Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Kwan pah sahk...

Kwan pah sahk....

Basically, that means "splitting hard wood with an axe" ~ coming clean ~ telling the truth.

I've gotten way out of balance. This afternoon I took a fairly long walk (it's relatively warm here) and began to evaluate why I feel so off-kilter, so lacking in the ease and contentment that has been a part of my life at the minimum since June 2005 when I retired.

I adopted my Thai lifestyle before that, although not as radically as I live it now.

And I've been getting away from that. Granted, there are some things I've needed to work out to put past things behind me but I am getting into a morass that may be difficult to get out of if I don't put the brakes on it.

I've been obsessing about this goddam blog too much!

Today, I was agitated and restless because I felt inadequate, that I hadn't performed well enough and got sucked back into a way of thinking that should have been long since left behind. I have gotten into a precarious personal state of mind. I had trouble concentrating and felt panicky. I know where that leads.. and I'm not going there. I have clinical depression and am headed for a big fall without taking necessary steps. The beginning signs are already present.

It's going to stop. Here. Now. The obsessing. The wondering. The insecurity. The fear. Now. Here. Today.

The reason I began this blog is because some Internet friends on one of my email lists found some interest in my lifestyle and thought others would enjoy it as well. While it is somewhat unimaginable why anyone would be even remotely interested, I allowed the flattery to influence me and kicked this thing on.

And I'm keeping it.

But I absolutely must go back to its original intent which was to meet likeminded others, to share the joys of this lifestyle with others, to document some of my experiences in existing in what seems like a foreign world now since adopting a new set of cultural values and customs. Of course, I still consider politics, religion and personal subjects as appropriate because those are all related to my choice and how I implement these customs and beliefs into my daily life.

Instead of sticking to the original intent, I've allowed myself to get into high school mode, worrying about whether I am "accepted" or whether I am "liked" enough. Every blasted insecurity I've ever had has been coming to the surface since a few weeks before Christmas. My bad. My fault. No one else's. It was me making me miserable. Just the same, I need to correct my thinking and actions. Just like quitting any other unhealthy behavior, sometimes it means cold turkey. The first step is that I will give one hour in the morning to writing this blog. I will give one hour in the evening for reading and commenting. Not a minute more. While this activity is important to me, I have to keep it in perspective.

So, I hope that those who are still around will stick around, that the things I have to say will be of interest and I will do my best (within reason) to make this a fun, interesting and occasionally challenging place to visit. I hope you will still comment and allow me to comment on your blogs. There are some people I've met through this effort whom I respect and admire, consider cyberfriends, and I don't want that to change.

But for now, until I get my balance and perspective back, this is the best I can do.




Dogwalkmusings said...

You rule. Not the blog. Your posts are always thought provoking and interesting reading. Keep it as a point of enjoyment. Otherwise what's the purpose?

Don't worry about those who've left and relish those who have stayed.

meno said...

good for you for figuring out what is bothering you and then takung steps to "cure" it.

I'll be here,

-another wallflower

KC said...

chani-I'm sorry you've been having those feelings. but, I'm glad you are trying to put things into perspective. That's one thing I really admire about you is your ability to constantly reflect and adjust your course to become ever more wise and enlightened.

Anvilcloud said...

Seems like a good decision to me. It's nice just to get to know people somtimes and not worry about achieving.

Lotta said...

I think that is a normal part of blogging. I went through it and then it became an excercise in getting past my old high school responses. I decided I was putting it out there and people would love it or hate it. I would never have had that kind of courage in highschool. Good for you for reflecting on it. I love how you think!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Chani. It's complicated, isn't it? I had to go to a MOMS Club meeting this morning, only a few minutes from my house, and I didn't want to go and couldn't get there without crying. The blogs are getting to me - I'm not smart enough, can't write, no one likes my comments... I'm fighting with my husband about the kids and the money...The inner voice is telling me that I have no friends, I have nothing to contribute to the world, blah, blah, blah. I ate half a box of peanut butter girl scout cookies in the afternoon. Even though I'm aware, I'm still out of control.

I think the blogs can be a really, really tough place - there's a lot of love, but sometimes, for a person like me, and maybe you too, there's not enough to go around, or it doesn't come at the right time. I hope setting the time guidelines works for you. It has helped me, when I stick to it.

Enough about ME! It's a strong, brave thing to recognize what's happening as a result of "kicking it on," and to reevaluate and focus. Your best is pretty great, lady.

jen said...

chani, i'll take you any way i can get you.

and bravo. i know how you've wrestled with this, and it sounds like you took the control right back in a glorious way.

Juliness said...

Well said! Balance is so important...and so easy to let slip. Bravo for identifying the disproportion and correcting it without giving up something you enjoy. Thank you for sharing this struggle so openly, we all have walked this path or will before long.

Lucia said...

Good for you. It's so important to stop ourselves from going down these roads and to figure it out.

Your intent is good and strong, and it'll get better not to get swayed by approval and flattery, eh?

Melissa said...

Chani I enjoy your posts...I just don't understand why you or anyone obsesses over these things.

Keep writing, I would miss you if you didn't, but like you have said yourself, take it for what it is!

QT said...

Chani - I too love coming here and I often click on the link to your page from mine with zero expectations because everyday you post about something so different, how could I have an expectation about it?

I have feelings, and I like the people who I read every day, but ultimately I don't stress too much about my own blog. It is really there for me and the people who stop by are a great side benefit. I have always been kind of a "loner" that just does my own thing and along the way I meet people. I wouldn't expect this electronic experiment to be any different.

I hear you on the time limits, tho. Otherwise, you forget about your own "real" life!

The Atavist said...

Whatever you write about is interesting to me. I enjoy your Thai -flavoured servings but also like to read your perspective on the human condition generally.

Don't stop.

Thailand Gal said...

Mari, thanks. I lose sight of that. I'm always thinking in terms of "performing". It's old thinking, part of how I was raised... and every now and then I need a spiritual kick in the butt to get my thinking back on track.


Meno, there was just no choice. It was either figure a solution or shut this thing down. There are certainly things I just don't want to experience anymore.


KC, thanks. As I said, your validation means a lot. You seem, in the cyberworld anyway, to be someone is has her stuff together.


Anvil, I know you're right.


Lotta, I had No Courage in high school. It is one of those experiences that left its fair share of scars ~ and, yes, it is time to get over it.


De, I could write a book on your comment alone. Sometimes I think this stinking culture promotes that lack of confidence. In order to sell crap products and keep us in the produce-and-consume loop, everything causes us to doubt ourselves. If we were emotionally self-sufficient, we wouldn't need "them".

But, from what I've seen, you have a very good way with others and present ideas on your blog in a subtle yet meaningful way. That is why I continue visiting. :)


Jen, it's not a completed project.. but at least I have a general outline. :)


Juli, we all walk this together. I do believe that. Anyone who says they have no insecurities is either a sociopath or a liar. :)


Lucia, it is easy to get sucked in by flattery. Hm. Another post. (grin)


Melissa, good view.. and I hear you. Why do some of us obsess? It's perfectionism.. and I also admit to being a control freak. Bottom line: It's all just insecurity.


QT, having this for "me" is something I can't grasp. I enjoy it as an activity but I feel a tremendous responsibility to be mindful of what I put out, knowing at times that I will fail and dish out crap. It's the control freak thing again. I hate taking chances that something I consider good will be crap to someone else. Looking for approval? I guess so. :)


Atavist, I like yours, too. There is something very appealing about reading everyday situations in the context of a libertarian perspective. My ex-husband is a libertarian and I used to really enjoy listening to him, too. There are things I agree with ~ and things I don't ~ but I always like listening.


Thanks, everyone :)



Melissa said...

I really appreciate your honesty about yourself!

Patricia said...

I know from the inside where you're coming from on this, Chani. I've been keeping a web jouranl and/or blog for seven years now and there were times when it took over my life.

It's like eating peanuts: once you go down that rather addictive path of self-criticism, it can be hard to stop.

So now you're going to limit yourself to one hour in the morning and one hour in the afternoon. When I've gotten caught in it, going cold turkey for about a week was most helpful. It cut my craving. I also found a life-beyond-blogs.

But you'll see what works best for you. Good luck with your effort! Your sense of groundedness is more important than any of us readers. Don't let us suck you dry.

Bob said...

Bravo! I too suffer from depression and know how hard the battle can be. I am certainly sticking around and welcome you at mine anytime.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for helping me understand.I have often felt I had depression,but I was to "afraid"to seek treatment because of the stereotype of a crazy person,or a weak person who doesn't have control.I hate my job,but I know I can't get paid this much anywhere else,so i'm stuck in a rut.I love my lifestyle but I HATE working 50 hrs. on an assembly line. keep postin!