Monday, January 07, 2008

Into the Mystic....

It's been a long time since I've written about this and sometimes it occurs to me that I must seem rather heartless. Many people take much longer to heal than I do, for a variety of reasons. My spiritual beliefs have a lot to do with it. I don't hang on to things very much because I have a strong sense of how transitory most things are.

Most people know the backstory on this so it will make sense. For those who don't, go here.

My father and I certainly didn't have a warm and loving relationship. There is nothing I miss about him personally. There are no memories that I cling to for dear life because without them, there is nothing. We are like two people who passed through the same place at the same time.

That doesn't negate the fact though that I have certain obligations to him as a daughter which is also part of my spiritual belief system.

For the past several months, I've been nagged by some thoughts buried way in the back of my mind. I grew up believing that anyone who commits suicide is condemned for all eternity. Since I don't believe that intellectually, that did provide some buffer. You know, I wasn't flipping out about the issue. At the same time though, I really wanted to know. If that was true, so many things, so many beliefs, so much of everything would crumble for me. My belief in the inherent goodness in the world and my belief in a loving and forgiving deity.

Talk about an existential crisis!

I intellectualized with myself a lot, telling myself that belief was a lot of nonsense that I need to put out of my head.

It kept nagging me.

Really. Nagging.

I also had to deal with the possibility that it may not have been suicide. It might have been homicide.

I called the police department in the city where he died and the detectives were not very responsive. Polite, yes. Respectful, yes. Responsive, no.

I believe in the spirit world. I believe that when we die, we return to the spirit world. Additionally, I believe that a violent death of any kind can leave a spirit earthbound. They don't quite get that they're dead.

Shortly after my father's death, I awoke to distinct moaning. I knew who.. and why... said, "You're dead now. You need to go home" and promptly went back to sleep.

Earlier this week, I was in the Middle Place, that semi-conscious state between waking and sleeping when my father walked into my consciousness. He hugged me. (This is something that never occurred when he was alive.) He said something I can't quite recall... but very clearly said, "It's just that I found out that I was very, very sick." He said something else I don't recall, something about being okay and hugged me again. I wished him well in his next incarnation.

He was very thin. Boney. I came fully awake but could still feel the touch on my skin. I realized that he had come from the Other Side to let me know that he was not condemned and also that he did not die as a result of homicide.

Some of you reading will undoubtedly dismiss this as more eccentric weirdness from Eccentric Chani. I can assure you .. it was just as real as this monitor in front of my eyes or the keyboard beneath my fingers. It's as real as the sound of the radio in the background or my butt in the chair.

I'm a believer.

I feel very much at peace with all of this. I can now let go, knowing that he is at peace, that he is being healed and loved back to wholeness by a gentle and kind spirit world. We have finished the lesson, whatever it was, that brought us together in this lifetime.

We are both free.

~*

36 comments:

Bon said...

there is such a gift, in peace. i hope, someday, my own father and i find ours.

i am smiling at you and yours, having finished the lesson, and finished with a hug.

thanks for this.

flutter said...

oh and the peace.

Julie Pippert said...

It's lovely that you found your peace, through this. It's marvelous, in my opinion, that you shared it, because I think it can provide hope and/or validation.

MsLittlePea said...

I believe it Chani, it was real. And how wonderful.

slouching mom said...

WOW. Incredible. And I'm so happy for you. Free. What a wonderful thing.

Amy Y said...

Oh my gosh. I didn't know about your father... I can not imagine even an estranged family member committing suicide and being left to pick up the pieces...
I am glad you are at peace now. What good timing too, right before your trip!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Yes.

I believe, too.

I'm very glad that you and your father had such closure, which makes it possible for you to move on without the jagged rock of not knowing in your heart, and for you both to embrace the next lessons and relationships with freedom of spirit.

jen said...

i absolutely believe. and while it may have been more than he gave you while he was living, those are his demons and perhaps by freeing yours he also assuaged some of his.

Mariposa said...

I believe you and I exactly understand what you are saying...I did go through to something similar when I lost a bf in a car accident years back...and it was only last year the line "We are both free." made any sense to me...a very powerful and meaningful line.

Thanks for posting this...you have spoken in behalf of so many people, and you did it so well. I'm one of them.

liv said...

I think this is magnificent. To have one of these freeing experiences to liberate the heart and mind. Wow.

hele said...

Thank you for sharing this. Lately I often wonder if I will ever get to experience my loved ones after they are dead.

It feels good to believe I might just.

DMB said...

How fortunate you are.

Susanne said...

This had me tearing up a bit. How marvelous that you have closure on this. Thank you very much.

Christine said...

i don't believe this is "eccentric weirdness" at all.

i believe it, too.

i am glad there is this peace now, for him and for you.

Running on empty

Sober Briquette said...

Phenomenal.

I am so happy that you (and he) are at peace and free.

niobe said...

Amazing story. And something I'd love to experience myself.

gumdropsandbubblethoughts said...

Being free and being at peace are two of the most valuable thing a person can have.

Happy for you, Chani.

And what an amazing story.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

I'm so glad you both found freedom through this. This is a remarkable story - it's wonderful what can happen when you find the right way to be open to your spirituality on this earth.

QT said...

Chani - this touched me so much. I can't tell you how many times I have woken up to what I swear is the sound of my grandmother's voice, calling me. I only hope someday she tells me something as meaningful as what your father did.

Janet said...

I really like this post. I like that you both found peace.

Jodi said...

how wonderful for you to find that peace, to experience that.

wheelsonthebus said...

You found your peace together. So, for once, you were there together when you needed it.

realitytesting said...

I am glad for this, Chani. And I would not dismiss any of this, nor would anyone that I know. There are many people who know that middle place you are speaking of. I've made my own kind of peace there...twice. Sharing this was brave, and it provided me with some important validation. Thank you.

Rima said...

I am so glad that you had that visit, and that you wrote this post. I believe in the spirit world, and I am always heartened to hear other peoples' experiences of it.

Kikipotamus said...

Oh my. What an incredible gift, to be contacted by your father and given this crucial gift of knowing why, and that he is okay. I know it is not craziness because when people close to me die, I always get one or more visitation dreams. They are not like normal every night dreams, though I can also have an ordinary dream in which a departed person appears as a character. It's not the same. With the visitation dream, I awake knowing I was with the other person...and there is always a message that needed to be delivered.

What a gift. Thank you for being brave enough to share it.

anne said...

Chani,

There is no way to understand why people do the things they do in this life - especially when they hurt the people who love them. I think it just one of the many ways we, as imperfect human beings, try to cope with the world. Some lean towards harmony, others to dissonance. I think the ability to cope with life is just like any other gift and folks have it in varying degrees.

At any rate, it seems as though your father, and you, wanted to come to some sort of understanding. I'm glad you are at peace with this issue.

I too have always had an issue with the idea of someone who committed suicede being damned for eternity. And being raised Catholic didn't help. I finally talked to a priest about it and he felt the same way I did - basically that if a person is so desperate as to take their own life, God would indeed be merciful.

Eccentric weirdness? Not at all.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Chani, I have a little thingie to hang on your keychain at my place when you get a chance.

Angela said...

I have heard many people say that suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do. And I understand where they're coming from. But I also understand what it feels like to need out of this world in the worst way and it had nothing to do with selfishness. I'm glad your father visited you and that it brought you peace.

painted maypole said...

oh chani, i believe you. and now you have not only peace, but a happy memory of your father. 2 (or more...) gifts in one. how lovely.

Journey Through Life said...

Wow, this is a very powerful post and I believe every word of it. I also have had experiences of loved ones after they have died.
Having read this post after your next one on anger, I can't help but wonder if somehow what you were feeling on this day was a factor in your emotion the following day. Do you think that perhaps it could have played a part?
A
xx

seventh sister said...

Of course it was real. It is a tragedy to believe that only flesh contains consciousness. I am glad that you now have peace.

AmyTree said...

I absolutely believe it - peace be with you both.

Rebecca said...

What a lovely gift. Peace, blessed peace. I am deeply moved by your post and your journey through this, Chani.

Blessed be!
Rebecca

Carla said...

Chani, This is a most interesting post. I have had a number of experiences in what you call "Middle Place." An almost dream like state, but not the same as when I normally dream. Each time it has been very healing and helped me come to terms with something I have struggled with. After each experience, there has been, perhaps not instant release, but release. It's always given me the ability to move on. Thanks for sharing.

blooming desertpea said...

What a great experience! I do believe you and I'm glad you could close that chapter. Freedom - rings like paradise in my ears.

Jan said...

Thanks for writing about your experience with your father. That was a gift. I wish I'd have something like that, but I had a reconciliation like that with my father on his deathbed.