Kwan pah sahk...

Kwan pah sahk....

Basically, that means "splitting hard wood with an axe" ~ coming clean ~ telling the truth.

I've gotten way out of balance. This afternoon I took a fairly long walk (it's relatively warm here) and began to evaluate why I feel so off-kilter, so lacking in the ease and contentment that has been a part of my life at the minimum since June 2005 when I retired.

I adopted my Thai lifestyle before that, although not as radically as I live it now.

And I've been getting away from that. Granted, there are some things I've needed to work out to put past things behind me but I am getting into a morass that may be difficult to get out of if I don't put the brakes on it.

I've been obsessing about this goddam blog too much!

Today, I was agitated and restless because I felt inadequate, that I hadn't performed well enough and got sucked back into a way of thinking that should have been long since left behind. I have gotten into a precarious personal state of mind. I had trouble concentrating and felt panicky. I know where that leads.. and I'm not going there. I have clinical depression and am headed for a big fall without taking necessary steps. The beginning signs are already present.

It's going to stop. Here. Now. The obsessing. The wondering. The insecurity. The fear. Now. Here. Today.

The reason I began this blog is because some Internet friends on one of my email lists found some interest in my lifestyle and thought others would enjoy it as well. While it is somewhat unimaginable why anyone would be even remotely interested, I allowed the flattery to influence me and kicked this thing on.

And I'm keeping it.

But I absolutely must go back to its original intent which was to meet likeminded others, to share the joys of this lifestyle with others, to document some of my experiences in existing in what seems like a foreign world now since adopting a new set of cultural values and customs. Of course, I still consider politics, religion and personal subjects as appropriate because those are all related to my choice and how I implement these customs and beliefs into my daily life.

Instead of sticking to the original intent, I've allowed myself to get into high school mode, worrying about whether I am "accepted" or whether I am "liked" enough. Every blasted insecurity I've ever had has been coming to the surface since a few weeks before Christmas. My bad. My fault. No one else's. It was me making me miserable. Just the same, I need to correct my thinking and actions. Just like quitting any other unhealthy behavior, sometimes it means cold turkey. The first step is that I will give one hour in the morning to writing this blog. I will give one hour in the evening for reading and commenting. Not a minute more. While this activity is important to me, I have to keep it in perspective.

So, I hope that those who are still around will stick around, that the things I have to say will be of interest and I will do my best (within reason) to make this a fun, interesting and occasionally challenging place to visit. I hope you will still comment and allow me to comment on your blogs. There are some people I've met through this effort whom I respect and admire, consider cyberfriends, and I don't want that to change.

But for now, until I get my balance and perspective back, this is the best I can do.

Peace,


~Chani