When to speak up and when to back off....

Yesterday, shortly after I posted, something very disturbing happened in my environment. Please be aware before reading this that there is some disturbing dialogue.

As I sat here at the computer, I heard some crashing and banging noises in the apartment next to mine. It's a small studio and a man and woman live there together. The guy is an abuser. I've known that for a long time. I've heard his yelling and badgering before. In fact, I've had a few interactions with him myself over other issues. I yelled right back and he backed down.

Yesterday was more disturbing though because, as far as I'm concerned, I heard a rape in progress.

I was drawn to the hallway because of the crashing and banging. I heard his voice coming through the door.

"Why? I want you to tell me why!"

(muffled female sounds)

"You are a useless m---f-----! Everything you do is an embarrassment to me! And now you won't even do what you're good at? I want you to tell me why!"

"I love you. I'm sorry."

"I love you. I'm sorry," he repeated in a mocking tone. "That's no answer! I want an answer!"

"I don't know. I'm tired. I've been working...."

"Oh, yeah! At Walmart! You're really something special, aren't you? Is that all you plan to do with your life? If it wasn't for you dragging me down, I could be so much more! And you say you love me? Bullshit, you m----- f-------!"

(muffled female voice)

"Well, you'll give me what I want now or I'll go find someone who will! Today!"

There were some other things said. I moved out of the hallway because I really couldn't stand it anymore.

It made me cry. I couldn't fathom, in the deepest part of me, how any woman would allow herself to be treated that way.

I'm a peaceful person but will admit that I am not known for taking crap from anyone. If a man spoke to me that way, he'd be out so fast his head would fall off. He'd be walking like he just got off a horse for a very, very long time. I don't play around. I've never tolerated verbal or physical violence from anyone and never will.

So obviously I can't understand her. At all.

Yet I gave serious thought to my obligations to her - as her neighbor and as another woman.

My instinct was to call the police. My further instinct was to go to her place of work and let her know that I'm paying attention and that if she needs help, she can yell through the wall for me.

I'm fairly familiar with the dynamics of domestic violence but I'm no expert.

So I ask... what would you do in similar circumstances?

~*

Love in all the wrong places....

Just to clarify a few things and to make sure I don't come across as a total male-basher, I wanted to finish up on the past few days' thoughts.

I am not out in the world very much. My life is very simple, small and contained. Something tells me that if I was a more outgoing type, someone who went out regularly, my experiences would be very different than they have been.

I have met men (in the past) mostly through ads. I've answered a few and also in the long distance past, have written a few. eHarmony. Match.com. Local alternative newspapers. Very public ways of finding a mate.

That is how my ex-husband came along.

Chance meetings are not something that come along very often with the exception of a few in places I frequently can be found. The local deli, as an example.

Given my background and my present, I'm not entirely surprised that I have met more frogs than princes.

Thailand factors into this. How likely is it that I will meet someone here who is willing to uproot himself and move to a foreign country?

Add to that, that I am a very old-fashioned person, adhering to values that have long since passed to the ashheap of history and there you have it.

... the reason I am not partnered.

I just spent the weekend reading a book that had me enraptured. The time period of the book was the late 1800s through the early 40s. I loved the gentility, the courting, the accountability of both and the innocence of it all. This was not a romance novel which I never read. It was an historical novel.

I can't seem to step into this "new world" easily. I don't care for the marketing aspect of the whole process.

... another reason I am not partnered.

Still, I do know some very good men. I don't hate men. Truly. I don't. Most of the really good men I know are already married or partnered so I don't stand any chance there. I am not willing to interfere in a committed relationship. I'm not that greedy or immoral.

So... this is all very complex and although I rant here on occasion, I am not one of those women who believes all men are evil.

At the same time, I am not willing to compromise on values that I consider to be central to the person I am and how I exist in the world.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still believe I will find the right person. All things considered, including my age, I still believe it could happen. I believe he will likely have had very similar experiences as mine. I believe he will have the same old-fashioned values. I believe he is probably experiencing the same frustrations I experience. He will be just as surprised as me that there is someone out there who is compatible to his odd ways. It may be here. And it might be Thailand.

And that recognition will be all we need.


Peace,


~Chani

Sex as small talk.....

This morning, Cecileaux followed up on my post yesterday by putting out the thought that sex is a language. A form of communication.

I agree with that.

It is.

But, as I commented on his site, it has gone from deep, substantial conversation to casual small talk.

A big part of my reason for not dating is the absolute and relentless expectation that I will be somehow anxious to engage in this "small talk" with everyone I meet.

Here's an example ~ from yesterday.

I went over to a small convenience store to buy a bottle of Diet Coke. The person behind the register is someone I have known for a long time now. Casually.

He told me that he would "take [me] anytime" and all I have to do is "say the word". When I commented jokingly that he is married, he said, "it doesn't matter".

And he couldn't even begin to imagine why I was offended. I am just a customer in his store. He doesn't know me, my value system, my way of life or anything about me.

He can only see that I am a female. If I am a female, I am a potential resource for him. Evidently, that is all that's required.

No different than a peice of steak.

Each time I have gotten to know a man (with the exception of one... the "Target Man" I met some months back) has brought up the topic of sex within the first few hours of knowing me, sniffing around, trying to see if I was open to the possibility. When I was not, he would lose interest and disappear. That doesn't make me feel bad, to be honest about it. I'd rather not be bothered by those types. They bore me senseless.

Keep in mind that I am not a physically attractive woman. I'm older. I'm heavyset. I make no efforts to be attractive to the opposite sex. I don't wear revealing clothing. My hairstyle is wash and wear. I don't use make-up. Frankly, I'm plain. Ordinary. Yes, I am unusual looking with all of my Thai stuff ~ but I'd hardly call that "primping". It is simply a style preference.

Hardly someone who should be subjected to this kind of tawdry sniffing around by men. It reminds me of a bunch of dogs in heat.

The scary thing is that this kind of behavior has become acceptable. It is no longer considered impolite or crass to openly pursue one's physical desires without any boundary. No ritual attached to courting anymore. It's just go out to eat and find somewhere to have sex.

Sorry to say... this turns me off completely and has led me to conclude that finding a mate in this day and age, given the prevalent value system, is not going to be something I am willing to do.

It's sickening. It's crass. It's impolite. It's tacky. And the truth is that I have a variety of reasons for existing on this planet and the primary one is not to be a vessel for men's sexual desires.

It cheapens sex and puts it in the same category as small talk. Useless chatter that is used to fill empty spaces.



Peace,


~Chani

May as well try and catch the wind.....

During the night, Cecileaux left the following comment that got me thinking.

I am much more sentimental than you, but I'm coming to think (especially after a long weekend with a woman) that I am better off not partnered, as all attempts to relate are full of craziness (lots of it mine).

Needless to say, I would like to hear more from him on this subject.

I've been giving more thought to this topic since the first of the year than I probably should. In some ways, it feels like some inexplicable thing, something that certainly no one would truly understand (which explains why I've had such a hard time finding it) or perhaps even wants to understand.

The realization finally sunk in that I will probably never be partnered in the conventional sense.

I would like a companion but I don't want romance. I don't want the craziness, the drama, the clingy togetherness, the expectations based on need. I'm too old for the roller coaster ride. I want friendship, loving friendship. I want what Alice Walker calls "quiet companionability". I want to get up in the morning, have coffee with someone, have pleasant conversation. Intelligent conversation over a Diet Coke in the back yard. Being comfortable together in silence. Caring support of each other in daily life. I want to have someone else's back and have someone have mine.

However, I am incapable of being a slave to other people's needs, especially someone's sexual needs.

Last February, my final walk through the labyrinth of dating confirmed all of this for me.

There are no words to describe how utterly sick that experience made me, how it repulsed me. This isn't a statement of simple bitterness from a woman who had a bad experience. I realized there was a common element to all the "romantic" relationships I've had over the years.

I felt objectified and it's been impossible to get beyond that. It doesn't seem to evolve beyond the sense of being an object of prey ~ for either party in a romantic context. Each comes with his or her laundry list of expectations and wants. Cecilieaux wrote an excellent post on this topic a few months back.

One of the best things about my ex-husband is that his mind was completely open to any configuration of relationship that two people can devise. He often quoted a book called 'The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress'. After reading it, I could see the logic in it. I wanted separate bedrooms. I had separate bedrooms. I wanted to write. He supported that. He never picked at me, trying to turn me into his ideal image of what I should be.

That is not to say we didn't have our problems. We did. Out of respect for his privacy, I won't go into all of them here but they were irreconcilable finally. In short, he was a cold fish and I couldn't live with that. I often felt emotionally abandoned which is something I can't live with .. and that's why I divorced him. He would have hung around forever out of inertia.

What are the chances of finding someone who is willing to have a primary relationship that is based on friendship and sharing of resources without getting caught up in the muck and mire that surrounds "romance"?

What is it about romance that brings out these worse qualities in us?

I'll be curious to hear from others.


Peace,


~Chani

Thursday Thirteen - Men and Women

Probably stemming from the posts some of us wrote last week on male/female relationships, both Atavist and Bellezza have created a list of thirteen things they believe men want from women or women want from men. Although I've never attempted something like this before, I opened this template and will see what presents itself.

It's a difficult one because many of the things we say we want or need (big distinction) are probably the things we want or need from everyone, independent of gender. I will also say that I expect these things of myself.

1. Respect. The word speaks for itself. Respect yourself. Respect others. Respect me. Respect animals. Respect the world.

2. Individuality (mine): I am not your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend. While we may have some commonalities (like being the same gender), don't make me responsible for her actions. Take care of your emotional baggage before getting involved with me. Get to know me as a person and approach me with that in mind. Just because some magazine says that "all women" like or dislike certain things, don't assume it is true of me as well.

3. Kindness: It is very important that you are a kind-natured person, someone who cares about others and the world around you.

4. Individuality (yours): I want someone who is willing to think for himself, present ideas and viewpoints in a respectful, intelligent manner and be willing to discuss things without getting defensive or emotional about it. Have your own interests, your own opinions and your own way of doing things. Live consciously. If we're compatible, it will work out. If not, we'll move on. There's no sense in trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. While I believe we should share the big values, cultural and otherwise, there's plenty of room for individuality.

5. Be secure: I am not your mommy or your nanny. Do what it takes to be secure within yourself. Know yourself. Do your own internal work. I will help in any way I can but I won't do it for you.

6. Integrity: Be consistent in your stated values and your behavior.

7. Affection: While I value physical affection as much as the next person, don't try to manipulate, cajole or pressure me about it. Those things happen naturally within context. Regardless of your perceived needs, please understand that I am not on this planet to meet them at your demand. Don't appeal to my emotions. Don't whine. It doesn't work with me. Know the difference between what is appropriate to say and what is not appropriate to say. Just because you read something in Hustler magazine, that doesn't mean it is okay to say those things to a respectable woman. I detest vulgarity. If I barely know you, your sexual fantasies are of no interest to me. As I get to know you, there will be no doubt about it when I am ready.

8. Maturity: I am completely turned off by men who emphasize that they may be my age or greater but still feel "young at heart". That just tells me you haven't grown up. Don't engage in childish behavior like pouting, sulking or passive-aggression. I can't stand childish displays of emotion, especially anger. It just makes me feel like putting you in day care and moving to another planet while you're gone.

9. Harmony: Harmony is very important to me. If you need to discuss something you consider to be a problem area, do it specifically and with suggested solutions. Think about it first. I am a very traditional woman and will probably do as you ask but don't make me guess about it. I'll likely be wrong. I'm not a mind-reader and we'll both end up disappointed.

10. Be responsible: Be responsible for your emotions and your actions. Own them. Don't try to make it someone or something else's fault. Keep your agreements.

11. Be a good partner: Work with me. I'm a very cooperative person, not competitive. Be open and honest about what you believe needs to be done and allow me to work with you. I am more than willing to let you be the boss ~ but do it well. Don't be demeaning or demanding. You'll likely find that my cooperative nature changes and I'll be gone. Understand that we each bring our own unique things to the table. Be clear about what you bring. I'll be clear about what I bring.

12. Be honest: This is probably the most important one. I notice inconsistencies and each time it occurs, my ability to trust you decreases. If I can't trust you, we can't have a relationship.

... and finally ...

13. Just be yourself: Don't try to pretend you are someone other than who you are because you have some unstated objective or want me to react a certain way. Don't "play games". Don't manipulate. I have neither the energy nor the inclination to put up with it. I'm getting old. My tolerance for drama and upset has long since been exhausted in the process of life itself. I don't need it from you. It's not fun or interesting. It's draining and obnoxious. Trust me to accept you as the person you are, flaws and all, because I will. I have flaws, too. Let me choose to love you as the person you are, not a fictitious image you've created. Images fade but authenticity grows deeper.



Peace,


~Chani

I need a yenta!

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about marriage and what kind of marriage would work best for me.

Even though I do quite well alone and don't mind being alone all that much, when we get to a certain age, it's important to have a companion. That's just practical, if nothing else.

My recent attempt to "date" left more than a sour taste in my mouth. It really confirmed that it is something I don't want to do, can't do and see no reason to do.

Even though my previous marriage didn't work out for other reasons, we did do one thing right. We skipped the "dating". We were both looking for someone, we both wanted to be married and as soon as we realized we didn't dislike each other so much that leaving us in the same room would risk a visit from the Homicide Unit, we decided to get married.

There was no pressure on me to "put out". There was no pressure on him to perform his manly duty of giving me money and protect me. We were both a couple of nerds who liked science fiction and computers.

There was nothing but friendship. No fireworks. No "chemistry". Just friends.

And lately I've been thinking that's not an entirely bad thing. So, we didn't have sparks flying. You know what? Honestly? I don't even believe that happens. I believe there are many people who are in love with the idea of love but not the practicality of it. Some people want to have that feeling so they create it. It's sui generis. It wouldn't matter if it's you or me or a slab of venison. If someone wants to become infatuated, he will. She will. Blame all the Meg Ryan movies.

One of the things that occured with my last dating experience is the guy telling me that he adores me. He'd say "I adore you! I really adore you!" It didn't "melt my heart". It just scared the snot out of me.

He'd known me for three weeks. He didn't even know me well enough to know my favorite color, let alone my values, my customs, my way of life or my character. Adore me? Talk about crapping on a biscuit and trying to convince me it's a chocolate cake! He just wanted to be "in love". And he must have thought I have the IQ of an answering machine!

Yawn.

I don't believe we "adore" other human beings. Save that for God.

I don't believe in love at first sight, "chemistry" or any of those other romantic myths. I believe we find a decent person, someone who has a cool sense of humor, a sense of responsibility, a good heart and we choose to love that person.

When we choose to love, it means we choose to be honorable, trustworthy, kind, compassionate and helpful. It means we recognize the divine in another human being and we treat them with respect.

It's not all that complicated. At least not to this simple mind.

I want to marry a buddy. I want to be comfortable, secure, safe and know that the person I am with will care about me the way my friends care. I want to know that he will be able to accept that caring from me, the way I care for my friends. We will also accept each other the way friends do.

My friends have always been a more valued presence in my life than any "dating" relationship.

Dating customs in this culture are repulsive, demeaning and demoralizing. (I have some controversial beliefs on this which I will keep to myself.) It's a cattle call, people looking at each other with the goal-directed objective of finding another human being to fulfill all their fantasies.

Fantasies are fantasies for a reason.

The marketing aspect of it has completely alienated me. When I even think about trying it again, my stomach gets queasy. I'd rather visit the dentist than even think about trying it.

I need a yenta.

(Are there yentas in Thailand? Hm. I'll have to check on that.)

I want her to find a man for me, assure me that he's decent and kind, that he's responsible and reliable. If he cares more about character than body type, that would be great. Wow. What a concept, that!

Find him for me, Yenta. I'll make it work from there.


Peace,


~Chani

You Can't Always Get What You Want...

Eventually, I do want to write a post here about ... sex. It's just taking some time to put my thoughts together.

Anyway, this morning the old Mick Jagger song has been going through my mind, based on an experience I had last night. I'm still not quite sure what to make of it because alternately I keep laughing or scratching my head in wonderment. This experience is liking falling down the rabbit hole.



Here's the story:

Last night I went out for dinner with a guy I've been sort of dating.. still in the "maybe" stages.. but since it was his birthday, it seemed important to go and try to make it as nice for him as possible. I wrote him a little birthday card and we went off to the restaurant. I even toned down the Ultra-Thai look because I wanted him to be comfortable.

It was going pretty well. He was a gentleman and we had a nice (if too large) dinner. We talked about a variety of topics and shared views on many things.

The evening began to come to an end. We'd gone out to a local place to see if they had some live music. They did not ~ so it was time to come home.

He pulled up to my circular driveway and we sat in his truck, having a final cigarette.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, he says "I guess I'm not going to get laid for my birthday."

I have a poker face. Truly. I do not show my reactions externally until I am ready to do so. Inside though, I wanted to break out laughing. It took everything I had to keep a straight face. Reaction of any kind would only give him what he wanted. At that point, I had no interest in giving him the time of day.. let alone.. um.. that! That kind of crude presentation is something I haven't heard since high school. Next I expected him to say, "If you really loved me, you'd do what I want..."

He finished by saying that since I would not come and spend the night with him that he would wake up in the morning alone, spend the day alone and go to bed tonight, knowing he would just get up and go to work and do it all over again.

Life's tough sometimes. You know? Sometimes it's a royal bitch! Then you die.

I sat quietly and finally said, "I don't even know what to say to that.... "

As if a whining man is really going to be an aphrodisiac!

(These italicized statements are are the thoughts running through my head.)

He replied that if I'd already made up my mind, I could say goodnight and go inside.

That is exactly what I did after thanking him for the meal. I closed the door to the truck and came inside.

Does anyone else find it odd that a 55-year-old woman would be having such experiences? What would you have said or done in similar circumstances?

I'm still laughing. Really. I'm not in the least upset about it but would like to hear from others on the topic. It's simply hard for me to comprehend that any person over 50 could be so immature as to think such a thing, let alone say it out loud.


Peace,


~Chani

Kreng jai and relationships...

While the coffee brewed, I flipped on the TV to check out the morning news. The first face I saw was that of Dr. Laura, promoting her new book about marriage. Given some of the things I was thinking about yesterday, it was timely.

Let me make it clear that I have a love/hate relationship with Dr. Laura. I think she is often overly simplistic, rather mean-spirited and has a far more punitive approach to the world than I do. She can come across as harsh and shrill. When she began to attack gay people, I found it completely unacceptable and stopped listening to her. My very best friend in this world, the one person I trust completely and without reservation, happens to be a lesbian. I have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to gay bashing.

But.. like the proverbial broken clock that is right twice a day, even Dr Laura is right occasionally ~ about some things.

Her comments this morning on the Today Show sounded to me like a westernized, watered down version of kreng jai. I'm all for promoting kreng jai, even a watered-down version. It's a start.

Her suggestions for a good marriage include some very solid points. Unless there is violence or addiction, some other unbearable condition, we should stick with our marriages. We should learn to treat our husbands like men. Men should treat their wives like women. We should do what we can to make each other's lives better. We should not deny our partners sex because we "don't feel like it". We should give more freely, without constant focus on our own wants and needs.

Of course, these are just the Cliff Notes.

There is a wisdom in what she says, if you look between the lines. What does it mean to be a man and what does it mean to be a woman? I believe women want to feel loved. Men want to feel respected. This does not imply inequality. It implies difference. Those differences are something to embrace, not reject.

Just throwing this out on the table. I'd like to open a dialogue about this. What say you?


Peace,


~Chani

Eccentric Outsiders ~ Whatta Life!

Thailand Gal's Secret Garden from another angle

Recently I made an offhanded comment about being an "eccentric outsider" and it generated a few interesting responses. Of course, an astrologer friend says it was inevitable that I would be an outsider. I am a double-Aquarius. :)

I thought it might be interesting to explore how this life is different from so many others. I've come to see it as an identity, a specific personality type, a life path, and we're often misunderstood. Sometimes even despised. Dr Laura would find me appalling! (I think that may be a good thing!) Some see us as a little bit nuts ~ or maybe just plain certifiable. Some may see it as hedonistic (which it is not) and childishly irresponsible. (Hm. Maybe .. a little.) Some can be very judgemental about what they see as a life that is not "productive". (Calvinism be damned!) I see it as an occasionally difficult way of life but for the most part, completely positive.

This quote I remember from Maya Angelou's I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings sums it up well:

'What you looking at me for? I didn't come to stay.' … Whether I could remember the rest of the poem or not was immaterial. The truth of the statement was like a wadded-up handkerchief, sopping wet in my fists, and the sooner they accepted it, the quicker I could let my hands open and the air would cool my palms."

Like most young kids growing up in the 50s and early 60s, my parents put a lot of effort into trying to make me "fit". They'd try to cram that round peg into a square hole and I'd behave for a while. I'd pretend a lot. I'd pretend the things that mattered to those who surrounded me, mattered to me, too. Eventually, pieces of me would begin falling out the sides and the Potemkin village would collapse. I suspect we outsiders see colors differently and our perspectives are just a bit sharper. There's an additional dimension. We ask "why" a lot.. and not getting a sensible answer, wander away without giving it any further consideration. We don't accept something as fact, simply because it's "always been done that way".

We are willing to look at alternative ways of doing things and are rarely threatened by anyone's unusual ideas. Example: my ex-husband, also an eccentric outsider, was completely open to each of us having our private space in the house and our own bedrooms. I wasn't threatened by his going to visit a female friend for the weekend. He wasn't threatened by my exploring some very personal issues in my own life that involved other people whom he did not know. We explored ideas without emotionalism or defensiveness and had a "whatever works" attitude. C. (my ex) had a simple ethical principle that ruled his life. "As it harm none, do as ye will." When we separated and divorced, it was because it was the logical progression of our relationship. We were done learning whatever there was to learn from each other and it was time to move on.

My friends and I come in and out of each other's lives with a great deal of fluidity. It's not that we are shallow or uncaring. We care a great deal but we just don't feel the need for consistency that some do. No one is offended if one of us will disappear for a while, off to explore some new unknown. When he or she is ready to return, they get a warm, accepting reception. I have female friends with whom I correspond or visit a few times a year. And that's okay. One of us will call a "check in" and the other responds. Just last night, I talked on the phone for a few hours with someone I haven't heard from in a year. It was as though we talked last week.

It is a rather whimsical way to live but I've found that it has increased the depth of my personal relationships. The freedom we give each other "lets the air cool our palms".

There is a downside, however, and I've experienced that in its fullness, too. It's hard to see richness in it during the lonely times when nothing fits and nothing makes sense. There are no guarantees with this way of life, no entitlements, no absolute social support system. Living on the outside is living a life with vast, open spaces with very few landmarks. The condition of my life is my responsibility alone. When I crashed and burned in 1994, there was no one around to help me pick up the pieces. I'd left friends scattered around the country and world. None of them could drop everything and run to Arizona.

It is a life of and about choices and consequences. It's about creating. It is about exploring without iron-clad attachments and having to trust our ability to create again.

I find this knowledge central in my decision to move to Thailand. I am getting older now and my ability to "create" isn't what it once was. It costs more emotionally and energetically to start over than it did ten years ago when I came to northern CA. I'm a bit more tired these days. I want to feel secure. Thailand will be my final move. It is where I will grow old and eventually die. I will, once again, create a new circle of friends, a family of choice. My life will end as its always been, as an "eccentric outsider". I will leave nothing behind but an occasional breeze ~ hopefully a refreshing breeze ~ for the people who have passed through my life. I have built no empires and leave behind no heirs. In the final analysis, I don't think I would have done it any differently. Well, I don't think I could have! In that regard, it is not a choice.


Peace,


Thailand Gal
~*~*~