Okay. Today isn't one of those days where I will wax poetic about beautiful Thailand or do any deep soul-searching about the meaning of life.
I'm pissed! And one of the things that really irritates me about being me is that I have such a hard time admitting that I simply don't like someone! I somehow inherited the belief that I don't have the right or something.
One of my housemates, V. , has had a rough few years. I've written about his alcoholism problem here before and talked about the beginnings of his recovery. I'm a believer in redemption and always want to think the best of everyone. In my mind, V. was quite the victim, one who is misunderstood and really just wants a simple life and is forced by circumstances to.. blah blah blah. Never once did it occur to me that he could possibly just be a lazy, lying, foul-mouthed, inconsiderate a-hole! That's the "before" and "after" picture.
Well, he is all that and more. He's one of the most insincere, dishonest people I've ever known. He's a manipulative sociopath. And I honestly believe he is just hanging around, waiting for D. to die so that he can collect her estate. (V is D's son.) Still, we make excuses for him. He's only been sober for a few months and he'll get better. He's just trying to do the best he can with what he has... blah blah blah.
My words and my truth are inconsistent because I really just want to slap him silly, tell him to grow up, stop using other people and find the life he wants and start living it. I'm lying so that he can save face. I am lying to keep the peace between them because I don't have the strength to "be there" for D, one more time, through one more V horror story.
D. is having foot surgery next week. She will be unable to move around freely while her foot heals. The doctor has told her that she is not supposed to get up and walk around. She is not even supposed to get up to fix her own meals. In my mind, that means "all hands on deck." I have cleared any plans I have during those ten days to be available for her.
V's girlfriend committed to babysitting him through sobriety for three months. After that point, she does not want to be dragging him home with her every week and driving here on the weekends. She lives in San Francisco. We are in Sacramento. She is going to heaven for doing it as long as she has.
The end of her commitment coincides with D's surgery. V. will be here. We don't need the Psychic Friends Network to predict that he will most likely be in his room... passed out drunk.
Basically, that means he will not be available to help D. in any regard. It will put additional stress on her during her healing time and additional stress on me because I will be, as usual, in the middle, trying to keep peace. I will be in the position of once again making excuses for V's behavior ~ if nothing else, to sooth her so she'll heal as she should from surgery.
This time.. if that happens, V. and I are going to have words. Probably many nasty words. I will probably be leaving here and moving elsewhere. Living between those two has been a delicate balancing act for a very long time. I am reaching my limit of endurance.
I am not an assertive person by nature ~ but I... really.... don't.... like... that... guy!
There. I said it!
Peace,
~Chani
Monday, December 04, 2006
Bad day at Blackrock...
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16 comments:
That is the reason I do not like to have roomates!
I hope things work out for you.
PS...the gun picture seems rather un-Chani like! tee hee :)
Melissa, I think you're right. The gun picture has got to go. LOL
Peace,
~Chani
OH man! I have a very close friend who had been sober for many, many years. Then this past year jumped--leaped(not fell) off the wagon-twice. Since I don't have any children(that means I don't have anything truly important going on in my life in the eyes of my so called friends who do have them) the task of taking care of her until we could get her into rehab was given to me-without my consent, mind you. I'm happy that she's in recovery now-but I still feel a little resentful about the whole thing and frankly, a little used. I never expect an apology-I know how badly she feels and how grateful she is towards me but I would like the acknowledgement. I'll never bring it up either because I too have a hard time expressing negative feelings. I can totally relate. I have no idea who the narcissistic, lazy, self-pitying, self indulgent, mean spirited woman she became. I love her very much but I wanted to shake her like a rag doll and tell her to GROW UP!!(She's the same age as my own mother too!) I had to visit one of those support group sites to understand alcoholism a little more so I could keep my sanity about the whole thing. I've never dealt with addiction before-besides cigarettes. I hope you'll be able to get through it smoothly.
Girlfriend, you are in a crappy situation.
I would not make excuses for him any longer. For any reason. Because I know that you value your own integrity, and this is not serving it well.
I hate confrontation, too, actually. But I believe that we attract the very people and situations we need to teach us the life lessons we contracted to learn before we came here. V is one of yours.
HIs mother is enabling him to be a deceitful little shit. That is her problem, and ultimately, his.
You must realize that you cannot create a happy ending to their story. You have power only over your own.
It must be quite uncomfortable for you to witness and live in this dreadful family dynamic every day. I think you would be happier elsewhere, and if I were in your shoes, I would help D with her recovery and then move.
You deserve tranquility in your own home. I hope you find it soon.
Who holds the lease??
Hey woman, How's about i give you some lessons in how to be mean to people?
Sounds like this jerk has earned your dislike long before you gave it to him.
You are a saint for helping his mother, but i think you are right, you will need to move soon. Ugh! I'm sorry.
Melissa, I don't care for having roommates but chose this because it would keep me from isolating so much. I have a history of disappearing from the world for weeks at a time. This forces me to interact with others. I think though I would like just one roommate, perhaps a woman my age or something. Definitely someone who will carry her own baggage.
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MsPea, I am a recovering alcoholic, too. (30 years sober in September 2006). Just the same, I eventually had to grow up, at least enough to take responsibility for my own actions. It's a hard road. Van has had it far too easy, imo.
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Susan, you are absolutely right. She IS allowing him to be a deceitful little shit ~ and she supports it by catering to his every whim. He's nearly bankrupted her at this point. And she smiles and takes more of the abuse. She wants to believe so badly. I have a very long tolerance period for the healing time people need but even I wouldn't put up with the crap she does.
As for moving, that will come. I plan to go to northern Arizona and save money to get to TH. First though, there are things I need to finish here while I still have Medi-Cal.
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Mari, D. owns the house.
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Meno, I truly just don't know how to be mean. Even when I was a falling-down drunk, I was a very submissive kind of person. It seems to be ingrained.
Yes, I definitely need to move. The first four months of 2007 will be significant. My teeth will be done and eye surgery completed. Then I'm free to go.
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Lucia... amen. Van's problem is that he probably really doesn't want to get beyond it. Why strain himself when he can continue living off his mama?
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Thanks, guys. I'm sorry to have dumped this here.
Peace,
~!Chani
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Chani...I can really understand where you are coming from. Just as long as that guy is enabled he will take advantage. You need to cut him out of your life and maybe let his mother know that she needs to do the same. (she's had years to see that her way, enabling, doesn't work.)
Hi Thailand Gal,
You have been sober for 30 years? That's such a huge achievement. I applaud you and bow to you.
The situation you describe is just terrible. I don't even think you are asking for advice, anyway I can't offer any.
Sometimes it's good to just say it, and hear yourself say it, and see it in writing.
You left a nice note in my blog about Christmas. I was really worried about posting my thoughts because I thought people would attack me, but I've had so many people step forward and agree with me. I feel relieved and less like an anti-social freak.
You so have the right to be pissed. What a self-absorbed jerk. But you sound like such a good friend to V. I don't envy being in her position with a son like that. Not one bit. It would break my heart into two.
Chani, Bad Day at Black Rock is one of my all time favorite films. Seeing Spenceer play the one-armed good guy who uses his army judo on the bad guys inspired me to become a martial artist. When I was growing up a hundred years ago, my family would often say a day was a Bad Day at Black Rock. How cool. As far as V goes, there is little anyone can do for him till he bottoms up once and for all. Let's hope he will come out the other side. In the meantime, let him speak to the part inside you that recognizes him and heal it so he will be out of your life.
some mothers never learn that to save their son,s they must use tough love.if you love your son you will disapline them.that is what it says in the bible.I know all about this kind of thing you see I was married to a drunk for far too long.I had two little girls and we lived in hell.he was the nicest guy when sober.but the biggest jurk when drunk.abusive and just mean.he almost killed my youngest with her iorn med,s by letting her drink it.he wouldn,t listen to me about it.the next week he read in the paper about a little girl who died from doing the same.I was with him tell he through a beer bottle at us and shattered glass all over us.I filed for divorce after asking the Lord what to do.this peace came over me and I knew it was time to get away.this guys mom had babyed him all his life.payed his fines and baled him out of every thing he got into.and its not helped him.he lost his new wife and kids to.he has not changed.so being still and letting him contiue to be a a_ _ did no good.this lady needs to put her foot down on him little pin head and tell him to get his head out of his back side and smell the roses.or he will be a good for nothing sh__ the rest of his life.plus he needs to find the Lord.only He is able to change a heart.get away from them as soon as you can.they will drag you down.and drunks can do alot of harm.be careful dear.30 years is some thing to be proud of,glad your free.
any chance D will see the light on this dude?
not cool. but i expect to hear how chani said her piece if/when your last nerve gets pushed...
Please don't apologize for "dumping" this. We all care about you, and if you can't rant on your own blog, what's the point in having one?
As rants go, yours was one of the gentlest.
I'm glad you have a plan. Tie up the loose ends, and find a healthier situation. Life is far too short to be stressed over other peoples' problems that you don't have the power to resolve.
Good luck!!
Ginnie, part of the balancing act around here is that his mother is in total denial. She honestly believes that each binge will be the last. At this point, I really can't influence her any differently. She's too invested in her belief. It keeps her going.
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Potato Print, I am one of the lucky ones. If Christmas annoys me, I can ignore it with impugnity. It's hard to say what decisions I'd make if I had kids. Hopefully, the right one...
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KC, I don't envy her, either. It's unlikely that I am capable of that level of commitment to *anyone*. Helping someone through a rough patch is one thing. Enabling them to continue being self-destructive is another.
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Stephen, you're right. There is a reason why he came into my sphere. D, another renter and I were doing just fine before he burst on the scene. Seeing him is like looking in a mirror in some ways. I was also an irresponsible, flakey, inconsiderate jerk when I was drinking. It's important to remember that to avoid judgement.
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Leann, when we need to believe something so strongly that our will is involved, we'll believe just about anything. That's D's situation. Giving up on her son would feel like failure to her ~ and she's not accustomed to failure.
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Jen, not a chance. She will never see the light on that dude for the reasons I mentioned above. She needs to believe. I wouldn't be a bit surprised to see Van out there on the street one day after D. dies. He has no life skills at all ~ and I say that as one who doesn't have the best ones in the world, either. He's just so accustomed to being supported and taken care of that he would have no idea how to fend for himself. In this culture, that's bad!
I'm sorry to say.. and certainly not proud to admit, that I simply can not be his friend though. I truly, truly do not like him.
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Susan, thanks for your kind words. In general, I ordinarily keep personal stuff like this to myself. It is good to hear from others though. It keeps me from becoming insular.
I have a plan of sorts ~ and as long as things go along as planned, I should be out of here by next summer.
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Many blessings to all of you! Thank you.. more than I can say!
Peace,
~Chani
Chani-I'm late to the party but I feel your pain. And just remember, you don't have to be mean to get your point across, but FIRM. Don't compromise your ideals for a person who is SO not worth it! I have a lot of practice in this arena.
I don't want to be too devious, but is the son on probation of any kind? Drinking is usually a probation violation that can be reported IF someone were to HAPPEN to see him drunk somewhere.....: )
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