Why I Stay....

A few have asked why I stay in this living situation. This isn't exactly a re-creation of the post I deleted but hopefully it will explain some of my thinking on the matter.

I met D when I first arrived in northern California from Tucson. I was staying in the Budget Inn at I-80, just me and my carload of "stuff". There's no doubt that I was a bit of a stray cat at that time, not quite certain what I would do here.. or even if I would like it.

There were lots of rental ads in the paper but one caught my attention in particular. It was under "Temporary Rentals". "Small cottage for rent. Furnished."

It was that short. Really. But the word "cottage" set my fantasies running and it lived up to all of them. I called the number and said, "I just got here from Tucson. I'm looking for a place to rent. I can't afford deposits and have no credit to speak of. Given that, are you willing to let me see it."

D was on the other end of the phone. She said, in her thick Texas accent, "I don't need a deposit and as long as you pay the rent, I couldn't care less about your credit."

There was something about her blunt reaction to my blunt statement that set me into laughter.

I saw the cottage the next day and immediately fell in love with it. It was in her back yard, a guest house really. It was surrounded by cherry trees, nectarine trees, canopies of wisteria, a grape vine, honeysuckle and roses. It was stunning. Really. It was.

Four or five years later, due to V's spending, she had to sell that house. She asked me to move in here. I wasn't really too excited about the idea but it was cheap and we get along pretty well so I decided to give it a chance.

Without stating it openly, we established a certain set of standards by which we interact with each other. We've always been kind. She helped me out with things. I helped her out with things. When she got really sick a few years ago, I am the one who nursed her back to health. I made sure she took her medicine, that she got to doctor appointments and that she was fed and entertained to a degree. She trusted me with access to her bank accounts, let me pay her bills, use her car.... In essence, I was her errand runner.

I liked being needed that way. It fits right in with my natural inclinations.

A year ago this month, she told me that V would be moving here from Southern California. He'd finally hit rock bottom and needed a place to rebuild. I didn't know V so I was completely behind her. Thought it was a great idea.

Once I met V, I knew who I was dealing with. The man is a sociopath. He's a deadbeat and a liar. It's obvious what he's doing. He can be very charismatic but if you scratch beneath the surface, he is a hollow person. There's no one home inside.

What happened Thursday was not a complete surprise to me. I believe that if I hadn't broken up that fight, there might have been a homicide that day. When I broke it up, V had his hands around M's throat and was choking him. M was close to passing out. It scared the living hell out of me and I reacted out of instinct.

Prior to that event, I've never seen any violence around here. Ever.

D is devastated by V's problem. I know that.

She's getting old, to put it bluntly. I won't state her age, in deference to her Texas sensibilities.. but I'll say that she's more than 20 years older than me.

She's overly emotional, has a real problem letting go of her kids and has other issues but she has one of the biggest hearts I've ever known.

It would seem that I am the only support she has through all of this. Her kids are all a mess and she doesn't really have all that many friends. Why that is, I don't know.. but it's her situation.

So when I think about leaving her alone here with V, it doesn't seem possible.

Would I like to leave? Yes. In some ways, I would. I'm sick and tired of being around an alcoholic. I'm tired of his sucking the oxygen out of this place every time he goes on a binge. Life here revolves around what V is doing today. Is he drinking? Is he sober? Is he going to have any money for rent this month? You know, it's constant puddle-jumping from one V crisis to another. It's V drama, day in and day out.

But if there's one thing I've learned through my family experience, it is that loyalty means something and you don't bail because things are a bit tough.

I don't have it nearly as bad as D. I can come into my little granny unit and shut the doors. I am not forced to deal with it.

I do it for D. Simply. Because she has earned loyalty from me over ten years' time.

And she probably only has a few years left. She depends on me a lot more than she'd ever admit. Leaving her alone in this situation would feel like doing something so horribly wrong that I can barely let my mind go there.

What kind of person would I be to do that?

So, as you can see, it's a complicated situation. It's not just a matter of me leaving for my own comfort. It's a matter of leaving someone behind who doesn't really have a lot of resources.

That's why I stay.



Peace,

~Chani