Sacred Life Sunday: Would you like to be a hero?

I want to do something different with Sacred Life Sunday. It's time to change my focus a bit. Honestly, I am tired of talking about myself. Like most of us, my life is just a series of days and one is not all that different from another. I'd like to spend more energy putting good things out into the world for people to participate in. Most of us want to feel like we can do things as well as think about them. The doing can be just as spiritual as the thinking. From now on, I will try to use SLS as an opportunity to find something good to pass along to you - whether it is a website, a book, a volunteer opportunity - something uplifting and wholesome.

I hope you find it to be of some use in your own life.

Those of us who are not wealthy often wonder how we can give to others in a meaningful way. Too often, charity is all about giving money. So what can those of us who don't have money give? I believe we have the same spiritual requirement. Sometimes we just have to be a bit more creative. The older I get, the more I realize that sometimes a smile and a good morning won't mean a thing to someone who's hungry. It's a good way for us to feel like we're doing something ~ but there are plenty of opportunities to make a real difference and have a significant impact on someone else's well-being.

One of the lessons I believe we will learn from this economic downturn is that we are here to help each other. If ever there was a cosmic smackdown, this is it. We're here to give and receive. We're here to be aware of others and do what we can to make each other's lives easier. This is an opportunity to move away from competition and empire-building and focus on cooperation and community-building.

Recently something came to my attention that I'd like to pass along because there are some wonderful things happening. It feels really nice like Kiva but doesn't require a financial outlay. It's good like Freecycle but it also provides a chance for people in need to ask directly for something they need.

It is called WishUponAHero. It is a site where people make requests, state their wishes and match up with those who might be able and willing to meet their needs. Granted.. this is material but sometimes a material item can make a big difference in someone's life.

I saw a news story about a woman whose refrigerator broke and she couldn't afford to replace it. Someone in her area saw her post, had an extra refrigerator around and gave it to her. It's helping her save money since she doesn't have to buy fresh food daily and she has kids so it makes a huge difference.

There are all sorts of requests there. Check it out. You might be able to be someone's hero. And perhaps, if you need a hero, you may find one.

Either way, it's all sacred.


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Wellness Wednesday: Nothing is lost that can't be replaced....

Throughout this whole car debacle, I've come to understand how much easier life can be when we don't get caught up in the drama.

During this process, I've been watching other people. The representatives of the insurance company, the neighbors, the person who caught the license plate number of the hit-and-run driver, the body shop that has been storing it.... the cast of characters goes on and on.

And I'm the only one who is detached. I am the only one who doesn't have a strong feeling of urgency.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very grateful for the people who have been helping me. I'm not indifferent to them. The insurance company (Nationwide, in case anyone is curious) has been helpful beyond the call of duty. That's a crapshoot though. It all depends on the claims representative and I got a good one.

The point of this is that I can't see getting upset about any of it. Granted, it's an inconvenience. It's more administration than I am accustomed to dealing with. Phone calls, DMV trips and trips to the body shop to release the vehicle to the insurance company. In the end though, it was just a car and both the person who hit it and I are okay. Nothing was lost that can't be replaced. In the end, that's all that matters.

It's been a long time that I've tried to reach this level, to be able to remain this calm during something that pulls me in contact with the systems, with phone calls, with negotiating, with all the things I most dislike doing ~ and still come out of it okay. No physical symptoms at all.

Now if I can just maintain it! Not only in this situation but in all similar situations!


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Collision... Part II

Thanks to everyone who replied. I took all the suggestions and have prepared a list of similar vehicles from AutoTrader, Vehix and Craigslist. I looked for the exact same car and found only one - at $1950.00 - and it had 40K miles more than the one I had. My understanding is that they have to give me fair market price for my area. If they do that, I won't have anything to
argue with them about. Hopefully it will go that way.

I had an object lesson in aging when I picked up the rental car yesterday. It was a Kia Rondo... some huge SUV type thing and I couldn't stand driving it. Seriously. It scared the heck out of me! It also had all kinds of
buttons and bells. I had no idea what all that mess was and didn't want to deal with it. I took it back to Enterprise and asked for another car - for one thing, not a car that was like something the Secret Service would have, not taller than me and *no talking*! I don't want a talking car! It gives me the willies!

They exchanged it for a Chevy Cobalt and it is much, much better! It doesn't speak. It beeps and chimes the way machines are supposed to do. Iit doesn't have anything I haven't seen before. The only creepy thing is that it tells me (on a display window) what song is on the radio. It comes up and displays "KSSJ 94.7 Aaron Neville Use Me". A bit TMI. How does a simple frequency reciever know what's playing?

Get out my tin foil hat!

Guess I've lost my hip card forever.


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Collision.....

It's been an eventful week!

Yesterday as I was sitting in my living room, watching TV, minding my own business and listening to the rain, I heard a loud thunk out on the street.

For some reason, my intuition told me to get up and look. I did. A green Dodge Caravan rear-ended my car and left the scene. As luck would have it, the mail man was approaching right at that time. He got her license number.

It was an 18-year-old kid, probably talking on her cell phone. When she hit my car, she panicked and ran.

Not a good move.

Naturally, I had to make a police report. I called the police, they came out, took a report, blah blah blah. Thank goodness for the mail man taking down her license plate! The police went to her house.

I was rather stunned by the whole thing.. but figured somehow, it would work out. Things usually do.

This morning I took the car to the body shop for repair where they declared it a "total loss". The young lady who wrecked the car did, thank goodness, have good insurance. I got a rental car a few hours ago which I will have until the insurance company settles with me.

Here's my question for you guys: Any advice for dealing with the insurance company to get as much money as possible for an old vehicle?

I will be using that money for a down payment on another used car, one that is better and newer. That means I'm stuck with payments for a while. Double payments for six months since I am still paying the person who loaned me the money for the one totalled yesterday. I am going to be so broke that losing weight really shouldn't be a problem since I'll barely be able to afford food.

I know the insurance company will try to get by with as little as possible but I don't want them to take advantage of my inexperience, either.

So... regale me with your insurance stories!


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Jiho!

"Jiho" means "May Victory Be Yours".

I have some thoughts about this movie that are flying all over the map right now.

The slums of Mumbai are the sort of environment that few people can imagine without having seen it. People live in tin shacks covered with moldy blankets next to garbage dumps. Children swim through poop. Bathrooms are collective and there is no sanitation. The stink alone is unspeakable.

Human beings should not be living that way in an abundant world ~ and the world is abundant. There are sufficient resources on this planet to feed every man, woman, child and beast. The social structures have to place that as a value and currently they do not.

I found the premise of the movie rather silly, given that most of the children in Mumbai are not educated and struggle daily for basics. The idea of someone having the energy to memorize a lot of trivia is a bit unrealistic. But that aside....

One thing the creators of this movie did understand is that consciousness raising without action is meaningless. Talking about a problem, ruminating about it, hand-wringing about it is useless.

The producers of the movie have created a school in the slums of Mumbai in an effort to offer free education to all the children of the region. It will provide them with a chance to begin the process of improving their lives. In my opinion, that is to be praised. The producers didn't make a big issue of it or try to use it as a means to elevate themselves. If I am understanding correctly, it's really not a well-known fact.

The one thing that concerns me is inaction and lack of cooperation on part of the Indian government. They still operate under a social system that predestines a person's status in life by birth. If one is born into the wrong caste, there is no chance of change, no opportunity for growth or self-determination on any level. At the risk of making some people mad, I'll say that it is a disgusting, barbaric and unconscionable social system that should be challenged by every human rights group on the planet.

Karma can be used as a battering ram, just like anything else. It can be used as an excuse to ignore glaring social problems by determining that someone deserves his or her fate because of past deeds in another life. That's not a belief system. It's an excuse.

In my opinion, it's crap.

Karma is a system of cause and effect, not a meritocracy.

We all have a duty to alleviate suffering whenever and however we can. Not to rack up brownie points but because that is our purpose here.

Maithri quoted a Sufi saying that I particularly like and it seems to fit this occasion as well.

"Past the seeker as he prayed,

There came the helpless and the hungry and the homeless,

And seeing their suffering he cried out to his God saying

"Great God, How can you see your children suffering and not do anything to
help them?"

And God in His heaven replied "I did do something.

I made you."

I hope that if seeing the movie that won the Oscar does anything, it will convince all of us on a very personal level that we are responsible for the way the world works, that we can and should make a difference. This isn't a Horatio Alger tale. It's a morality play.

Jiho!

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Transitions...

This is a picture of the beach I'll be seeing outside my window when I've moved.

Thanks to those of you who wrote to check on me. I'm okay.

This past few weeks have been filled with shedding old skin for new. Not long ago, I was reading a book by Thomas Moore called "Care of the Soul". In it, he tells us that the state of our environment is often a reflection of the state of our souls.

That stuck in my mind. It was difficult to get it out of my mind, kind of like a piece of music that gets stuck in our heads. Now it makes sense.

Since I am planning a move to Crescent City, I've been sorting through all sorts of old stuff in the house. There's not a lot of room for moving things in my small Toyota. Traveling light is necessary. No room for old baggage. This move is more than just changing locations. It is also a symbolic way of closing the door on the past.

I'm good at compartmentalizing!

As this stuff shifts out of my life, I am feeling lighter and lighter. Sometimes I look at something and think "why the hell did I ever buy this?" There are things in this house that actually feel burdened and heavy on their own. It's as though there is a film of negativity attached to the items themselves.

If it wasn't for some expensive electronics, I'd be tempted to walk out of here with just a few suitcases and a box of favorite books. Realistically though, the cookware and the electronics would all be difficult to replace so that stuff will come along. My TV is new. With the digital/analog thing going on, I bought a new digital TV. Too costly to abandon it. Same with the computer.

As for the rest of it, if it no longer serves me, it's gone. The WEAVE Thrift Shop has been getting bags and boxes from me for the last two weeks. I've sold some things on Craigslist also.

Do you know that I had over 200 CDs? Of course you didn't - but I did. No human being needs 200+ CDs! Most of them haven't been played in years. They're musical genres that no longer interest me or I got them home and didn't like them. I also had over 100 videotapes. Who has a VCR anymore?

I also had things I've been carrying around for twenty-five years or more and haven't looked at some of it in ten years. Example: an old Minolta camera with all the accessories. Now I have a digital camera.

It's gone.

This is a spiritual project as well as a physical one. It is affecting how I see the world and my place in it. The lightness of having very few material possessions is freeing.

Each article that comes into my new home in Crescent City will be chosen mindfully and carefully. I'll have it because I love it, not because it's something I picked up at a yard sale without any particular thought, something that just "happened" in here or something I acquired out of momentary necessity.

I will do the same with ideas, people and beliefs.

The condition of my environment will reflect the state of my soul. Unburdened, free and open to experience. Weightlessness.

So. It's been a while. What is everyone up to? I will be sure to visit all your sites again very soon.



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Eight Is More Than Enough.....

I'm sure by now everyone has heard about the woman in Southern California who had fertility treatments and gave birth to eight children.

I'm doing my best to refrain from some rather colorful remarks. The entire thing appalls me.

But setting that aside, it's hard to fathom anyone choosing to have eight children when she already has six others, three of whom have special needs.

Her statement? "I'll be there for all of my children" and "I've always wanted a big family."

That is naive thinking that has no place in the mind of a woman her age. At some point, someone has to call it what it really is: wrong.

She is a single woman, no husband or boyfriend involved. She lives at her parents' house. She hasn't yet completed her degree. She has no job and no income.

As old-fashioned as it may sound, there comes a point when people need to grow up and understand they can't have everything they want, simply because they want it. Making the decision to have fourteen children is irresponsible and, dare I say it?, stupid. Her reasoning is that she wanted "more people to love me". What? Are her children responsible for seeing to it that her needs are met? She grew up as a single child and always wanted a large family. Just the same, I always thought it was the other way around. We are there to meet the needs of our children.

But she wants. She needs. She wants to be loved. She. She. She. I. I. I. Me. Me. Me.

There is no way she will be able to provide the attention to all of those children they require, regardless of the idealistic view she might have of it. She will not be able to "be there" for all of them. Her three special needs children require more attention than an average child. Her special needs children are developmentally disabled which means they will probably be dependent on her for life. The other three, I suppose, will be tasked with taking care of the babies when the mother goes to school or work. And, of course, the grandparents. Children should be free to go out and play, go to school and be kids. It's not their job to raise their siblings.

Call me old-fashioned if you will but I believe adults need to make responsible decisions ~ but there it is. They need to sift through information and make decisions based on what can realistically be done, no matter what their feelings might be.

This is one of those cases where it might be in the best interests of the children to be removed from the home and adopted out to parents who have the means, the desire and the availability to raise them.

So.. what say you?

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Ain't Nobody's Business ....

I was blog-surfing a while ago and ran across a good post by Ian at Or So I Thought. He was writing about the latest obsession with people's weight, specifically Jessica Simpson's weight, and I found my comment getting longer and longer so I brought it here. Fortunately, he was able to address it with some humor.

There have been endless reports about Jessica Simpson and I've quickly turned them off. It's ranked up there with Casey Anthony and Michael Phelps for wall-to-wall coverage.

I find the whole obsession with body size and perfection to be so immature and silly that I can barely muster even a yawn. It's like listening to a bunch of grade school kids on the playground, picking on one of the kids so they can all feel better about themselves.

It is also the product of a spoiled people and a superficial culture. When most of the world's people don't have clean drinking water or enough food, I find this focus on achieving personal "perfection" to be just a little bit self-indulgent.

As a plus-sized woman (barely - I'm a size 16/18 and mention that for a reason), I can't tell you how sick and tired I am of hearing this topic, usually peppered with charming descriptors like "heifer", "lard ass", "fat pig" or other things I won't even mention because I don't use that kind of language on this site.

It's time to grow up, folks!

We really need to be putting more effort into accepting each other as we are - and stop picking at each other because we don't meet some arbitrary standard of perfection established by some marketing weenie who wants to sell stuff. That's all it is. I've lived long enough to see these trends come and go. If suddenly some moron on Madison Avenue decided that "Rubenesque" was 'in style' because it would sell more products, we wouldn't need a stimulus package. There would be so much eating going on everywhere that the economy would recover in two months! Sheep follow trends.

We all know there are health risks with obesity (which Jessica Simpson clearly is not). We know what they are. The information is readily available. In fact, it's shoved down our throats by every pop culture icon with a talk show on a regular basis. The truth is that it is a topic to be discussed with one's doctor, not fodder for gossipy gaggles of uninformed, small-minded people who find it necessary to denigrate others so they'll feel superior. If someone wants to feel superior, maybe they should concentrate on their own character development and make themselves worthy of it.

That's my way of saying my weight.. or Jessica Simpson's... is no one else's business! For those who find it necessary to look at and criticize other people for minor flaws, I'd suggest reading a book, phoning a friend, get involved with a cause, do something for someone else. Picking at others only makes the one doing it look silly, immature and - dare I say it? - not very bright.

Grow up! There's lots of important work to be done. Get busy!

Sorry.. but that's how I see it.

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Grace in Small Things?

Okay. I'm coming out of the closet.

Lately, I've been reading (and enjoying) the "Grace in Small Things" posts that many have been doing. I'd love to be doing them, too.

But the truth is.... I don't find grace in everyday things. Sometimes grace is found in small things, sure, but not everyday things.

Most of everyday life feels to me to be a combination of frustration and busy work. It's petty problem-solving and maintenance. It's drip-drip-drip.

I know it's not "cool" to say that.. or to admit seeing it that way. In some regards, it probably sounds a bit devaluing and perhaps even arrogant. After all, I should be able to find it. I've filled my head with Thomas Moore and others who write on the topic of finding the sacredness in everyday life.

And it just doesn't seem very meaningful. It doesn't resonate.

I find grace in nature. That is my refuge. I love growing things, the creation of nature and amazing geography. Waterfalls and oceans. Mountains. Animals. Plants. Flowers. Beautiful trees. They scream out "sacred".

I find grace in big things ~ in miracles which I believe occur regularly. There is grace and beauty in the animal world, in extraordinary acts of ordinary human beings. Acts of kindness. People who consistently put something else ahead of themselves. Passion for causes and a desire to make the world a better, more equitable, place.

One of my greatest fears is being stuck in a "Groundhog Day" existence of problem-solving, busy work and life maintenance. I'm a casualty of "Babbit". I read that book way back in high school and frankly it scared the living hell out of me. I vowed then and there that I would make sure my life didn't resemble Babbit's with his pathetic lament, "I never did a single thing I wanted to do." (For those who don't remember, that comment was made when giving advice to his son upon his marriage. Babbit's complaint was that he'd never done a single thing he wanted to do because he gave in to social expectations and householder responsibilities.)

My life is very controlled in many ways. Bills are paid automatically. Everything that can be automated has been clicked into place and the system flows seamlessly. Most of the time. As I mentioned in a previous post, a phone call doesn't even come into this house without my controlling who, when and under what circumstances.

On the other hand, even though the control can be a good thing from the standpoint of organization, I may have built such high walls that things are kept out that should be let in. There should be a better balance.

This is perhaps my greatest weakness (some might even say 'character flaw') and I admitted to a friend a while back that the karma is terrifying. What if the universe decides I need to learn next time about accepting responsibilities gracefully?

Ugh. You know. Just ugh! When I see how most people have to live, it terrifies me. It terrifies me for them.

This isn't permission to be irresponsible and I'm not. I keep my agreements. The thing is that I keep a very tight lid on how many agreements I'll make and the circumstances of them.

I've been given the greatest gift of any lifetime.. and that is the ownership of my time. There's not a single day that I don't wake up and thank God/Buddha/The Universe/Deity of Choice for that gift. I'm determined to not abuse it.

Still... I suspect I'd be a more mature, wiser and perhaps even better person if I was able to find the grace in everyday life.. and opened up to it a bit more, without the ironclad control.

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Facebook and Blogging....

Well, I have to speak my truth.

Facebook just doesn't do it for me. It's been a few months now and while it is nice to see snippet updates from people, it doesn't have the "hook" that draws me in. In general, it appears to be just another shallow social networking site with people competing in a marketplace environment to up their number of friends, parlor games and quippy comments.

Meh. Maybe I'm just too old. I miss substantial conversation over tea, metaphorically speaking, and what occurs on sites like that seems to be a passing wave at best. I want to ask "how are you doing" and get a real answer.

I'm not interested in popularity contests, tagging or quipping. I'm not good at any of that. Perhaps this is a consequence of my own introverted nature ~ or perhaps it's because it fits a trend I don't like seeing develope further; instant food, instant intimacy and disposable people.

I posed the question on Facebook ~ whether it is replacing blogging. If that is the case, I would find that most unfortunate. Blogging is a meal, not a gourmet meal.. not a perfectly healthy meal.. but a meal. Facebook is fast food. It's social McDonald's. Drive up, get it fast and gobble it down while on the way to doing something else.

I'd be curious to know your thoughts on this.


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Phone-a-phobia.....

In case it isn't an already-established fact, I'm a bit of a wacko.

This morning, I am sitting here with a list of calls to make ~ all of them toward a positive end, all of them for a good purpose, non-threatening. They are not call centers with the multi-layered "if you want this, push that" call-routing systems.

I can't bring myself to pick up the phone.

I hate making phone calls. As in really hate it!

Receiving them is fine, although I recognize that I tightly control incoming calls. Everyone who calls me knows they don't have to ask "are you available?" If I'm not, I don't answer. There are times when my phone is unplugged for days. Any time the phone gets picked up around here, I welcome the call.

This is something my housemate, as an example, can't understand. More than once she's said, "you can't just unplug your phone!" She looked at me with horror in her eyes because she honestly believes her phone is for the convenience of others.

Really? Watch me.

Frankly, I wish everyone else would do the same thing. The "are you available" dance is really rather annoying.

"Are you available to talk right now?"

"Actually, no. I'm on the other line" or "Actually, no. I'm just getting ready to go out."

Then don't answer the phone. There's this new invention called "voicemail". Even old folks like me know how to use it.

And I'll spare everyone the call-waiting rant.

...

Making a phone call shouldn't be quite so challenging. But it is!

Many people probably think I don't like them or I'm disinterested because I don't call. That's not true. Many people might think I'm flaky because I don't get things done on time or efficiently. It's not unusual to put something off for several days because I can't bring myself to make a call.

This phone-a-phobia seems a bit silly. I'm not a timid person. Looking at it logically, no one can beat me up, probably won't yell at me or be unpleasant. They're just phone calls.

Yet my gut wretches at the very idea of the list of calls I have in front of me.

Perhaps this is a bravery issue. Someone I like (and respect) says it's like exercising a muscle. Just make all the calls. White-knuckle it and make the damn calls! Yeah. Yeah. I'll do that. Um. The more I make calls, the more desensitization will take place and eventually making calls won't faze me in the least.

Oh, yeah?

I'm growing feathers. The clucking comes later.

Anyone else experience this? Is there a pill I can take? :)


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Truth-speaking....

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Leave this site and go check out this post. You won't be disappointed!


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Rainy Sunday Afternoon

It's been a while since I've posted here. Frankly, there's not much to say lately. Since I decided to lay down arms, there doesn't seem to be the same need to spew my thoughts and feelings all over the Internet.

It's rainy here and I love every minute of it. Since my thinking has been as shallow as a parking lot puddle lately, I admit to hoping the rain lasts through my birthday tomorrow. It would be a nice little gift from the cosmos.

I've been reading "The Great Awakening: A Buddhist Social Theory" and find it very interesting. It keeps my brain from turning into a bowl of mush. On the other end of the spectrum, I've been gobbling up Sue Grafton books. Occasionally it's worthwhile to get lost in a predictable but well-written story. I've also been watching rather mindless TV ~ such as "The First 48".

There doesn't seem to be much going on politically right now to discuss. Obama has done some things I like ~ and some I don't. Does anyone else notice that it looks like he's aged five years in the past week?

Since my head is an empty vessel, this would be a good time to ask any questions you might have. I'll create posts out of my answers. :)

Hope everyone is doing well ~ and I'll be back when I have something to say.


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Barack Obama's First 100 Days....

Forty eight hours from now, we'll be beyond the glitz and glamor, the charisma and a horribly expensive inaugural celebration. The figure I heard was $150,000,000 for the day of celebration, speeches and parties.

Personally, during a recession, I find that figure repugnant. There are people in this country who haven't had enough food today. There are people in this country who have lost their homes, their credit, their small businesses and their income. In light of that, I would have preferred to see something more low-key.

But setting that aside for the moment, I've been giving some thought to Barack Obama's first 100 days as president and the change so many of us hope to see.

Here are a few things that matter to me.

1) Bring jobs back from foreign countries and give them back to Americans who desperately need them,

2) Sign an executive order to close Gitmo,

3) Come up with a comprehensive plan to withdraw from Iraq without leaving the citizens of Iraq to fend for themselves after having destroyed the entire infrastructure of the country,

4) Order Leon Panetta, the new director of the CIA, to stop all covert activities throughout the world that are intended only to disrupt sovereign governments. It is time to rein in the Directorate of Operations and bring them back to their original purpose which is intelligence gathering,

5) Get a task force together to come up with a workable national health care program.

*and*

6) Show a commitment, not by talk but by action, to bringing this country in alignment with much of the rest of the world in terms of social justice and economic equality.

I think it's important that he realize people are going to be expecting results. Charisma will only get him just so far... and then it's going to be a matter of seeing substantial change. We're not at Martin Luther King's mountain top yet!

So... you. What change do you hope to see right away?

(Just as an aside, you can write a message to Barack Obama at change.gov .. The messages will be compiled and delivered to him.)


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Pull The Lever on the Skinner Box....

Is anyone else out there sensitive to the weather?

When I went for groceries this morning, the clerk presented the usual, supposedly neutral, question, "Are you enjoying the sunny warm days?"

Truthfully, the answer is "no".

I like variety in weather. It is the middle of January. It shouldn't be constantly sunny and in the mid-60s.

(I'm aware of the horrid life-threatening weather in other parts of the country and can imagine those who would happily give me the finger for complaining.. but.. I'm complaining!)

When I left Los Angeles, it was largely because of the 10-year drought. Day after day, the weather was the same. I felt like I was in a Skinner Box.

When I left Tucson, I left because the weather was the same every single day. As they say, Tucson has two seasons: summer and Christmas.

This part of northern California is becoming the same which is part of the reason why I am looking at moving to Humboldt County. There are actually modified seasons there. There's rain.. and fog.. and cooler temperatures during the winter.

What a novel concept!

It has been the same here for so long that I'm beginning to feel like we're stuck in a Groundhog Day sort of universal time glitch.

Meh!

Bring some rain, clouds and cool weather! I want to make soup and cuddle under a blanket. I want to drink tea while listening to the rain fall on the roof.

Pull the lever on the damn Skinner Box already! :)


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Being Fundamentally Lazy....

Stop the war within yourself and you will do the world and humanity the greatest service.

Ajahn Sumanobhikku

I admit to being entirely pleased most days with the freedom that allows me to take it as it comes. My days flow in and out in a very relaxed and pleasant manner. I love being retired and I love owning my time.

Sometimes it goes too far though. It allows me to be blatantly lazy. There's nothing in my world that can't be put off. If I don't feel like doing something, generally I don't!

And as pleasant as that may appear, it has some drawbacks.

The fact that it has gotten out of balance came to my attention under very bright, unforgiving fluorescent lights. When I caught a glimpse in the mirror, I looked like a very tired, very poor and very neglected old woman.

Yug! That's just not me! I may be old.. but I'm not tired, not poor and not neglected!

The reason is that I'd continually put off coloring my hair so that I had three-inch roots of very drab, ugly grey. I looked like a house mouse. The old color had not faded away. I mean.. you can imagine!

Again. Ugh!

I colored my hair the next day so I am back to my ash-blond self.

That is a superficial and shallow example but it does bring to light that certain things need to be done and the freedom to "put it off" is something requiring moderation. It also reveals a deeper message.

Thomas Moore wrote in his book The Care of the Soul that the condition of our surroundings is a reflection of the state of our souls.

We send messages to ourselves and others all the time without even realizing it. In not taking care of my physical appearance, I am sending a message to others that I am not worthy and that neglecting me is quite acceptable.

After all, I neglect myself... on the easy stuff at that! If I'd neglect myself on a 30-minute application of L'Oreal... well.... what must I do on the big things?

(And I am not, not, not! talking about fat/thin, tall/short, or any other natural physical inclination. The most beautiful people I know do not conform to the cultural standard of beauty. This was probably an unnecessary disclaimer since anyone coming here knows I don't hold those views - but just to avoid misunderstanding!)

For the most part, I like my strange little life, surrounded by my unique clutter, my books and things that bring me comfort. I live in a small space ~ just me and the doglet ~ and we do quite well, even with the mess. We are not dirty ~ but we are cluttery.

But these little things, you know. They are the things that reinforce old beliefs.

So that is another thing I must reconcile, another thing requiring discipline on my part and a willingness to give up old messages in favor of affirming, good and soul-feeding messages.

So who do you see when you look in a mirror under fluorescent lights?

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Laying Down Arms....

Cecilieaux left an interesting comment yesterday. He said:

It occurs to me, from this post and the previous one and the new title to you blog that you may be -- we may all be -- closer to "home" than any of us think. We're always counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike and thinking they're all going to look for America ... but they (and we) are all in America already.

He's right. We are closer to home than we might imagine. It is not about Thailand or America or Canada or any physical place. It's about a process.

In a metaphoric way, he defined some of the changes I've been experiencing lately. If anyone has noticed a difference here, yes, it's real. It's not your imagination.

When I said it was time for reconciliation, that comes as a result of a year's worth of internal work. In some ways, it has been like the crumbling of barriers. It has tested and challenged me at some levels I didn't feel capable of reaching.

I no longer feel at war with "the West". It's just gone. While I still have my preferences and my beliefs, I no longer feel so angry. It has taken a lot to get me to this point. Looking back, every bit of it has been worth it. For so long, I couldn't let go of my own wounds, the ones inflicted by an ideology and way of life that neither fed nor nourished me. I was spiritually starving to death. I felt so completely alone in the world. There have been people who have witnessed my pain and stepped forward to help or even just acknowledge.

It is said that to let things go, we need someone to witness our pain three times. Then we have to release it. If we don't, we're choosing to live in the past. We're choosing to live our woundedness.

I don't choose that.

Caroline Myss talks about the three stages of spiritual evolution we all go through. We go through the tribal phase, the individual phase and finally the symbolic phase. That is very consistent with many spiritual teachers, east and west.

My tribal phase was finding Thailand and Thai culture. I needed a group to identify with, a group who shared values and taught me new ones. The tribe provides us with us with a foundation for not only discovering who we are, but who will support us in finding what we need to make our lives whole. I feel firm and secure in my "tribal" identity. My trip there at the beginning of last year confirmed it. I was indeed "at home".

I've learned that common beliefs matter most of all. Ethnicity and heritage are really secondary. There are those of us who can't identify with the ethnic or cultural heritage we were born into. Nothing wrong with that at all as long as we're willing to find something that does. I firmly believe we all need a tribal identity to feel whole. It is the earth beneath our feet.

The second phase, the individual phase, comes when we feel safe enough in our tribal identity to recognize our individual traits. We begin to question.. to pick and choose. We think more critically. I've been doing this with eastern/Thai culture for some time now, looking at the things that resonate for me and the things that don't. I've grown enough to know that my tribe doesn't need to be perfect.

I'd been off-balance most of my life because the individual phase is all I experienced, skipping the tribal phase altogether. There was no foundation, nothing to balance against. Nothing to compare. So I floundered for years and years. If I wanted to allow regret into my life, it would be the years wasted that would bring it.

Finally, we reach the symbolic phase which is where I find myself now, toes barely in the water. I'm learning. And testing. This is the phase during which we are able to identify symbols, to look at them objectively and glean their meaning. We find the root principles there, root principles that are true for everyone in the world, for all cultures and all individuals. Native American culture calls this "the shamanic journey".

We find the freedom to find truth in all traditions. We don't need to discriminate. We don't need to take everything personally. We understand the things that are really about us and the things that are not.

We no longer need to be "right".

There are basic truths that fit for eastern culture, western culture or any culture. That is that we all want to love and be loved. We all want to have meaning, however we define that. We all want to have purpose. We all want to "belong" somewhere... and to some thing.

And the symbols are the same for most of us, even though we might express them differently.

This is just beginning for me so I will try to write something here when a phase begins or ends. For now, I'm basking in the peace of it all.


~*

Come Early Morning....

One of the changes I've made recently is to start each day with something positive and inspirational. I wanted to test it out before writing about it, but I've noticed that it is making a difference.

My room is just how I like it... cluttered with all kinds of personal things... lots of quilts and blankets on the bed, a dim light on the nightstand that glows through stained glass. It all works and when I first wake up, I look at the clock and occasionally turn on the radio. There's a local station here that plays beautiful instrumental music.

When I finally get out of bed and open the bedroom door, sometimes it feels like being hit with a bright light, like an interrogation booth. I don't like mornings generally. I'm not a person who wakes up with enthusiasm for being alive. That's just the truth I live with.

It takes something extra to put me in a frame of mind that will prepare me for dealing with the mental, emotional and physical glare. That's just a personal thing. I believe strongly in starting the day without petty frustrations or negative thoughts. I have a steadfast rule that I do not do problem-solving when I first get up. That is firm and non-negotiable.

Over the months, I've collected quite a set of DVDs. I have everything from Caroline Myss to Marianne Williamson, the Dalai Lama to Wayne Dyer. I also have some very good movies and DVDs of people doing Tai Chi, QiGong and other fluid, beautiful movement. There are even a few things I listen to on YouTube. If it inspires me, I have it ~ regardless of its cultural origins. If it's good, it's good.

I make some tea and sit in a comfortable chair, put in one of the DVDs and listen. Each day, I pick the one that seems most appropriate, depending on my frame of mind. It usually takes 45 minutes or so before I feel ready to deal with the computer, the news or the outside world.

It doesn't matter how long we choose to take with this sort of thing. It can be five minutes or forty-five. I know people who only take five minutes. There are people like me who often take an hour. The point is that I've noticed my attitude has improved and when I do have to go out or deal with something unpleasant, it doesn't cause me to act in an unpleasant way.

The beginning of the day is when our minds are most open.. and when we are most vulnerable. It only makes good sense to feed ourselves with something emotionally and spiritually nourishing.

Do you have a similar morning routine?


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It's a Love Issue..... And Sometimes Love is Tough...

"Think about what you're really hungry for..."

Today when I watched the first segment of Oprah's "Best Life" series, I was struck by the simple truth of what she had to say. Ordinarily, I am not much of an Oprah fan because she simplifies very complex issues and doesn't seem to follow through.

Yet, in this case, I found the simplicity to be right on target. It really is that simple.

For those of us who are addicts of any kind ~ drugs, food, booze, relationships, ideas ~ you name it, the aphorism fits. It's a love issue. In my case, I switched an addiction to alcohol to an addiction to food. I use food inappropriately to fill me up in ways that can be filled in other healthier and more satisfying ways with a bit of mindfulness on my part.

Over the past month or so, I have gained five pounds. I don't have holiday parties or family gatherings to blame. I gained five pounds because I stuffed my face inappropriately. I felt isolated and the food comforted me. So every time my housemate baked fudge and cupcakes, I ate too many of them.

I paid attention to my body early this evening after having watched the show to really determine if I was actually hungry for food - or was I hungry for something else? I've eaten plenty today and there's no logical reason to want food. My body doesn't need food. My spirit needs comfort. My spirit needs love. And I need to love more openly.

So I thought I'd toss that out for everyone to consider. When you are hungry, feeling unfulfilled, what is it you are really hungry for? When you want a drink, what do you really want? When you feel like lighting another joint, what do you really need? When you tolerate unhealthy relationships in your life, how is it feeding you?

Armed with that information, we stand a much better chance of losing the grip of addiction. There are ways to fill our needs without destructive behavior.

Speaking only for me, I think we have to make a real commitment to stopping these behaviors. When things hurt, suck it up. When someone makes us mad, suck it up. When things feel bad, suck it up. When we feel isolated or alone, call someone. Watch TV. Listen to a radio show. When we feel stuck, move. Just move.

Better yet, learn to listen to our legitimate hungers and learn new ways to satisfy them. Getting on the phone for ten minutes to cure loneliness is much better than pulling out a carton of Ben and Jerry's.

I have recently set up a "buddy list" for those of us who find ourselves instantly heading for the refrigerator when things get tough. If it takes off, I'll write more about it here. (Things advertised on Craigslist rarely take off.. so I have no expectations.) I'm willing to let go of this fat ~ something that has protected me for a very long time ~ which I no longer need. This isn't about will power. It's not about determination, goal-setting or white knuckling. It's about transformation. It's about willingness to change and acceptance that sometimes we need to give up old coping mechanisms that may have been appropriate at one time ~ but not now. It no longer fits who I am today.


Peace,


~Chani
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Coming Out of Standby Mode....

Wow. From the looks of things, I haven't posted much here in December. A lot of it was retreating, taking some time out of the mainstream (so to speak) and a lot of it was just plain old-fashioned avoidance.

This past season was one of the easier ones I've had in several years. A large part of it is that I used avoidance rather freely. Avoidance can be a good tool!

But I'm coming out of standby mode. The holidays are over. I'm glad to be back to "normalcy" because it gives me an opportunity to take care of lots of things without all the interruptions.

I've made the decision to actively choose a new place to live, to get out more to increase my involvement with other people and meaningful projects and... I've decided to file bankruptcy.

I ran it around in my head for quite a while and it seems to be the best option. I created a lot of debt last year and can't keep up with the payments. It's not just lousy money management on my part, although that's certainly part of it. Additionally though, some events that took place and cost me money I didn't plan on spending. Medical expenses and other unexpected drains on my finances took serious hold during the last four or five months of the year. This is happening all over the place right now... with hundreds and thousands of people.

It's no small decision for anyone. The consequences are serious. I'll have a crappy credit rating for the next 7 years and will not be able to make any major purchases. But the essence of who I am is not my FICO score or my possessions. My peace in this world is not dependent on a 750 credit score. In the end, it simply doesn't matter.

Sometimes we have to make these decisions and move on. Life happens. I should add that I am at peace with it. I lived without credit for over 20 years and did perfectly well. The main thing is to not get caught up in negativity about it.. or let it affect the way I see myself, the world or other people.

These things happen. Trying to control the outcome and fret about it will only create unnecessary unhappiness. I choose to be happy and content in my world, even when things don't go as I wish they would. We can choose to be content, even with a tanking economy and all the world's problems. We can choose to be content because in the end, we still have life ~ and we have each other.


Peace,


~Chani

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