Both sides of the rainbow....

Yesterday was a great day! It really turned out well. As usual, it takes me a day or so to kind of process through my experiences and let them meld into an overall picture.

When I got there, I decided to call a friend who lives in Midtown. I rarely get to see her because my trips to Midtown are few and far between. I live in Arden/Arcade and that is usually where I can be found. Occasionally, I go to the Asian markets in South Sacramento but overall, I'm a creature of habit, doing my thing in my own part of the world. Since I don't drive, it's difficult for me to roam around the entire city.

Tina was home, as I'd imagined she would be. If there is a more confirmed agoraphobe in the world, I don't know her. Tina rarely goes out much of anywhere. I knew there was a chance she would turn me down but since she's been on my mind lately and when someone is on my mind that much, there's usually a reason, I called anyway. (My English teacher is flipping over in her grave at that sentence! Sorry, Mrs. S. :)

Amazingly, she said she would like to come. We made an agreement as to where and when we'd meet and I wandered over that way to make sure I was in the right place at the right time. There's nothing more annoying than having to find someone in a sea of people so I take my "I"ll be here" pretty seriously!

I saw Tina walking down the street and began to walk toward her. Her eyes were flitting from place to place and obviously she wasn't entirely comfortable with the crowd. There was quite a turnout and after awhile, everyone looks the same.... just asses and elbows. There were plenty of non-crowded places on the edge of the celebration where she would be comfortable though. I resigned myself to going there. This crowd was okay with me but I understand the aversion to crowds in general.

I walked a bit faster to catch up to her and she looked at me initially with a blank stare, like she didn't recognize me.

Once greeted, she recognized me but immediately commented that I didn't look like myself.

"I barely recognized you!" She wasn't smiling.

"Oh, well, I've lost a few pounds. Maybe that's it? I hope! I hope," I kind of laughed but felt vaguely uncomfortable.

She gave me a half-smile that wasn't very authentic and said, "Where's all your Thailand stuff?" It came out as a veiled accusation.

"Oh, um. Well, I just didn't do it today."

The truth is that sometimes I can't do it. I bloat up like a whale when my blood pressure is out of control. That happens on occasion and when it does, I get edema. The ankle bracelets, as an example, are off. They will cut off the circulation to my feet and it becomes very painful. Seriously. Painful. I can barely walk! This is a chronic health condition involving my heart and circulation. I don't screw around with it! I've already had a minor stroke and I'm not going for the Big One! The truth is that I am not aging gracefully by any means but have come to peace with it.

I called my doctor. He changed my BP meds and put me on a diuretic. So I gobble Procardia and Furosemide and wait it out. In a few weeks, I'll be fine. The ankle bracelets will go back on. I didn't feel like explaining the details of my medical history to someone who is basically a casual friend though. Thai clothes are often fitted in a way that can be uncomfortable when I am having this condition. I love the look as much as others seem to love it on me. On the other hand, I'm not going to have an identity crisis if I can't do it for a week or two. I put on khaki walking shorts, a loose fitting t-shirt, sensible shoes, limit myself to one instead of four pounds of jewelry and shut up.

The thing that really struck me with this though is that Tina seemed angry. It is as though I stepped out of her expectations and she was clearly disturbed by it. It is as though she thought I'd changed internally somehow.

It got me to thinking about how friends can sometimes become disconcerted when we change unexpectedly. Other people's changes really don't bother me much unless it is a change that I see might be making the person unhappy or may be a reflection of discontentment. I'm far more likely to notice someone's emotional state, far more than any external trapping.

In her own way, I think Tina was expressing concern for me. Her social skills are even more limited than my own, so I want to give her that benefit of the doubt.

Anything else would be too much to handle. I don't think I can be locked into someone else's expectations to such a degree that I am not free to adapt to my circumstances, whatever they might be at any given time. I'm not sure I can have a friendship with someone who wouldn't support me in that.


Peace,


~Chani