Stranger in a strange land....

You say I am mysterious
Let me explain myself
In a land of oranges
I am faithful to apples.

~ Elsa Gidlow

Things are becoming more stable around here.

V. has been sober for four months now, holds a full time job. He's not causing the kinds of crises that were a staple of this environment just four or five short months ago. D. seems to be reasonably healthy and content with her situation.

When I leave here, it needs to be during one of these "calm" periods. Trying to leave in the middle of a mess would be very difficult for me ~ and probably very difficult for D.

So I've been thinking...

What I need is people around me who think and live the way I do. I need to wake up each day and not feel "other".

During my remaining time here, before leaving for Thailand, I really need that. Badly. While I have some very good contacts on the Internet, other people who have chosen the same way of life I've chosen, it would be better to be surrounded by like-minded others in a community. People I can see and talk with over a table. People I can share a meal with. People who will share some of the same milestones. People I can share things with on an everyday basis, not only through typed words.

That's not to say I don't value Internet contacts. I do. The Thaiphile community is very small and there are several of us who have contact only with each other ~ and only this way.

One person though did take it a bit further. She moved from suburban Dallas to a location closer to a Thai wat. Since she made that choice, she is surrounded by others who share her values, who believe as she believes and people who "get" her without explanation. She is finding her place in a community that makes sense to her. She is in the flow of life instead of separate from it. They share customs and habits, holidays, values and standards. Without realizing it fully, I've been very hungry for that. Really hungry.

I am going to be following her path. Through the Thai Embassy, I have gotten a list of every wat in this country. All I have to do is choose one.

I'd love to go to Berkeley but it's out of my price range. I might choose Texas. There are actually several possibilities so the only thing I need to do is investigate the cost of living in each area and choose one.

Loneliness isn't the problem. Not entirely. I'm such a loner that it rarely enters into my life at all. Just the same, I would like to have the option of choosing aloneness when I want it. It feels imposed on me now. What's missing, what feels so isolating, is the fact that I do live a different type of life, think differently, dress differently, value different things and often have to explain to others. Defending my way of life is tiring. I explain to those who care enough to ask. By that, I mean there are some who respect other cultures enough to bother asking. Those people, luckily, I count among my friends.

Most of the time though, I wander through each day feeling foreign and odd, not able to really connect with others around me because we simply don't think alike. At all. The greatest downside is that most people I meet just automatically assume that I believe as they do, that I value the same things. That increases my sense of isolation as I either go along with it or remain alone.

I am not certain what the time frame is on my getting to Thailand. An unqualified projection would put me there by next summer. Still, that's a year away and until that time, moving to a small community of those like me would probably be rather refreshing and comforting. It will be reinforcement of my way of life instead of isolation.

~*