Other People's Choices...

Sometimes it's difficult to understand other people's choices.

I wrote here a while back about my neighbors who have a .. um... contentious relationship. Out of a sound sleep, I was awakened Wednesday night to crashing, banging and squealing coming from their apartment. Literally, I've never heard another human being squeal the way M can. She sounded like she was being gutted.

This was after a steady 2 hours of screeching and hollering in the afternoon.

Within ten minutes, I heard three loud bangs on their door. It was bad enough that a passing police officer was pounding on their door.

Without going into needless detail, she left in her car and S was taken to jail. It was around 1.00 a.m. We got back to sleep here around 3.00 a.m.

And yesterday they were both back in there like nothing happened at all. But they were quiet.

Wednesday was not a good day for me anyway. Again, I don't need to go into detail. I'll simply say it was horrible. For a variety of reasons. It was a dark place I thought I'd grown beyond.

Yesterday was a recovery day. I couldn't think clearly or concentrate on anything. Mostly, I took naps and stared mindlessly at the TV. Reading was impossible because my mind kept skipping beats.

In the afternoon, my housemate and her son were screaming and yelling at each other.

And I came to realize something.

I'm getting old.

And I'm sick and bloody tired of hearing other people's anger. I don't want to hear their yelling or their emotional outbursts. When all else is stripped away, they're usually ticked off because they can't control someone else.

Newsflash: We don't get to control other people!

I'm feeling the pull of somewhere else, another setting. It's not even necessarily Thailand but definitely someplace rural, someplace quiet, someplace where the dark underside of humanity will be hidden for a while. Someplace with a flowing stream. And trees. I want to spend some time where people at least have a basic level of contentment. Because the truth is that as long as we have food, water, a place to stay and someone who cares whether we live or die, we don't have much right to be so chronically dissatisfied.

I want to be someplace where there is some distance from the constant craving, grasping, competition and unhappiness because of ego. I want some peace.

I'm still not well today... but better.

Thanks for reading. I don't even know why I'm posting this crap. I'm sure it's of no interest, as Phil Ochs wrote, "outside of a small circle of friends".

Tell me something positive. Tell me something you're happy about. Tell me why your life is good.

~*

When to speak up and when to back off....

Yesterday, shortly after I posted, something very disturbing happened in my environment. Please be aware before reading this that there is some disturbing dialogue.

As I sat here at the computer, I heard some crashing and banging noises in the apartment next to mine. It's a small studio and a man and woman live there together. The guy is an abuser. I've known that for a long time. I've heard his yelling and badgering before. In fact, I've had a few interactions with him myself over other issues. I yelled right back and he backed down.

Yesterday was more disturbing though because, as far as I'm concerned, I heard a rape in progress.

I was drawn to the hallway because of the crashing and banging. I heard his voice coming through the door.

"Why? I want you to tell me why!"

(muffled female sounds)

"You are a useless m---f-----! Everything you do is an embarrassment to me! And now you won't even do what you're good at? I want you to tell me why!"

"I love you. I'm sorry."

"I love you. I'm sorry," he repeated in a mocking tone. "That's no answer! I want an answer!"

"I don't know. I'm tired. I've been working...."

"Oh, yeah! At Walmart! You're really something special, aren't you? Is that all you plan to do with your life? If it wasn't for you dragging me down, I could be so much more! And you say you love me? Bullshit, you m----- f-------!"

(muffled female voice)

"Well, you'll give me what I want now or I'll go find someone who will! Today!"

There were some other things said. I moved out of the hallway because I really couldn't stand it anymore.

It made me cry. I couldn't fathom, in the deepest part of me, how any woman would allow herself to be treated that way.

I'm a peaceful person but will admit that I am not known for taking crap from anyone. If a man spoke to me that way, he'd be out so fast his head would fall off. He'd be walking like he just got off a horse for a very, very long time. I don't play around. I've never tolerated verbal or physical violence from anyone and never will.

So obviously I can't understand her. At all.

Yet I gave serious thought to my obligations to her - as her neighbor and as another woman.

My instinct was to call the police. My further instinct was to go to her place of work and let her know that I'm paying attention and that if she needs help, she can yell through the wall for me.

I'm fairly familiar with the dynamics of domestic violence but I'm no expert.

So I ask... what would you do in similar circumstances?

~*