place to be.

I don't come from a wicked family. My family was a very reserved, rather cold, bunch ~ but I can't say I was abused. Perhaps emotionally neglected. But the reality is that I was raised by imperfect people in an imperfect world, just as we all were.

The answer was something distinctly out of my reach, nothing I could put my finger on and say, "I'll fix that and all the pieces will slide into place. Life will be shiny and new." I couldn't blame any person or specific situation. The only thing I could blame was my own perceptions. And that's mighty scary because it means I'm responsible for the outcome.

Meno discusses, rather eloquently I might add, the various things we do to put our "face on", the us we present to the world as opposed to the us we truly are. Many of us go about daily life with our teeth gritted and our knuckles white. She talks about all the assumptions we make and are made about us and how those things shape our lives.

But is it only our perceptions, assumptive or not, that create our reality ~ or is it something more?

I believe ~ and this is only my belief ~ that we come here with a certain life path. I came to this world, not fitting in and unable to establish connections with others. Being as I am not one who is given to insightful revelations, no Oprah-style AHA moments, the rejection often seemed brutal and unwarranted. It was based on assumptions, both the assumptions of others and my own. When one lives a life on the defensive, others will run like hell. That's just a reality of life. No escaping it.

So.. the consequence is this: It has been my job all along to find "home". Not "home" in the Thailand sense. Thailand is full of regular human beings, just like here. It's "home" inside of me. It's knowing somehow, on some level, that no matter where I am, I can take care of my basic needs.

I've been able to find an alternative to Oblivion. That is living my rather quiet life. It is living with my limitations in an accepting and kind way, in compassion rather than a harsh, judgemental way. That also allows me to view others with compassion. It is knowing that I can create safety. It is a self-acceptance and acceptance of others that I never knew was possible in the past as I struggled mightily to meet the expectations of others and exist in a culture that was as foreign to me as another planet.

It is daily enjoyment of other people, my garden, my dog, laughing with my housemates, cooking a nice meal together ... the very small things that create a tapestry of life. No, I will never be very social. I don't even crave it. I will never "fit in" here. That will have to wait for Thailand. I chose to not have children ~ a decision I am grateful for today because a child would not have done well with me as a mother. I will never leave pee marks on any stumps in the world. No major accomplishments. I am a failure in the view of western culture. But hopefully in all of this, I will be able to spread a little kindness and add a bit of gentleness to the lives of the people who surround me. That is the ingredient I contribute to the collective pot. That is my life path.

And that's okay. It's ... okay - now. I'm at peace ~ and I never knew that was possible. For that, I am incredibly grateful.


My best to all of you ~


Thailand Gal
~*~*~*

Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed. This is an ancient and eternal law. -- Buddha