The Tree of Forgiveness....

This post is about forgiveness and receiving forgiveness (which I call lovingkindness), prompted by Julie's question of the week.

When I received lovingkindness in the past, I didn't recognize it as a gift. In my immaturity, I believed it was the same as absolution, the same as saying my actions were okay, that I wouldn't be held accountable in this life or the next.

When I was in my early 20s, I was not a person anyone in their right mind would want to know. I was a low-functioning alcoholic with some pretty serious emotional issues.

My boyfriend at the time, Dan, and I were living together.

To put it as honestly as I know how, I treated him horribly. I was unreliable, unpredictable, unappreciative and exploitative. So, yes, I do know what it is to be a rotten human being. And without qualification, that is what I'd become. Rotten, selfish, inconsiderate and completely without regard for the feelings of others. Blaming the booze would be a cop-out. I think the booze just allowed me to reveal the darkest parts of me. You know, we all have a dark side but we choose how to express it. There are acceptable ways to do that.

I never chose an acceptable way.

I used Dan. These days, I can admit that. He provided me with security, gave me money, took care of me and demanded very little in return. Sometimes I look back and think he was experiencing what some women do when they are drawn to "bad boys". There was an excitement in being with someone as emotionally labile as I was, someone who created more drama than Paramount Studios and who just plain abused him.

I think he wanted to "save" me.

That is probably fairly close to the truth. I can say that with a degree of confidence because when I got sober, he lost interest in me. That's fairly standard. The dynamic of relationships change when one person gets sober.

When I'd been sober for a few years, I called him. He seemed legitimately happy to hear from me but also cautious.

The first thing I said was, "I've been sober for two years now..."

That was to assure him that I wasn't calling to create more drama.

Within my limited understanding of the concept of forgiveness at that time, I recited my wrongs to him like a litany and asked for his forgiveness.

In sobriety circles, it's called doing the ninth step. "We made direct amends to people we'd harmed, except when to do so would harm them or others."

Truthfully, I didn't know what the hell I was doing because I was still living on the edge of my own insanity. The only real difference is that I wasn't drinking. That doesn't mean my behavior was that much better. It was better controlled but certainly not eliminated completely. I was still very dramatic and immature. Everything was over the top.

Now when I look back on it, I realize what a gift he truly gave me. And it wasn't absolution. He was willing to put aside my imperfections, to understand that I'd made serious mistakes but in admitting them was making a commitment to change. He knew I didn't know exactly how to do that but the willingness meant something. The recognition that I needed to change was a relief to him. And he was smart enough to not even consider any further relationship with me. But he wished me well ~ and that meant a lot.

I'm very grateful for all the lovingkindness I've received in my life. There's no doubt that my background is one that is filled with quite a history of bad choices and equally bad behavior. Now that I'm older, I recognize what it means to be forgiven. I know how hard it is to put aside the wrongs of the past and let them go. Now that I have been in a position to offer lovingkindness to others, I know what it takes to give the gift I was offered freely and ill-deserved without conditions.

It may be just about as close to "godliness" as we humans can possibly get.

To let go.

To believe in another person enough to forgive.

To recognize our own frailty enough to know that lovingkindness is essential.

Yeah. Godliness. That's it.

Peace,


~Chani
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How does everyone like the new look around here? Isn't it beautiful?

It was created by TTQ. She talked with me by email to find out what I would like, read a lot of my archives to see what kind of person I am and designed this for me. It is just incredible to have someone make that much effort, to be that considerate, that caring about what I would like. For the record, I love it! Thank you, Linda. :)

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