Sometimes we all need a refuge....

Some of you might recall when I wrote a post a few weeks ago about the wat and the wonderful day I had at the New Years Celebration.

I don't think I could have been more complimentary. And I don't think people could have been any kinder.

Now two weeks past the event, I realize they are not going to be my port in a storm.

This past few days have been rough on me for reasons I don't need to chronicle here. It has to do with moving and trying to communicate with others, not getting promised return phone calls, not being able to make any headway on any level to a point where I reached critical mass last night. My blood pressure was so high, I was afraid of stroking out.

It shouldn't be so f***ing hard to simply communicate with people! I'm a simple girl. If you say you're going to do something, do it. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. That's what makes my little world spin around.

I wanted to make contact with the wat. I wanted to know when or if they were having any classes or activities because, dammit, I want my refuge.

It is not going to be them.

I sent emails shortly after the celebration which went without response. This morning, in an overly frustrated state, I sent a rather biting email, asking why it is that I can't communicate with them, why I can't get a simple answer to a simple question. I told them that if they don't want newcomers around, perhaps they should password-protect their website so we won't bother them. I went on to tell them that I would be more than willing to help them drive newcomers away. I'd be willing to blog it.

Before I turn you off completely with what might seem rather vengeful and mean, let me qualify it by saying that I think righteous anger is just that. Righteous. And when we are really angry about something, we have a right to say it. In an ideal world, we'd never get angry but this isn't an ideal world. Granted, I could have said it better - but at that point I believed if I didn't state it strongly, I would just be ignored again.

That's my history with them.

Late this afternoon, I got a response back to my older email telling me that classes have been cancelled due to lack of facilities. The man, woman or Unix script that answered my email went on to say, "Let me check if the head monk is willing to set something up in the near future."

Now would that have been so hard to tell me two weeks ago?

One of the things that so few people understand (or care about perhaps) is that this whole world is full of vulnerable people. When someone reaches out to a spiritual community, s/he shouldn't have to fight and threaten in order to be acknowledged. I was harsh and unkind - and if I hadn't been, I'd still be waiting for their response. I had to be discourteous to fight for courtesy.

How absurd is that?

Spiritual communities should be our refuge. Whether it's a church, a temple, a wat or a Wiccan circle, it should be the one place we are assured acceptance and love. That's where we feel safe and cared for. That is where we should be able to go for guidance and comfort.

I was fully prepared to get involved with them, to volunteer my time and occasionally contribute financially, even though I am on a fixed income. It mattered. They mattered.

I go into things with an open heart. I always default to accepting others.

And often end up disappointed.

That's my ultimate downfall. I can't seem to muster up the cynical suspicion that overlies most social interactions in this culture which are based on self-interest and advantage. Like Janet Jackson sang, "what have you done for me lately"?

Chances are I haven't done much of anything that will further anyone's material advantage or career opportunities. If that's what someone wants, I'm not your girl.

I'm still angry. Angry and hurt.

With time that will go away. There's got to be a central lesson here though. A message. Otherwise it all becomes so useless.

For me, I guess the central message is simple. Be kind. Keep your word. Don't be a disappointment to others.

Please.

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