Friday, April 20, 2007

If it's miffy, let it go....

I want to first of all thank everyone for the comments left last night. Before deleting the post, I archived them to my hard drive. One of the things I've found useful in the past is to keep reminders around, to look at them when I start feeling those things again.

I deleted the whiny post and the post that triggered it because there's a part of me that still values personal dignity enough to not splay my private weaknesses out for everyone who has a dial-up connection.

Somewhere within all of us, there is a bug in our personal operating system. Feeling left out, dismissed, unheard and excluded is the bug in mine. That is the one thing that can bring me to my knees, my greatest Achille's Heel. In every other circumstance, I am rational and reasonably balanced.

So, at what point do we get beyond that need for acceptance from others ~ or do we?

At what point does the lesson become learned?

I have a tendency to take a lot from people, a lot of things that might offend others won't offend me. I'm very fluid and flexible with my friendships. But just like the garden, if I want it to remain healthy, I have to do some weeding.

I've needed to do that for a long time. I have friends in my private life who have apparently moved on. My phone calls go unanswered and we rarely see each other anymore. As usual, I'm the last to catch on and continue holding them as friends. If nothing else, I am very loyal.

There comes a point where I need to let go of those people because to do otherwise is to remain open to the triggers that set me off. I have to let them go.

At some point, loyalty becomes irrational.

I also need to do that with the sidebar on this blog. There are people on there who stopped coming by here a long time ago. I need to remove them ~ and believe it or not ~ it hurts me to do so.

This is not a question of quid pro quo, not in my personal life and not here. It is a question of reciprocity. When something becomes completely one-sided, unless there's a good reason for it, it needs to go.

Long ago in a land far away, before Thailand (yes, I did have a life before I went to Thailand), my obsession was gardening. I don't recall the author right now but someone who wrote a book about it said something that stuck with me.

"If it's miffy, let it go."

Sometimes we can give too much for too long. Part of good sense and maturity is knowing when it's time to give it up.

That's really hard ~ but I have to do it anyway. If it's miffy, let it go.

Peace, all ~ and thank you so much for your kindness last night....



NotSoSage said...


I'm here. Not commenting often as I don't often have much to say, but I'm reading...and I wanted you to know that.

I'm glad you shared that other part of you. We're all so inclined to put on our "thing", I think, and it's nice to see the other side, now and then. Thank you.

Be well.

QT said...

Chani - the sidebar cleanout is something many people fear, but I figure this whole blog thing should be about what YOU want and like to read, so clean house! I have changed mine so many times and I don't think anyone even notices, honestly. Then again, I don't have but 6 or 7 people commenting!

Caro said...

Wow! That's some garden. You guys are lucky in California. We still have a little bit of snow left on the ground. I'm better at reading blogs and commenting than I am at writing them. I really liked being part of the neighborhood though, while it lasted :)

Anonymous said...

I'm not having a blog any more, so when you clean up the sidebar, take me down with no mixed feelings.

thailandchani said...

NSS,thanks. I'm glad you are getting some value from this. I was unaware that you read here. Thanks for letting me know.


Caro, you will always be a part of this neighborhood.. and I'm not removing the link. Maybe I'm still hoping you'll rebuild it one day.


De, I didn't take it down last time...and I'm not taking it down now.

As I said in my post, I am unfailingly loyal... and I wouldn't even consider removing you.




thailandchani said...

QT, it will probably take me weeks to do it. It's just too hard, especially right now. It will get done but in little chunks, as I can handle it.

I used to be that way with numbers in my cell phone, too. Deleting one always gave me a bit of physical pain.

I'm weird that way, I know.



Julie Pippert said...


I missed my CHANCE?

I couldn't make it before today and oh I missed it.

Color me an azure shade of blue.

Well, hopefully you know I had something brilliantly insightful and caring to say.



Like you, I tend to stick to patterns and remain loyal...assuming what was, is and always will be.

I like that phrase and the idea behind it, "If it's miffy, let it go."

Easier said than done.

Cleaning up a blog roll is one thing.

Life is...well, another.

kaliroz said...

Oh, I know about not being able/ready to let go of friendships.

I'm in the midst of figuring out what to do with a good friend in my life offline who's seemed to given me up. I have a hard time doing the same to her.

I didn't catch the other post but much love. Weeding in life is difficult. But always leaves me feeling lighter -- afterwards.

thailandchani said...

Julie.. yes.. it's definitely harder in offline life than on-line.. but both are hard. :)

I've had friendships that have mutually drifted apart but for the most part, I am one of those people who keeps my friendships. I hear from people I haven't talked to in a year ~ and it's just as lively and close as it was before. I don't cling.. but I don't give up easily, either.

I have a congenital inability, it would seem, to be entirely indifferent to anyone.

I've ended very few friendships, usually over some sort of ethical difference or perhaps the person was just a jerk (like the Birthday Boy).

Otherwise, I stay loyal for a long time.


Kali, sometimes it's best to just sit back and wait. Friends come back.. and when they know you quietly waited for them, the friendship is actually better. I don't know why that is.. but people tend to like the flexibility. Sometimes we have to wander off to learn a lesson, try something new, etc.

Of course, I might be that way more than most because I had to create my family of friends. My birth family wasn't an option.



ellie bee said...

Miffy--I like that. I have a really hard time with getting rid of the "miffy" stuff in my life too--as evidenced by my impending move---such an assortment of junk you've never seen! But, its the junk with memories attached--the miffy stuff--that is really hard. Thanks for the post, and the new word...

MsLittlePea said...

Oh Chani. I know how that feels. Many of my once beloved friends have moved on the 'better things' without me and it hurts. I too have much loyalty to sometimes those who don't deserve it. It hurts and there's nothing wrong with acknowledging when something hurts. Feeling left out or dismissed is one of the worst feelings. I think we can all relate. Having a weakness is human, being able to admit your weakness is courageous. I admire that ability, because it really does take a strong person to show vulnerability. I need to get rid of the "miffy" too.

Penny. said...

Chani ~ just stopping by to wish you a personal goodbye, as far as COAHTR goes. I am shutting it down, but I'll keep up with CWO as the conversations neccessitate and time allows.

I think you are fantastic, Chani. I really do. I will miss you, but I'll stop by here and there.

Love to you! And, blessings!



meno said...

I have changed my side bar links a few times and i need to do it again. It doesn't bother me to be removed, so i hope it would not bother someone else.

"When something becomes completely one-sided, unless there's a good reason for it, it needs to go."

Nicely put.

Tabba said...

I'm you think that acceptance is something that is shed or outgrown? It's my understanding that it is a basic psychological need. I mean to some extent, we don't become as needy and we do evolve into our person. But, I believe, we all need to be tended. We all need to nourished, we all need to accepted on a very basic level.
Think about how lonely and empty our lives would be if we truly didn't care about being accepted.

While I do understand the whole idea of cleaning house, I think you're being a bit hard on yourself.
We are here. Listening & wishing you all the best...and appreciating you. And your great ability to share :)

jen said...

what a gorgeous comments section you have here. so much community and support.

and it's because of you, and what you bring, and who you are.

we all have our triggers. and your bravery in acknowledging yours is one of the things i like most about you.

KC said...

I think we all need acceptance, to varying degrees. But it always hurts when you realize someone you care about moves on without looking back. Unrequited relationships are the worst.

You do what you have to do.

slouching mom said...

I am not unlike you in my offline life. I have hung on to friends long past the time that those friendships deserved.

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

But there are limits. Even I have had to set them, though I'm no good at it.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I have learned through sad experience that even though it hurts to remove a link, literally or figuratively, with someone, it hurts more to continue to pour love and energy into one who does not reciprocate.

It's not the same as "hell hath no fury," it's just that at some point, we need to realistically assess our relationships and if we are draining ourselves without ever being filled up again, our own psychic survival depends on cleaning house.

Even if I don't make the sidebar cut, I will continue to read what you publish because you speak true, and I trust the reason and compassion I find here.

thailandchani said...

Ellie, the miffy stuff is the hardest. We keep hoping.. you know?


MsPea, it is difficult for me to imagine how anyone would go through life and *never* feel it. There's shame attached to it though ~ in *all* cultures ~ (can't blame only US culture for that one!) so people hide it.

Being dismissed, left out and being invisible is truly crazy-making. And one of the determinations in my own life is that I tolerated it long enough. I don't anymore.


Penny, left a message on your site. I truly hope you will continue checking in on occasion. There's going to be a hole in the community where you were....


Meno, yes.. it's a weird distinction. There are always times when things are one-sided but when it becomes habit for no better reason than someone being careless, that ticks me off.


Tabba, acceptance and nurturing is something that is a want. I believe that. It is not a need. I went without it for many years and I'm still here.

Still, the richness of life is enhanced by community. That is why I am so protective of mine. I give a lot ~ and am more than willing to do so ~ because QOL is just so much higher.

But I'm not afraid of being alone. Not really. I know I can survive it because it's been tested.


Jen, thanks for saying so. :) I like to think I create a space here where people feel like they can say anything they want. Anonymous comments are welcome here.. whatever it takes for people to express themselves authentically.

And if I don't do it, why would anyone else? :)


KC, it's the not looking back that bugs me. It triggers me. I don't begrudge anyone feeling the need to move on.. but at least be gracious and kind about it. It's not that hard.. and everyone is left with a much better feeling that way. I would rather leave someone with a blessing from them than leave them feeling discarded.

I am a loner of sorts. My personal circle is fairly small. That is mostly because I don't have the energy to maintain large groups of friends. In general, we all seem to be kind to one another.


SM, yes.. that's it. Healthy boundaries. We need to know when someone is simply not capable or is unwilling to be kind and considerate. It's just so darned easy that I can't imagine not doing it.


Susan, as long as this blog exists, you will be on the sidebar. That goes without saying. The only ones I took off are those who show up once or twice and then disappear. The truth of the matter is that if someone is lurking, I don't know they are here. Not that it's bad to lurk.. you know? I lurk on some blogs.. but I am not on their sidebars, either. I do not interact with them. A rare comment maybe...

The politics of this are something that go beyond me.. so I just do it the same way I do with personal friends offline.




flutter said...

I value you.

Mary said...

Chani, I agree with your ambition. Recently, I removed some "favorites" from my sidebar and it took a long time for me to do that. We all have our own issues, writing styles, and convictions. It's YOUR JOURNAL and you can spout off at your leisure about what's on your mind. I do. And sometimes I think I might regret it, but more often, I don't.

Our styles don't appeal to everyone and that's OK. So, it's good to let go. No harm done.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I regard my link list as a tool for navigating quickly to the blogs I read most often, no more, no less.

I am often surprised to see that I am on somebody's sidebar, and some of the folks on mine do not link to me on theirs.

I have no idea what the score is, so I don't think of it in terms of popularity. There is no point in lacerating myself.

Thank you for keeping me, though. You also have a permanent place on mine, like in universities. I have the Honorable Chani Chair.

thailandchani said...

Flutter, I value you equally. :) And one day, we need to figure out how to get your beautiful title picture up.


Mary, I removed about five. It was hard but I did it anyway.

It's funny that you mention this as being my journal. Actually, I have a private journal and that is probably the one place where I don't have to think about anyone else's sensibilities. I think of this as being for the community, however that defines itself. It's a way for people who would be unable to interact in any other way ~ you know ~ with it being the Internet and its ability to connect all of us.

Thanks for letting me know that what I wrote wasn't harmful. I was concerned about that. Energy feeds energy and becomes bigger. You know? That's not what I want to put out into the world.




Snoskred said...

Oh, it is GREAT to clean things out of your sidebar. :) I may get inspired and do the same. I never put a lot of the nablopomo blogs up that I loved.

I was inspired by your post today and wrote something about it on my blog.

Glad to see you took my advice about the RSS feed ;) See, now I had to click to come here, hopefully you can see it on your counter.

Tabba said...

Chani, I wanted to respond to your response...and I'm not trying to argue, but rather have a dialogue. I'm interested in understanding where you are coming from....I understand to some extent where you are coming from that it is a "want" not a a certain extent. But I think about my 4 year old...he has no idea what acceptance means. If he went to school, into a class environment with peers and leaders (his teachers) who did not accept him - that would begin to manifest itself in psychological, emotional, and physical ways. If the very base of our personality and our emotional needs are not met, we suffer. Much like the little orphans in Romania who are never nurtured. They have severe emotional/physical problems. Or children who are abandoned (physically and emotionally) by their parents. Our foster systems are lousey with this problem. And our kids are broken as a result.
By nature we are pack animals. In order to survive, we need to have some basic level of acceptance and a place.
That being said, we move on from acceptance and toward tolerance. because we are all different...we can accept that, we can accept others for the unique qualities they possess. Then it is no longer a "needy" action. It is tolerance.
I don't know if this makes sense. But I wanted to continue this as a means of coming to an understanding and to get further input from you. I really value what you have to say, your insights, your vision.
And I appreciate the fact that you have created an open environment here...

Anonymous said...

I read your blog every day, but I rarely comment. I have the feeling of being a robber or a voyeur, but that is the rule of a public blog. One can assert that one blogs for oneself, it's only partly true. The main satisfaction for me is to express something, and overall to write a little piece of art, but I appreciate when I get comments, which is pretty rare! I don't have your popularity!

thailandchani said...

Susan, interesting thought. P) YOu use it for navigation. I do, too, but I also have them there because I am saying to those who visit, "These are great blogs! Please read them!" It's like a recommendation.

I would never put anyone on it for any other reason. There are some I read that are not there because I have them bookmarked and can get to them from the browser.

As for popularity, I don't know the score either. "Popularity" is not something I've ever had to deal with ! LOL


Snoskred, I commented on your site.. and also found out what Snokskred means... avalanche. :)

You did show up on the site meter. -lol - Interesting! I'd always wondered about that really because people come to this site and *even leave comments* and it doesn't show up there. Weird. I just figured it was a lousy site meter.


Tabba, yes.. you make some very good points and I know very well how much damage can be done by non-acceptance, especially non-acceptance without any given reason. When I was a kid, I used to wonder why I was so inherently unloveable that I'd be getting such treatment from those who surrounded me. It had no logic.

It's so different than now when I can figure out the cause and just accept it as someone else's preference. Not long ago, I was told by someone that "your Thai values don't match my Chinese values." I can deal with that. There's an explanation. And I applaud that person for having the courtesy to tell me. We were able to part with blessings for each other. Left wondering, our minds go places they shouldn't go.

As for pack animals, yes, we all need and want community. Some of us more than others.

Kids need to be nurtured very carefully though by responsible adults who make certain they understand tolerance, embrace it, and don't turn into pack animals.

As for human beings and the ability to survive without community, it can be done. All we truly *need* is food and water. Thats reductionist, of course, but it is true.

It's not optimal.. and it's not the best way... and it might create Chos and it might create Columbine.. but I can't classify community as an absolute, immutable need.

To have a healthy society, a creation of human beings in interaction, it is best to have acceptance.



G, I wish I was able to read French because I love the way your mind works. You'd be getting comments from me for certain! My language abilities are limited to English, some Russian and some Thai. :)

My popularity? You're kidding, right?

But Susan mentioned, I'm not sure how any of us judge that exactly.

But thank you for saying so. :)