Frlends Wlth Beneflts....

De asked a really important question in comments on my last post and it's had me thinking all day. She says: Can you address the value of the individual, though? I often feel hopeless, and question the worth of my own life. Is it as straightforward as one's value stemming from being part of the whole, the "divine?"

The answer is yes and no. And not entirely. That's part of it, sure. But the defining difference in my perception is between individuality and individualism.

Individuality is an aggregate of all our traits and characteristics, positive and negative. It is what makes us who we are. It is what we bring to the collective table. It is how we find a place in the social web. Without individuality, there would be no creativity.

When I was in Thailand a few months ago, and when I was there several years ago, one of the things I took note of is how we interacted together. My rather annoying trait of objectively observing social dynamics is rooted in my educational background. It's second nature. Here's what I noted:

We did nearly everything together. We cooked together. We kept the house together. We shopped together. We talked together. We laughed, we bickered and we shared. Perhaps the only thing we did in a totally private setting was make love or defecate. I'm sure you get my point. What I'm saying is that we created together. We didn't create the closeness because we shared our deepest emotional secrets. We created it because we depended on each other daily.

One of the things that became very clear was our individuality. We each had different traits that when combined allowed us to do that. We had to get along. We each had to do our part. We each had to come through and be responsible or the whole thing fell apart. It put boundaries on our behavior. We couldn't just blow something off because we didn't want to be bothered. We couldn't decide at the last minute that we'd rather do something else because we depended on each other. Interdependence.

A more recent example is in my interactions with the wat which I mentioned earlier. We have managed to work things out. One of the ways I knew it had really worked out and that it wasn't just making nice is that I got the following message: FYI - The temple committee is planning another celebration coming up in June. If you're free -- help is always needed. That let me know that I was accepted - as an individual. Mainly because in the process of helping, all the things I mentioned above will apply. I will bring my individuality to that setting and, with others, determine how we'll create together. They are allowing me that much entry into their community.

Our individuality is what allows us to share of ourselves. Without us, the entire dynamic of the group would change.

Individualism on the other hand is defined as A social philosophy which stresses the importance of the individual above society.

Individualism is what separates us. Individualism is what makes us question the value or importance of our own lives. Human beings are social animals and individualism tends to monetize or make all interactions utilitarian. We become consumers rather than participants. Rational self-interest becomes the highest motive in our interactions with others. It causes our relationships to be superficial and then we question our worth. You, De, and I were raised in that kind of social system. A mark of good mental health, according to the PTB in that field, is "knowing how to recognize opportunities and take advantage of them."

Gee, doesn't that just give you the warm fuzzies?

So.. at least in my opinion.. the value of our own lives as individuals has some dependence on what we bring to the table, what we are willing to create with others, simply because we are all on this planet together and we need each other. Not because of advantage and not because of self-interest. Combined individuality is what feeds our souls and makes us whole. That is what makes me honor you and hopefully you to honor me. That is what makes us unique. No other reason. Just that we need each other and give of ourselves freely.

This is Part One of the answer.... with more to come. :)

~*

When we know better, we do better...

I want to thank all of you who came through for me yesterday. I have pulled the post because the person I am talking about lurks around the Internet enough that I am concerned about her finding it. All she'd have to do is plug in "th@i1@ndch@ni" and she might find it.. and this blog.

The comments are archived for me to look at more closely. All of you made such good points and I want to be able to read them more than once, to really take them in, to think about them some more.

It's totally true that if we can't feel special with our friends, where are we supposed to feel it at all? And this isn't about ego.. or selfishness. It's about being human. I guess I do need a degree of closeness with my friends. It doesn't mean I need to be glued to them.. but I need to know I can count on them being there, being respectful and being kind.

The person in question reminded me too much of people I used to attract, those who were emotionally unavailable for friendship. I was often feeling "shorted" as I would want to think of pleasant things for us to share, to talk about deeper subjects, to really share ourselves with each other, to include her in my community. For many years, I drew people with that kind of unavailability but didn't have the option of turning them away because it was that or nothing. It was a crappy way to be - and not one I care to revisit.

I've accepted that she is not capable of a close friendship with me. Just this morning, I had to fight for a response to a question I'd asked and finally decided I would not be doing that again. She had a habit of frequently ignoring what I said and only came around when I would have to fight for it or make a stink. I don't want that. Really. There are too many good people surrounding me now. Even though many of you only know me on this site, that doesn't diminish the good feelings I have about all of you. Some of you have gotten to know me better privately and I value you so much also. There are a few good people who surround me here in "3D" as well. This is where I need to keep my focus and share my energy.

We teach others how to treat us.

Maya Angelou's voice is in my head. It's true. We do. We teach people what is okay and what is not.

I guess I needed a reminder of what it used to be like. It certainly does remind me to remain grateful.

When we know better, we do better.

Thank you so much for giving me your thoughts. I needed to hear everything that was said.

(palms together)

~*

Rent A Friend....

In another shining example of cultural decline, I heard a report this morning on CNN about Owen Wilson.

After a couple of unsuccessful stays in rehab, he has decided to hire a sober buddy for $750.00 a day. This person will go places with him, stay with him, encourage him.... you know, what we used to call "being a friend".

For alcoholics, that buddy system was called "AA".

It doesn't entirely surprise me that in a culture that prides itself on marketcentricity and pragmatism, hiring a friend would be the next step. That way, there would be no social embarrassment.

I can see the ads now. I can see the phone book with a kindly face plastered larger than life, extolling the many offerings of the rent-a-friend. Tea and sympathy for a reasonable price. A companion for the movies? That would cost a bit more, especially if dinner comes with the deal. Ads would be featured late at night on television, before the infomercials.

An escort service without the sex.

Those who can't afford to hire from a reputable service can always peruse Craigslist.

~*

Just a bunch of stuff....

Thanks for all the well-wishes yesterday. My cold feels much better and I'm hoping it will be gone by the end of the day. The weirdest thing about having a cold at my age is that sense of embarrassment that comes with sniffing, snorting and having a runny nose like a toddler. There's not a thing to be done about it. It is just has to run its course.

Snoskred asked last night if I feel naked without my full array of Thai wonder.

It was an interesting question. :)

Yes. In some ways, I do. It's become standard now. It's a part of my personal landscape.

It's a unique style. Very colorful and pretty, yet rugged and sturdy. Most of mine is Hmong-influenced. It has a lot of embroidery, ribbons, layers upon layers of color.

It makes me feel happy.

At the same time, I'm not a nut about it. I don't get all decked out in full ceremonial gear each day. It's just the influence, the general sense that might remind those who have traveled to that part of the world of the Hilltribe people.
Most of my jewelry is Hilltribe also. Silver. Gold. Bangles. Lockets. Pendants. Ankle bracelets. Sometimes earrings. I'm so highly allergic though that the earrings are not common. Let's just say I look definitely unusual without looking bizarre. There's an unspoken line that can't be crossed and I don't cross it.

So.. in short, 99.9% of my clothing is of this style. I beg and plead and promise everything but my queendom (such as it is) to friends in Thailand to buy it for me or I buy it from specialty shops. I've even been able to get some of it on eBay.

Some of it is from night markets and street markets, the same as those in the picture on the left.

It makes me feel closer to home. Call me a nutball.. but there it is... on the world wide web for all to know.

~*

D. left for Texas a while ago. V. and I helped her get all packed up and on her way. She will be seeing relatives she hasn't seen for years and, in that regard, this trip seems to be an important one. Given her age, she might not be able to take that many more.

V. has gone to work.

And as for me, blessed peace and quiet.



Peace,


~Chani

Both sides of the rainbow....

Yesterday was a great day! It really turned out well. As usual, it takes me a day or so to kind of process through my experiences and let them meld into an overall picture.

When I got there, I decided to call a friend who lives in Midtown. I rarely get to see her because my trips to Midtown are few and far between. I live in Arden/Arcade and that is usually where I can be found. Occasionally, I go to the Asian markets in South Sacramento but overall, I'm a creature of habit, doing my thing in my own part of the world. Since I don't drive, it's difficult for me to roam around the entire city.

Tina was home, as I'd imagined she would be. If there is a more confirmed agoraphobe in the world, I don't know her. Tina rarely goes out much of anywhere. I knew there was a chance she would turn me down but since she's been on my mind lately and when someone is on my mind that much, there's usually a reason, I called anyway. (My English teacher is flipping over in her grave at that sentence! Sorry, Mrs. S. :)

Amazingly, she said she would like to come. We made an agreement as to where and when we'd meet and I wandered over that way to make sure I was in the right place at the right time. There's nothing more annoying than having to find someone in a sea of people so I take my "I"ll be here" pretty seriously!

I saw Tina walking down the street and began to walk toward her. Her eyes were flitting from place to place and obviously she wasn't entirely comfortable with the crowd. There was quite a turnout and after awhile, everyone looks the same.... just asses and elbows. There were plenty of non-crowded places on the edge of the celebration where she would be comfortable though. I resigned myself to going there. This crowd was okay with me but I understand the aversion to crowds in general.

I walked a bit faster to catch up to her and she looked at me initially with a blank stare, like she didn't recognize me.

Once greeted, she recognized me but immediately commented that I didn't look like myself.

"I barely recognized you!" She wasn't smiling.

"Oh, well, I've lost a few pounds. Maybe that's it? I hope! I hope," I kind of laughed but felt vaguely uncomfortable.

She gave me a half-smile that wasn't very authentic and said, "Where's all your Thailand stuff?" It came out as a veiled accusation.

"Oh, um. Well, I just didn't do it today."

The truth is that sometimes I can't do it. I bloat up like a whale when my blood pressure is out of control. That happens on occasion and when it does, I get edema. The ankle bracelets, as an example, are off. They will cut off the circulation to my feet and it becomes very painful. Seriously. Painful. I can barely walk! This is a chronic health condition involving my heart and circulation. I don't screw around with it! I've already had a minor stroke and I'm not going for the Big One! The truth is that I am not aging gracefully by any means but have come to peace with it.

I called my doctor. He changed my BP meds and put me on a diuretic. So I gobble Procardia and Furosemide and wait it out. In a few weeks, I'll be fine. The ankle bracelets will go back on. I didn't feel like explaining the details of my medical history to someone who is basically a casual friend though. Thai clothes are often fitted in a way that can be uncomfortable when I am having this condition. I love the look as much as others seem to love it on me. On the other hand, I'm not going to have an identity crisis if I can't do it for a week or two. I put on khaki walking shorts, a loose fitting t-shirt, sensible shoes, limit myself to one instead of four pounds of jewelry and shut up.

The thing that really struck me with this though is that Tina seemed angry. It is as though I stepped out of her expectations and she was clearly disturbed by it. It is as though she thought I'd changed internally somehow.

It got me to thinking about how friends can sometimes become disconcerted when we change unexpectedly. Other people's changes really don't bother me much unless it is a change that I see might be making the person unhappy or may be a reflection of discontentment. I'm far more likely to notice someone's emotional state, far more than any external trapping.

In her own way, I think Tina was expressing concern for me. Her social skills are even more limited than my own, so I want to give her that benefit of the doubt.

Anything else would be too much to handle. I don't think I can be locked into someone else's expectations to such a degree that I am not free to adapt to my circumstances, whatever they might be at any given time. I'm not sure I can have a friendship with someone who wouldn't support me in that.


Peace,


~Chani

Too busy?

I wasn't quite sure what I would write about tonight and something triggered me.

One of my favorite bloggers had a post on his site, telling that a new format may be initiated because people are busy and the new format would allow them to scan a summary, get a thumbnail of the content and move on to the next.

I'm not picking on anyone here but I did leave him a slightly disagreeable comment because, honestly, the whole idea made me kind of sad. It felt like someone had sneezed on me, spraying their germs hither and yon. It was a micro view of a macro issue.

Communication is important in all its venues. It is how we sustain each other. It is what makes us human instead of a bunch of androids. It is how we form community. It is how we get to know each other, make friends, share wisdom, support each other and generally participate in the human experience.

Now I know that my blogger friend was not trying to be offensive. It is not even in his nature. If anything, he is trying very hard to be considerate of other people and provide a way to keep up with his adventures and not have to miss out because of a crowded schedule or other concerns. Yet there is a part of me that stamps my foot and says "I don't want the f***ing Cliff Notes!"

I do remember what that life was like. Truly. While I've been out of the over-scheduled, over-stressed life since June of 2005, I make a conscious effort to remain aware of how many others must live. After all, it did drive me literally insane. My sympathy is completely there for those who still live it.

Even back in those days, I knew there needed to be a refuge from it, some part of life that was unaffected by the need for efficiency or conservation of time, a part of life untouched by market values. We all need a soft place where we can escape the mentality that everything has a price attached to it, even our recreational blog-reading or -writing. We need to breathe. We need to reflect. We need to relate to each other. We need to be present and available.

Of late, "I'm too busy" has become an excuse to avoid common social obligations. It has become an excuse to cease being a human being. It's an excuse for rudeness, for indifference and for not doing what most of us often know is the right thing to do. It is a way to escape from the gnarly and occasionally demanding world of friendship and relationships. Real people are messy and complex. And this avoidance has become socially acceptable. Have your people call my people. Maybe we can do lunch.

Bullroar! Blecht!

It is my hope that we can all remain mindful of our real purpose here on this plane of existence .. and what makes our lives worth living when all the rest is stripped away. This statement of course does not apply to blogging. I am talking about every facet of our lives. Do we really give of ourselves or are we content to offer Cliff Notes? Are we really happy with getting Cliff Notes? Does it seem something is missing? When all is said and done, I don't think any of us will be on our deathbeds, regretting that we weren't more efficient.

What say you? This is a landmine for me ~ so feel free to give me a different perspective or agree with me ~ whichever seems appropriate. :)


Peace,


~Chani

American Culture on the Half Shell...

I had an interesting phone call last night. And, truly, I do not mean to blog every single phone call I get ~ and won't. Some of them are dull and boring. Most of them are dull and boring, not to mention short.

Still occasionally someone calls out of the blue. After a long absence, the conversation flows across all sorts of rivers and valleys, covering a variety of topics we may have been thinking about for months, trying to congeal into something worthwhile.

I'm becoming increasingly surprised at the depth to which Thai culture is shaping my way of thinking. It's so different that it is often at odds with people I once admired, people who seemed wise and beyond questioning. Things that used to be di rigeur now are glaringly out of place and odd.

The discussion last night involved "self esteem". This particular friend believes I have a bad case of Lack Of and wanted me to focus more on me, less on others, more on my value, less on contributing, more on being assertive, less on harmony. She believes I let people "get away" with too much. "You have to do what's right for you," she said, "if someone else doesn't like it, f**k 'em. You have to be tougher." This kind of talk now sounds to me like something from another planet. Yes, there are times when I let people get away with crap but in the final analysis, it is irrelevant crap ~ and forgotten a week from now. Living life on the defensive is not something I want to do.

First of all, let me begin by saying that I believe the whole "self esteem" movement is a crock of unmitigated crap. What the hell is "self-esteem"? Usually it translates to the belief in entitlement, that everything I do or feel is just fine. It doesn't help anyone aspire to anything beyond the mediocre and perhaps the most destructive thing about it is that it serves egoism and self-centeredness. (Like we need any more of that!) It makes any behavior acceptable because "that's where my heart led me."

Bullroar!

I've learned this lesson the hard way. For 25 years or so, I had just me. I got to do anything I wanted to do without any social repercussions. (In the desert, there's nothing to lose.. and some of my worst personality traits grew from that time. It's a consistent effort to overcome them.) It's easy to stop growing when there's no accountability.

Now I find myself wanting to be concerned about others, to give to them, to be inclusive rather than exclusive, to build community with likeminded others, to have meaning, to be considerate, to be kind, to show compassion, to be a better person than I was before. The five principles of mindfulness are now something I take very seriously. Every decision I make is balanced against those foundational principles.

Sometimes it seems my karma runs over my dharma ... but I do my best.

So, given this, what of my friend's comment? What of her worldview compared to mine?

The very thing she is promoting is what I put behind me when choosing a Thai way of life. It no longer resonates on any level. It no longer has any meaning. It no longer feels "right" in my soul. It's like hearing something I believed as a child, long since discarded and forgotten.

I don't know if it is possible to find much commonality with this friend any more. The time may have come when it will come to its logical conclusion. It's hard to imagine but these things do happen. Gives new meaning to the idea that people come into our lives "for a reason, a season or forever." Our season has passed.


Peace,


~Chani

Eccentric Outsiders ~ Whatta Life!

Thailand Gal's Secret Garden from another angle

Recently I made an offhanded comment about being an "eccentric outsider" and it generated a few interesting responses. Of course, an astrologer friend says it was inevitable that I would be an outsider. I am a double-Aquarius. :)

I thought it might be interesting to explore how this life is different from so many others. I've come to see it as an identity, a specific personality type, a life path, and we're often misunderstood. Sometimes even despised. Dr Laura would find me appalling! (I think that may be a good thing!) Some see us as a little bit nuts ~ or maybe just plain certifiable. Some may see it as hedonistic (which it is not) and childishly irresponsible. (Hm. Maybe .. a little.) Some can be very judgemental about what they see as a life that is not "productive". (Calvinism be damned!) I see it as an occasionally difficult way of life but for the most part, completely positive.

This quote I remember from Maya Angelou's I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings sums it up well:

'What you looking at me for? I didn't come to stay.' … Whether I could remember the rest of the poem or not was immaterial. The truth of the statement was like a wadded-up handkerchief, sopping wet in my fists, and the sooner they accepted it, the quicker I could let my hands open and the air would cool my palms."

Like most young kids growing up in the 50s and early 60s, my parents put a lot of effort into trying to make me "fit". They'd try to cram that round peg into a square hole and I'd behave for a while. I'd pretend a lot. I'd pretend the things that mattered to those who surrounded me, mattered to me, too. Eventually, pieces of me would begin falling out the sides and the Potemkin village would collapse. I suspect we outsiders see colors differently and our perspectives are just a bit sharper. There's an additional dimension. We ask "why" a lot.. and not getting a sensible answer, wander away without giving it any further consideration. We don't accept something as fact, simply because it's "always been done that way".

We are willing to look at alternative ways of doing things and are rarely threatened by anyone's unusual ideas. Example: my ex-husband, also an eccentric outsider, was completely open to each of us having our private space in the house and our own bedrooms. I wasn't threatened by his going to visit a female friend for the weekend. He wasn't threatened by my exploring some very personal issues in my own life that involved other people whom he did not know. We explored ideas without emotionalism or defensiveness and had a "whatever works" attitude. C. (my ex) had a simple ethical principle that ruled his life. "As it harm none, do as ye will." When we separated and divorced, it was because it was the logical progression of our relationship. We were done learning whatever there was to learn from each other and it was time to move on.

My friends and I come in and out of each other's lives with a great deal of fluidity. It's not that we are shallow or uncaring. We care a great deal but we just don't feel the need for consistency that some do. No one is offended if one of us will disappear for a while, off to explore some new unknown. When he or she is ready to return, they get a warm, accepting reception. I have female friends with whom I correspond or visit a few times a year. And that's okay. One of us will call a "check in" and the other responds. Just last night, I talked on the phone for a few hours with someone I haven't heard from in a year. It was as though we talked last week.

It is a rather whimsical way to live but I've found that it has increased the depth of my personal relationships. The freedom we give each other "lets the air cool our palms".

There is a downside, however, and I've experienced that in its fullness, too. It's hard to see richness in it during the lonely times when nothing fits and nothing makes sense. There are no guarantees with this way of life, no entitlements, no absolute social support system. Living on the outside is living a life with vast, open spaces with very few landmarks. The condition of my life is my responsibility alone. When I crashed and burned in 1994, there was no one around to help me pick up the pieces. I'd left friends scattered around the country and world. None of them could drop everything and run to Arizona.

It is a life of and about choices and consequences. It's about creating. It is about exploring without iron-clad attachments and having to trust our ability to create again.

I find this knowledge central in my decision to move to Thailand. I am getting older now and my ability to "create" isn't what it once was. It costs more emotionally and energetically to start over than it did ten years ago when I came to northern CA. I'm a bit more tired these days. I want to feel secure. Thailand will be my final move. It is where I will grow old and eventually die. I will, once again, create a new circle of friends, a family of choice. My life will end as its always been, as an "eccentric outsider". I will leave nothing behind but an occasional breeze ~ hopefully a refreshing breeze ~ for the people who have passed through my life. I have built no empires and leave behind no heirs. In the final analysis, I don't think I would have done it any differently. Well, I don't think I could have! In that regard, it is not a choice.


Peace,


Thailand Gal
~*~*~