Keep on using me until you use me up....

Do you usually find that it takes some sort of major event to make you realize that you've been used?

I haven't written much about this here but I've been having housemate troubles. I've rented the mother-in-law unit in this house for quite a few years and during that time, the owner of the house has begun aging rapidly.

I've always openly helped her as I believe that is what my faith and culture demand of me.

She's always had a somewhat colonialist attitude. Usually, I can blow that kind of thing off. Someone else's attitudes really aren't my issue and as long as they're not overt about it or rub my nose in it, I'll ignore it. Dust on my shoulder, as the song says.

Recently some things came to light that have led me to realize that I am going to have to move out of here soon or I'll be gobbled up.

If you can imagine someone being unable to be happy for me when something goes well, that is what I'm dealing with. A mutual friend informed me of this ~ that she is resentful of my good fortune lately. In her mind, that means I am no longer as available to her as I have been in the past because now I am expanding my life to include other people and other activities.

Something shifts inside of me when I realize a person is capable of being so selfish that she can't be happy for me. Lately, I'm having a very difficult time even looking at her. Every conversation is a strain. The very presence of her is so repugnant that I feel nausea.

My spirit of helpfulness ~ which is intrinsic to who I am ~ has been temporarily put in Protective Custody. This event has caused me to withdraw deep inside and resist any attempt on anyone's part to claim any dependence on me for anything. It doesn't feel very good because that's not who I am.

I just know I feel disgusted. I feel violated. Right now, I can't see the good in her at all. My mind is simply incapable of processing that kind of selfishness.

I'm not angry. Surprisingly. With a temper like mine. This is something that goes beyond anger. When I see her now, it is like looking at some alien lifeform. It's rather frightening that she seems not quite human.

Right now, I am not feeling compassion. I am not choosing love. I am not choosing forgiveness.

Right now ~ in this moment ~ I just want her to stay the hell away from me. I don't want that kind of spiritual filth in my energy field.







~*

Follow-up on Why I Stay....

Thanks for all the comments yesterday on "Why I Stay". I appreciate so much that so many people took their time (on a Saturday at that!) to give me some thoughts on this.

Many of them were right on target and that is what has prompted this post.

I wanted to go a bit further with it, maybe because I need to make a few things clearer than I did yesterday.

For one thing, D and V are both very "western culture". It's all about self-interest and their comfort. It's about money. I know that. In other words, I understand the risk inherent in what I am doing. If I became inconvenient to them for some reason or they decided to sell the house, move a relative in or any number of things, I would be out. My loyalty would not be returned. I absolutely, positively know that.

I get that. Totally. To have other expectations, given the culture I am living in right now, would be unrealistic.

There are also things that could make me leave. Example: If D raises the rent, I'm out of here. I am already paying 70% of my monthly income on rent.

For now... I'm staying because I can and because it's the right thing to do. At the root of all of this is my trying to do the right thing and, as someone mentioned, not be stupid about it.

I can find another place to rent. In fact, lately I've been considering moving to a lower cost part of the country because I am going to need certain funds available to get to Thailand and I live on a fixed income.

Those are just realistic things that have to be considered.

Still, when I do leave here.. which I will one day ~ either by default or on purpose ~ I leave knowing I did the right thing by them. I lived my principles in the best way I know how.

In the end, all I can do is live the way I think is right, treat people the way I believe is right and go from there. I can't be responsible for how they respond to it.

And... I am very open to suggestions on lower-cost-of-living areas.

Right now, it looks like Payson, Arizona is my best bet... unless I hear of something better.


Peace,


~Chani