No Good Deed Goes Unpunished....

Saturn says "beep beep" to all who welcomed her. :)

That was so out-of-character for me to write something like that but admittedly, it was fun!

Things are still clogged up around here, more than I like. There are some things I will be able to talk about when I get moved that I can't say much about right now.

I'm still waiting for notice from the housing complex. Waiting lists can be grueling because there's really nothing I can do to speed up the process. It's... um... a waiting list. I wait.

A few weeks ago, I joined Weight Watchers. Honestly? I love the program as far as the method used to determine what foods to eat. I've learned a lot. Their scales are awesome, practically to the ounce, and I like being able to track weight loss in such a precise manner. Even with all my easy-going, old hippie ways, I still like precise-ness.

The thing that makes me half nuts is going to the rah-rah meetings. I couldn't care less about stickers and public recognition. It makes me cringe. I'm too old for that kind of thing and I've never liked childish things. Even as a kid, I cringed at that kind of thing.

The question and answer part is great. That's at the very end. That means I have to sit through the rah-rah stuff if I want to ask questions.

All I can say is this: I'd better lose a ton of weight!

There's something really odd that happened here but it's not something I can discuss too openly on the Internet. It did freak me out though. It has to do with helping take care of an older person and getting turned into Adult Protective Services for it. It wasn't .. um.. the older person's fault. It was her doctor's nurse-practitioner's fault. She was suspicious because I make sure... the older person.. gets all of her medication. Because she's very sensitive to drugs, we've had to split the pills in half so she doesn't get the extreme side effects. The nurse wondered what happened to the other half of the pill. She thought perhaps I was taking them.

I was very angry. It wasn't pretty.

More on that after I've moved. Suffice it to say that very few good deeds go unpunished.


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Transitions...

This is a picture of the beach I'll be seeing outside my window when I've moved.

Thanks to those of you who wrote to check on me. I'm okay.

This past few weeks have been filled with shedding old skin for new. Not long ago, I was reading a book by Thomas Moore called "Care of the Soul". In it, he tells us that the state of our environment is often a reflection of the state of our souls.

That stuck in my mind. It was difficult to get it out of my mind, kind of like a piece of music that gets stuck in our heads. Now it makes sense.

Since I am planning a move to Crescent City, I've been sorting through all sorts of old stuff in the house. There's not a lot of room for moving things in my small Toyota. Traveling light is necessary. No room for old baggage. This move is more than just changing locations. It is also a symbolic way of closing the door on the past.

I'm good at compartmentalizing!

As this stuff shifts out of my life, I am feeling lighter and lighter. Sometimes I look at something and think "why the hell did I ever buy this?" There are things in this house that actually feel burdened and heavy on their own. It's as though there is a film of negativity attached to the items themselves.

If it wasn't for some expensive electronics, I'd be tempted to walk out of here with just a few suitcases and a box of favorite books. Realistically though, the cookware and the electronics would all be difficult to replace so that stuff will come along. My TV is new. With the digital/analog thing going on, I bought a new digital TV. Too costly to abandon it. Same with the computer.

As for the rest of it, if it no longer serves me, it's gone. The WEAVE Thrift Shop has been getting bags and boxes from me for the last two weeks. I've sold some things on Craigslist also.

Do you know that I had over 200 CDs? Of course you didn't - but I did. No human being needs 200+ CDs! Most of them haven't been played in years. They're musical genres that no longer interest me or I got them home and didn't like them. I also had over 100 videotapes. Who has a VCR anymore?

I also had things I've been carrying around for twenty-five years or more and haven't looked at some of it in ten years. Example: an old Minolta camera with all the accessories. Now I have a digital camera.

It's gone.

This is a spiritual project as well as a physical one. It is affecting how I see the world and my place in it. The lightness of having very few material possessions is freeing.

Each article that comes into my new home in Crescent City will be chosen mindfully and carefully. I'll have it because I love it, not because it's something I picked up at a yard sale without any particular thought, something that just "happened" in here or something I acquired out of momentary necessity.

I will do the same with ideas, people and beliefs.

The condition of my environment will reflect the state of my soul. Unburdened, free and open to experience. Weightlessness.

So. It's been a while. What is everyone up to? I will be sure to visit all your sites again very soon.



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Facebook and Blogging....

Well, I have to speak my truth.

Facebook just doesn't do it for me. It's been a few months now and while it is nice to see snippet updates from people, it doesn't have the "hook" that draws me in. In general, it appears to be just another shallow social networking site with people competing in a marketplace environment to up their number of friends, parlor games and quippy comments.

Meh. Maybe I'm just too old. I miss substantial conversation over tea, metaphorically speaking, and what occurs on sites like that seems to be a passing wave at best. I want to ask "how are you doing" and get a real answer.

I'm not interested in popularity contests, tagging or quipping. I'm not good at any of that. Perhaps this is a consequence of my own introverted nature ~ or perhaps it's because it fits a trend I don't like seeing develope further; instant food, instant intimacy and disposable people.

I posed the question on Facebook ~ whether it is replacing blogging. If that is the case, I would find that most unfortunate. Blogging is a meal, not a gourmet meal.. not a perfectly healthy meal.. but a meal. Facebook is fast food. It's social McDonald's. Drive up, get it fast and gobble it down while on the way to doing something else.

I'd be curious to know your thoughts on this.


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Update.....

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Thanks to those who wrote and asked where I've disappeared.

I am still on dial-up and can't see most of your sites because of the slow page loads. That means I can't comment. Some sites, I can't even read. That takes away half the pleasure of blogging because it's the interaction that makes it meaningful. The back and forth of commenting and sharing with each other is what makes this worthwhile. Without that element, it doesn't hold much interest for me at all.

Supposedly, my Linksys will be fixed on 12/24. When that occurs, I'll be back to commenting, reading and writing.

For those who celebrate, I hope you have a good holiday. For those who don't, I hope you have a relaxing week.


Peace,


~Chani

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Okay... so I'm flip-flopping :)

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In my spare moments here, I looked into making this blog private which seemed like a really good idea. There are things I want to be able to post about that I can't do publicly and want to do with people I know and have established a good blogging relationship with.

However, I'm linked to a few sites like Thailand Voice, Sacred Life Sunday, Just Posts and Wellness Wednesday that won't be able to connect here without... well.. you know... global access. (clearing throat)

So what I will do when I get home is create a silhouette site. I can't do it from here because of the page load and, honestly, I don't want to take the time away from my family in this house. And that, they truly are! I'll have much more to say on that when I get back and set up the private site.

While they watch goofy movies that I can not understand because of the the language barrier, I often get on the computer and answer email, maybe write a quick post or try to read a few blogs. They understand and all is well.

But creating a silhouette is going to take uninterrupted effort and I can't do it until I get back. I'll name the blog something obvious so that when those of you who have told me you'd like access get invitations, you won't have to wonder who the heck it is! :)

Posts on this site will be obviously public and less detailed but I hope they'll still be good. Well, they will be good because I'll make them good.

Sorry for the bouncing around on this. I realized the other day that I do want to be able to share more freely and can't do that in an open forum. I just didn't think through the implications.
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Coming Up For Air....

Just coming up for air... taking an opportunity to say hello.

I've been reading, sewing, shopping on eBay, taking naps, watching movies, doing yoga, had a few marathon phone calls and generally relaxing. My presence in the blogging arena has been negligible but I did get into a few interesting comments-section debates, here and there.

I'll be back in better form after the first of the year. There are a few things to talk about but I haven't written them up yet.

Thank you for all the lovely comments left to my last post. Wow.. 45 people sent me good wishes. I feel rich.. full. How can things not go well with all that awesome positive energy floating around? It was wonderful. Thanks so much. :)

Hope everyone had a good holiday, if you celebrate. If not, I hope you've been having a peaceful time.



~Chani

NaBloPoMo...

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I am currently re-evaluating whether to participate in NoBloPoMo. I spent a few hours yesterday and this morning randomly rambling through the Randomiser. It seems to recycle the same twenty blogs or so.

At the risk of sounding alienating, which is not my intent, the content of those blogs simply didn't speak to me at all. It's the same old thing. I don't live a mainstream life dominated by household concerns. And unfortunately most people like me do not blog.

(Clarification: I am not meaning to imply that everyone should think like me or be like me. What I'm saying is that I'm finding very little diversity in terms of lifestyle or ideology. )

I couldn't bring myself to comment. It wasn't lack of desire. I'm big on commenting. When people write, they want to be heard. I get that. Totally. I feel the same way. I suspect most of us write because we want to connect with others. Otherwise, it becomes little more than m@sturbating in public.

At the same time, my fingers froze over the keyboard. What could I say? Moreover, what could I say that would be honest, authentic and legitimate? How can I say something that won't sound canned?

I can imagine they will have the same response to me. They'll want to say something. That's the spirit of this, after all. NaBloPoMo is all about making new connections.

Yet their fingers will freeze over their keyboards, too.

How do we relate to someone who lives such a radically different life that there is barely a string to connect us beyond the fact that we are both bipedal and presumably eat and eliminate? I'm really feeling defeated by this right now.

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It All Matters - Because It Just Does!

A few more thoughts on the "How We Matter" discussion going on at Using My Words.

Yesterday, I put out a rather vague post about a condition in my life that was causing me anxiety.

And a few dozen people ('a few dozen' is a lot of people!) came by here and left very kind comments. One of them made me cry ~ and I don't typically cry.

This may not seem like a big thing. Commenting on blogs. We all do it. We go from one site to another, sprinkle the sites with our thoughts, our encouragement or our opinions.

And it matters - because it just does. Because there is someone sitting on the other end of the screen who is reading them. If they make someone smile, make someone think, make someone look at something a little differently or if they encourage someone by validating their own view of something, that is value.

Western culture weighs and measures too much. For a long time, I got trapped in that, too. Concerned about whether or not my blog, my writing, my opinions, my very personhood measured up to what I saw around me. Interesting hierarchy, that. Up. Down. Lower. Higher. All with an intrinsic value attached.. a measurement.

What I finally concluded is that we can never know how much an action might matter to someone else. The only solution is to walk along our path, sprinkling a few rose petals where we can and let it go.

And I thank all of you for the rose petals you sprinkled here yesterday ~ and sprinkle here daily. It matters. To me.

Palms together (ไหว้) to all of you.

กอดกับรัก (May you be well and happy.)
~*

Words.....

I like to write. And I like to read.

Overall, I love words! There are times when a word hits me just the right way and it feels good coming off my tongue and the meaning strikes me as significant.

I'm fickle. I use words in stages. A word that felt just right at one point gives way to another.

Right now, my favorites are:

1) Mellifluous

2) Love

3) Serendipity

4) Phoenix

5) Bouncebackability (made up word. I do that, too)

6) Resilience

7) Ameliorate

8) Diddums

9) Lavender

10) Gobsmacked

There are also certain expressions that resonate with me for a time, often giving way to something new as I learn it

1) Cri de couer

2) Mai bpen rai (Thai for "never mind. It's okay.")

3) "Wa" (Japanese for 'harmony')

4) Jai yen yen (Thai for "cool heart")

5) Cassandra's cry (I seem to be melodramatic lately)

6) Synchronicity of indeterminacy (Now is that double-speak or what?)

7) Triumph of random chance

8) Cogito ergo sum (Have to stick at least one Latin phrase in here)

9) Sui generis (I've never given this one up. Been using it since I was a kid.)

10) Chong mang (This is not nice! I only use it when I'm completely exasperated!)

Do you have any favorite words or expressions?

I know this is a silly post but I'm a bit tired today. I'll come up with my usual turgid prose tomorrow.

~*

What are your blogging boundaries?

What are the limits on the things you will blog about?

This question was asked on Matty's site and I decided to pick up on it.

Over the past ten months, I've experimented with this quite a bit. I've shared parts of my life that were difficult, enough to provide background to give my transition from one way of life to another some context. My lifestyle is unconventional.. and not very many people have ever tried to adopt and assimilate into another culture while living in their culture of origin. But it's more than a social experiment for me. It's my life now. And I like being able to explore it with others, whether or not they have an interest in ever doing something so radical themselves.

I've occasionally blogged about things that were probably best left unsaid, such as personal bumps that have left me feeling insecure or uncertain. I've blogged about some things that are so personal that I really questioned the wisdom of it in retrospect ~ on more than one occasion. In some of these things I've gone too far and recognized it as I sat here behind my computer monitor, feeling as though I was stark naked and vulnerable in front of the entire world.

I am first and foremost interested in ideas. What drives us, what makes us tick, what gives our lives meaning and purpose? What lights our individual fires? I am interested in the personal experiences of others that have been life-changing and growth producing. I am interested in the thoughts of others as they sit in their private garden, uninterrupted by external events and distractions. I am interested in how others express their lives.

My own position is that this is where the beginning of wisdom is shared. It is where we discover commonalities. Finding commonalities among external things such as social markers is not sustaining. Not ultimately.

In thinking about blogging boundaries, I think I've decided (not certain yet) that my boundaries are drawn where I am left feeling too vulnerable, too exposed. My points can be made without that distraction.

What about you? Where do you draw the line on what you'll blog about?

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336 posts ago....

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Note: My other blog has been updated as of today. Click on sidebar if you'd like to read it.

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When I opened up this template, it told me that this is my 337th post.

I can't believe it!

Printed out, it would be the equivalent of a book!

Yesterday, I took the day off from posting.. and didn't really miss it much. I puttered around, cleaning things that needed cleaning and pulling weeds from the garden. All afternoon, I lay around on the bed, reading, with an old movie playing in the background.

~*

Last night at an odd time, I got a surprise phone call.

The phone rang at 1.30 a.m, brought me out of a dead sleep and nearly scared me half to death. I'm not the sort of person to get middle-of-the-night calls. I'm not on anyone's emergency list and even when my father passed, I got an email asking me to call (subtext: at a decent hour).

I reached for the phone, figuring it was some drunk dialing a wrong number. It couldn't be Deborah's bill collectors, the previous owner of my phone number who seems to have a lot of outstanding debt. I get her calls a lot. Um. A lot. "Is this Deborah B*****?", "No." "Does she live there?", "Not unless she's hiding in the closet."

Clunk.

Friday night I had a planned phone call from a fellow blogger that was long and delightful and rambling. We covered a hundred topics in a nearly four-hour phone call. We tossed subjects out like pebbles on a lake, seeing where the ripples would lead next. They led from the lake, to the river, to the ocean. It was wonderful. I am not ordinarily at ease with people but found myself quite at ease with her.

Anyway, during that conversation, I must have conjured up the person who called last night in the weesmas.

Finally, I caught the phone before the voicemail kicked on.

"'Lo"

"S'wadee, dear."

I sat up straight in bed, wide awake.

It was my beloved Ajahn S.

"Aaaah. Oh. Ah. Hellll-LO! How are YOU?" I felt like crying!

"How you do? I thinking about you."

His accent is something I tend to forget. When he speaks English, he sounds like Ting Tong Macadangdang from the British TV comedy. He even uses outdated British slang.

"Fine. Um. Fine. Uh."

Funny how we get tongue-tied around people we not only admire, but people we have given a degree of authority in our lives. I couldn't imagine why he would be calling me. I hoped like you can't imagine that he has not found this blog... or started to read it regularly. He'd probably think I'm some sort of idiot!

"Do you know when you come back?"

Gave my projection. Probably next summer some time. Sooner, if possible. This latest wrinkle with my father might delay me a bit, especially if the will goes into probate.

"Being there not you so good for, eh?"

I talked for a few minutes with him, the kind of honesty that takes place with someone we trust completely. No, it's not easy.. but, yes, I'm coping. I want to come home. I miss you. I miss your family. I miss the friends I made there. I even miss R., my host, crash pad provider when I was there before.

I was struck by the power of those words. "I want to come home." Feeling in exile, stranded, unrooted. At this point, I explained, I've kind of accepted my fate for what it is and am not going to give in to complete rootlessness. I'll remain rooted to the periphery of life here.

And I've put to rest and found peace with the fact that no one here in my private life has any understanding of what that's about. I don't need them to understand. Not any more.

So, we talked on for twenty minutes or so and I went back to sleep feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling a part of.

It's a peaceful kind of feeling. I don't think I had that word for it.. before.

~*

Weekend: Recognizing differences and overcoming them...

There are times when I really feel the difference between me and most of the world.

And sometimes it's really painful.

I got to thinking about this site earlier today.. and this afternoon. There are days when it's harder and days when it seems to be okay.

The differences that I am aware of are hard to define in precise terms but they do affect how I write here and what I have to say. Some people are observers in this world, while others are full participants. I am an observer.

Social smoothness is something I will never have. I am a single, older woman. I do not come from, nor live in a nuclear family setting. There are no family weddings to write about.. or birthdays.. or anything of that nature. I don't have cute and funny family stories to share from the past. In that regard, I can't create commonality where there isn't any.

All of these things at times feel alienating.

Do I feel "less than"? Sometimes. Yeah. I do. And sometimes this site really amplifies that. All I can offer is observations and ideas, thoughts about the things I see around me.

There are times when it doesn't feel like enough.. and there are times when that old shame creeps back in. I should be someone different than I am. I should be married. I should be more active socially. I should be... I should be.... everything that I am not.

I'm curious about how others see this, too. Do you feel like blog writing brings out so many of your inadequacies (we all have them)? Does it make you feel more connected or less? Do you vacillate? (I do. Some days are awesome and other days I feel like I'm on the outside, nose against the window pane.)

While this is very hard sometimes, keeping this site up, I also know I need to do it for my own growth. I need to overcome these insecurities. There are also good things about me that I know. I am reasonably intelligent. I'm kind and compassionate... and I am a social moron. (I say that in the most loving manner, of course, because being a social moron isn't always a bad thing.)

There are some really awesome human beings in this small blogging community that surrounds me. Some are people who are twenty years younger than me and I learn from them daily. They have more wisdom than I will ever have. Some of them.. well.. I wish they were my younger sisters. There are some who challenge me to climb out of the abyss and begin to see things differently.

And I'm really grateful for all of that. Truly. I am.

And there are times when I feel like I can't possibly live up to this, that I am not "good enough" for some of you who surround me, whom I learn from and admire on a regular basis. The old ghost rattles its chains in the closet and seriously tempts me to shut down and go away.

Just curious what others experience in this setting, a setting which by its very nature is probably far more honest than most social settings.

I know some of you are going away for the weekend. May you travel safe.. and come back refreshed.


Peace,


~Chani

The electronic neighborhood....

I am still absorbing a lot of the things from last weekend (re: tagging, community and so on) and I noticed something significant.

And I absolutely loved it!

People were leaving comments and talking to each other! I'm a very interactive person and when we're all shooting the breeze together and exchanging ideas, I go to heaven for a while.

Part of the risk I take though is that someone might get upset with me and not say so. Unfortunately, due to some of the positions I took on those issues last weekend, it would appear that a few people have stopped coming here.

A month ago, that would have freaked me out. I would have felt that I'd done something wrong, that I drove them away, that it was my fault somehow. It would have gnawed at me.

I no longer feel that way. It bothers me, sure. It's sad and disappointing when someone chooses to cease communication because I spoke my mind. I am truly an easy person to talk to.. and a good listener, always willing to respectfully hear someone else's point of view. The truth is though that I can't be anyone other than who I am ~ and can only speak my truth as I see it. And those who choose to go, all I can do is wish them well.

It's worth mentioning, too, that I heard from three people involved with the post I cited as troubling. Each one of them was respectful, kind and reassuring that I'd misunderstood. There was no ill-intent. My respect for them has increased by a few orders of magnitude. That is graciousness, being willing to talk an issue out without getting angry or hateful.

I'm glad for that... and I'm glad we were able to talk about it.

I may be biased but I have the best commenters on the Internet. The graciousness, the kindness, the honesty... It's amazing really when you consider how easy it would be to disappear when a topic gets a bit touchy. I lucked out though to have a core group of people who are willing to accept me, warts and all. That's not to say that everyone always agrees with everything I have to say. There's no sycophant stuff going on here. Disagreement and correction are very welcome. Learning is important and I am teachable. In general, we all interact very honestly and with a lot of maturity, regardless of the topic.

Earlier today, I was blog-surfing and commenting on blogs. I'm trying to follow the blog world rules and comment on new blogs daily. Some of them were familiar and some not. Just for the heck of it, I started keeping track of what made me want to leave a comment for someone and when I felt more comfortable just clicking by.

There are a few questions I have based on the experience I had commenting today and I'd like to put it out for your consideration:

1) Do you prefer that I interact, reply to comments or does that really matter in the long run? (I enjoy doing it, by the way, so there is no sub-text to this. I'm just curious.)

2) What in general does it take for people to feel comfortable commenting to each other?

3) What if there were too many comments? Would it put you off?

I noticed as I was searching around that I looked for these three things a lot. I looked for the interaction between commenters, author responsiveness, and how they behaved toward each other. When people were hostile, obviously I didn't want to comment ~ but it was also hard when there were so many comments that I felt like it would be impossible to interact with the author at all. I found it intimidating then.

Just curious for your take on this.

And while I'm at it, I do want to thank everyone for the discussion last weekend ~ and every day. In case you hadn't gathered it, I appreciate and am grateful to each one of you. I don't think I acknowledge that often enough....

:)


Peace,


~Chani

Blogging Culture and Commercialism....

Lately, there have been several posts floating around about blogs and the implications of making them commercial. I read Mad's series on this topic and found it very good and thorough. I agreed with some of her points and disagreed with others. Some strongly. Today, Julie has written about it. Please read hers as well as this one because my comments are a branch from that tree. This started as a comment on her blog and got too long.

The various points have been weighed by those far smarter and more savvy than me, but nevertheless I found that my reaction to them was visceral, almost to the point of wanting to shout "absolutely not!" Do not commercialize these forums! I don't care how you try to rationalize it. Do. Not. Do. It.!!

Technically, these blogs are simply a more individualized version of the old bulletin boards. We went from Delphi-style bulletin boards to Yahoo-style mailing lists to blogs.They use a more sophisticated tool but it is essentially the same objective that keeps them going. It's a way to be heard. It's a way to learn new ideas. It's a way to communicate.

It has only been very few times I took a look at some of the "popular" sites and was turned off by both the content and the NASCAR appearance of their sites. The pages took forever to load in because they were cluttered with ads and self-promotion of one type or another. I was turned off and did not return.

I can't tell you in mere words how utterly put off I am by the world of commerce and the mentality that comes along with it. The pandering, the promotion of products or individuals, the "popularity" aspect of it. Blecht. My life is too short and my time is too valuable to waste it on something like that. Just recently, I stopped reading someone's blog because it became too focused on the commercial potential of his writing. And make no mistake.. I thoroughly loved that blog! I was very disappointed when it went in that direction ~ but after three or four weeks of visiting, only to read about which cell phone to buy or whether or not that individual would be able to make money, ostensibly off of my visits, I had to bite the bullet and say "so long".

The best thing about blogs is the free-wheeling, outspoken nature of them. It's the Wild, Wild West of ideas. Everyone writes what he or she chooses to write about and invites others to comment or not comment, include themselves in the conversation or not. Very few are niche writers. Even the so-called "mommy bloggers" are quite diverse in all respects and while they write about raising their children, there are much broader issues being addressed at the same time. The "Social Justice Roundtable" posts are an example. While they may have been spawned out of concern for the future of children, they also provide an excellent resource for knowing what people are thinking about, what they perceive as being critical social problems to be solved and they give us a Cliff Notes view to follow up on or not follow up, again by choice.

Blogging is a roundtable, closest to the traditional concept as is humanly possible in the rather dry and mechanical universe of the Internet. We use our words to put color between the lines. These forums are accessible to nearly everyone. Internet access is not off the table for a good portion of the population in many parts of the world. Even the homeless can get access in the library. This requires no privilege. I live on a fixed income that is less than the "privileged" spend at Starbuck's in a two- or-three-month period. My computer is an older model that was given to me by the girlfriend of a friend when she upgraded. If it dies, I'll get up on Craigslist and buy another for a few hundred dollars. While I do have high-speed access, the cost is split between three people. Mine is far from a voice of "privilege".

Blogs can be a way to find likeminded others. Sure. If I wanted to go niche, I could probably draw other short, pudgy, middle-aged eccentrics who plan to move to Southeast Asia. All the short, pudgy, middle-aged eccentrics who plan to move to Southeast Asia would have a little community. We could share our plans and give each other ideas on how to make the move smoother. We could wax poetic about our chosen homelands and be as happy as the proverbial pigs in mud.

And it would become one-dimensional and boring as hell because there is only just so much that can be said around the central thought of "I'm a short, pudgy, middle-aged eccentric and I plan to move to Southeast Asia." The community would last six months or so. Like specialized, topical Yahoo lists, there would be a flurry of activity and would eventually end up with diminishing traffic because it would become just as interesting as watching paint dry. It's too insular.

Sticking a toe into the pool of commercialism might feel good initially but it's soon discovered that the pool is actually quicksand. The world of commercialism has no room for diversity ~ or freedom of speech ~ or any of those other things we consider to be the core and lifeblood of blogging.

Having worked for a newspaper, I know how writing can ultimately work its way back to "the bottom line". My words were to be strung together for a certain purpose. That purpose was to sell newspapers. I had to be sufficiently controversial and sufficiently tapped into whatever "everyone" was talking about or I'd get a verbal swat on the wrist from the editor. That meant week after week of writing about the same topics whether they interested me or not. I had to watch the daily news, keep track of the "big topics" on talk radio. I had to write cutesy pieces about Hallmark holidays. I had to write the occasional human interest column, designed to appeal to the emotions of the readers, usually to encourage monetary participation in someone's cause or influence their political thinking in the face of some upcoming election. I wrote so much pop-culture dreck that I should have been on a daily dose of insulin. I was a glorified propagandist.

Speaking only for me, I will never sell my soul like that again.

And I don't want to spend my on-line time with anyone who would choose to sell theirs. I'm too old and tired to be bothered with popularity contests (which commercial sites ultimately become) and I am not interested in feathering anyone else's nest with my time and energy unless it is by explicit agreement.

So ~ when it comes to the commercialization and commodification of blogs, I am firmly in the "absolutely not" camp.


Peace,


~Chani

The Outsider's Scriptorium....

While blog-hopping this morning, I noticed several people talking about why they do this. Why do so many of us get up each day, think of a topic, log on and write?

You know what? I have no definitive answer! I can't say for certain. There's no ultimate agenda, no profound message, no overriding need. It's just a way to communicate thoughts and ideas that pass through my life from a variety of sources. I'm an observer here.

It's a way to document a fairly unique experience. It's not often that someone over 50 deliberately chooses and adopts another culture, finds her soul's home and deliberately sets out to make it physical home as well. In many ways, it's like being a child again with the wisdom of an adult. I can embrace that culture while still having the guts and the brains to sort the wheat from the chaff. That's true outsider writing.

On the other hand, it reinforces my outsider status in the negative application. I am not part of a family unit. I do not travel extensively. My last bit of traveling will be a one-way ticket to Thailand. My life here is very home-centered, very idea-centered ~ certainly not much that would be considered entertaining to recreational readers. My site will never be filled with pictures of the moments of my life with kids, parents and the usual rites and passages of that style of life. It won't be filled with the things most consider cornerstone.

I am the rare woman who has been given the gift of a completely blank slate on which to create my life. It is an invigorating process but it also carries an awesome responsibility. The state of and well-being of my life falls entirely on my shoulders, a result of my choices. I have no outside source to blame or praise for it. It's all me.

That is also very unusual.

I grew up and experienced the majority of my adulthood as a completely disconnected person. I was not included in the ebb and flow of American life. I lived a life that many would have viewed as lonely ~ but it rarely felt lonely. There was so much to learn, so much to see, that boredom was never an option ~ even in the midst of the driest, most barren time in the desert. I'm certainly never bored or lonely now, even though I don't have the usual external stuff such as family or employment to occupy me.

So again, why do I do this? Perhaps it is worth documenting because most of the people I've known who come from my type of experience are ashamed. It can be a very damaging experience if we choose to process it that way. This culture shames people who don't have the external trappings that most people have: the kids, the house, the parents, the relatives, the employment and the interactive lives that flow from that. So they hide. They don't understand the freedom of choice they have in their lives. They don't understand or embrace the fact that many of us are wanderers in this life. We're observers.

This quote from Maya Angelou's I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings sums it up well:

'What you looking at me for? I didn't come to stay.' … Whether I could remember the rest of the poem or not was immaterial. The truth of the statement was like a wadded-up handkerchief, sopping wet in my fists, and the sooner they accepted it, the quicker I could let my hands open and the air would cool my palms."

I am not ashamed of my past. Not in the least. If I'd wanted those things all that badly, I would have created them. I would have done the things and made the compromises necessary to create them. I'm not some hapless victim who got a raw deal in life. I got an unusual deal, yes, but not raw.

I never wanted the kids, the house and the supposed American ideal. My last brief foray into the world of dating reinforced that. I really do.not.want.it. The whole idea of marketing human relationships makes me physically ill. Maybe I just don't have the same capacity to put up with crap as most people.

More outsider stuff.

And I'll continue writing. I'll continue to write between the lines of Thai values and the transformation my lifestyle choice has offered me. Without being bombastic, pedantic or a propagandist for Thailand, I can write of the way my life has changed so drastically and so completely as a result of discovering the culture that feeds my soul, that makes my life more rich and far more complete than I'd ever imagined was possible. Hopefully someone will find it of interest. Maybe someone out there will also see that having a free life is not a shameful thing. I love the life I've chosen. That's worth celebrating.


Peace,

~Chani

Blogging questions...

Jen at One Plus Two had a series of questions about blogging to ask us. They were thought-provoking and quite interesting. It's not the usual fair in "memes" which include fluff questions about favorite this or that. (At my age, one becomes precariously close to not having 'favorite' anything ~ just a series of 'what will probably work most effectively'. :)

Anyway, I would like to see anyone who chooses to answer these questions pick them up and do so. Please leave me a comment though so that I will know to come read your answers.

~*

1. Do you like the look and the contents of your blog?

Not particularly. It is just a standard cookie-cutter template offered by Blogger. If I had the money or the energy, I'd probably come up with something else. For now, it will do. The contents are sometimes okay, sometimes not so okay.

2-Does your family know about your blog?

Hell, no! I wouldn't trust my family of origin with my shoe size, let alone any product of my internal life. As the Thai saying goes, "see sor hai kwai fang". It would be like playing the violin for a water buffalo.

3-Can you tell your friends about your blog?

Sure. In fact, I've given it out more recently to a few people because I am tired of hiding. This is me, warts and all. Imperfections, insecurities, health problems, incomplete thoughts, undeveloped ideas, kindness, compassion, love of all that is Thai, eccentric, reasonably intelligent but hardly Mensa material ~ all of it. I spent a lifetime hiding who I am ~ and it has become something of a personal jihad to become more WYSIWYG and to feel safe doing so. It has also served as a good weeding-out tool. If I meet someone new and he or she can't take the raw honesty I deal in here, we wouldn't be a good match as friends.

4-Do you just read the blogs of those who comment on your blog?

No. I always read the ones of those who comment but there are several I enjoy silently and there are a few who do not allow comments. I probably should leave a comment for the ones I can, at least to thank them for writing.

5-Did your blog positively affect your mind?

Not always and sometimes. There are times when it forces me to deal with old insecurities. There are also times when it seems to be a good growing tool for me. I put out some very private things and don't get slammed for it. I am, as most of you already know, not very confident (Mistress of the Understatement here) in the social world. This gives me a safe way to learn new ways to do things, new ways to think about things. In that regard, even when I might feel negatively, it is still a positive thing.

6-What does the number of visitors to your blog mean?

It means a lot. I won't lie about that. If my readership was very low, I would be disinclined to write.

7-Do you imagine what other bloggers look like?

Hm. Not really. Now that you ask it, it isn't something I think about. I don't care very much.

8-Do you think blogging has any real benefit?

Yes. Blogging is one of our greatest learning tools. I believe western culture has this backwards, that we learn from looking within ourselves. I believe we learn from each other. Like it or not, life is participatory and we need each other. In that respect, blogging gives us an opportunity to learn from others, not just practical things but also to realize how very much alike we all are. We are not as alone or as independent as we might like to imagine.

9-Do you think that the blogosphere is a stand alone community separated from the real world?

No. It is one component of "the real world". People need to be heard, to be validated, to know there are others experiencing similar things in our lives. It helps us discover commonality. Since it is often unsafe in person-to-person, day-to-day interactions for a variety of reasons, blogging is a safe outlet.

10-Do some political blogs scare you?

Sure. Some ideas frighten me.. and when those ideas are expressed in writing, it gives them more power. Words have power. What we say matters.

11-Do you think that criticizing your blog is useful?

Yes. Only in a constructive way. Only in a "what is my real reason for saying this" way. I feel a responsibility to put out only truth as I know it and to practice Right Speech. Occasionally I slip and an f-bomb drops or I express something in an unkind way but that, too, is a learning experience. It is also a good exercise for me to learn to criticize it constructively and not give into my rather obvious struggle with perfectionism and feelings of inadequacy.

12-Have you ever thought about what would happen to your blog in case you died?

Not really. I know what would happen. It would cease to be updated. :)

13-Which blogger had the greatest impression on you?

I don't like to single people out that way or say "this one rates higher than another". I also don't like popularity contests. In fact, I despise them. I'm not big on weighing or measuring value. All the blogs I read impact me one way or another. I read and smile along with someone, or feel compassion for a hard time, laugh at a well-turned phrase or get my brain cells tweeked by reading a new idea. Naturally, I resonate with some people personally more than with others but that only indicates commonality, not superiority, and I don't see any positive result of listing those people here.

14-Which blogger do you think is the most similar to you?

All and none.

15-Name a song you want to listen to?

This morning, I have been listening to Jack Johnson ~ and it seems somewhat right for right here, right now. Tomorrow or later on, it will be something else.


Thanks for the questions :)

Peace,

~Chani

The "comments" debate....

I am putting this topic out for general conversation and, yes, I am looking for input.

What is blogging all about? We put out our innermost thoughts and sensitive experiences, generally to be read by complete strangers. I don't know most of the people who read this ~ and most of you don't know me. If I disappeared tomorrow afternoon, it would be nothing of significance in this particular venue. That part makes sense.

Yet, there is a question I have... and I would like to know realistically what it means...

Do comments matter? If so, what leads people to want to comment? How come some people can write "I went to McDonald's for lunch" and end up with 150 comments and someone who writes a heartfelt, substantive post ends up with 2?

This is something I think about.... and feel a sense of failure when the comments are minimal, thinking I didn't do well enough or haven't written something interesting enough. Much of this... hell... most of it ... is my own old crap creeping up. Still, I think it's a good idea to get a reality check. It's good to know what is my own old crap and what is truly indicative.

So.. is anyone willing to tell me? Do comments matter or do they not? Are they a gauge of success or failure? Am I making more of it than should be made?



Peace,

~Chani