Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Hot flashes of red and yellow....


Last night, I got furious with someone.

Knock down, drag-out, clouds parting.. rage.

It doesn't matter why or to whom. It only matters that apparently there is still a store of rage within me and whenever it gets tapped, I have physical and emotional consequences. That kind of rage releases all sorts of toxins into our bodies.

It was ugly. I was ugly. I was a foul-mouthed shrew and can't even remember now the majority of what I said.

The person with whom I got so angry was asked for forgiveness and gave it.

The point is that today I have no energy. I've been entertaining myself on Yahoo Answers, mindlessly answering one right after the other, anything to distract myself from the ugliness I manifested, knowing that it came from the bowels of my being. I'm not a kid anymore and these are the kinds of things that bring about heart attacks and strokes. At one point, I could only see white spots, black and white. I thought I was a goner. I couldn't catch my breath.

I thought I'd evolved beyond this, that no one and nothing could possibly bring it out again.

And today I am spent. There's nothing left. Just the remnants. Inside of me is a war zone.. broken pieces scattered around on the landscape of who I thought I had become.
~*

29 comments:

meno said...

I know that state. It takes me a long time to recover and forgive myself. I SWEAR i will never do it again. But then i do.

Ugh.

Sober Briquette said...

Yikes. I hope it helps you recover that you already asked for and received forgiveness. Take it easy.

flutter said...

I so relate.

Julie Pippert said...

I think we can pretty much most of us understand. I think quiet meditation afterwards is good.

That's one of my biggest challenges right now, and explain a lot why I get to that edge and point of frustration so fast.

slouching mom said...

oh, but your insight into your temper is so sophisticated!

and, you asked for forgiveness. i think that shows real progress -- and maturity.

jen said...

oh, sister. wow. what a brave post about a difficult self reflection. i hope tomorrow is lighter for you.

Journey Through Life said...

Allow yourself to stay with the feelings you are experiencing today. They are there for a purpose and the only way through is to let them BE. Allow yourself to simply be in the moment you are in. And as you do so, you will let yourself evolve a little bit more and come through with greater wisdom and acceptance of who you are.
You have my blogging support,
Annie
xxx

liv said...

Well, I admire the hell out of you for admitting that you were atrocious. It's hard to do, sometimes. Rest, recoup, and get back to the path.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I think this is the flip side of being a passionate person -- our negative feelings as well as the positive ones can rage like a forest fire.

You may not like this aspect of yourself, but it's there like all the others for a reason. If you were always sweet and loving, there would be no balance. I would also suggest that all this didn't come up in a vacuum. Someone triggered it and also bears part of the responsibility.

You completed the incident by asking for forgiveness, so it's finished. For your own emotional and physical health, it is now time to forgive yourself and let it go.

It just means that there is always more to strive for because we are all works in progress.

QT said...

Rest up, chani, and forgive yourself as you have already been forgiven.

I do it too - it sucks. Hugs,woman ~tomorrow is another clean slate.

seventh sister said...

maybe all that anger regarding your father had to be expressed some how.. or maybe not. either way, we cannot deny the anger which is part of our make up and stay healthy.

painted maypole said...

i'm glad you received forgiveness from the other person. be sure to forgive yourself, and then give yourself some time to heal.

JCK said...

I'm sure you have evolved, but we all have fall back days. Rage is years old, tapped deep. I don't know that it ever goes away. I think we just learn to recognize it and sometimes we can bank it and sometimes not. Be good to yourself now. Asking for forgiveness is very hard. And you did it.

ThomasLB said...

Jesus got pissed off and trashed a temple once. Moses killed a guy. They tried to pawn these episodes off as "righteous indignation," but the truth is, no matter how much you "evolve," you're still human.

It's doesn't necessarily have anything to do with spirituality. You still have a human body with a human brain. It could be a mis-wired synapse, or a stray hormone; any number of things can throw it out of balance.

Don't let this throw you off your stride. Clear your head, regain your balance, and keep on truckin'.

Anvilcloud said...

I think it's instinct vs reflection. Upon reflection we might know how to react to something, but sometimes instinct is just too fast. I got a semi rude comment from a stranger the other day. My first thought was to click on his blog, which I did. But then I saw that he was of adolescent maturity, and I clicked away. Every now and then, I'm tempted to get snarky on a certain bulletin board, but then as I begin to write, better sense prevails.

My Reflecting Pool said...

That is a scary place to be. Relax, regroup and think about what set you off. Figure out how to let go the next time it comes up. I know, easier said than done.

Jodi said...

sounds like you got right back on track. can we ever really get to a point of not getting angry?

Rima said...

That's an awful feeling, and I've been there, but you are only human. Sometimes the stars align in such a way to create circumstances that prove too much for our emotional intelligence to handle. Nourish your soul today and hopefully tomorrow will dawn a little brighter, Chani.

Hel said...

I know this rage.

Be gentle with you.

Janet said...

Rage, I know thee.

You asked for forgiveness...many don't. If the person you raged at can forgive you, perhpas you can agree to forgive yourself and get back on the path to where you want to be. I hope so.

wheelsonthebus said...

Now you need to forgive yourself. No one is perfect, but you work towards being a better person.

Emily

wheelsonthebus said...

Now you need to forgive yourself. No one is perfect, but you work towards being a better person.

Emily

Ian Lidster said...

But, you recognize what you did and that's part of the healing process.
And, the other point is, maybe you needed to show that sort of rage under the circumstances.

Mariposa said...

Oh, please don't be too harsh on yourself...the most important thing is...you are able to bounce back!

blooming desertpea said...

As much as I understand you for being hard on yourself (we are alike in this), your expectations on your person are very high. Forgive yourself! Every little step back is a huge step forward ... I truly believe that.

the psycho therapist said...

Soul work. Good job, you.

--

MsLittlePea said...

Oh I've been there. Anger is so energy draining. Be proud of yourself for your abilities to self analyze and to ask forgiveness.

Mary said...

OH, Chani. We are human and all feel rage like that, at least a few times during our lives.

Go easy on yourself and rest.

gumdropsandbubblethoughts said...

I have been there...