Saturday, February 02, 2008

The Dangling Conversation....

Looks like I went off the beam again yesterday.

I apologize.

It appeared to me that I was being "punished" in a sense for my lack of commenting. When the site remained inactive for 16 hours, it just sent me over the edge.

I suppose some would say that on some level, I must feel so guilty for *not* commenting that I would assume I'd be punished. That would be fairly consistent with who I am.

And truthfully, I do feel bad about it but I'm stuck with the condition for now. I wasn't exaggerating about the page load. This is like typing through tar.

At any rate, I apologize for my (as usual) going off half-cocked without checking my facts. I read all of your comments and I listened.

The truth is that it is very hard for me to accept that I will have to leave here one day, this place where I am surrounded by so much acceptance and love and come back there where my life is, frankly speaking, less than satisfying.

I can try from now until the day I die ~ and I will never fit in over there. I will never be surrounded by the kind of community I have here.

It's hard to say why I found it here and I have my opinions. Simply put I think it's that people are important here. They need each other. People are more important than time, busy-ness and making money. Because of that, they are less likely to put someone out of the herd because they're a bit different. The expectations aren't so high and the price for acceptance isn't quite as high. They don't demand as much. That isn't to say they don't have standards we're all expected to meet ~ but the standards are very different. If you are a kind and considerate person, you'll likely be accepted without question.

This is really too big a subject for me to address right now but I will after my thoughts are more congealed. All I know is that the idea of coming back there is breaking me apart. It's like being asked to go back to prison after a few weeks of freedom.



Jen said...

You came up more quickly this time. ;-)

You know what, I think there is cultural diversity along with biological diversity so that we all have a home of some sort. And just as some folks are born in the wrong body, some are born into the wrong culture. Bravo for finding your *home*.

And I don't comment on blogs so that the blogger will comment on mine - I read blogs and comment on them because that blogger gives me joy during my day. I like reading what the person has to say. Period.

Huge hugs to you!

Jen said...

Oops! And I meant the bit about the blogging thing this way - reading your blog, Chani, gives me joy. Every. Day. And that's a great gift. So I thank you. ;-)

Anonymous said...

I read you every time I read everyone else, Chani...had a power outage for a day around these parts. Travel safely and rest well...

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Those feelings of going back to prison are the flip side of your trip home, and the fact that you expected them doesn't make it easier.

I'm glad you realized that you do in fact have a lot of loving support here as well as there which has nothing to do with your preference for being there.

All the comments to this blog that I've read echo my own feelings of caring about you and wanting you to find your happiness. I think that the trade agreement bloggers do not visit your site very often. YOUR people are happy to know you and to share with you, and I think we all hope to be able to continue doing so.

ewe are here said...

I wonder if the different time zone has any effect on comments...?

I'm sorry you're dreading your return.

Mariposa said...

Hi Chani...will see how efficient my mobilephone is...and if my comment will get through. I'm feeling so lost too these days...'til I got Jen's email and then read her comment here...what a relief!

I wish nothing but the best for you...I will try to be back in the blogosphere soon too!

Ciao for now!


storyteller said...

"Kabir says this: just throw away all thoughts of imaginary things, and stand firm in that which you are."
Although I've not been visiting as often as I once did due to a variety of distractions, I do check in periodically to see what you're up to and you never disappoint. I left you something at Sacred Ruminations in my January 29th post because YOU Make MY Day! May you enjoy the remainder of your trip and return refreshed for whatever comes next.
Hugs and blessings,

Mary said...

Chani - I see a message on your sidebar, "Blogging without Obligation". I think all of us need to think about it.

I think you have found a happy place and I'm sorry that you will return to a place you can't call home.

Girlplustwo said...

i am glad you are back. when i travel and am not blogging or commenting virtually no one reads my blog - it made me realize what an interdependent thing blogging really is. whether that's good or not, i don't know, but it simply is.

i am glad you are back!

Anonymous said...

How interesting. Not sure when you put this up (I'm weighing in on Friday evening, February 1, 11:34pm, EST) as I have a tendency to not pay attention to blogger date and time stamps but I spoke about acceptance the other day, the need for a cultivation of appreciation for beingness diverse from ourselves...excuse me, just rambling. Just a bit surprised and taken aback by the synchronicity.

I understand the "going back to prison" feeling all too well.


Life can be hard to bear.


Christine said...

chani--i so wish that i could just pack up your stuff and send it to thailand so you can stay where you are happy. enjoy the remainder f your trip and remember that you'll go back soon. . .

Running on empty

Anonymous said...


I totally understand why you reacted that way. I, personally, however, wasn't reading any blogs yesterday because I was spending the day with my family.

I am sorry you have that feeling of dread to return home, a feeling you and I both know only too well.