Sacred Life Sunday: No "Mean" Theology!

I attended the tail end of another class this morning.

First, let me say what I liked. It was very diverse with all sorts of people. Men, women, Black, white, young, old. Second, although I disagreed with the teacher on many things, she was a darned good teacher! Thorough, well-spoken, never rambling. Her research was very, very good!

It may seem odd to some that I am taking all these Christian classes when I am a declared Buddhist. Actually, there is no inconsistency. Buddhism doesn't address the issue of the existence of God. That is for each individual to decide herself/himself. My desire is to study as much as I can in as many traditions as possible. Even though I did this years ago in college, the courses are far more sophisticated and thorough now, so it's worth doing again.

I like the church offering the classes. I like their approach to community which is very proactive. They offer all sorts of classes, have a lending library and even have a pastor devoted to answering individual questions and offering guidance. There is nothing ostentatious or pretentious about it. It's very welcoming and the thing I like best is that they never, ever, talk about money.

This morning's class was about the second book of Thessalonians, 3rd chapter - in which I found a lot of what Olivia calls "mean theology". This was perhaps one of the "meaner" books I've read in the Bible and found the need to "soften" it. The instructor guided us through the literal words without interpreting them for us.

In the middle of the class, I asked her "aren't we talking about reciprocity here, about participation in community?" To her credit, she was willing to discuss this at length and to respond to not only me but others in the class who had similar questions. The passage sounds heartless and completely lacks compassion if there is no explanation or extrapolation. We all come to this planet with different capabilities. I believe work can take many forms. It doesn't have to mean "employment" in the typical sense of that. It can't be quantified in the way she was presenting it. We debated it and I was glad to get the opportunity to present an alternative interpretation.

I was sensitive to the fact that there were two women in the class who are disabled and that doesn't include me. Does that mean they have no value as human beings and should be left to starve? Hardly! Yet the presentation being given without challenge was "mean theology". It was a way of using God's word to diminish, demean or minimize another person. It was based on fear and judgement. Very distasteful, all in all.

Don't get me wrong. I don't believe anyone should be free to just sit on their butts and take from others. I believe a major component of spiritual maturity is figuring out where and how we can contribute. It is important is to recognize all the different ways we can give to each other and embrace that. It doesn't have to look any particular way.

If someone is not contributing anything - and I mean anything - then we have an issue to address. Sometimes someone is not aware of it, might not be aware of how they are not reciprocating. Perhaps they haven't been made aware of a way to reciprocate. We owe it to them to bring the issue up in a gentle, loving way and hear what they have to say. And to offer something they can do.

Long, long ago - when dinosaurs still roamed the earth, I was exhorted by a coworker on a social justice project. He told me I was always late and never stuck around at the end of the meeting to help. He was right. I did do those things. Last one in and first one out.

On yet another occasion, more recently, I was exhorted by someone with whom I share a recovery group, saying that I was too harshly judgemental and that I made her uncomfortable. She got to a point where she no longer wanted to talk in front of me because she could sense my judgement about her choices, her values and her cultural alignment.

Both of those people were right to bring me to consciousness and my behavior changed as a result. It wasn't easy to hear. None of us like to be confronted with our faults but by bringing it to my attention, they helped me grow.

That is community.

The way this lesson was presented seemed to be saying "reject all those who do not live to our standards and whose lives don't look exactly the way we want them to look." I don't see that as something from a loving God. I believe God calls us to compassion, first and foremost. I also believe God calls us to be involved with each other, to teach each other, to encourage each other and to help each other grow.


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I'm hanging out here today. Please come by and visit. All are invited. :)


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We Are All Special, Just Like Everyone Else...

This topic is getting more complicated as I peel the layers away. It may actually take on a life of its own. :)

I thought about this quote:

Man, I see in Fight Club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see it squandered. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

(Thanks to Jen for allowing me to use this which is on her blog banner. :)

Putting it into this frame, it raises some good points about individuality, how it is defined and how it manifests.

Recognizing how our individuality manifests in community is fairly easy. We come to know that our individual traits become a part of our immediate community and how we contribute. We forge an identity from that. That, in my opinion, is the core of individuality and how we recognize it in ourselves and others. It is how we find meaning.

But there is an external system that leads us to believe that our individuality is dependent on how we stand out, how we can be different than others, how we can create a peak experience. When we can't find that peak experience, we begin to feel we have no purpose.

Charles Eisenstein says it best in the book I've been pushing lately. He says: "The result is that we lack the means to establish a strong identity. No one knows our story. Human beings have always defined themselves in great part through their relationships with others, building a common story defining each of its actors. Now these stories have splintered themselves into tiny four person units [...] Unlike the small village or tribe, where everyone knew your story and you knew everyone else's you had a context to create a solid story of self. Today we interact day-in and day-out with outsiders. We maintain our private lives and know little of the lives of [others]."

This is a result of money-based culture, the commoditization of time and relationships. This isn't just about the little pieces of paper that represent specific amounts of value. It's not about money, per se. It is about monetizing. It is about seeing energy as investment. It is about seeing our lives as increments of time which must be used for production and results. Interaction has become focused on what we can get, what we need and what investment (energy) we must exert to "make our dreams come true."

This attitude causes our interactions to become superficial and hollow. That is what brings about the "Blink" response as we immediately evaluate how an Other may be part of our goal or not part of it. Our limbic instinct for survival and the ability to determine safe from unsafe has become perverted. Individuality is lost in a sea of unrealistic expectations. That, again, makes us question our importance as individuals.

Realistically, in my opinion, until we give up the fantasies of what we should be and what others should be, we'll remain in this position. Nothing will ever be enough. Finding our own individuality starts with accepting others as they are. It comes with accepting that fantasies are fantasies for a reason. It comes with accepting that all of us are fundamentally good beings who are fine, just as we are.

Consumer culture will continue to take something we already have and sell it back to us. It will convince us that fantasies are reality and that if we just own the right things and know the right people, we will achieve the peak experience of "finding ourselves." Just buy my book and I'll hand you the answers on a half shell. But it's a lie. There is no book and the knowledge is free.

We're already found.

We're already valuable.

We're already special. We are special to the people whose lives we touch, however lightly, and we are special because we are human beings with all of our good points, our bad points, our questioning, our inherent desire to share (each in our own way) and our inherent capacity to love.

But we have to learn to frame that differently than the culture has framed it for us.

Am I making some sense here?


(More to come. There's a lot more to peel back on this topic.)
~*

Frlends Wlth Beneflts....

De asked a really important question in comments on my last post and it's had me thinking all day. She says: Can you address the value of the individual, though? I often feel hopeless, and question the worth of my own life. Is it as straightforward as one's value stemming from being part of the whole, the "divine?"

The answer is yes and no. And not entirely. That's part of it, sure. But the defining difference in my perception is between individuality and individualism.

Individuality is an aggregate of all our traits and characteristics, positive and negative. It is what makes us who we are. It is what we bring to the collective table. It is how we find a place in the social web. Without individuality, there would be no creativity.

When I was in Thailand a few months ago, and when I was there several years ago, one of the things I took note of is how we interacted together. My rather annoying trait of objectively observing social dynamics is rooted in my educational background. It's second nature. Here's what I noted:

We did nearly everything together. We cooked together. We kept the house together. We shopped together. We talked together. We laughed, we bickered and we shared. Perhaps the only thing we did in a totally private setting was make love or defecate. I'm sure you get my point. What I'm saying is that we created together. We didn't create the closeness because we shared our deepest emotional secrets. We created it because we depended on each other daily.

One of the things that became very clear was our individuality. We each had different traits that when combined allowed us to do that. We had to get along. We each had to do our part. We each had to come through and be responsible or the whole thing fell apart. It put boundaries on our behavior. We couldn't just blow something off because we didn't want to be bothered. We couldn't decide at the last minute that we'd rather do something else because we depended on each other. Interdependence.

A more recent example is in my interactions with the wat which I mentioned earlier. We have managed to work things out. One of the ways I knew it had really worked out and that it wasn't just making nice is that I got the following message: FYI - The temple committee is planning another celebration coming up in June. If you're free -- help is always needed. That let me know that I was accepted - as an individual. Mainly because in the process of helping, all the things I mentioned above will apply. I will bring my individuality to that setting and, with others, determine how we'll create together. They are allowing me that much entry into their community.

Our individuality is what allows us to share of ourselves. Without us, the entire dynamic of the group would change.

Individualism on the other hand is defined as A social philosophy which stresses the importance of the individual above society.

Individualism is what separates us. Individualism is what makes us question the value or importance of our own lives. Human beings are social animals and individualism tends to monetize or make all interactions utilitarian. We become consumers rather than participants. Rational self-interest becomes the highest motive in our interactions with others. It causes our relationships to be superficial and then we question our worth. You, De, and I were raised in that kind of social system. A mark of good mental health, according to the PTB in that field, is "knowing how to recognize opportunities and take advantage of them."

Gee, doesn't that just give you the warm fuzzies?

So.. at least in my opinion.. the value of our own lives as individuals has some dependence on what we bring to the table, what we are willing to create with others, simply because we are all on this planet together and we need each other. Not because of advantage and not because of self-interest. Combined individuality is what feeds our souls and makes us whole. That is what makes me honor you and hopefully you to honor me. That is what makes us unique. No other reason. Just that we need each other and give of ourselves freely.

This is Part One of the answer.... with more to come. :)

~*

Put a little love in your heart....

First of all, I want to thank all of you who left me comments and sent private notes over the past few days. You have no idea how grateful I am for that thoughtfulness (even when you challenged me) because I don't have the words. May the karma gods smile on all of you. I know I am.

I was reading a post earlier on Annie's site and it got me thinking.

We are all in this together. There are thousands of us, literally, reading posts at this very moment. There are thousands more of us sitting in living rooms, watching TV or listening to music. Reading books. Some are sitting in dark bars, sucking down the next drink. Someone is smoking crack. Someone is crying. Someone is alone.

Thousands of us are alone.

This simply doesn't have to be. It leads me to wonder why there is so much loneliness when there are so many of us. We waste our time forming little groups, validating ourselves by shutting others out (I'll be writing a post on social networking sites later - and, yes, it's biting), spend inordinate amounts of time on our own petty concerns and then claim we don't have any time and allow ourselves to be mindless. We forget the real purpose we are all here.

This should be simple. It should be evident. And no one should have to be alone unless they want to be. And we shouldn't have to shop for companionship the way we shop for our shoes or our kitchen appliances.

One of the things I experienced in Thailand is a social openness that I can't even imagine here. I was included in things when I didn't even know the people. I got casual invitations at markets, in stores, during walks. I was another human being and was invited by other human beings who assumed that I was just like them.

People waved to me as I sat on the balcony, exchanging pleasantries and smiling even though we didn't speak the same language. I can "swadee ka" with the best of them but this went beyond that. We communicated with our eyes, with our touch, with our gestures.

There is very little loneliness there. In fact, if anything, alone time is rare.

I could go into a full tilt rap about all the reasons for loneliness here. I could write a sociological analysis but I don't want to. We can unknowingly justify this stuff by over-intellectualizing it. It isn't an intellectual issue. It is a human issue.

It is a choice. Not inviting is a choice. Being mindless is a choice. Snubbing is a choice. Judging is a choice. Not being kind is a choice.

At some point, we have to decide who we are going to be in this world. We have to make choices that stretch us, make us a bit kinder, make us more conscious of others. A post like Annie's should never have to be written. My warrior spirit wants to slay that dragon.

Speak to someone. Pick up the damn phone. Do something to make someone else's world better. Please choose kindness.

~*

Where concern ends and begins....

(Just for the record: My purpose in discussing this idea and bouncing it off a comment received was not for the purpose of focusing a negative light on any individual. It is a common sentiment, expressed in many places, and I decided to run with it.

It is this kind of personality stuff that makes me think about hanging up the shingle for good. I deal in *ideas* ~ not *personalities*. Perhaps that is why, if you've noticed, I don't discuss political candidates, public figures or individuals who blog. I don't do it. Period.

At any rate, my apologies go out to Claudia and anyone else who may have been inadvertently hurt by it. )

~*
This morning, I got a comment to yesterday's post that got me thinking. (I love when that happens! :)

The comment was My question is: why is something that has absolutely nothing to do with you so interesting?

I think I can only answer this as someone who used to write opinion columns for a newspaper.

The majority of the things I wrote about had nothing to do with me personally.

My answer to that question would be this:

We live in a community.

When an event such as Columbine (mentioned in the comment), Virginia Tech, the bombing in Bangkok, 9/11 or any other such event occurs, it ripples through the entire community. We are all involved whether we like it or not. We are all involved when anyone in our community suffers. It's symbiotic.

Maybe I didn't know anyone personally who died in the Twin Towers but does that make the event any less relevant?

Maybe I don't know anyone personally who is involved with the Iraq war. Does that make my pain any less relevant?

One of my arguments with major media is its tendency to personalize everything ~ to use the Aristotilean "appeal to misery" as a way to get people to care about social issues.

It could be you!

You are probably only two paychecks away from homelessness, too!

What if it was your child?

Instilling fear.... as though it should only matter if it affects our individual self-interest.

I say it doesn't matter if it is me. It affects someone. I say it doesn't matter that I am not personally two paychecks away from homelessness. Someone is. I don't care if it's my child. I don't have children. But someone does.

It's someone's child.

And I am you.. and you are me. When you are suffering, I suffer.

That's my answer... to why I care and why I am interested.
~*

It All Matters - Because It Just Does!

A few more thoughts on the "How We Matter" discussion going on at Using My Words.

Yesterday, I put out a rather vague post about a condition in my life that was causing me anxiety.

And a few dozen people ('a few dozen' is a lot of people!) came by here and left very kind comments. One of them made me cry ~ and I don't typically cry.

This may not seem like a big thing. Commenting on blogs. We all do it. We go from one site to another, sprinkle the sites with our thoughts, our encouragement or our opinions.

And it matters - because it just does. Because there is someone sitting on the other end of the screen who is reading them. If they make someone smile, make someone think, make someone look at something a little differently or if they encourage someone by validating their own view of something, that is value.

Western culture weighs and measures too much. For a long time, I got trapped in that, too. Concerned about whether or not my blog, my writing, my opinions, my very personhood measured up to what I saw around me. Interesting hierarchy, that. Up. Down. Lower. Higher. All with an intrinsic value attached.. a measurement.

What I finally concluded is that we can never know how much an action might matter to someone else. The only solution is to walk along our path, sprinkling a few rose petals where we can and let it go.

And I thank all of you for the rose petals you sprinkled here yesterday ~ and sprinkle here daily. It matters. To me.

Palms together (ไหว้) to all of you.

กอดกับรัก (May you be well and happy.)
~*

Wat's up....

Crazymumma asked an interesting question in yesterday's comments and it was a good one.

I would love to know what living on/in? a wat would mean for you. You know, the everyday.....

so curious as to how it would change your life.

I'm going to try to answer it. But first, it needs a foundation. There have been other occasions when I've tried to write about this and I'm not certain at this point that I have the writing skills to capture it fully.

This change I made... It's not just clothes and cute customs. My world shifted on its axis and I'm not the same person now as before it happened. No one was more surprised by it than me.

It was a heart change. It was a change in the way I view the world and my place in it. When I lived over there, in that hot, humid place I would gladly move to a more northern location, I fit in seamlessly. There is no logical explanation for it. There was something that "clicked" on such a fundamental level that I was never the same after that. It was as though my soul recognized it as "familiar". And after that recognition, my soul wouldn't be satisfied with anything less.

When I came back here and decided to bring it into my everyday life, to capture it and hang on to it, it allowed me to continue feeling tethered to the world. The disconnected feeling I'd lived with for more than forty years was something I was not willing to live with again. I immediately began to seek out others who shared common values.

The problem I had with the small Thai community in Sacramento is that most of them who lived here had no interest in the way of life there. They left there because they wanted here. And sometimes, typical of any convert to a new way of life, they became more here than people who have lived here all their lives.

Oh, sure, there were a few.. occasionally I meet someone who holds the same core values. They come here for other reasons... such as my language buddy who is very clear on why he's here. He's here to make money and take it home. He's treating this like any other job. He works his tail off for the benefit at the end.

In Thailand, the wat is the center of community ~ not unlike the way church is for many communities here. It is where the gathering takes place. It is where people meet. There are usually all sorts of cultural and educational opportunities there that can't be found anywhere else. I won't be living at the wat. I will just be living in close proximity so that I can participate.

This is why I am choosing to move near one ~ so that I can participate at that level.

The difference in my everyday life will be profound. It means I will be a part of the everyday flow of life which I am not here. It means that I will be able to participate in things that reinforce my way of life instead of alienating me. It means that I will be included in things that I am not included in here. It means I will have a real life instead of sitting on the sidelines, watching others.

One of the things that's important to mention here is that no one is excluding me intentionally. No one is being mean. I'm a big girl and I'm a big girl with a degree in Sociology so I understand how group dynamics work. It is natural for people to group together who share common values and customs. This isn't rocket science.

I knew this would be a problem when I decided to become who I am today. But that doesn't make it any less difficult emotionally, simply because I have that intellectual knowledge. The logical step is for me to surround myself with people who share my chosen values and customs.

And that doesn't mean that I will be excluding everyone who is not like me. It will actually enhance my experience with friends who are different than me. It will make me a happier, more fulfilled person, so I will be able to share that with friends. I will have more to offer those who surround me, no matter who they are.

The truth is that I should have done this as soon as I came back from Thailand and realized fully the implications of my time there. I should have picked up and moved then, knowing that I probably would have saved myself from a lot of heartache over the past four years or so.

But one of my characteristics, unrelated to Thai culture, is that I don't like change. I resist it. I don't like moving and I don't like newness. I get set in my ways.

Just the same, sometimes we have to do what we don't want to do to get something we want and need. Even me.. and even when I don't necessarily like it.

I hope that answers the question a bit, puts it in some context.

~*

Limits to Unconditional Love...

This morning, I've been thinking about unconditional love. There are two news stories that triggered this off.

Bobby Cutts, a married police officer, killed his pregnant girlfriend. A high school friend, Myisha Ferrell, may have helped him dispose of the body ~ or at the minimum, helped him to cover up the crime.

In the later years of my generation, some group of academics came up with the idea that we should all love each other unconditionally. No matter what the behavior, we should stand by our friends and our families.

No limits.

Personally, I've never bought into the concept of unconditional love. I believe behavior has a lot to do with my feelings about someone. Maybe I'm just missing something, but if you kill your girlfriend, you're on your own. I will not help you dispose of the body and I will not help you cover it up, even if I think you are the nicest person I've ever met. Even if you tell me it was an accident and you didn't mean to do it. You do it. You own it.

Paris Hilton's parents are planning a big party for her when she is released from jail today or tomorrow. Kathy Hilton still claims that Paris' jail term was "unfair".

While I think it's obvious that her parents are trying to make money off of her, I can't help but wonder how that girl was raised. Was she constantly told "you're special", "everything you do is okay", "we will stand by you, no matter what you do"? It seems a significant part of responsible parenting is to teach kids that there are limits to their behavior, that they are not "special", that we all have to meet certain standards of behavior to have harmony in our lives.

I don't understand the whole "unconditional love" thing. What's that all about? In your opinion, is there such a thing? What would you do if confronted with either one of these situations, opposite ends of the continuum, but under the same umbrella?


Peace,


~Chani

The Family Bed....

This is something I've been wanting to post about for a while but hadn't quite gotten the nerve to do it. After all, I'm not a parent so I have no particular bonafides in this arena but, still, as a community member, I have an opinion.

When Hillary Clinton wrote her book "It Takes A Village", the phrase became a cliche of sorts ~ a lot of lip service to the concept but no practical applications. As I recall, the book didn't come up with anything either.

When I was in Northern Thailand, especially in the villages, one of the things that became immediately apparent is that the children were all well cared for and very secure. They were lovely, well-mannered children who seemed legitimately happy.

The Lanna people, as an example, live in houses with one large room. Everyone lives there together, eats together, sleeps together and neighbors come in and out rather freely. It is not unusual for children to call three or four different women "mae" (mother) and it's quite sincere. They grow up in an environment where they receive the love of the community and are also taught the responsibilities of family and village community life. They have the trust of the elders and have more freedom than perhaps any children in the world. There is always someone around to give them guidance and advice. These factors form, over the growing period, a clear perception of the people and life around them and a solidarity with their fellow villagers that makes them virtually inseparable. There is often a sharing of work, of food, of families and of homes.

I know that is not possible here but there is an idea that has always attracted me. It was under discussion quite a bit several years ago. It is the idea of the Family Bed.

There are many reasons why I believe it is a good idea.

~* It seems to me that babies and children would feel much safer, more secure, at night if they are sleeping in the same room or same bed as their parents, brothers and sisters,

~* Bedtime is less of a struggle because the children are not crying and carrying on because they don't want to be put in a dark room by themselves,

~* It is a bonding thing... It would seem especially important for parents who aren't able to spend as much time with their children as they'd like due to work,

~* Sharing sleep is said to cause children to become more self-confident and independent, despite some arguments to the contrary,

~* Mothers and fathers sleep more easily because they don't have to be worried about their child in another room, and finally,

~* There is some evidence that SIDS deaths are fewer.

More important than any of these cited reasons above though, I think it makes a child feel loved, not forced to behave in a way that he or she may not be mature enough to handle (being alone all night) and helps the child to feel more bonded to the family and a sense of community.

Ideally, of course, the child would be surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles and extended family as well to create a community for them but that's not always possible. The Family Bed seems to be one compensation for that.

I'd be interested to hear what others think. :)


Peace,


~Chani

A wonderful discovery!

I got the most unbelievably wonderful reference this morning from my Internet pal, Sevenwinds.

I did not know this existed. Truly. I didn't.

But it is just unbelievably and so perfectly timely. I try to avoid yammering on and on about being lonely for Thailand, about wanting to be there. It has been intense lately. More intense than usual. Pain in the gut intense. I'm pretty good at sucking it up and dealing with reality ~ but there are times when it truly aches.

There is not a sizeable Thai community in Sacramento. There is a rather large one in Los Angeles but it would take a lot to get me to move back there. I might. It's not off the table but it's not an ideal solution, by any means. I left a lot of baggage in LaLaLand.

So, along comes this bit of information. (Thank God/Goddess/Buddha/Vishnu/Allah for bloggers!)

He wrote a post about Wat Mongkolratanaram, a Buddhist temple, in Berkeley, not all that far from me, where there is a lively, active Thai community. Each Sunday, they have a feast of Thai food and plenty of company. It is a Thaiphile's Disneyland! As we speak, I have a call in to them, waiting to get more information from a live human being.

Initially, my thought was that I would go in the spring. By then, my eye will be (presumably) healed after surgery and I'll be behind the wheel again. As it would happen, there is a car rental place *not 1/4 of a mile from my house*. No car hassles, no eye hassles, no problem. You know, that would be the Ideal Situation.

I'm thinking a few weeks from now would be better, if harder. I'll take a bus. I'll walk. I'll ride a bicycle. (If I have a heart attack, hey, I'll go happy :) I'll hitch a ride. (Yeahm, right!) Still, the point is that I need to get there sooner than spring.

My soul needs to be fed. My spirit needs the uplift ~ and why wait until Spring to do what I need to do sooner? This may be just the resource that will keep me sane until my final departure date. Even if I only go once a month, at least it is a place to be renewed, refreshed and restored.

I can't thank you enough, Sevenwinds. You have no idea how timely this is, how it has lifted my spirits, just knowing this is available.

It seems to be how the universe works, as long as we step out of our own muck enough to see it.

(Thanks for the responses to the previous two posts. They were really more informational than anything. Sometimes I just need to explain things to the people who read here. Still, I do appreciate the nice thoughts and the concern. )


Peace,

~Chani