Thursday, May 03, 2007

Blow out...

Okay. I think I'll talk about this openly.

If anyone has noticed, De and I seem to go through similar cycles. She's had the courage to shut it down a few times and I haven't gotten there yet.

I'd like to talk about this blog insecurity stuff for a few minutes because I'm curious if others experience it.

This morning, I deleted a long, considered post about how I became part of this "family" here and why I find the idea of leaving to be difficult. For one thing, I'm an extremely loyal person. Loyalty isn't suspended because it's inconvenient. Things got tough here yesterday and I was seriously challenged. Still, I find the idea of bailing to be intolerable. D. and I have had a relationship for over ten years now and the idea of leaving her for my own comfort when she depends on me as much as she does is something I could not live with. When the day is done and all is told, all I've got is my integrity left.

She has problems, certainly. She is excitable and overly emotional. She doesn't always have a good handle on things but if there's anything of which I am certain, she has one of the biggest hearts I've ever known. Like many people, she has a lot of trouble setting boundaries.

But this is how I live in the world. These principles matter a lot. I get the shit for it more than I'd ever care to write about here. You can't imagine. People aren't always nice.. and they're not always kind or considerate. They do what they want, regardless of how it will affect anyone else. It sucks.. but there it is.

So, that said.. why did I delete the post? Here's where I am brutally honest.

I didn't feel like it measured up to the other sites I regularly read. It sat there and quivered for two hours and I blew it off the page. Click. Gone. It made me feel inadequate and ignored to see it sitting there so long.. so I thought "okay.. rather than sit here and feel humiliated any further, I'll just take it down." I did it with some resentment. While I do have a commitment to a certain way of life, I'm not perfect. There's no Bodhi tree in my backyard and I don't have all the answers. Hell, I'm lucky if I have a few ... now and then. I stumble and fall and when I stumble and fall, I fall hard. My decisions are always questionable when I get in that frame of mind.

Part of it is the fact that I have a mood disorder but that's only a small part of it. It mostly comes from plain old-fashioned insecurity. It's the kind that no one gets to just grow up and be rid of it. I'm headed toward senior citizenship and I still fall to it, more than I like to admit.

~*

Now, the blogging insecurity stuff. I've been bitten hard by it, have seen others bitten hard by it .. and there are things I just wonder about.

I wonder if everyone experiences it.

I also wonder why some people can publish their freaking grocery lists and others slavishly can't wait to get in line to say something.

This baffles me. It is one of the core things that has baffled me about social interaction in general. It has driven me to complete isolation in the past because I gave up on it. I stopped trying to understand.

There are others who pour out their hearts and souls in a brutally honest manner and they are not acknowledged. (I've noticed this at several sites. I'm not referring to this one at this point. I have a wonderful gathering of people, even though I don't have as many as some.. and more than others. This site is not one of the "popular" sites, but I do think people appreciate my honesty. More on this site another time. I'm not ready to discuss that.)

What I know... what little I know from my limited life experience .. is that we are all struggling here on this plane of existence, doing the best we can with what we have. A little bit of kindness goes a long way... and the wisdom each of us has gathered should be shared freely. (God swat me down! I used a no-no word in this culture: should ~ but I stand by it.) We should .. absolutely.

If anyone can enlighten me as to why this popularity stuff goes on here, please let me know. It is beginning to irritate the crap out of me. I see people being hurt by this. I've been hurt by it. I suspect everyone has at one time or another.

My ears are open. Comment anonymously if you like.

35 comments:

Hel said...

O, yes. I often feel insecure about posts and one or two never made it onto my blog.

I also find that my blogging insecurities have a lot to do with my real life moods. Going back and reading a post that I was convinced sound super pretentious it suddenly sounds just like the others.

If it is any help. You feel like an old friend whose voice I can hear no matter what the words are.

Tabba said...

Chani, I know my opinion cannot change the way you feel. I look forward to your insight and perspective. And I feel your posts always hit straight at the heart of the matter.

I certainly can relate to the blogging insecurities. I'm not on the popular list either. Part of the I attribute to my decision not to "network". I'm not always a great commenter.
And I agree with Hel that I take note of my general mood & how it may come across here in Blogland as well.
I've said a lot without saying much of anything.

I say, hit that save as draft button. And don't be so hard on yourself. This site is wonderful and you do a wonderful job of sharing.

thailandchani said...

Hel, thanks. I try to monitor my posts for mood.. not that it always works. There are times when I use the anonymity of the Internet to ask questions that I wouldn't ask of the people who surround me.

~*~

Tabba, I'm with you on that. The networking thing. I could never, ever, do that! It's not even part of my nature to consider it.

If this blog ever puts me in a position of having to "market" it, it will go black that day. No doubt.

I think what got to me is that I read a post this morning, not going to say which one, where a woman is truly dealing with hard issues.. but has a beautiful way of expressing herself... and I was pissed off that no one took the time to comment to her. Really. It made me mad.

That juxtaposed with my own feelings of insecurity .. and I felt her pain. Not in the Clintonesque sense of that.. but I thought about the way she must have been feeling to put herself out there like that.

Of course.. I could just be projecting, too.

You know.. who knows? This is just my weird little inexplicable world.

I wanted to lift that woman up... and tried. At the same time, I went to other sites where people were saying absolutely nothing and had five people commenting all at once.

~*

Peace,

~Chani

Hel said...

It is your honesty that makes your blog so powerful. You seem to reach behind the obvious and into what you are really feeling.

I like reading every new post because each one shows a different facet of that honesty.

Caro said...

Well you know me. I'm an unconditional fan. My brief experience with blogging was pleasant but I eventually quit because it was much too time consuming and draining.

I remember a couple of weeks ago, you and Atavist were having quite a conversation. I wanted to comment but felt soo inadequate. I did eventually write something, probably a thank you. My point is that sometimes I just can't find anything intelligent to say because well Chani, your brain is so huge. You are like a fabulously learned college professor we all gather around and listen to. Well that's how it is for me at least. Take care.

Bob said...

I have been reading blogs for about 3 years. I've been writing mine, seriously anyway, since last November. While I admit that I check for comments REALLY often when I publish and tend to get disappointed when there aren't many - I have to remember that I'm doing this as a means of self expression and not self validation. So, after the reminder, it doesn't bother me as much. One thing I have done that sortof helps is that I installed a site meter. I can see that many more people stop by than comment. MANY. All that being said, I come by here once or twice a day but I don't always comment. (although I did comment on the deleted post!) My moods cycle and I don't always feel like saying anything - especially if 10 people before me have said about the same thing. Other times I will add my voice to the throngs before me.

I read your blog because I appreciate the view into your world and your thought processes that are so different than mine. Sometimes I join the debate, other times I take it in and ruminate. But I appreciate each and every post.

I hope you keep blogging and gain the confidence that there are those of us who value you and your view of the world.

Julie Pippert said...

Okay gloves off honesty...

(You see me here, reading and almost always commenting so hopefully you know my admiration.

That said...)

I see and wonder the same thing you do.

It's inexplicable to me, the sycophanting syndrome. It always has been.

I can't possibly know about all the blogs out there. I can hardly stay on top of the ones I've been reading for a while. So I am sure and sad to say some great bloggers probably don't get the attention they deserve.

And TBH, I often feel like one of them, LOL at me.

Yeah, you aren't alone. And I don't think it's just us.

I don't know what to say. I have no insight or wisdom. Sorry. I do understand what you mean here.

In the end, for my own blog, I do feel rich. I have some great commenters. I've lost a few, too, which is hard. But I've gained a few, as well (although sometimes I still miss...)

I have had to learn to be patient and give a post a couple of days.

But as for some other "overlooked" blogs out there...yeah, it's hard, esepcailly when I feel a few of them I like are really worthwhile.

thailandchani said...

Hel, I try. There are times when I dig behind the obvious and it can be exceedingly annoying. It might be a result of my not being particularly socialized in this way of life and I say those things that many don't want to hear. You know? :)

~*~

Caro, I wish you would always speak. You never know... seriously... never know when you might say something that someone needs to hear.

I am not a wise person, nor particularly smart. I'm average... in all respects. Below average in others.

I appreciate your coming by .. more than you even know sometimes.

So, please.. never remain silent because you think I am "smart". You are just as smart.. and your voice is just as important.

~*

Bob, I know I need to detach from the site meter and the comments. But.. you know.. I think I am a person who responds best to a positive feedback loop. It motivates me. When it's going well, I have a lot to say.. when it's not going so well, I clam up.

It's rather perverse.. but I am truly not an internal locus person.

Wish I was. :)

Thanks for the compliment. My oddball way of looking at the world can be challenge sometimes. LOL

~*

~Chani

jen said...

Hi there,
I checked in on you early today but you hadn't posted yet. It's the first time I've had a chance to get around since and so here I am.

Some days are so crazed, I can read a couple blogs, then stop, then hours later, repeat. or i can't get to it till night time or early in the AM (and I mean early)

i am not sure why we see things in terms of a comparison - that post got a bazillion comments, the other one didn't...does it measure what the person had to say? i don't think so. i think it says more about the network the person is a part of, and i think that is fluid and changing all the time.

i know i have places (like yours) i visit faithfully almost seven days a week. others is hit and miss, not in small part b/c i am a creature of habit.

specificially, i come to you because of the friendship/kinship/whathaveyou thing i feel with you, it's not just about what you write, but who you are.

meno said...

chani, i am not sure what this says about me, but i never feel insecure about a post. Which is odd, because as you know, i have a lot of posts that are complete and utter fluff. I rarely/never talk about world events. I have a site meter, but i haven't looked at it in a few months.

Having said that, i respect your feelings and i like hearing the truth about them. I will repeat that i vote with my time. I have been reading your blog for a long time and i am still coming back. There are blogs that i have stopped reading. And not with an angry bang, but with a quiet leaving. I don't always comment, but i read everything you write.

hugs!

QT said...

Chani - In all honesty, I cannot identify with a part of your comments. I don't feel insecure with anything I post. I also don't attempt to post anything that is very deep. Maybe there is a correlation there.

While I enjoy the interaction my blog provides, I just don't have the time to worry if people who I may respect, but who I have never met, think about me. I hope that doesn't sound rude. I am there, take it or leave it. Whatever a visitor chooses is fine with me.

However, sometimes I get to a blog and there are 40 something comments and it has pretty much all been said. Then what?

Anyway, I feel for you. My little sister is the same way and I never have a good response for her, either. Don't quit blogging - I like Tabba's suggestion - save as a draft and come back. You do have many useful and intelligent things to say.

thailandchani said...

Julie, I don't understand the sycophant thing either.. and maybe that's why I got so riled up this morning.. and then went into that "I'm not worthy" mode. When that happens, I do stupid things.

I have great commenters, too, and I know that if I put something out, people will talk to me. It might not be immediate.. but people talk to me.

With the woman's post this morning, for some reason, I went into full-tilt mothering mode (which is a bad habit I have). I wanted her to be okay. I wanted people to notice her. I wanted people to comment to her.

All of which I can not control, of course.

As for your blog, I read it daily. The truth of the matter, bluntly, is that I am not as intelligent as you are. I am a small person with a big mouth. There are times when I can't comment because anything I say would sound just plain stupid in comparison. You know?

I give it a shot when it seems that it might be useful.

:)

~chani

thailandchani said...

Jen, the reason I come to yours as often as I do (daily) is also the kinship. In so many ways, if I hadn't been damaged, I think we would have been a lot alike at comparable ages. I'm just continually drawn and find your lead to be very comfortable.

~*

Meno, it's interesting about commenting. There are blogs I lurk on. Sometimes I feel bad about it because I know everyone likes interaction. Seriously, even those far more secure than me must like knowing that people are responding to what they say.

I find there are a few reasons for me to not comment. If I have to hassle with the security word too much, I give up. The warped letters flip on me and sometimes I have to do it several times. Another reason would be that there are already so many comments that mine would be extraneous and I don't feel like I am interacting with the blogger anymore. The final reason is that there are times when I disagree and won't comment because of that. You know, I mean really disagree.. not just "have an issue with".

Those are the only ones I can think of offhand.

I am so glad you continue to come by. Really. I am.

~*

QT, there are times I would give my right tit to be like you. No kidding. Being hypersensitive as I am.. you know... sometimes it's downright painful.

:)

~*

Peace,

~Chani

Anvilcloud said...

Some people do just about blog their grocery lists and have lots of commenters. Maybe they have friends. Maybe they are, themselves, super commenters, and people reciprocate. Maybe they just make others feel very comfortable and welcome; some people have that gift. And it doesn't matter. We all hope to be read by some, and most of us are. One truth is that even most of the best of bloggers are not good enough to make me want to read them unless I feel some sort of relationship and connection.

slouching mom said...

Huh. I'm so new at this. I'm still surprised that people are commenting at my site. And surprised how quickly I went from having no comments to having some. I don't know what changed. I don't think my writing did.

I'm struggling now with not having the time to visit those who visit me. This is a community, after all. I think it's a polite and nice thing to do to knock on someone's door, someone who knocked on yours. But at a certain point that just gets too time-consuming. My regular life needs attention.

And THEN I get insecure. I think that if I don't visit people I really dig, they'll notice, and their feelings will be hurt, and THAT I couldn't abide.

It's kind of a mess, really.

flutter said...

every time I hit publish I have a minor panic attack. How insane is that?

jen said...

chani, the one tit woman (sorry, i couldn't resist) these comments are great.

and i heart flutter.

Sober Briquette said...

Phew, finally my kids are in bed and my husband is in the john. How can a gal have a blog and a community when she has to wait for these conditions? I ask ya!

Chani, please, do not label me as courageous for taking down my blog. There's nothing about courage and everything about

ack, the toilet just flushed.

I swear, I'll be back.

Laurie said...

Your blog is one of the ones I read nearly every day. I may not always comment due to lack of time, having nothing valuable to contribute, or lack of energy (lately). But I read every post and always ALWAYS learn something as a result. You are one of the good ones, Chani. I value you and your opinion.

deb said...

Why are some blogs more popular than others? Don't know.

Funny blogs do well, people who are able to take an everyday occurence and present it to us in a new and funny way, make us laugh. We all need a laugh.

I find myself censoring myself. Does anyone actually want to know anything about my day to day life? I try to write about things that interest me or when things are really bothering me. Writing helps me let go of things and I've worked through some issues in this public/private forum. What I like about blogging is it gives me a chance to be heard, to tell my story.

Sometimes I comment, sometimes not, depends on many things.

Snoskred said...

I'll tell you something for free.

I once was a member of an online forum. There was this girl on there who wrote something in a thread, and then when people disagreed with her she went back and deleted her post, she actually wrote "deleted" in there. I immediately lost all respect I ever had for her. And I had a lot of respect for her.

You delete things a lot here. It bugs me. I'm of the opinion that if you say something, you should stand by it - that means, you leave it there. I'd say right now, make a rule for yourself - that you will never ever delete a post - if you post it, it stays. You owe yourself (and your readers) that much.

I've said before that people who read blogs also have lives, they can't always comment on cue, they go on holidays, they have weekends away from the computer.

You worry far too much about things that honestly should not even turn up on your radar. I have to be honest with you about it or else I can't consider myself a decent friend to you. Honestly - to delete something because you didn't feel like it measured up to other sites you read? Who cares about the other sites you read and their standards? You wrote it. YOU. We don't come here to read other sites. We come here to read YOURS. And if we didn't like it we would stop entirely. You'd get no hits, you'd get no comments. And if anyone reading this agrees, can I get an Amen sister?

That you should feel humiliated just because nobody turns up here to read it within two hours of your posting it? Most RSS readers take that long to even publish the post. I can publish something on my blog and it won't pop up in my google reader for like 4 hours. I've said it before but maybe it didn't get through - sitemeters are notoriously unreliable.

This isn't rational by any means. You know it, right? You have to stop looking at this in terms of the gathering of people here and not having as many as other sites and not being a popular site. None of that matters! REALLY it doesn't.

If you want to be popular it's not difficult. Spend 14+ hours a day on the internet commenting on other people's blogs and you'll get plenty of return traffic. I know, I did it during Nablopomo. Some days there I would comment on 100 blogs a day, and I would see unique hits of up to 250 a day. But 6 months later I'm down to about 20-40 readers a day. And I'm happy with that because I blog for me, not for other people.

You need to learn to do this for you. You need to learn to let go of all the non-important stuff, like who is popular, and what is written on other sites, and whether or not yours stacks up. It's doing you no good, and I'll tell you I am really disappointed that I can't read that post you wrote now. It sounds really interesting.

I hope you won't be offended by what I've said, but I won't lie to you.

The popularity stuff exists only in your head. Nobody is out there measuring which site is more popular and whose site has the best posts. You get hurt by it because you *let* yourself get hurt by it. You look at the site meter and measure the people visiting here and you seem to judge yourself and what you write by some kind of code I honestly can't understand..

As Bob said, blogging "is a means of self expression and not self validation". As qt said "I just don't have the time to worry if people who I may respect, but who I have never met, think about me".

This isn't high school. Having a blog is not like having a party - you don't hand out invitations, you don't prepare food and party games, you don't give people a set time for showing up.

A blog is a place for you to express yourself. That people turn up at all is a blessing. That you have so many, much more than most people, is a sign that you're saying something people connect with. But if you had a blog and nobody showed up, the purpose of having a blog would still be met - unless you're trying to get something else out of it.

I think that is the question you need to ask yourself. What do you want out of blogging? Why are you basing success on a sitemeter?

KC said...

What about turning off the comments occasionally? Taking the pressure off from time to time. Would it be freeing?

Whether people commnent or not, I am thrilled they come and read what I have to say. But people's lives are busy, I know I personally get submersed in non-blog-world duties that limit my ability to read/comment. There are day to day, week to week fluctuations. If I were to be crushed by these random swings in readership/comments, I wouldn't want to blog at all.

The popularity of blogs is finicky.

QT said...

Chani - I agree with a lot of what snoskred has to say. You truly need this space to be yours and yours alone. We come here to read your unique thoughts and take on the world. And we like it, dammit!

Gwen said...

I, too, agree with what snoskred has to say (and the feed reader slowness is totally true and makes a difference in commenting) .... at least for myself. It's a lot harder always to live that way, and I think personality has something to do with the ease or difficulty of taking your ego out of your blog (not you, Chani, but you, generally speaking). I've been through the blog insecurity thing and worked my way back to the place where I really truly am writing for my own enjoyment.

Just like there are many ways to be happy, there are many ways to be a good blogger or good writer. When I think of all the published authors I read, I realize that their style and substance and tone and depth varies greatly and yet I can find enjoyment in all of them, for different reasons.

Lately, on my own blog, I've started turning off comments occasionally, for various reasons. And honestly? I kind of like it. It's freeing. Although I also think it's confusing to my (few) readers, too.

Finally, re the popularity of blogs with grocery lists: isn't the most popular ice cream flavor vanilla? There's a reason for that, you know. :) (although I think you should choose to be mango. Mango. Yummmmm).

Susanne said...

I think everyone knows this insecurity. And times when we hit "blogger's block".

As for the networking, the amount of commenting you do really counts as "networking".

I don't like it when somebody deletes a blog because then everything I enjoyed reading is gone.

As for comments, I found that often the mundane things get much more comments than the profound ones. Especially when somebody is writing about deep and troublesome stuff I often don't know what to write. That doesn't mean the post is not appreciated.

I see it on my own blog. I write a post about picky eaters and get dozens of comments, and other posts have none. That doesn't mean that the "heavy" posts don't touch the readers.

Sober Briquette said...

I delete my blog not because I'm courageous, but because

#1: I'm disgusted with myself.

I know how valuable everyone's time is, and I feel guilty that I am wasting other people's with my sputum. (I know, that's not up to me.)

For reasons I don't fully understand, I have very low self-esteem.

#2: I spend too much time at the computer. I've been struggling with this since I started. Balancing the boring but necessary tasks of a housewife & mother against the lure of interesting people and ideas on the computer. Just like chocolate and alcohol. I have an addictive personality.

Chani, I agree with what everyone here is saying. However, even when my rational self knows my feelings are irrational, I don't always manage to act appropriately. I'm a young soul, too.

Cecilieaux said...

Funny, I just finished deciding not to post a longish blog tearing apart an asinine anti-immigrant letter I should have googled first ('twas an urban legend). 'Kay, now and then we all type first, ask questions later.

As to popularity, I envy you. 26 comments!!! And this happens all the time. I feel great when I get 3. (And I didn't quite get why you thought my post before last was the best ever. As the French say, chacun a son gout -- to each their taste.)

liv said...

Chani, I really identify with what you say. I've also recently decided to give myself permission not to have anything to say, or simply not to talk about what I don't want to.

Sometimes I read blogs like yours, Jen's and a few others where I just legitimately feel out of my depth as to how to respond. I bow to the writing and the experience and sometimes feel as if anything I may add will just be too simple minded. So, I am absorbing and loving, but not speaking. Okay, I'm lurking.

I do feel a little pressured by the comparing and popularizing of bloggers. I always secretly wanted to be the popular kid in the lunchroom and wasn't. It stands to reason that as a 30 year old I still have a longing to be popular in any given community.

Keep writing---you don't want me all over you the way I've had to stalk my darling De! :)

MsLittlePea said...

I was just trying to get caught up since I haven't been here in a few days. I think because I was the youngest in my family I got so used to attention that I never really craved it so I don't really care if I'm considered 'popular' or not. If people like me-good, if not-oh well. I do have feelings so I can relate to what you're talking about here. The thing is we are brought up in a culture of constant competition, I'm not saying this is a good or a bad thing. But it's not healthy to compare one's self so I try not to worry about whether or not I get comments and for the most part I don't. Because I started blogging for myself. Sometimes I'll rethink something silly I wrote and want to delete but I stop myself because it was real at the moment. Try not to compare yourself to other blogs-out of all the ones I read you get the most comments but it's not the comments from others that keep me here. It's your wonderfully written posts. I'm too shy to go that deep so I truly admire that you're not. I think maybe the reason some blogs that don't have that much substance are so popular is because people go to work, have problems, fight, pay bills, everyday stuff is stressful so blogging is a way to escape all that for a few minutes-make fun of themselves, make fun of each other, look at funny pictures.

The Atavist said...

Ricky Nelson said, in his Garden Party song: "you can't please everyone, so you gotta please yourself," or something like that. That is the way you have to live your life, write your blog, and do just about everything else.

You do a good job. I enjoy your blog. I agree with much you say and disagree with some. Who cares? I am grown up enough and intelligent enough to sort things out for myself and so are all of your other readers. Write for yourself. Discuss what is meaningful to you. Others will appreciate the honesty (as you yourself pint out) and will continue to visit. Bottom line is that none of us need (or shouldn't, anyway) need the validation of others. It's nice when it happens, but it is always what you think that is most important.

And even if others don't visit, who cares? You will have articulated your thoughts, crystallized your thinking, and that is the real benefit to each of us who does this blogging thing.

thailandchani said...

Atavist, I need to answer all of these comments and am taking them a few at a time. But I needed to answer yours right now.

I enjoy reading you so much.. and our dialogues have been awesome but, truthfully, I don't think you get who I am or my way of life.

And that's okay. That's where we dialogue about it.

My life is committed to community. My life is committed to caring what others think. I choose to engage others. I choose to have others matter.

This is at the core of who I am.

Kind of like co-opting culture, I don't get to cherry pick the parts I like and the parts I don't like. It's a continuum of experience and some of it doesn't feel as good as other parts.

There's no way to care without experiencing pain at times.

This blog isn't just about me. It is about a way of life, a commitment, a transformation. It is meant in a subtle way to encourage others who are doing the same. (And we all are, in one fashion or another...) By showing my very wabi sabi self, including my dark side, the part where I struggle most with the transformation, it allows a light to be shone on the hard parts, too.

I can never *not* care. It's just not who I am.

It will never be about just "pleasing myself". What a hollow, empty existence that would be!


Peace,


~Chani

thailandchani said...

Anvil, I hear what you're saying. Yes, some people do have a magnetism that is very evident. (I'm not magnetic in any way.. at least I don't think so...)

There's this part of me that wants everyone to be able to enjoy their blogging experience, to know community.

Even though it is on the computer, it is a beginning for many people. I started to come out of my shell some by participating in email lists. It gave me a safe way to try out some skills, to see if it was even possible.

One of them was a disaster and one of them was an experience I wouldn't trade for anything.

I do like to feel some relationship to the blogs I attend regularly, for certain. I'm with you.

~*

SM, I deal with some of that, too. I wish I could leave comments for everyone, all the time. There are times when my energy is too low.. or I am not thinking clearly and my comments would be useless... all those things.

I have a bookmark for the blogs I visit regularly.. and I keep going down the list until I've gotten all of them.

The idea of hurting someone with my lack of action or the wrong action is something I fight constantly... because it is probably the one thing that could really make me shut down and not do this anymore. I don't want the karma of participating in that.

One thing I know for certain is that I always do my best.. and sometimes it is all I can do.

~*

Flutter, it is not insane at all. Like it or not, when we do this, we are engaging community. It's only natural to care about the result.

~*

Jen.. yeah.. the One Tit Woman. LOL .. At my age, that might not be such a bad thing.

~*

De, complete response below.. probably in another template.

~*

Laurie, I really try. Sometimes I know I am a pain in the ass... but thanks for putting up with it. :)

~*

Deb, yes... some people want to know about your daily life. Me, as an example. I think that is how we learn from each other, how we share community and how we pass wisdom along to each other ~ imperfect though it may be.

~*

On to the next template...


Peace,

~Chani

thailandchani said...

Soskred,

All very good points, certainly. I do get what you're saying. Why do I do what I do? As I said in the post, it is old insecurity. As I said to Atavist, this will never be entirely only for me. I can't imagine engaging community on that level in any respect. It's impossible. It's just a foreign to me as thinking eating dogs is okay. You know? It's not who I am.

You ask: I think that is the question you need to ask yourself. What do you want out of blogging? Why are you basing success on a sitemeter?

To a degree, I think I do that. Basing success on the sitemeter. Not to the extent that I once did.. but it is still there. What do I want out of this?

1) I want to participate in community sharing of wisdom, humor, knowledge and new ideas,

2) I want to represent my chosen way of life as best I can without painting it with a rosey red tint. Transformation is hard.. and there are times when my struggles will be more than obvious,

3) At the end of the day, I want to believe I have contributed something, an alternative to American faux culture, the knowledge that there is something else out there, something with more substance, even when it is just plain fricking hard sometimes.

4) I want to develope a stronger social muscle and maybe a thicker skin by continual interaction that at times challenges me to my limits.

~

As for deleting, I disagree that I have to leave up everything that I post. There are times when I will decide something was poorly written ~ or doesn't communicate what I meant to communicate.

It's not revisionist history which it sounds like the forum you participated in might have been. I won't delete somethng because someone disagrees with it. I don't delete comments because they disagree with me. That would be far too controlling. That's not authentic.

But.. yeah.. there will be times I will delete something I've written. My hope is that I won't do it in a panic like I did yesterday. There are right reasons and wrong reasons. Yesterday, it was done for the wrong reason. I always reserve the right to choose again if I believe I chose wrong the first time.

You make an excellent point about the popularity stuff... and intellectually I completely agree with you. There are times when my damaged self forgets. I appreciate the reminder.

~*

KC, you know what one of my greatest flaws is? I do not do well with change.

The reason I consider it a flaw is because it impedes my growth as a person.

But the fact remains that I do very poorly with it. I am hypervigilant and tend to notice everything, all kinds of change and it ordinarily signals danger to me.

That's PTSD.

There are times when I just have to live with it. In this case, I want to use the fluctuations as a growing tool.

Sometimes I am going to fall hard when it seems too much or too sudden.

And my job is to learn from that... definitely.

~*

Thanks, QT. I can see your point to a degree. It will never be just my space... but I probably should be a bit more independent about it than I am.

~*

Gwen, funny you mention mango. My ID on the Thailand Forum is "Mango". :) My blogger login is also "Mango95825".

Anyway, on to your other points:

It's hard for me to imagine turning comments off because I am here to interact.

I do have a private journal. That is where I write just for me.. or to work something out that I am not willing to share with others yet.

So, given that purpose, turning off comments would be like cutting my own foot off. :)

~*

Susanne, I agree with what you've said. :) My comments are usually up when I write about the heavier stuff... but that's probably what's come to be expected. The other day I was perusing the Thailand-Blogs forum that links to me. Next to the description I'd written about the blog, the editor had written "Serious issues discussed here".

My fluffy posts don't do nearly as well.. but, as I said, I suspect that's about expectations, what people are accustomed to seeing.

~*

De, that balancing part is really hard, I know. As for how valuable each person's time is, I think we all make different choices about what we want to do with our time. We all have the same amount in the end. One of the things I choose to do with mine is to read your blog. My choice, right? :)

I know what you're saying though.. especially about the rational mind.

You know, I finally realized what triggered me yesterday.

As soon as I got up, V was already playing loud music in his room. The base was boom boom boom for hours! I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin! By the time I asked him to turn it down, it was already too late. My anxiety levels were spinning out of control. Then some other things happened, like the computer crashing, and I just lost it then. I got overwhelmed.

Yes, I am definitely a young soul, too. :)

~*

Okay. More later in another template. :) I'm going brain dead now...

Peace,

~Chani

Anonymous said...

Chani, I know we hardly know one another, but I think I recognize something similar between us. Are you a people pleaser? I am...or used to be more so than I am now...and I know that I used to do/say/act/think ways in which I thought would increase my popularity. Of course I wasn't being me, and in the end, it just chipped away at my self-esteem when my efforts weren't recognized. I see that some of those tendencies can be re-ignited here in the blog world...for myself and for others...and I just wondered if this was the case for you and how/why this post and questions were prompted?

Lil/www.lillithmother.blogspot.com

Snoskred said...

Well first I have to disagree with the deleting thing. The time when you get to choose whether or not you post something is when you are sitting there thinking about hitting the publish button. Once you've posted it, it should stay. It's like jumping off a cliff. Once you've made the decision to put it out there, be strong enough to allow it to sink or swim on its own. If you're not sure, save it as draft. Truly it is not fair on your readers to be all passive aggressive like that.

And I won't lie to you, I am so against deleting things once they're written that there will come a point at which I'll turn off. One of the things about blogging is your readers begin to trust you and have that relationship you speak of and I personally think deleting posts is quite damaging to that relationship. It's like you don't trust *us*.

Second, when I woke up this morning I thought of it in a new way and I thought this might help. Blogging is like a big supermarket. Let's imagine for a moment that your blog is in the potato chip aisle. You've got all these blogs around you which are salt and vinegar and barbecue and sour cream and onion and the standard flavours.

Anyone can be a standard flavor. Anyone can write a blog which will appeal to the masses but even so you'll never appeal to *everyone*. There will be people who just hate that flavor. They don't like how it tastes.

Do you *want* to be salt and vinegar? From what you have said you certainly do not. It's easy enough if you do. I'm sure everyone here reads a blog that is pure salt and vinegar. For me I'd say it is pink is the new blog. I love it, it's my daily fix of all the things I shouldn't want to know about and many other people love it too. But with popularity comes a price - Trent from PITNB has turned off comments entirely because it used to get very nasty and people said some unpleasant things.

There's a blog here in Australia which is really hugely popular. I won't name it, but it is linked to in my sidebar and any Aussie reading this will know which blog I mean by the time I finish this paragraph. A post on any day other than Friday is great. I enjoy reading her take on things. But on Friday she does this huge question and answer thing, it literally goes on and on and on and I don't even see how she has the time or the patience to do it, and I certainly do not have the time or the patience to read it. I scroll past the entire post. Quickly. And when I do that, I'm pissed that I have to do it. And I think the Friday thing is hugely egotistical and stupid. But I generally forget it within a few minutes and enjoy the next couple of posts, until it's Friday again.

So when I sit down to read my blogs, it is like I am enjoying all the things I picked at the supermarket. Yes, I have salt and vinegar. Yes, I have twinkies (well I don't cos we dont have them in Australia but you know what I mean). Yes I have beef, fish and chicken and virtually every kind of cheese on the shelf. And I enjoy them *all*.

You're like an exotic new flavour of chips. Some people are going to absolutely adore you. Some people are going to dislike you greatly. This is potentially a problem for you, I think.

Now I didn't get to read this great post of yours yesterday which would have explained everything about where you live and why you're staying in a household where there was recently violence and now loud music. But let me make this point very clear to you. You can be as loyal as you want but when there are two men fighting on your living room floor and in order to make them stop you have to hit one of them, this is not a good situation to be living in. You *cannot* stay there. Even if V was your best friend for years and years. Even if she was your sister. Run, don't walk, to the door.