Wellness Wednesday: Sometimes we just have to admit it....

Sometimes we just have to admit when things are not optimum.

And when we do ~ and something amazing happens.

For the past few days, I've been feeling pretty badly, missing my old wat connection. In a moment of weakness, I sent an email to one of the members, trying to find out if some of the problems could be resolved.

My email was ignored.

That was the final step, the final blow I needed to know that, yes, I really had to put it behind me. It's not going to work out and I am not going back there. I made two friends out of the experience and that's as good as it gets.. which is pretty damn good, all things considered.

For quite a while, I've had a slip of paper around here with the name of another wat, one that was continually badmouthed at the old one, so I never called them.

It's a Thai wat, actually. I was told how bad the people are there, how they're just a bunch of "old Thai women who have married American men and all they ever talk about is money and what their husbands bought for them."

Anyone who knows me would know how unappealing that would be. I just never followed up on it.

The truth is that sometimes people don't tell the truth. At that time, WLP (the old wat) wanted me to stick with them because I was useful. In retrospect, I can see now that they left out the part Lenin was willing to say outloud.... "useful idiot". They figured by badmouthing the other one that I wouldn't leave and I'd continue to serve them.

I'm naive about that kind of thing and tend to take everyone at their word until they prove untrustworthy. I'm may not always be the sharpest tool in the shed but I wouldn't want to live a life being suspicious of everyone's motives. Well, they've proven I can't take their word for anything and it's time to give up.

So I called the new one... which I'll call WSB.

A young man answered the phone in broken English. I mustered some of my broken Thai and we managed to have a conversation. It's hard to admit this - but during our conversation, I was crying. He didn't recognize that. I cover up well. Just to hear his voice, to have that conversation, to be welcomed, to feel that "connection" that automatically occurs between me and anything or anyone Thai, caused me to recognize the separateness I've been feeling over the past three months since I broke with the other place ~ but denied. I refused to deal with it head-on because I am notoriously poor at dealing with emptiness. Even if it was bad, it was better than nothing.

So.. what the heck does this have to do with Wellness Wednesday? In thinking about it, I see that if we are unable to admit when something is broken, we have no opportunity to fix it. Additionally, I wonder if holding back, lying even to ourselves, somehow closes off things that might come to us. I was so highly invested in *not* admitting that I was missing that day-to-day connection, that sense of belonging, that I closed myself off to drawing it again.

Just a thought - not even fully processed - but it seems right. At least for now.

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Tuesday afternoon....

Last Tuesday, I got an unexpected call from someone I know from the wat. She told me she wanted to get together to discuss something we are working on and that we would do it over at someone else's house.

Because I'm very literal, I figured that's exactly what would occur. We would talk about the issues and then everyone would go their own way.

I should have known differently! We ended up spending the whole evening together. We cooked, ate, looked at fabrics, talked about different things, listened to mor lum music together and generally relaxed.

It was a wonderful way to spend the evening.

Here's the funny part though. At one point, the woman who brought me (I'll call her Mary) and the host's husband (I'll call him John) began a rather animated discussion in Lao. It doesn't bother me when they do that. I just sit there and wait until they're done.

Mary turned to me and said, "How old are you again?" I told her.

They returned to their animated conversation.

She translated it for me later. It went something like this:

John: She doesn't have a husband?

Mary: No. She's single.

John: Oh, that's not right! We have to find a good man for her! A woman shouldn't be alone!

Mary: Chani doesn't date. She hasn't had very good experiences with men in this country. They all just want to go to bed with her.

John: Oh, I do not know men like that! I know good men! We'll find someone for her! A good man! I don't want her to be lonely!

Now ordinarily, I would be irritated by a conversation like that. It feels kind of... intrusive. Yet John said all of this with absolutely no guile, no ill-intent, with complete innocence, and it was obvious he only had my best interests at heart. He was looking out for me, like an older brother.

Somehow it seems rather touching and sweet that he would want to find someone for me in his community, someone to keep me from being lonely.

It also felt very inclusive.

I felt embraced.

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Sometimes we all need a refuge....

Some of you might recall when I wrote a post a few weeks ago about the wat and the wonderful day I had at the New Years Celebration.

I don't think I could have been more complimentary. And I don't think people could have been any kinder.

Now two weeks past the event, I realize they are not going to be my port in a storm.

This past few days have been rough on me for reasons I don't need to chronicle here. It has to do with moving and trying to communicate with others, not getting promised return phone calls, not being able to make any headway on any level to a point where I reached critical mass last night. My blood pressure was so high, I was afraid of stroking out.

It shouldn't be so f***ing hard to simply communicate with people! I'm a simple girl. If you say you're going to do something, do it. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. That's what makes my little world spin around.

I wanted to make contact with the wat. I wanted to know when or if they were having any classes or activities because, dammit, I want my refuge.

It is not going to be them.

I sent emails shortly after the celebration which went without response. This morning, in an overly frustrated state, I sent a rather biting email, asking why it is that I can't communicate with them, why I can't get a simple answer to a simple question. I told them that if they don't want newcomers around, perhaps they should password-protect their website so we won't bother them. I went on to tell them that I would be more than willing to help them drive newcomers away. I'd be willing to blog it.

Before I turn you off completely with what might seem rather vengeful and mean, let me qualify it by saying that I think righteous anger is just that. Righteous. And when we are really angry about something, we have a right to say it. In an ideal world, we'd never get angry but this isn't an ideal world. Granted, I could have said it better - but at that point I believed if I didn't state it strongly, I would just be ignored again.

That's my history with them.

Late this afternoon, I got a response back to my older email telling me that classes have been cancelled due to lack of facilities. The man, woman or Unix script that answered my email went on to say, "Let me check if the head monk is willing to set something up in the near future."

Now would that have been so hard to tell me two weeks ago?

One of the things that so few people understand (or care about perhaps) is that this whole world is full of vulnerable people. When someone reaches out to a spiritual community, s/he shouldn't have to fight and threaten in order to be acknowledged. I was harsh and unkind - and if I hadn't been, I'd still be waiting for their response. I had to be discourteous to fight for courtesy.

How absurd is that?

Spiritual communities should be our refuge. Whether it's a church, a temple, a wat or a Wiccan circle, it should be the one place we are assured acceptance and love. That's where we feel safe and cared for. That is where we should be able to go for guidance and comfort.

I was fully prepared to get involved with them, to volunteer my time and occasionally contribute financially, even though I am on a fixed income. It mattered. They mattered.

I go into things with an open heart. I always default to accepting others.

And often end up disappointed.

That's my ultimate downfall. I can't seem to muster up the cynical suspicion that overlies most social interactions in this culture which are based on self-interest and advantage. Like Janet Jackson sang, "what have you done for me lately"?

Chances are I haven't done much of anything that will further anyone's material advantage or career opportunities. If that's what someone wants, I'm not your girl.

I'm still angry. Angry and hurt.

With time that will go away. There's got to be a central lesson here though. A message. Otherwise it all becomes so useless.

For me, I guess the central message is simple. Be kind. Keep your word. Don't be a disappointment to others.

Please.

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Sabaidee..... Lao New Year

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Saturday, I spent the day at the Lao New Year's celebration at Wat Lao Phosiesattanak in Sacramento. It was one of the most amazing days I have ever had in this state!

The food was delicious. The setting was beautiful. The people were wonderful! I was floating on a cloud all day long as I smelled the smells that reminded me so much of the food stalls in Khon Kaen. (And of course I ate too much! :) We feasted on chicken on a stick, gizzards on a stick, cabbage and beef balls, sticky rice, papaya salad, Thai iced tea and so many other things I can't remember. (And I complain about being fat. Oh well. :)

We watched beautiful traditional dancing and heard music that melted my soul. Those plaintive voices went right into my heart and stayed there, even though I don't understand a word of Lao. There are some very good singers among the membership and I wish there had been a CD to take home. I'd still be listening to it now!

People danced traditional dances on a floor that is located immediately before the singers. It was truly, truly wonderful! Out of respect, I didn't go up there to dance but, believe me, it was a temptation.

Women in beautiful traditional clothing (unfortunately, the pictures didn't turn out) danced and it was heavenly to watch. My friend Eric came all the way from Pleasanton to meet me there (he's going to heaven for that! :) and we both stood watching for at least an hour. I was almost brought to tears a few times by the beauty. I don't have the words to describe it. It's one of those "you had to be there" moments.

I think what struck me most was the kindness and the acceptance of the people I met. They were all kind beyond description, warm and open. Sometimes it's hard to tell when going into an ethnic environment how the people will respond, whether they might feel intruded upon by a farang. A lot of times, not because anyone is being mean or unkind, an unknown person who obviously doesn't belong somewhere can make others uncomfortable. They don't know my history or my attachment to Southeast Asia. They don't know my spiritual practice. They didn't know that my identification goes a bit beyond being "just a Thaiphile". They are my home.. and my heart. Still, on the surface I was just some white person wandering through their celebration. It is their celebration. They made it mine as well. Not once did I feel out of place or awkward.

Sidebar: (Yes, that is me in the picture and truly, I am not that big! I'm a big girl, yes.. but, geez, the camera added at least 15 pounds! Allow me this moment of vanity. Eric took the picture and I'm sure he would acknowledge that he is only the photographer, not a miracle worker. :)

There were a few incidents that confirmed the level of acceptance for me. This is a bit esoteric but stick with me a moment. One woman I'd never met in my life came up to me and said "Were you chanting?" This is not a common or typical question. The truth is that I do not chant, have never chanted and don't feel any draw to it. I am more attracted to the Forest Tradition. Yet she asked me - and that is the sort of question one would ask a friend, a sister or a daughter. She was really telling me that I should chant.

That is the sort of interaction that only takes place in an environment where one is accepted.

I also had an interesting discussion with a woman who gave me some important insights into the current situation in Laos. She educated me well and I am hoping I will be able to talk her into writing a guest post for this blog. Don't be surprised if you see her here. She is a lovely person and passionate about her homeland - with just cause.

There was only one particular moment of embarrassment when another white woman showed up in short-shorts and a tank top - at a Buddhist temple. Suffice it to say that is not appropriate attire at a temple - and she was walking around with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I was grateful that she didn't walk up to the Seng See or the praying area like that.

I was embarrassed for her and myself which would require a longer explanation that I can offer at this moment. Those who know what I mean will know what I mean. If anyone else wants a more complete explanation, leave a comment and I will write you privately.

Overall though, it was a fabulously renewing experience that I absolutely treasure. If they'll have me again, I can't wait for the next celebration. It's my refuge while I am still here. Thank you to everyone at the wat who may read this. Thank you.

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