Wat's up....

Crazymumma asked an interesting question in yesterday's comments and it was a good one.

I would love to know what living on/in? a wat would mean for you. You know, the everyday.....

so curious as to how it would change your life.

I'm going to try to answer it. But first, it needs a foundation. There have been other occasions when I've tried to write about this and I'm not certain at this point that I have the writing skills to capture it fully.

This change I made... It's not just clothes and cute customs. My world shifted on its axis and I'm not the same person now as before it happened. No one was more surprised by it than me.

It was a heart change. It was a change in the way I view the world and my place in it. When I lived over there, in that hot, humid place I would gladly move to a more northern location, I fit in seamlessly. There is no logical explanation for it. There was something that "clicked" on such a fundamental level that I was never the same after that. It was as though my soul recognized it as "familiar". And after that recognition, my soul wouldn't be satisfied with anything less.

When I came back here and decided to bring it into my everyday life, to capture it and hang on to it, it allowed me to continue feeling tethered to the world. The disconnected feeling I'd lived with for more than forty years was something I was not willing to live with again. I immediately began to seek out others who shared common values.

The problem I had with the small Thai community in Sacramento is that most of them who lived here had no interest in the way of life there. They left there because they wanted here. And sometimes, typical of any convert to a new way of life, they became more here than people who have lived here all their lives.

Oh, sure, there were a few.. occasionally I meet someone who holds the same core values. They come here for other reasons... such as my language buddy who is very clear on why he's here. He's here to make money and take it home. He's treating this like any other job. He works his tail off for the benefit at the end.

In Thailand, the wat is the center of community ~ not unlike the way church is for many communities here. It is where the gathering takes place. It is where people meet. There are usually all sorts of cultural and educational opportunities there that can't be found anywhere else. I won't be living at the wat. I will just be living in close proximity so that I can participate.

This is why I am choosing to move near one ~ so that I can participate at that level.

The difference in my everyday life will be profound. It means I will be a part of the everyday flow of life which I am not here. It means that I will be able to participate in things that reinforce my way of life instead of alienating me. It means that I will be included in things that I am not included in here. It means I will have a real life instead of sitting on the sidelines, watching others.

One of the things that's important to mention here is that no one is excluding me intentionally. No one is being mean. I'm a big girl and I'm a big girl with a degree in Sociology so I understand how group dynamics work. It is natural for people to group together who share common values and customs. This isn't rocket science.

I knew this would be a problem when I decided to become who I am today. But that doesn't make it any less difficult emotionally, simply because I have that intellectual knowledge. The logical step is for me to surround myself with people who share my chosen values and customs.

And that doesn't mean that I will be excluding everyone who is not like me. It will actually enhance my experience with friends who are different than me. It will make me a happier, more fulfilled person, so I will be able to share that with friends. I will have more to offer those who surround me, no matter who they are.

The truth is that I should have done this as soon as I came back from Thailand and realized fully the implications of my time there. I should have picked up and moved then, knowing that I probably would have saved myself from a lot of heartache over the past four years or so.

But one of my characteristics, unrelated to Thai culture, is that I don't like change. I resist it. I don't like moving and I don't like newness. I get set in my ways.

Just the same, sometimes we have to do what we don't want to do to get something we want and need. Even me.. and even when I don't necessarily like it.

I hope that answers the question a bit, puts it in some context.

~*

Stranger in a strange land....

You say I am mysterious
Let me explain myself
In a land of oranges
I am faithful to apples.

~ Elsa Gidlow

Things are becoming more stable around here.

V. has been sober for four months now, holds a full time job. He's not causing the kinds of crises that were a staple of this environment just four or five short months ago. D. seems to be reasonably healthy and content with her situation.

When I leave here, it needs to be during one of these "calm" periods. Trying to leave in the middle of a mess would be very difficult for me ~ and probably very difficult for D.

So I've been thinking...

What I need is people around me who think and live the way I do. I need to wake up each day and not feel "other".

During my remaining time here, before leaving for Thailand, I really need that. Badly. While I have some very good contacts on the Internet, other people who have chosen the same way of life I've chosen, it would be better to be surrounded by like-minded others in a community. People I can see and talk with over a table. People I can share a meal with. People who will share some of the same milestones. People I can share things with on an everyday basis, not only through typed words.

That's not to say I don't value Internet contacts. I do. The Thaiphile community is very small and there are several of us who have contact only with each other ~ and only this way.

One person though did take it a bit further. She moved from suburban Dallas to a location closer to a Thai wat. Since she made that choice, she is surrounded by others who share her values, who believe as she believes and people who "get" her without explanation. She is finding her place in a community that makes sense to her. She is in the flow of life instead of separate from it. They share customs and habits, holidays, values and standards. Without realizing it fully, I've been very hungry for that. Really hungry.

I am going to be following her path. Through the Thai Embassy, I have gotten a list of every wat in this country. All I have to do is choose one.

I'd love to go to Berkeley but it's out of my price range. I might choose Texas. There are actually several possibilities so the only thing I need to do is investigate the cost of living in each area and choose one.

Loneliness isn't the problem. Not entirely. I'm such a loner that it rarely enters into my life at all. Just the same, I would like to have the option of choosing aloneness when I want it. It feels imposed on me now. What's missing, what feels so isolating, is the fact that I do live a different type of life, think differently, dress differently, value different things and often have to explain to others. Defending my way of life is tiring. I explain to those who care enough to ask. By that, I mean there are some who respect other cultures enough to bother asking. Those people, luckily, I count among my friends.

Most of the time though, I wander through each day feeling foreign and odd, not able to really connect with others around me because we simply don't think alike. At all. The greatest downside is that most people I meet just automatically assume that I believe as they do, that I value the same things. That increases my sense of isolation as I either go along with it or remain alone.

I am not certain what the time frame is on my getting to Thailand. An unqualified projection would put me there by next summer. Still, that's a year away and until that time, moving to a small community of those like me would probably be rather refreshing and comforting. It will be reinforcement of my way of life instead of isolation.

~*

I've been spending some time reading blogs again this morning and there seems to be a common thread running through many of them. It's all about goal-setting and accomplishment. This is so foreign to my way of thinking now that I felt a bit gobsmacked by it.

Then I got to thinking....

Our individual approach to living an authentic or satisfying life seems to depend a lot on our stages of life.

In my own case, I deal with a physical and emotional framework that is much older than my chronological years. This, combined with such a tiny income drastically limits the scope of what is possible to accomplish, of all the things one might wish to do or goals one might want to pursue.

For a long time, I ranted and railed about the unfairness of my differences. Why couldn't I be like others? Why couldn't I value what it seemed everyone else values so intently? Why couldn't I care about the hunt and gather World Series that so many devote their lives to? Why couldn't I care more about "stuff", owning it and acquiring it? (That's when I wasn't busy dogpaddling around in a pool of self pity!)

There comes a time when certain realities set in, no matter how hard we try, how many lists we write, or how hard we work to set and meet goals meant to help us "accomplish stuff."

Like aging. Disabilities. Chronic illnesses. Losses or financial insecurity that simply cannot be reversed, only absorbed and incorporated into the reality of our lives.

What has been useful to me in letting go is a very simple philosophy that was (somehow?) whispered into my ear when I realized my ability to sustain a "normal" pace was coming to an end. I had no means of support and I truly feared that if I stopped, I would either die or end up on the street. I was sitting under an oak tree at the time, when the words came to me...

"You already have all you need. Use what you have."

This made no sense at the time, yet has proven to be a truth so huge I can't even begin to describe it.

I'll settle for saying this: it was the beginning of a journey that instead of being focused outward, towards what I could/must/should still do or have in the external material world to a long journey inward that I had never taken before.

Once my familiar immersion in the external, material world was taken away and there was nothing left to do but journey inward, it would prove to be one hell of a ride!

Remember scavenger hunts or treasure hunts that children play? It was like that ~ in a way. Following hints and clues and random thoughts down one inner path after another, I discovered treasure after treasure I had totally missed during the years I spent struggling against an invisible monolith.

Most all of them were tiny, shiny bits of my original self that life had chipped off or that I had deliberately amputated and discarded as unacceptable to those in this world whose acceptance I thought I had to have.

I'd examine these shiny bits, collect them up, dust them off, to find where they fit into that authentic self I'd so long ago abandoned.

As this process continued, I discovered my very own truths and beliefs, as opposed to those that were so skillfully imposed upon me. They'd never felt much like my own but I also didn't see a real alternative.

Slowly I came to see I really needed none of what I'd lost materially or function-wise (or that which I thought had been taken from me by the fickle fingers of unfair fate!)

I still have "goals" but much differently defined than ever before. None of them reach beyond this one single moment in which I am breathing. And none of them have one bit to do with doing anything, only with being.

Because those whispered words are totally true for me.

I already have all I need. And I know how to use it.

So there's really nothing to "strive toward" anymore because it's already here.

This has been a long and difficult treasure hunt and it is far from over. One I would never have had, if I hadn't accepted the limitations of my own being, to realize that there are always choices and alternatives, that authenticity has its own value and that I no longer had to try to cram my being into boxes that no longer fit.
~*

The devil made me do it!

I just watched an interesting segment on "Hannity and Colmes" which I'm almost embarrassed to admit gets any attention in my house!

Anyway, one of the last stories of the evening was that of Bob Larson, a fundamentalist preacher who performs exorcisms.

I remember the movie from the early 70s and won't deny that it scared the living dickens out of me. It was the graphic stuff. When I read the book prior to seeing it, I yawned through it. I was not religious in that way and it didn't seem real enough to qualify as a horror story. A horror story is something that can really happen.

Most religions have some element of this belief, east and west, that demons can possess the bodies of humans. While I find it questionable, my mind is open to the possibility. I can't swear it doesn't happen and I can't swear it does! I know I don't mess around in the spirit world unless I'm reasonably certain what I'm doing. You'll never find a ouija board in my house.

This is how I see it though. In terms of spirits, certainly there is a spirit of depression or a spirit of intoxication or the spirit of anger. These are things we experience and the seriousness of them seems to depend on the cultural context.

In Thai culture, monks often perform a ritual which is intended to remove evil spirits from individuals who are suffering. Most of the time, I suspect it is a placebo, making the person feel better because something was done and their suffering was validated.

Thais love their ghosts though. That is why there are spirit houses everywhere and the spirits of ancestors are appeased and honored. Still, I'd say a ghost is different than a demon! I have a spirit house, too, but I use it as a mindfulness tool. It reminds me to respect those who came before me.

I suspect a demon is something that has a hold on us and we can't let it go on our own. I do believe there are ghosts and spirits ~ but I have a serious problem with the idea of demons, beyond using the concept as a symbol.

How about you?

~*

Blessed refuge...

Addendum: The name of the book is Many Lives by Kukrit Pramoj. :)

~*

Today I had a special gift in the mail. An acquaintance in Thailand sent me a copy of a book I've been wanting to read.

Sometimes I think we don't notice when we're thirsty. Thirst is different than hunger. It's more subtle. We can go for quite a while before realizing that the roof of our mouth is parched. Hunger is in your face, demanding to be satisfied. Thirst isn't demanding. It just removes taste and energy in its own quiet way.

I came back to my den and began reading immediately.

I read while I waited for D at her post-surgery doctor appointment. I read while she went into Staples to pick up a few things she needed. I read at stoplights. I read while I watered the garden, one hand holding the book and the other holding the hose.

I read while I had lunch at a local restaurant. I read at Target while waiting for a prescription to be filled.

I read when getting back from errand running.

I just finished the book.

It was quenching my thirst. It was something known and refreshing. It was a reminder. It was a reminder that there is someplace with a way of thinking that matches my own. It was a reminder that there is a place that doesn't scratch my dry skin until it bleeds. It was a non-visual picture of the life I've chosen, life in the place I've chosen... the history, the customs... the way of life.

... the place I miss so much that I don't even dare think about it consciously very often. It would overwhelm me. It's the difference between water and air. It's the one thing that can bring me to my knees so I try block it out most of the time and refuse to think about it.

The book is about eleven characters, none of whom know each other. There is a criminal, a prostitute, a prince, a doctor, an actor, a monk, a writer, a mother, a soldier, a rich girl and a daughter.

It tells the stories of their lives up to the moment of the boat accident that takes all of their lives. The job of the reader is to determine the commonalities, to look at karma ~ how is it that all these people were in the same place at the same time and does it mean anything? Is it just random? The back of the book says "Was death a retribution, a fulfillment, a reward, an escape or merely the end to a long life?"

Those are the kinds of things I think about in my private moments. The book offers no answer. Just the question.


Peace,


~Chani