Wellness Wednesday: Choosing Life

"Choose life" is the first thing that came to me this morning when I woke up.

But what does that really mean? It doesn't mean embracing life as it is without challenge and it doesn't mean stretching ourselves so far that we snap.

This is a balance I've been learning about lately as I confront social phobia and try to find the right configuration of social activity that works for me specifically. "The world" tells us that we should always be social, always be available, always enjoy being around people. For introverts, that's pure torture. We need to balance that in a special way and it's quite a learning curve!

Some socializing is important. It's important to have a support network in this life. None of us can do it entirely alone, as much as we might like the idea of it. For me, part of "choosing life" is the willingness to create that network, even though it's not entirely comfortable.

I am also involved in something that I hope to blog about here eventually. Right now I can't. I can say that it involves possible elder abuse and it is, frankly, putting me in a degree of danger. "Choosing life" also means doing hard things, even when they're scary, simply because they have to be done. This situation, make no mistake, is scaring me to death but I have to follow through on it.

Choosing life is also about making changes we know we need to make and having the courage to do it. My life is very much about "being brave" these days. I can't believe how many times I have chanted that short mantra over the past four or five months. Be brave. Be brave. Be brave. It's not about achievement. It's about the effort. Being brave doesn't have to be heroic. It can be as small or as large as we can do at the time. While it's scary and challenging, it's all good because it's choosing the fullness of life.

Speaking of scary and challenging, Angela at Eclectic Recovery is taking a big step in her life. She is choosing life. Can you take a few minutes and go over to wish her luck?



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Wellness Wednesday

Just recently I had to make some changes to help get rid of some more blubber.

It's the hardest one yet! Usually, I drink two Diet Cokes each day. One in the morning and one in the afternoon. Since I have some issues with chronic fatigue, the caffeine helps. (My body won't tolerate caffeine in coffee.)

Losing the sodium has been very good for my weight loss program. Along with that, I'm doing a set of exercises each morning.

But this isn't a weight loss report (but can I slip in that I'm ready for another change in size? Thank goodness for Thai wrap skirts!) . Reading about someone else's weight loss is about as interesting as watching paint dry. I know that.

This is about aging and the changes we experience. The energy just isn't there anymore. Since I have stopped the soda, I am SO TIRED that I could probably sleep all day, only getting up to eat, take a shower and go potty. Sitting like a blob watching Court TV all day is not how I imagined spending my golden years.

This is grim! I miss my soda infusion. Wellness. Meh!

Getting old ain't for sissies!



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Wellness Wednesday: Nothing is lost that can't be replaced....

Throughout this whole car debacle, I've come to understand how much easier life can be when we don't get caught up in the drama.

During this process, I've been watching other people. The representatives of the insurance company, the neighbors, the person who caught the license plate number of the hit-and-run driver, the body shop that has been storing it.... the cast of characters goes on and on.

And I'm the only one who is detached. I am the only one who doesn't have a strong feeling of urgency.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very grateful for the people who have been helping me. I'm not indifferent to them. The insurance company (Nationwide, in case anyone is curious) has been helpful beyond the call of duty. That's a crapshoot though. It all depends on the claims representative and I got a good one.

The point of this is that I can't see getting upset about any of it. Granted, it's an inconvenience. It's more administration than I am accustomed to dealing with. Phone calls, DMV trips and trips to the body shop to release the vehicle to the insurance company. In the end though, it was just a car and both the person who hit it and I are okay. Nothing was lost that can't be replaced. In the end, that's all that matters.

It's been a long time that I've tried to reach this level, to be able to remain this calm during something that pulls me in contact with the systems, with phone calls, with negotiating, with all the things I most dislike doing ~ and still come out of it okay. No physical symptoms at all.

Now if I can just maintain it! Not only in this situation but in all similar situations!


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Wellness Wednesday: Accepting Reality....

It was interesting to read the comments on what we would all do if we didn't have any limitations.

Of course, limitations are a part of life, too. The culture most of us were raised in proports that we should all have anything we want, whenever we want it. There are no limitations. There are only opportunities. "Challenges are just opportunities with the wrapping still on."

Huh?

Horse puckey!

I think part of growing up is accepting that we all have limitations of one type or another. I have health limitations, financial limitations, age limitations and social limitations.

One of the best ways to be well in my opinion is to create a life worth living within those limitations, rather than denying them. To accept them gives us a realistic operational framework as a baseline.

I think it's much healthier to do that instead of hanging on to magical thinking, the belief that if we just want it hard enough or believe it strongly enough that we can have everything we ever dreamed of.

Dreams and fantasies are largely a child's pursuit, a way of developing creativity and establishing possibilities. As long as they are realistic, it can help a kid come up with self-knowledge and the ability to discover his or her own passions and natural inclinations. In adults, unrealistic fantasies are very unattractive.

Read the personals ads in any newspaper to show the disconnect between reality and fantasy.

What do you think?

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Wellness Wednesday: Sometimes we just have to admit it....

Sometimes we just have to admit when things are not optimum.

And when we do ~ and something amazing happens.

For the past few days, I've been feeling pretty badly, missing my old wat connection. In a moment of weakness, I sent an email to one of the members, trying to find out if some of the problems could be resolved.

My email was ignored.

That was the final step, the final blow I needed to know that, yes, I really had to put it behind me. It's not going to work out and I am not going back there. I made two friends out of the experience and that's as good as it gets.. which is pretty damn good, all things considered.

For quite a while, I've had a slip of paper around here with the name of another wat, one that was continually badmouthed at the old one, so I never called them.

It's a Thai wat, actually. I was told how bad the people are there, how they're just a bunch of "old Thai women who have married American men and all they ever talk about is money and what their husbands bought for them."

Anyone who knows me would know how unappealing that would be. I just never followed up on it.

The truth is that sometimes people don't tell the truth. At that time, WLP (the old wat) wanted me to stick with them because I was useful. In retrospect, I can see now that they left out the part Lenin was willing to say outloud.... "useful idiot". They figured by badmouthing the other one that I wouldn't leave and I'd continue to serve them.

I'm naive about that kind of thing and tend to take everyone at their word until they prove untrustworthy. I'm may not always be the sharpest tool in the shed but I wouldn't want to live a life being suspicious of everyone's motives. Well, they've proven I can't take their word for anything and it's time to give up.

So I called the new one... which I'll call WSB.

A young man answered the phone in broken English. I mustered some of my broken Thai and we managed to have a conversation. It's hard to admit this - but during our conversation, I was crying. He didn't recognize that. I cover up well. Just to hear his voice, to have that conversation, to be welcomed, to feel that "connection" that automatically occurs between me and anything or anyone Thai, caused me to recognize the separateness I've been feeling over the past three months since I broke with the other place ~ but denied. I refused to deal with it head-on because I am notoriously poor at dealing with emptiness. Even if it was bad, it was better than nothing.

So.. what the heck does this have to do with Wellness Wednesday? In thinking about it, I see that if we are unable to admit when something is broken, we have no opportunity to fix it. Additionally, I wonder if holding back, lying even to ourselves, somehow closes off things that might come to us. I was so highly invested in *not* admitting that I was missing that day-to-day connection, that sense of belonging, that I closed myself off to drawing it again.

Just a thought - not even fully processed - but it seems right. At least for now.

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Wellness Wednesday: Nature Walking in Urbania

In short, I don't believe we have to buy products to be physically fit. I believe lots of marketing critters would like us to believe it though. This does a real disservice to low-income people who might actually believe they can't have good physical health because they can't "afford" it.

Sorry. Ain't buying it ~ figuratively or literally.

As long as we have arms and legs, we can exercise free. There's no need for gyms, gimmicks or "special programs". You don't need special clothes. You don't need Jenny Craig or Nutri-System. You don't need Curves. It is, as someone said, "a big bowl of wrong"! Physical fitness is relatively simple. Move. That's all there is to it. Eat less. Move around.

I believe this strongly which is why my purchase this morning surprised even me.

While walking, it's nice to have something to listen to besides other people's car radios (especially those jerks who honestly believe we want to hear their bass a mile away), trucks, sirens and other urban sounds. So... I bought a portable MP3 player. I looked at a variety of them. I even looked at iPods but there's no way I am willing to spend that kind of money for something so frivolous. As long as there are other people who need food and water, I can't justify that kind of expense for something so completely unnecessary. Even spending $80.00 on a player is a stretch but at least I can justify it a little bit.

The MP3 player isn't for music. Truth told, music isn't all that interesting ~ but I discovered that the soul series on Oprah's website which features many inspirational speakers and even the TED talks can be downloaded in MP3 format. Listening to inspirational speaking is something I've always liked. That's probably why I am a talk radio fan as well. There are just some fascinating people on this planet and I want to hear what they have to say.

Coast to Coast radio also offers MP3 downloads of the nightly show. Since I often fall asleep in the middle of it, it will be a pleasure to listen to it during the day.

I'm also going to download nature sounds on it. There are no birds chirping or crickets here in the 'hood. This area is mostly concrete and strip malls. Sometimes I would like to hear birds, small animals, wind, rain or even the ocean.

I know this device is certainly not necessary for health and well-being. It's strictly a luxury - but sometimes that needs to be okay, too. If it keeps my feet moving, I'll give it a try.

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Just for today, I can also be found here, as if you don't get enough of me already!

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Evolution.....

Well, no more memes for me!

Yesterday I discovered something interesting. I spent most of the day on my sobriety support list, talking with people, encouraging them in newly found sobriety, talking about things that matter to all of us.

As usual, I'm the dissident of the group because my views and outlooks are very different than the standard - yet we are growing into an understanding and acceptance of each other. We have a weekly conference call and are starting a mid-week call today. It's helping me to balance out my thinking - to be more accepting and I hope it's doing the same for the people I talk with. It seems to be.

What I've discovered is that I am really pretty good in one-to-one conversations. I talked with three new people on the phone. It was rather delightful and we discovered commonalities among our differences. We talked about all sorts of topics, not just addiction. We talked about books and jobs and cultures and ex-husbands and a whole range of things from the mundane to the esoteric.

In the end, we're all just people. No matter what culture we align to, no matter what language we speak, secular or spiritual, we're very much the same. We have quirks and characteristics. We all have our triggers and mine was tripped yesterday, both in the group and on this site. In the group, we work through those things together in an encouraging and positive way. We all want to be valued and loved. We all want to share things in common.

I think I'm better at that in a one-on-one fashion than I am here. Yesterday I got my first real glimpse of that and it's something I'm still working through.

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Wellness Wednesday: A Little Beauty Break...

I don't have anything burning right now so I thought I'd offer a little beauty break instead. Hope everyone enjoys the pictures. :)

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Wellness Wednesday: Nothing in particular...

I don't have anything in particular for Wellness Wednesday today. Frankly, I'm becoming disgusted and tired of the heat. For the next three days, we will be over 100 degrees and that basically means I am trapped inside. Usually I like to go for long walks in the morning and spend time in the garden. This summer has been the hardest on me yet as I have no heat tolerance since I had shingles.

So I am here with my Joseph Campbell DVDs, prepared to spend hours in front of the TV. I might even order pizza. Diet be damned. The DVD I am watching now is all about western mythology and it's quite interesting. He is discussing the parallels between ancient western mythology and the origins of Judeo-Christian thought. I also have two or three more DVDs, covering a range of topics from heroes to the power of myth.

Later, I will watch the DNC again, hoping for an inspiring speech.

So... over and out for the day. Hope everyone has a good couple of days.

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Wellness Wednesday: Radical Compassion.....

A few days ago, I wrote about knowing when to take refuge which has a specific meaning. It's not just isolating from something. It is about understanding that sometimes we need to be surrounded by certain things, certain people and certain ideas. In the Buddhist sense, it's called "taking refuge" in the (teachings of) the Buddha, the dhamma and the sangha. The dhamma being The Path and the sangha being community.

As usual, I interpret things fairly loosely. Sangha can be any community, as long as it feeds us. The dhamma can be any path, as long as it teaches us something and improves our lives. The Buddha obviously is the Buddha and can't be configured into something else for convenience.

Those other things though - well, it's open.

There are times when I do read Christian books. "The Shack" immediately comes to mind. Recently, I read "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. He makes some points that I've been needing to hear. Ideas are ideas - and it rarely makes much difference what the packaging looks like. Either the idea has merit - or it doesn't.

When I wrote last week about the blog post that made me weep and the thinking that had become such an assault on my spirit, I knew it needed to be resolved. It is impossible to be the person I want to be, caught up in anger and frustration. And judgement. Yapping about it wildly wasn't going to solve the problem. As an academic type who believes talking things out always comes to resolution, I've had to accept that it is wrong in this case. What I needed to do is sit quietly and see what the Universe/God/Pick A Name of Your Choice To Describe Divinity would reveal.

Sometimes words can get in the way. They obfuscate the main issue, a character issue, by turning it into an intellectual challenge instead of an opportunity for growth in the silence.

I stayed with it. Silently. For a while. I sat still and opened my mind and my heart to where that lesson should take me. I spent considerable time in prayer about it.

The most important thing that came to mind is that compassion is always the highest value. Nearly every virtue that comes to mind can be prefaced with "compassion". Compassionate justice. Compassionate loving. Compassionate honesty. Compassionate generosity. It changes the flavor just a bit. Compare it with "righteous justice". Righteous honesty. Righteous anger. My anger at a way of thinking that I consider destructive and harmful is just as destructive and harmful as the ideology I condemn. My efforts to insulate from it, to put it out of my life, to hide in a cove of likemindedness was entirely antithetical to the kind of growth I need to develop in this lifetime.

All the Wisemen and Wisewomen throughout history have not hidden from destructiveness but have actively allowed themselves to become a beacon, someone who offers another way of thinking or another way of doing things.

Trying to retreat is a rather insidious form of selfishness. It is saying in essence that my comfort is the highest value, the most important thing. It is self-indulgent to hold the view that because it is uncomfortable or difficult that I have no obligation to shed light in the world.

I'm not a proselytizer. I'm not going to use this forum or any other to sell my philosophy or my culture like a vacuum cleaner or a car. I am not Cal Worthington and I don't have a dog named Spot. That isn't what it's all about. What it's about is living it, living compassion, sharing the things I value with others - whether they choose to change or not. I can't attach myself to a particular outcome. Attachment to the outcome invariably leads to judgment.

While I'm sure other blog posts at some point will make me cry - or something I hear or see in my daily life will make me angry - the main thing is to turn that anger into compassion, lovingkindness - to replace the negative with the positive. St Francis of Assisi once prayed, "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace."

That I can consider growth.

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Wellness Wednesday: Knowing When To Take Refuge...

Last night, a blog post made me weep.

And then I went to another blog post and felt helpless.

It's not about what I'm reading or the content of what's being written but my reaction to it. I really feel these things, the stuff you all write about. I have performed rituals, made merit and created intentional energy for people whose blogs I read regularly. I don't need to proclaim it in your comments sections or even have you know about it. It's just something I do. By choice.

I have my beliefs. They are strong beliefs. I feel fairly clear on what causes suffering. This worldview is all I know. Nothing else makes sense. I can't wrap my mind around certain things, even if I understand them intellectually.

Perhaps that makes me a zealot. I don't know. What I do know is that I feel a heaviness sometimes because I can't make it any better for anyone. I want to snap my fingers and make all those self-defeating beliefs and cultural lies disappear - and have people feel joy and contentment. I want people to understand and know their inherent goodness - and the fact that we are all good. We don't earn that goodness. It is our birthright. It is how we were created. We are all valuable. Our value isn't determined by what we own, our social position or the size of our bank accounts. Our value is our part in the whole. If anyone takes any message away from this site - ever - I hope that's the one you'll take.

Of course, I'm not God and can't change minds ~ but it doesn't negate the desire to make things better for people.

Speaking frankly, sometimes the culture clash here is really hard for me. It's hard when I believe so differently than the majority. It's that swim through the Stygian marsh that leaves me bruised and battered. I want to understand and I want to be understood. This is really the crux of it.

Last night, I cried until I was sick - not only because of one individual's post - but because it all tumbled down at once. The differences, my inability to bridge those differences, my inability to help in any meaningful way. It makes me sad because when other people are suffering, I want to make it better. And I can't. I don't have any influence any longer. At one time, I think I did. Maybe that is when my message was newer and fresher.

All of this to say one thing: I ask forgiveness in advance if I don't visit your sites the way I have in the past when I bump up against these differences. There might be times when you don't see a comment from me. Please don't take it as indifference. I just feel out of words. Out of energy. Out of the ability to repeat the same tired phrases again and again, knowing full well that what's meaningful for me is not necessarily what is meaningful for someone else.

I want to be a bridge.. but I'm not sure I know how anymore.

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Wellness Wednesday on Tuesday Afternoon: Constant Learning

Intellectual activity has always been just as important to me as physical activity.

For the past week or so, I've been dealing with a health issue that has decreased my physical activity temporarily. I've become reacquainted with PBS. Television is hard to take most of the time since so many shows are vapid or promote values that I find distasteful. If it wasn't for some of the cable channels like Discovery, The History Channel and The Learning Channel, I'd really be out of luck. I've also recently discovered The Research Channel.

PBS has too many beg-a-thons for my personal taste but there are also some high quality things, shows that teach.

I didn't like school for the most part until I got to college. The autodidact approach was more appealing for the most part because structured education is too... well... structured.

As I've been laying low for the past week or so, that has become a part of my life again. Just this past week, I've listened to lectures on The Research Channel and watched two great shows this past weekend on PBS that went on the entire day. One of them was called "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life" with Dr Wayne Dyer and the other was an afternoon long series on brain function. I've also watched a few science shows on Nova and a special on the Roman Empire.

As I watched these shows, I took notes. I took notes because I always take notes. It's a habit. It also helps me remember.

This kind of learning is something that keeps life vital and alive. There are so many things to learn, so many things to discover. Truly, that is what keeps me enthusiastic. It's also recommended by nearly every researcher who has ever been involved in studying dementia. This is the kind of thing that will help prevent people from losing cognitive ability in old age. Learning something new actually keeps the brain from deteriorating and encourages the growth of more brain cells.

That's a consideration that's more immediately important for people my age. (Far more than most of the people who read this site). In another twenty years (if I live that long), I'll be 77 years old. Hard to imagine but it's looming in the not-so-distant future. At that age, I hope to be still reading books, still learning new things ~ even as I lay on a blanket, somewhere near a waterfall in Thailand.

I'll also be learning a whole new language.

It really is exciting... and I can't imagine being well without that steady stream of new information. The recommendation is not to learn more about things we already have an interest - but new things entirely.

So.. that's my Wellness Wednesday thought. Learn something new.

(As a side note, I am aware that I owe some people replies to email. Please don't think I am ignoring you or blowing you off. I'm not physically well right now and sitting at the computer is difficult. Like Arnold though... I'll be baaaaack. :)

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Wellness Wednesday: Keeping It Real...

This has been an interesting couple of days. I heard a lot and have read a lot of public posts about BlogHer and the events that took place there, both the good and the bad. It brought something to mind.

BlogHer is not something that would interest me. While I like and admire plenty of people whose sites I read regularly and would enjoy meeting them, the marketing aspect would be a real turn-off. I don't want to know "tricks" to make my readership increase and as I've said many times in the past, there will never be an ad on this site.

If my readership grows, I want it to be because people like what I have to say, are challenged by what I say - or even disagree with me but find my thoughts worth the two or three minutes it takes to read a post.

I don't like the idea of promoting consumerism in any form or fashion, especially when it's framed in the notion of community, friendship and fun. The whole thing feels slimy. My stomach couldn't handle it. I'd be heaving buckets before the first day ended.

The things I was told about, some of the group dynamics, some of the things that happened, upset me horribly. Even though I am fairly assertive and opinionated, I'm not heartless.

Some people went with open hearts and open minds and were hurt as a result. They were hurt by unbecoming behavior that smacks of unresolved high school issues. The idea is repugnant. We're all adults here - and we know right from wrong. We know how to treat other people. We know about civility and we know about kindness.

And I will take a stand when it's necessary, even if it pisses someone off - which I inherently hate doing. Sometimes we have to defend what's right. We have to keep it real, even when that isn't the easiest or most expedient option. Even when it's risky.

The Wellness Wednesday application of this is that I don't believe we can feel whole - or clean - or integrated - if we don't take a stand for the things we know are right. As the old country song says You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything.

In the final analysis, it is behavior, not words, that shows what we're really made of. If you know what's right and choose to do what's wrong, that's a testament to personal character. If someone knowingly tries to elevate themselves at the expense of another, that is a testament of personal character. "Mean girls" are not cute or funny. They're just mean. And I find them disgusting and incredibly boring. Carrie Bradshaw wannabes just need to grow up.

Those who deal with me.. here or personally... need to know who I am. I want you to know what I stand for, what I believe. I want to be trustworthy - and I can't do that unless I always tell the truth. No matter what.

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Wellness Wednesday: Boredom

I don't believe it is our nature to be bored.

This topic came up several weeks ago and I've actually had to think about it for a while to realize where it comes from.

People who were acculturated to a certain way of life often complain of boredom, the absence of external stimuli to keep their minds busy. They depend on technology, on other people's ideas and commercial items to keep them connected. There's an inherent fear attached to being too quiet with our own thoughts and feelings. If we do it too long, we might come to realize something is wrong and that we may need to change the way we're living.

In feeling boredom, I've noticed two things came up for me prominently: anxiety or impatience. Living a way of life in which I am required to view myself as separate from others and nature leads to anxiety and fear, the feeling that we are all really alone in this earthly voyage. When we forfeit interdependence for security and control, we feel alone. Being alone is scary. Wanting that to not be so creates impatience because it is so unsatisfying. Being separate and alone wounds us. To avoid confronting it, we depend on things outside of ourselves to keep us occupied. When there isn't anything instantly available, we complain about being "bored".

Looking at it another way. that you and I are not separate, we are all in this life together and share commonalities, that we are not "apart from" nature and other people, has freed my mind from boredom. I am free to let my mind wander without external input and can be still for quite a long time.

An experiment would be interesting. Try sitting still with your own thoughts for ten minutes. Just ten minutes. Turn off the phone, turn off the TV, don't read a book or look for anything outside of your own thoughts.

What does it feel like? Do you feel antsy? Why?

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Wellness Wednesday on Thursday: Be Here Now

First off, I want to apologize for my ugliness the other night. I definitely needed a time-out and still do. At the same time, I believe those who come by here regularly are owed an explanation.

Some New Age circles recommend something called "a bitch book". That is a place where we purge all of our ugly feelings onto paper without censoring and it is theoretically a way of releasing it.

I'm in favor of that idea... and just for today, I'm using this page as my "bitch book".

A few days ago, I commented on someone else's site that being aware of HALT is important. Hungry, Angry, Tired or Lonely. When we feel any of those things, we're more prone to destructive behavior. For those of us who are addicts, it is our highest point of risk.

Lately, I've been there and it's bleeding into most of my perceptions. While I know enough to recognize that all things are temporary, it doesn't necessarily keep me from reacting.

For one thing, I feel bruised and battered by a barrage of values and a way of life that is meaningless to me - and yet have to at least pretend to relate so that there will be some basis for communication. I don't feel like "educating the masses" all the time. I just want to have a conversation. The cultural dissident me needs to rest sometimes.

I'm hungry for likeminded others, people who understand what I am saying and what I believe without having to laboriously explain it.

I can't even sit down to watch a movie without being pummeled by values that I find repugnant.

I'm constantly hungry. I feel like eating everything in sight. One thing leads to another. Last night, I gave in and had some Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

The lack of likeminded communication also makes me feel lonely. Even though I am now a part of a Theravadin community, there are certain traits and characteristics of that community that are anything but Theravadin. Each day, I talk to at least one person who is all about the personality politics and complaints about lack of recognition. Bloody ego! Ambition. Wanting power over the community. I'm sick of it! What do I have to do? Move to southeast Asia and become a nun? Become a hermit?

And that makes me angry. I'm angry that there seems to be no refuge from it. It's like some viral infection. While I understand that most people have to function within that structure, there should be at least one place where it's left at the door.

It's a never-ending cycle at times.

I'm still tired. The truth is that I've been much sicker than I let on here. It is only today that I've awakened without the constant dull headache and malfunctioning digestive system. My head still hurts in certain places. Parts of my skull apparently got burned, too. (On a purely vain level, that means no hair color. I look like crap!)

Burned.. hell. I wasn't sunburned. I was sun-poisoned. I've really been very, very ill. As one person said, I'm lucky I didn't stroke out. Given another couple of hours, I probably would have.

So.. if I've seemed testy and rather unlikeable lately, that's why. And that's why I've chosen to take a time-out.

It's not because I believe feeling these things is unacceptable. We all feel them - but sometimes the answer, especially after the bitching, is to sit still with it, to let it happen, to let the feelings happen without trying to chase them away. Be here. Be now.

I will be back when I can be a bit more positive, hopefully to share some of what this process is really all about ~ something that will be useful to all of us.

However, it will be from my value system - and I hope someone will understand it - without my having to laboriously explain it.

Hope everyone is well - and I'll see you soon - here or in your comment forums.

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Wellness Wednesday.. Eliminating Pain

This week's Wellness Wednesday isn't about something I've overcome. It's not about something I've learned.

It's about something I'm learning.

I am in pain. Not excruciating pain. Nothing life-threatening or life-defying. Just a dull ache. It' s a dull ache created by the constant frustration of trying to communicate and of not being heard, of not feeling embraced by the world. It is about separation from my soul's home. It's the kind of pain that sits in the abdominal area and churns. It's the kind of pain that makes me question the purpose of my efforts, the purpose of the things I do to try to break through the invisible barrier that seems to separate me from others. I've "done" all the things I know how to do to "fix" it. I'm weary of the effort, of the disappointment, of the genuine absence of the kind of connections I need here and now.

I don't want to be separate anymore - but it can't be "fixed". It's not something that can be immediately alleviated so that I'll be comfortable again. I need to walk through this, wherever it leads.

I have to let go of "trying".

Which brings me to the topic of this post. We've been trained since infancy to believe we shouldn't feel pain, that it should be banished at all costs, no matter what we have to do.

Heaven forbid we should ever be uncomfortable.

We've been fed a pack of lies. The cultural belief (the ultimate dictator) is that pain should be completely eliminated. We go to a doctor to get a pill. We take a drink. We smoke some weed. We go find a temporary sex partner. We watch more TV. We have a right to have it numbed. It leads us to resist the pain when it's present which makes it more intense. But the truth is that pain is unavoidable. Just the process of being born into this world automatically means we will be in pain. There's loss. We get old and sick. We die. People can be disappointing. This is reality.

I think the real suffering comes when we don't allow ourselves to feel the pain, to be with it, to demystify it, when we resist it. We resist it, become resentful and see ourselves as victims.

It's gotten to a stage where most people don't entirely understand the difference between pain and suffering. I am in pain right now. I am not suffering. Suffering comes from the resistance, not from the pain itself.

Perhaps the real objective in experiencing pain is to use the pain as a healer. A true healer doesn't merely eliminate the uncomfortable feelings. He, she or it teaches us how to feel alive with all of our feelings, not just the good ones. We need to let it hurt, see where it leads us and know the sensation is merely a sensation. We won't die if we feel pain. We very well might if we don't allow it.

The point is to come to the full realization that true health means we do feel that aliveness, in pleasure or in pain. Our pain is real and I'm not the sort who will tell anyone that everything is really okay, it's going to be okay - that there will be a happy ending.

The separation from others most of us feel is very real. And it's as bad as we all think it is ~ in fact, it's probably worse.

At the same time, all is well. This is a path we have to experience in order to understand that we are creating it with our choices. We are creating it with false beliefs. If anything, the pain will help us to begin making different choices. At that point, we will all begin to heal.


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Wellness Wednesday: Before the Fall....

"What is like a smelly fart,
that, although invisible is obvious?
One's own faults, that are precisely
As obvious as the effort made to hide them."

The Dalai Lama in "Songs of Spiritual Change"

Someone asked me, a relatively new reader, why I find awards, tags, etc., offensive to me or to my practice.

It is because they pander to pride. Of course the awards and such on blogs are penny ante and certainly not significant in and of themselves. However, if you peel back another layer, it becomes apparent that they pander to pride.

Pride is, by nature, separating ourselves from others and perceiving ourselves as somehow "better".

It provides a peak experience where it is as though the proud are on a high mountain, looking down at everyone else. As the Tibetans say though, it's cold at the top of that mountain, it is hard and nothing grows. We are the best and everyone else is inferior. Pride is associated with self-absorption and measuring our value by comparing ourselves to others. It encourages us to act competitively and then we become disrespectful. At some point, we become addicted to that peak experience and want more, more, more of the feeling it brings us. Without even realizing it, it does make us suffer.

When someone perceives him- or herself as a "loser", self-regard is diminished and become absorbed in self-criticism. It undermines our faith in ourselves. So excess - both in terms of exaggeration and devaluation - are equally destructive.

As long as we think and feel that way, we can never develop true concern for others and we can't develop true compassion.

I've struggled with this and I'm sure plenty of others do, too. In this culture, people have been brainwashed to believe that pride is a Good Thing because it will make us strive for more. (Italics are deliberate. Think about what that means for a minute.) Kind of like an alcoholic who can't stop drinking, we become intoxicated by our own inflated sense of ourselves. We then require more - more stuff, more adulation, more praise, more stuff, more adulation, more praise, more validation.

In the past, I've talked about my own background enough that most of the people who read here will see how easy it was for me to become addicted to pride. I wanted so much to feel worthy that I bought into it. And it was intoxicating. When I was writing a column for a newspaper that was read by thousands of people or when I was doing my weekly radio show, I was in the clouds! All that attention! All that praise! I got calls for interviews by NPR and often spoke at public events. The highs were incredible.. and I sought it out the same way I sought out booze. I wanted more, more, more. And then more was never enough.

It was a sick and tormented way to live. My comfort depended on all that external validation. My sense of worth depended on it.

The blog awards are such a microcosmic example that it would be easy to dismiss it - but just as everything eventually becomes something else - stream to lake to river to ocean - they can also be used as a tool to make someone "better" and someone else, by default, "less".

It's subtle. But it's there. Pride.

As Gary Zukav said, "An authentically empowered person is humble. This does not mean the false humility of one who stoops to be with those who are below him or her. It is the inclusiveness of one who responds to the beauty of each soul. ... It is the harmlessness of one who treasures, honors and reveres life in all its forms."

That's what I prefer to promote here.. because it is positive and powerful. It is kinder. It is life- affirming instead of life-depleting.

I hope that answers the question about awards.

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Wellness Wednesday: Conversing the Hours

Saturday, I was able to spend the entire day with a friend I don't see very often. As you can imagine, the conversation was fast and furious with many topics being put on the table, discussed and exhausted.

One of the most significant topics was one that got me put in the naughty chair. It is a chair I've grown accustomed to over the years. Being the Noam Chomsky of my social circle occasionally presents challenging interactions.

Eric and I had a conversation about a woman he is "seeing" (what a weird euphemism, but it works for the moment). He talked about ways to find out more about her, ways to discover how she really thinks and believes. What is she really like? One of the methods he proposed is Socratic questioning. That is a method of asking probing questions, peeling away layers.

I immediately balked at the method which I find intrusive. I've experienced it and was left feeling like Swiss cheese. I prefer to get to know people slowly, revealing myself as I feel safe and comfortable doing so. Probing questions are just that: probing. Think about the real meaning of that word and let it sink in.

My position is that Eric was looking to find fault. When we look to find fault, we invariably will. He was looking for some way to protect himself from possible disappointment. I also thought the things he was concerned about were a bit on the petty side. When all is said and done, someone's personal habits are not that important. Character is what matters.

Disappointment is a part of living. Trying too hard to avoid it just another way of avoiding life in general. It's the emotional Patriot Act. It is a particular type of energy that limits us in our positive experiences of others and is another way to increase our separation. He doesn't like Nelson DeMille. She likes chick flicks and I can't stand them. He leaves his towels on the bathroom floor. She always leaves the toilet seat down. He doesn't wrap leftovers the way I like them wrapped in the refrigerator. She reads too much.

I think when we get to a certain age, we realize how truly petty and insignificant most things are - and how much we've allowed our lives to become engrossed in minutiea. At the end of the day, it's just spackle. That's the crud that clogs up pipes and interferes with the free flow of energy between us.

Spackle. That is the word that got me assigned to the naughty chair. But I truly believe this. If we look for fault, we'll find it. If we look for reasons to divide ourselves further, we certainly will find them. Criticism leads to more and deeper criticism. Stream to river to lake to ocean. On and on it goes. As we do this individually, we do it with groups, with communities, nations and the world.

The older I get, the more I subscribe to the basic notion that we are all here, doing the best we can with what we have - and substance will win over form every time. I propose that all of us would be served well to simply accept others as they are, recognizing that we are all flawed to one degree or another.

This quote comes to mind: "Accept what people have to offer. Drink their milkshakes. Take their love."

What say you?

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As an aside, I have decided to change the name of this blog. The URL will remain the same but the name just isn't working for me anymore. I'd like to make contact with someone who would be willing to create a new banner for me and install it. Charging me a reasonable fee is okay. Please contact me or leave a comment if you know someone who can do it - or are willing to do it yourself. The new name will be "Finding My Way Home". Thanks. :)
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Wellness Wednesday: Use What You Have

When I think back (which I don't like to do), I realize how much I missed out on, how much I didn't do, because I didn't have what I thought I needed to have.

Exercise is one example. For a long time I didn't do anything because I believed I had to have a gym membership, weights, a treadmill or some other special equipment. As anyone reading here knows, I am not a wealthy person.

Fill empty milk bottles with water for weights. Walk on the street instead of on a treadmill. Use a long rubber tube to stretch with. No one needs a gym. It's a luxury.

All of this to say, we can always find a way. It doesn't have to be difficult and it's a bit too easy to fall into the consumerism trap that tells us we have to buy certain things to get certain results. Merchandisers want us to believe that we need what they have because that keeps us buying and in debt.

In all things, it's important to get out of the "if only" thinking. If only I had this, I could do that. If only I was this, I could have that. If only I had it, I would be happy. If only the sky would turn purple.... If only....

This goes far beyond material things. It also applies to all other aspects of our lives. We all come with the internal software that we need to survive in this world. When you consider, our ancestors certainly didn't have all these products - nor did they need them.

It's a type of limitation thinking that leads to subtle, low level depression. There's nothing worse than feeling like we can't make changes in our own lives. It benefits only those who want to make a profit off our insecurities.

So I am learning to use these limitations as an opportunity to be a bit more creative ~ and to further simplify my life, lessen my dependence on "stuff", which leads to more freedom.

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Wellness Wednesday: Believe in Something.....

Something I've been thinking about for Wellness Wednesday is what the key components are for really being well. Not just healthy, but well.

I am a person of strong beliefs. Some might even say opinionated. Both are true. :)

But I remember back to a time when I was blown about by the wind, taking in belief systems like the latest fashion trend, always trying to root myself in something whether it fit or not. My world felt like shifting sand, always subject to the "weather" of the moment.

During my life time, I've been involved in everything from conservative Christianity to atheism and most points in between. None of those things fed my soul but I wanted an identity. I wanted a community. I wanted to belong.... so I'd rather adeptly adopt whatever surrounded me.

That wasn't healthy of course and certainly didn't make me well. In fact, it made me feel hollow.

There's a certain tearing-down process that takes place as we discover our own core beliefs and begin to live them. That becomes a foundation from which we make our choices. For me, that took place in Tucson where I'd arrived after a particularly difficult experience on the east coast. I remember looking at the brick wall in front of me in the little cottage I'd just rented, knowing that my life could not remain the same. I found a mentor and began exploring.

Most of the foundational beliefs we discover are rooted in some system that was established before us, rooted either in culture or ethnicity. None of us are islands and there's very little truly original thought. As we go along, we begin to pick them apart, examine them, turn them over in our palms like a stone, eliminating the things that don't make sense and find truth in the rest. Sometimes something so strongly grabs us as truth that we can't avoid it. That is what happened with me in Thailand.

As we begin to live it fully, it adds color and clarity to our personal tapestry. Mundane things take on a richness. We have more to give others because we're standing on solid ground.

It's not easy and it takes a lot of courage, particularly when our choices are different than the majority who surround us but I honestly believe we can not be well without it. There is a lot of truth to the title of an old country song which says, "You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything."

What do you believe?

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