Coming to Peace....

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha

... and perhaps increased understanding...

Thanks for all the great comments on my last post. I've had a few days to think about them and have come to a few conclusions.

(I have deleted part of this post that basically expresses a lot of mean-spirited opinions about another person. That is not really what I want to project into the world so removing it is the only thing that feels right. I've left the parts that pertain to me - my feelings and experience. It's simply not my place to take someone else's inventory on this site. I apologize for being so mindless.)

At the risk of sounding selfish, I have been giving from an empty well for a long time. My primary concern right now is to fill that up. I am coming out of a very long drought that has left me parched and thirsty. My life force is low. My companionship needs are not being met and I spend far more time alone than I think is healthy. Not to say I don't enjoy my alone time ~ but there's a point where it becomes unhealthy. The truth is that I'm not getting any younger, either ~ and I have my own issues to address.

That means I can't be around this house as much as I have been. I've signed up for volunteer work and have signed up for a Tai Chi class on the weekends. There are activities at one of the wats and I have to get all my "stuff" organized so that I can move easily. Right now, my energy has to be focused on creating my own social network and my own life.

I will always continue to give to others when and where it is appropriate and am given the opportunity to do so but I am not going to sacrifice my own well being for someone who is incapable of reciprocity.

Not score-keeping. Reciprocity. They're not the same.





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Keep on using me until you use me up....

Do you usually find that it takes some sort of major event to make you realize that you've been used?

I haven't written much about this here but I've been having housemate troubles. I've rented the mother-in-law unit in this house for quite a few years and during that time, the owner of the house has begun aging rapidly.

I've always openly helped her as I believe that is what my faith and culture demand of me.

She's always had a somewhat colonialist attitude. Usually, I can blow that kind of thing off. Someone else's attitudes really aren't my issue and as long as they're not overt about it or rub my nose in it, I'll ignore it. Dust on my shoulder, as the song says.

Recently some things came to light that have led me to realize that I am going to have to move out of here soon or I'll be gobbled up.

If you can imagine someone being unable to be happy for me when something goes well, that is what I'm dealing with. A mutual friend informed me of this ~ that she is resentful of my good fortune lately. In her mind, that means I am no longer as available to her as I have been in the past because now I am expanding my life to include other people and other activities.

Something shifts inside of me when I realize a person is capable of being so selfish that she can't be happy for me. Lately, I'm having a very difficult time even looking at her. Every conversation is a strain. The very presence of her is so repugnant that I feel nausea.

My spirit of helpfulness ~ which is intrinsic to who I am ~ has been temporarily put in Protective Custody. This event has caused me to withdraw deep inside and resist any attempt on anyone's part to claim any dependence on me for anything. It doesn't feel very good because that's not who I am.

I just know I feel disgusted. I feel violated. Right now, I can't see the good in her at all. My mind is simply incapable of processing that kind of selfishness.

I'm not angry. Surprisingly. With a temper like mine. This is something that goes beyond anger. When I see her now, it is like looking at some alien lifeform. It's rather frightening that she seems not quite human.

Right now, I am not feeling compassion. I am not choosing love. I am not choosing forgiveness.

Right now ~ in this moment ~ I just want her to stay the hell away from me. I don't want that kind of spiritual filth in my energy field.







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