Transitions...

This is a picture of the beach I'll be seeing outside my window when I've moved.

Thanks to those of you who wrote to check on me. I'm okay.

This past few weeks have been filled with shedding old skin for new. Not long ago, I was reading a book by Thomas Moore called "Care of the Soul". In it, he tells us that the state of our environment is often a reflection of the state of our souls.

That stuck in my mind. It was difficult to get it out of my mind, kind of like a piece of music that gets stuck in our heads. Now it makes sense.

Since I am planning a move to Crescent City, I've been sorting through all sorts of old stuff in the house. There's not a lot of room for moving things in my small Toyota. Traveling light is necessary. No room for old baggage. This move is more than just changing locations. It is also a symbolic way of closing the door on the past.

I'm good at compartmentalizing!

As this stuff shifts out of my life, I am feeling lighter and lighter. Sometimes I look at something and think "why the hell did I ever buy this?" There are things in this house that actually feel burdened and heavy on their own. It's as though there is a film of negativity attached to the items themselves.

If it wasn't for some expensive electronics, I'd be tempted to walk out of here with just a few suitcases and a box of favorite books. Realistically though, the cookware and the electronics would all be difficult to replace so that stuff will come along. My TV is new. With the digital/analog thing going on, I bought a new digital TV. Too costly to abandon it. Same with the computer.

As for the rest of it, if it no longer serves me, it's gone. The WEAVE Thrift Shop has been getting bags and boxes from me for the last two weeks. I've sold some things on Craigslist also.

Do you know that I had over 200 CDs? Of course you didn't - but I did. No human being needs 200+ CDs! Most of them haven't been played in years. They're musical genres that no longer interest me or I got them home and didn't like them. I also had over 100 videotapes. Who has a VCR anymore?

I also had things I've been carrying around for twenty-five years or more and haven't looked at some of it in ten years. Example: an old Minolta camera with all the accessories. Now I have a digital camera.

It's gone.

This is a spiritual project as well as a physical one. It is affecting how I see the world and my place in it. The lightness of having very few material possessions is freeing.

Each article that comes into my new home in Crescent City will be chosen mindfully and carefully. I'll have it because I love it, not because it's something I picked up at a yard sale without any particular thought, something that just "happened" in here or something I acquired out of momentary necessity.

I will do the same with ideas, people and beliefs.

The condition of my environment will reflect the state of my soul. Unburdened, free and open to experience. Weightlessness.

So. It's been a while. What is everyone up to? I will be sure to visit all your sites again very soon.



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Eight Is More Than Enough.....

I'm sure by now everyone has heard about the woman in Southern California who had fertility treatments and gave birth to eight children.

I'm doing my best to refrain from some rather colorful remarks. The entire thing appalls me.

But setting that aside, it's hard to fathom anyone choosing to have eight children when she already has six others, three of whom have special needs.

Her statement? "I'll be there for all of my children" and "I've always wanted a big family."

That is naive thinking that has no place in the mind of a woman her age. At some point, someone has to call it what it really is: wrong.

She is a single woman, no husband or boyfriend involved. She lives at her parents' house. She hasn't yet completed her degree. She has no job and no income.

As old-fashioned as it may sound, there comes a point when people need to grow up and understand they can't have everything they want, simply because they want it. Making the decision to have fourteen children is irresponsible and, dare I say it?, stupid. Her reasoning is that she wanted "more people to love me". What? Are her children responsible for seeing to it that her needs are met? She grew up as a single child and always wanted a large family. Just the same, I always thought it was the other way around. We are there to meet the needs of our children.

But she wants. She needs. She wants to be loved. She. She. She. I. I. I. Me. Me. Me.

There is no way she will be able to provide the attention to all of those children they require, regardless of the idealistic view she might have of it. She will not be able to "be there" for all of them. Her three special needs children require more attention than an average child. Her special needs children are developmentally disabled which means they will probably be dependent on her for life. The other three, I suppose, will be tasked with taking care of the babies when the mother goes to school or work. And, of course, the grandparents. Children should be free to go out and play, go to school and be kids. It's not their job to raise their siblings.

Call me old-fashioned if you will but I believe adults need to make responsible decisions ~ but there it is. They need to sift through information and make decisions based on what can realistically be done, no matter what their feelings might be.

This is one of those cases where it might be in the best interests of the children to be removed from the home and adopted out to parents who have the means, the desire and the availability to raise them.

So.. what say you?

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Ain't Nobody's Business ....

I was blog-surfing a while ago and ran across a good post by Ian at Or So I Thought. He was writing about the latest obsession with people's weight, specifically Jessica Simpson's weight, and I found my comment getting longer and longer so I brought it here. Fortunately, he was able to address it with some humor.

There have been endless reports about Jessica Simpson and I've quickly turned them off. It's ranked up there with Casey Anthony and Michael Phelps for wall-to-wall coverage.

I find the whole obsession with body size and perfection to be so immature and silly that I can barely muster even a yawn. It's like listening to a bunch of grade school kids on the playground, picking on one of the kids so they can all feel better about themselves.

It is also the product of a spoiled people and a superficial culture. When most of the world's people don't have clean drinking water or enough food, I find this focus on achieving personal "perfection" to be just a little bit self-indulgent.

As a plus-sized woman (barely - I'm a size 16/18 and mention that for a reason), I can't tell you how sick and tired I am of hearing this topic, usually peppered with charming descriptors like "heifer", "lard ass", "fat pig" or other things I won't even mention because I don't use that kind of language on this site.

It's time to grow up, folks!

We really need to be putting more effort into accepting each other as we are - and stop picking at each other because we don't meet some arbitrary standard of perfection established by some marketing weenie who wants to sell stuff. That's all it is. I've lived long enough to see these trends come and go. If suddenly some moron on Madison Avenue decided that "Rubenesque" was 'in style' because it would sell more products, we wouldn't need a stimulus package. There would be so much eating going on everywhere that the economy would recover in two months! Sheep follow trends.

We all know there are health risks with obesity (which Jessica Simpson clearly is not). We know what they are. The information is readily available. In fact, it's shoved down our throats by every pop culture icon with a talk show on a regular basis. The truth is that it is a topic to be discussed with one's doctor, not fodder for gossipy gaggles of uninformed, small-minded people who find it necessary to denigrate others so they'll feel superior. If someone wants to feel superior, maybe they should concentrate on their own character development and make themselves worthy of it.

That's my way of saying my weight.. or Jessica Simpson's... is no one else's business! For those who find it necessary to look at and criticize other people for minor flaws, I'd suggest reading a book, phoning a friend, get involved with a cause, do something for someone else. Picking at others only makes the one doing it look silly, immature and - dare I say it? - not very bright.

Grow up! There's lots of important work to be done. Get busy!

Sorry.. but that's how I see it.

~*

Grace in Small Things?

Okay. I'm coming out of the closet.

Lately, I've been reading (and enjoying) the "Grace in Small Things" posts that many have been doing. I'd love to be doing them, too.

But the truth is.... I don't find grace in everyday things. Sometimes grace is found in small things, sure, but not everyday things.

Most of everyday life feels to me to be a combination of frustration and busy work. It's petty problem-solving and maintenance. It's drip-drip-drip.

I know it's not "cool" to say that.. or to admit seeing it that way. In some regards, it probably sounds a bit devaluing and perhaps even arrogant. After all, I should be able to find it. I've filled my head with Thomas Moore and others who write on the topic of finding the sacredness in everyday life.

And it just doesn't seem very meaningful. It doesn't resonate.

I find grace in nature. That is my refuge. I love growing things, the creation of nature and amazing geography. Waterfalls and oceans. Mountains. Animals. Plants. Flowers. Beautiful trees. They scream out "sacred".

I find grace in big things ~ in miracles which I believe occur regularly. There is grace and beauty in the animal world, in extraordinary acts of ordinary human beings. Acts of kindness. People who consistently put something else ahead of themselves. Passion for causes and a desire to make the world a better, more equitable, place.

One of my greatest fears is being stuck in a "Groundhog Day" existence of problem-solving, busy work and life maintenance. I'm a casualty of "Babbit". I read that book way back in high school and frankly it scared the living hell out of me. I vowed then and there that I would make sure my life didn't resemble Babbit's with his pathetic lament, "I never did a single thing I wanted to do." (For those who don't remember, that comment was made when giving advice to his son upon his marriage. Babbit's complaint was that he'd never done a single thing he wanted to do because he gave in to social expectations and householder responsibilities.)

My life is very controlled in many ways. Bills are paid automatically. Everything that can be automated has been clicked into place and the system flows seamlessly. Most of the time. As I mentioned in a previous post, a phone call doesn't even come into this house without my controlling who, when and under what circumstances.

On the other hand, even though the control can be a good thing from the standpoint of organization, I may have built such high walls that things are kept out that should be let in. There should be a better balance.

This is perhaps my greatest weakness (some might even say 'character flaw') and I admitted to a friend a while back that the karma is terrifying. What if the universe decides I need to learn next time about accepting responsibilities gracefully?

Ugh. You know. Just ugh! When I see how most people have to live, it terrifies me. It terrifies me for them.

This isn't permission to be irresponsible and I'm not. I keep my agreements. The thing is that I keep a very tight lid on how many agreements I'll make and the circumstances of them.

I've been given the greatest gift of any lifetime.. and that is the ownership of my time. There's not a single day that I don't wake up and thank God/Buddha/The Universe/Deity of Choice for that gift. I'm determined to not abuse it.

Still... I suspect I'd be a more mature, wiser and perhaps even better person if I was able to find the grace in everyday life.. and opened up to it a bit more, without the ironclad control.

~*

Facebook and Blogging....

Well, I have to speak my truth.

Facebook just doesn't do it for me. It's been a few months now and while it is nice to see snippet updates from people, it doesn't have the "hook" that draws me in. In general, it appears to be just another shallow social networking site with people competing in a marketplace environment to up their number of friends, parlor games and quippy comments.

Meh. Maybe I'm just too old. I miss substantial conversation over tea, metaphorically speaking, and what occurs on sites like that seems to be a passing wave at best. I want to ask "how are you doing" and get a real answer.

I'm not interested in popularity contests, tagging or quipping. I'm not good at any of that. Perhaps this is a consequence of my own introverted nature ~ or perhaps it's because it fits a trend I don't like seeing develope further; instant food, instant intimacy and disposable people.

I posed the question on Facebook ~ whether it is replacing blogging. If that is the case, I would find that most unfortunate. Blogging is a meal, not a gourmet meal.. not a perfectly healthy meal.. but a meal. Facebook is fast food. It's social McDonald's. Drive up, get it fast and gobble it down while on the way to doing something else.

I'd be curious to know your thoughts on this.


~*

Phone-a-phobia.....

In case it isn't an already-established fact, I'm a bit of a wacko.

This morning, I am sitting here with a list of calls to make ~ all of them toward a positive end, all of them for a good purpose, non-threatening. They are not call centers with the multi-layered "if you want this, push that" call-routing systems.

I can't bring myself to pick up the phone.

I hate making phone calls. As in really hate it!

Receiving them is fine, although I recognize that I tightly control incoming calls. Everyone who calls me knows they don't have to ask "are you available?" If I'm not, I don't answer. There are times when my phone is unplugged for days. Any time the phone gets picked up around here, I welcome the call.

This is something my housemate, as an example, can't understand. More than once she's said, "you can't just unplug your phone!" She looked at me with horror in her eyes because she honestly believes her phone is for the convenience of others.

Really? Watch me.

Frankly, I wish everyone else would do the same thing. The "are you available" dance is really rather annoying.

"Are you available to talk right now?"

"Actually, no. I'm on the other line" or "Actually, no. I'm just getting ready to go out."

Then don't answer the phone. There's this new invention called "voicemail". Even old folks like me know how to use it.

And I'll spare everyone the call-waiting rant.

...

Making a phone call shouldn't be quite so challenging. But it is!

Many people probably think I don't like them or I'm disinterested because I don't call. That's not true. Many people might think I'm flaky because I don't get things done on time or efficiently. It's not unusual to put something off for several days because I can't bring myself to make a call.

This phone-a-phobia seems a bit silly. I'm not a timid person. Looking at it logically, no one can beat me up, probably won't yell at me or be unpleasant. They're just phone calls.

Yet my gut wretches at the very idea of the list of calls I have in front of me.

Perhaps this is a bravery issue. Someone I like (and respect) says it's like exercising a muscle. Just make all the calls. White-knuckle it and make the damn calls! Yeah. Yeah. I'll do that. Um. The more I make calls, the more desensitization will take place and eventually making calls won't faze me in the least.

Oh, yeah?

I'm growing feathers. The clucking comes later.

Anyone else experience this? Is there a pill I can take? :)


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Truth-speaking....

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Leave this site and go check out this post. You won't be disappointed!


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Rainy Sunday Afternoon

It's been a while since I've posted here. Frankly, there's not much to say lately. Since I decided to lay down arms, there doesn't seem to be the same need to spew my thoughts and feelings all over the Internet.

It's rainy here and I love every minute of it. Since my thinking has been as shallow as a parking lot puddle lately, I admit to hoping the rain lasts through my birthday tomorrow. It would be a nice little gift from the cosmos.

I've been reading "The Great Awakening: A Buddhist Social Theory" and find it very interesting. It keeps my brain from turning into a bowl of mush. On the other end of the spectrum, I've been gobbling up Sue Grafton books. Occasionally it's worthwhile to get lost in a predictable but well-written story. I've also been watching rather mindless TV ~ such as "The First 48".

There doesn't seem to be much going on politically right now to discuss. Obama has done some things I like ~ and some I don't. Does anyone else notice that it looks like he's aged five years in the past week?

Since my head is an empty vessel, this would be a good time to ask any questions you might have. I'll create posts out of my answers. :)

Hope everyone is doing well ~ and I'll be back when I have something to say.


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Barack Obama's First 100 Days....

Forty eight hours from now, we'll be beyond the glitz and glamor, the charisma and a horribly expensive inaugural celebration. The figure I heard was $150,000,000 for the day of celebration, speeches and parties.

Personally, during a recession, I find that figure repugnant. There are people in this country who haven't had enough food today. There are people in this country who have lost their homes, their credit, their small businesses and their income. In light of that, I would have preferred to see something more low-key.

But setting that aside for the moment, I've been giving some thought to Barack Obama's first 100 days as president and the change so many of us hope to see.

Here are a few things that matter to me.

1) Bring jobs back from foreign countries and give them back to Americans who desperately need them,

2) Sign an executive order to close Gitmo,

3) Come up with a comprehensive plan to withdraw from Iraq without leaving the citizens of Iraq to fend for themselves after having destroyed the entire infrastructure of the country,

4) Order Leon Panetta, the new director of the CIA, to stop all covert activities throughout the world that are intended only to disrupt sovereign governments. It is time to rein in the Directorate of Operations and bring them back to their original purpose which is intelligence gathering,

5) Get a task force together to come up with a workable national health care program.

*and*

6) Show a commitment, not by talk but by action, to bringing this country in alignment with much of the rest of the world in terms of social justice and economic equality.

I think it's important that he realize people are going to be expecting results. Charisma will only get him just so far... and then it's going to be a matter of seeing substantial change. We're not at Martin Luther King's mountain top yet!

So... you. What change do you hope to see right away?

(Just as an aside, you can write a message to Barack Obama at change.gov .. The messages will be compiled and delivered to him.)


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Pull The Lever on the Skinner Box....

Is anyone else out there sensitive to the weather?

When I went for groceries this morning, the clerk presented the usual, supposedly neutral, question, "Are you enjoying the sunny warm days?"

Truthfully, the answer is "no".

I like variety in weather. It is the middle of January. It shouldn't be constantly sunny and in the mid-60s.

(I'm aware of the horrid life-threatening weather in other parts of the country and can imagine those who would happily give me the finger for complaining.. but.. I'm complaining!)

When I left Los Angeles, it was largely because of the 10-year drought. Day after day, the weather was the same. I felt like I was in a Skinner Box.

When I left Tucson, I left because the weather was the same every single day. As they say, Tucson has two seasons: summer and Christmas.

This part of northern California is becoming the same which is part of the reason why I am looking at moving to Humboldt County. There are actually modified seasons there. There's rain.. and fog.. and cooler temperatures during the winter.

What a novel concept!

It has been the same here for so long that I'm beginning to feel like we're stuck in a Groundhog Day sort of universal time glitch.

Meh!

Bring some rain, clouds and cool weather! I want to make soup and cuddle under a blanket. I want to drink tea while listening to the rain fall on the roof.

Pull the lever on the damn Skinner Box already! :)


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Being Fundamentally Lazy....

Stop the war within yourself and you will do the world and humanity the greatest service.

Ajahn Sumanobhikku

I admit to being entirely pleased most days with the freedom that allows me to take it as it comes. My days flow in and out in a very relaxed and pleasant manner. I love being retired and I love owning my time.

Sometimes it goes too far though. It allows me to be blatantly lazy. There's nothing in my world that can't be put off. If I don't feel like doing something, generally I don't!

And as pleasant as that may appear, it has some drawbacks.

The fact that it has gotten out of balance came to my attention under very bright, unforgiving fluorescent lights. When I caught a glimpse in the mirror, I looked like a very tired, very poor and very neglected old woman.

Yug! That's just not me! I may be old.. but I'm not tired, not poor and not neglected!

The reason is that I'd continually put off coloring my hair so that I had three-inch roots of very drab, ugly grey. I looked like a house mouse. The old color had not faded away. I mean.. you can imagine!

Again. Ugh!

I colored my hair the next day so I am back to my ash-blond self.

That is a superficial and shallow example but it does bring to light that certain things need to be done and the freedom to "put it off" is something requiring moderation. It also reveals a deeper message.

Thomas Moore wrote in his book The Care of the Soul that the condition of our surroundings is a reflection of the state of our souls.

We send messages to ourselves and others all the time without even realizing it. In not taking care of my physical appearance, I am sending a message to others that I am not worthy and that neglecting me is quite acceptable.

After all, I neglect myself... on the easy stuff at that! If I'd neglect myself on a 30-minute application of L'Oreal... well.... what must I do on the big things?

(And I am not, not, not! talking about fat/thin, tall/short, or any other natural physical inclination. The most beautiful people I know do not conform to the cultural standard of beauty. This was probably an unnecessary disclaimer since anyone coming here knows I don't hold those views - but just to avoid misunderstanding!)

For the most part, I like my strange little life, surrounded by my unique clutter, my books and things that bring me comfort. I live in a small space ~ just me and the doglet ~ and we do quite well, even with the mess. We are not dirty ~ but we are cluttery.

But these little things, you know. They are the things that reinforce old beliefs.

So that is another thing I must reconcile, another thing requiring discipline on my part and a willingness to give up old messages in favor of affirming, good and soul-feeding messages.

So who do you see when you look in a mirror under fluorescent lights?

~*

Laying Down Arms....

Cecilieaux left an interesting comment yesterday. He said:

It occurs to me, from this post and the previous one and the new title to you blog that you may be -- we may all be -- closer to "home" than any of us think. We're always counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike and thinking they're all going to look for America ... but they (and we) are all in America already.

He's right. We are closer to home than we might imagine. It is not about Thailand or America or Canada or any physical place. It's about a process.

In a metaphoric way, he defined some of the changes I've been experiencing lately. If anyone has noticed a difference here, yes, it's real. It's not your imagination.

When I said it was time for reconciliation, that comes as a result of a year's worth of internal work. In some ways, it has been like the crumbling of barriers. It has tested and challenged me at some levels I didn't feel capable of reaching.

I no longer feel at war with "the West". It's just gone. While I still have my preferences and my beliefs, I no longer feel so angry. It has taken a lot to get me to this point. Looking back, every bit of it has been worth it. For so long, I couldn't let go of my own wounds, the ones inflicted by an ideology and way of life that neither fed nor nourished me. I was spiritually starving to death. I felt so completely alone in the world. There have been people who have witnessed my pain and stepped forward to help or even just acknowledge.

It is said that to let things go, we need someone to witness our pain three times. Then we have to release it. If we don't, we're choosing to live in the past. We're choosing to live our woundedness.

I don't choose that.

Caroline Myss talks about the three stages of spiritual evolution we all go through. We go through the tribal phase, the individual phase and finally the symbolic phase. That is very consistent with many spiritual teachers, east and west.

My tribal phase was finding Thailand and Thai culture. I needed a group to identify with, a group who shared values and taught me new ones. The tribe provides us with us with a foundation for not only discovering who we are, but who will support us in finding what we need to make our lives whole. I feel firm and secure in my "tribal" identity. My trip there at the beginning of last year confirmed it. I was indeed "at home".

I've learned that common beliefs matter most of all. Ethnicity and heritage are really secondary. There are those of us who can't identify with the ethnic or cultural heritage we were born into. Nothing wrong with that at all as long as we're willing to find something that does. I firmly believe we all need a tribal identity to feel whole. It is the earth beneath our feet.

The second phase, the individual phase, comes when we feel safe enough in our tribal identity to recognize our individual traits. We begin to question.. to pick and choose. We think more critically. I've been doing this with eastern/Thai culture for some time now, looking at the things that resonate for me and the things that don't. I've grown enough to know that my tribe doesn't need to be perfect.

I'd been off-balance most of my life because the individual phase is all I experienced, skipping the tribal phase altogether. There was no foundation, nothing to balance against. Nothing to compare. So I floundered for years and years. If I wanted to allow regret into my life, it would be the years wasted that would bring it.

Finally, we reach the symbolic phase which is where I find myself now, toes barely in the water. I'm learning. And testing. This is the phase during which we are able to identify symbols, to look at them objectively and glean their meaning. We find the root principles there, root principles that are true for everyone in the world, for all cultures and all individuals. Native American culture calls this "the shamanic journey".

We find the freedom to find truth in all traditions. We don't need to discriminate. We don't need to take everything personally. We understand the things that are really about us and the things that are not.

We no longer need to be "right".

There are basic truths that fit for eastern culture, western culture or any culture. That is that we all want to love and be loved. We all want to have meaning, however we define that. We all want to have purpose. We all want to "belong" somewhere... and to some thing.

And the symbols are the same for most of us, even though we might express them differently.

This is just beginning for me so I will try to write something here when a phase begins or ends. For now, I'm basking in the peace of it all.


~*

Come Early Morning....

One of the changes I've made recently is to start each day with something positive and inspirational. I wanted to test it out before writing about it, but I've noticed that it is making a difference.

My room is just how I like it... cluttered with all kinds of personal things... lots of quilts and blankets on the bed, a dim light on the nightstand that glows through stained glass. It all works and when I first wake up, I look at the clock and occasionally turn on the radio. There's a local station here that plays beautiful instrumental music.

When I finally get out of bed and open the bedroom door, sometimes it feels like being hit with a bright light, like an interrogation booth. I don't like mornings generally. I'm not a person who wakes up with enthusiasm for being alive. That's just the truth I live with.

It takes something extra to put me in a frame of mind that will prepare me for dealing with the mental, emotional and physical glare. That's just a personal thing. I believe strongly in starting the day without petty frustrations or negative thoughts. I have a steadfast rule that I do not do problem-solving when I first get up. That is firm and non-negotiable.

Over the months, I've collected quite a set of DVDs. I have everything from Caroline Myss to Marianne Williamson, the Dalai Lama to Wayne Dyer. I also have some very good movies and DVDs of people doing Tai Chi, QiGong and other fluid, beautiful movement. There are even a few things I listen to on YouTube. If it inspires me, I have it ~ regardless of its cultural origins. If it's good, it's good.

I make some tea and sit in a comfortable chair, put in one of the DVDs and listen. Each day, I pick the one that seems most appropriate, depending on my frame of mind. It usually takes 45 minutes or so before I feel ready to deal with the computer, the news or the outside world.

It doesn't matter how long we choose to take with this sort of thing. It can be five minutes or forty-five. I know people who only take five minutes. There are people like me who often take an hour. The point is that I've noticed my attitude has improved and when I do have to go out or deal with something unpleasant, it doesn't cause me to act in an unpleasant way.

The beginning of the day is when our minds are most open.. and when we are most vulnerable. It only makes good sense to feed ourselves with something emotionally and spiritually nourishing.

Do you have a similar morning routine?


~*

It's a Love Issue..... And Sometimes Love is Tough...

"Think about what you're really hungry for..."

Today when I watched the first segment of Oprah's "Best Life" series, I was struck by the simple truth of what she had to say. Ordinarily, I am not much of an Oprah fan because she simplifies very complex issues and doesn't seem to follow through.

Yet, in this case, I found the simplicity to be right on target. It really is that simple.

For those of us who are addicts of any kind ~ drugs, food, booze, relationships, ideas ~ you name it, the aphorism fits. It's a love issue. In my case, I switched an addiction to alcohol to an addiction to food. I use food inappropriately to fill me up in ways that can be filled in other healthier and more satisfying ways with a bit of mindfulness on my part.

Over the past month or so, I have gained five pounds. I don't have holiday parties or family gatherings to blame. I gained five pounds because I stuffed my face inappropriately. I felt isolated and the food comforted me. So every time my housemate baked fudge and cupcakes, I ate too many of them.

I paid attention to my body early this evening after having watched the show to really determine if I was actually hungry for food - or was I hungry for something else? I've eaten plenty today and there's no logical reason to want food. My body doesn't need food. My spirit needs comfort. My spirit needs love. And I need to love more openly.

So I thought I'd toss that out for everyone to consider. When you are hungry, feeling unfulfilled, what is it you are really hungry for? When you want a drink, what do you really want? When you feel like lighting another joint, what do you really need? When you tolerate unhealthy relationships in your life, how is it feeding you?

Armed with that information, we stand a much better chance of losing the grip of addiction. There are ways to fill our needs without destructive behavior.

Speaking only for me, I think we have to make a real commitment to stopping these behaviors. When things hurt, suck it up. When someone makes us mad, suck it up. When things feel bad, suck it up. When we feel isolated or alone, call someone. Watch TV. Listen to a radio show. When we feel stuck, move. Just move.

Better yet, learn to listen to our legitimate hungers and learn new ways to satisfy them. Getting on the phone for ten minutes to cure loneliness is much better than pulling out a carton of Ben and Jerry's.

I have recently set up a "buddy list" for those of us who find ourselves instantly heading for the refrigerator when things get tough. If it takes off, I'll write more about it here. (Things advertised on Craigslist rarely take off.. so I have no expectations.) I'm willing to let go of this fat ~ something that has protected me for a very long time ~ which I no longer need. This isn't about will power. It's not about determination, goal-setting or white knuckling. It's about transformation. It's about willingness to change and acceptance that sometimes we need to give up old coping mechanisms that may have been appropriate at one time ~ but not now. It no longer fits who I am today.


Peace,


~Chani
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Coming Out of Standby Mode....

Wow. From the looks of things, I haven't posted much here in December. A lot of it was retreating, taking some time out of the mainstream (so to speak) and a lot of it was just plain old-fashioned avoidance.

This past season was one of the easier ones I've had in several years. A large part of it is that I used avoidance rather freely. Avoidance can be a good tool!

But I'm coming out of standby mode. The holidays are over. I'm glad to be back to "normalcy" because it gives me an opportunity to take care of lots of things without all the interruptions.

I've made the decision to actively choose a new place to live, to get out more to increase my involvement with other people and meaningful projects and... I've decided to file bankruptcy.

I ran it around in my head for quite a while and it seems to be the best option. I created a lot of debt last year and can't keep up with the payments. It's not just lousy money management on my part, although that's certainly part of it. Additionally though, some events that took place and cost me money I didn't plan on spending. Medical expenses and other unexpected drains on my finances took serious hold during the last four or five months of the year. This is happening all over the place right now... with hundreds and thousands of people.

It's no small decision for anyone. The consequences are serious. I'll have a crappy credit rating for the next 7 years and will not be able to make any major purchases. But the essence of who I am is not my FICO score or my possessions. My peace in this world is not dependent on a 750 credit score. In the end, it simply doesn't matter.

Sometimes we have to make these decisions and move on. Life happens. I should add that I am at peace with it. I lived without credit for over 20 years and did perfectly well. The main thing is to not get caught up in negativity about it.. or let it affect the way I see myself, the world or other people.

These things happen. Trying to control the outcome and fret about it will only create unnecessary unhappiness. I choose to be happy and content in my world, even when things don't go as I wish they would. We can choose to be content, even with a tanking economy and all the world's problems. We can choose to be content because in the end, we still have life ~ and we have each other.


Peace,


~Chani

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Word of the Year.....

Now that my high-speed has been restored, I was blog-surfing again and saw this. Rebecca presents the idea of choosing a word for the new year. It's a good alternative to the "I won't [that] anymore" or "I will do [this] from now on."

The idea of the word is to create a theme for the year. It is around a central concept that will change the way we look at things. It's amazing how a different lens can change our perspectives.

My word is "reconciliation". The idea behind it is to begin building bridges instead of walls. I began working with the concept a few months ago, deciding that bearing the responsibility of changing an entire culture was a bit more than I can handle. Concentrating on finding the things that unite us rather than the things that separate us is what I will be doing in the future. It does take a conscious effort.

I started by reading a lot of books that are well outside my worldview to discover the commonalities. Talking to others who see things differently and listening with an open mind has revealed many things we share. We just say them differently. If we stick with the dialogue, we'll find that we mostly want the same things.

In the micro, it means "restoration of harmony".

That includes moving from a place where there is a lot of chaos, anger and upset to create a more peaceful environment of my own in a new residence.

It means restoring harmony to my body by treating it well.

It means restoring harmony to my relationships by stretching my own worldview to include new people.

It means making a conscious effort to honor the beliefs of others without finding a need to criticize or correct them.

It means participating in activities that promote a positive change. The paraphrased quote of Mother Teresa comes to mind. "I won't participate in an anti-war rally. Have a pro-peace rally and I'll be there."

It means finally being able to relax. It means an end to the feeling of urgency that propels me into warrior mode. God's business is God's business. Mine is to be a bit gentler, to step a bit more lightly.

That's my word. Reconciliation.

What will be your word?

Wishing all a peaceful, kinder, more fulfilling 2009.



~Chani
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Fatigue, Frustration or Fear.....

If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace. - Eckhart Tolle

I am still on dial-up, perhaps for another day (assuming the problem can be solved). At any rate, I figured it was still time to post something.

This past month has been one of many changes for me, all of them good in the longrun.

By some weird twist of fate, I was able to spend an hour on the phone with Mona Grayson. For those of you unfamiliar with her, she does a lot of work with the methods developed by Byron Katie.

Ordinarily, I don't go for that kind of thing so much ~ finding it rather shallow and ineffective. Furthermore, "success-motivation" is extremely unappealing to me.

Still, the conversation evolved between us rather naturally and we skipped the superficial stuff and got right into some more global concepts. She taught me how to use the Byron Katie method which is basically a series of questions we can ask ourselves about any given situation. The situation itself is irrelevant. It's our beliefs that matter. The real purpose of the questions is to challenge our own beliefs.

They are:

1) Is this true?

2) Do I know for a fact that it's true?

3) How do I react when I have this belief?

4) How would my life be different without the belief?

As an example, one of my beliefs has been "I have to remain angry about the world because it proves I care".

That belief certainly brings me no peace and is disrupting the natural flow of life. I can't be a 24/7, wall-to-wall, 365-days-a-year dissident and remain in balance. It is a belief I have to release. It doesn't mean I don't care. It just means I have to be willing to look at things differently and develop a new approach.

The method is not the be-all and end-all, but it's a good method to use, just to check in with ourselves and see what we're believing and why. It's a good starting point.

Another thing that occurred is the last tie I have to this area has been released. I no longer choose to have a tie to the wat because the people are unreliable. It's constant false starts and people not following through on commitments. The person I was closest to here and I have decided to move on. Basically, it was about the same issue: unreliability. She was constantly setting appointments with me and not showing up or calling. Her excuse was the usual "I've been busy." Yeah. Well. We all are. Time to move on.

The final tie was to my doctor. When we find a good doctor, someone who understands the integral nature of all of our health issues, it's good to stick with the guy. You know? That was my intent and I was willing to stay here to continue working with him.

Well, according to the news reports, he was driving on a foggy night at a high rate of speed (90 miles an hour) and may or may not have been drunk. He totaled his car and died on the scene. Of course I am sorry for his family and friends. I hope he has found peace on the Other Side.

From a purely selfish perspective though, I will be looking for a new doctor. I have several health issues that all combined create a need for someone who is willing to use alternative methods of care. Without that willingness, I'd be doing nothing but taking pills and dealing with side effects. I'm not willing to do that.

And there's nothing saying I have to find a new doctor in this location. I can literally go anywhere.

I've been on the wrong path for a while. There's also an aphorism that fits for that, too. "If it brings fatigue, frustration or fear, you're doing the wrong thing. You're on the wrong path." I've had more than my share of frustration.

It's not anything I feel the need to detail.. but I've been on the wrong path and I'm changing course.

I'm broadening my range of possibilities in terms of housing. Because I need subsidized housing, that takes a bit more time than a typical house-hunt would involve. The fact that I can now look anywhere in Northern California makes the possibility of results much higher. A coastal area would be nice.

I'm also setting a firm boundary in my life when it comes to unreliable people. I'm no longer willing to deal with that. It's been hard to set that boundary because I've been overly invested in always being understanding, always feeling the need to make excuses for other people's bad behavior and living with the fear that if I don't put up with it, I'll be completely alone. Of course that is a false belief.

So that's what I've been doing in December.

I'm wishing for a better 2009 for all of us.

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Happy Holidays....

If you have an ideology that empowers you, I am happy. It doesn't matter if it is Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity or Islam, a shaman or simply a belief in the goodness of all. If you are learning to trust yourself, if you are becoming more open in your mind and your heart, then I am happy for you. It doesn't matter what path you are on, what symbols you believe in, or what scrolls you consider sacred. It is the fruit of your beliefs that matter, that you are seeing divinity.

May you all have peaceful, happy and contented days, regardless of how you choose to acknowledge them.

Peace,

~Chani

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Update.....

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Thanks to those who wrote and asked where I've disappeared.

I am still on dial-up and can't see most of your sites because of the slow page loads. That means I can't comment. Some sites, I can't even read. That takes away half the pleasure of blogging because it's the interaction that makes it meaningful. The back and forth of commenting and sharing with each other is what makes this worthwhile. Without that element, it doesn't hold much interest for me at all.

Supposedly, my Linksys will be fixed on 12/24. When that occurs, I'll be back to commenting, reading and writing.

For those who celebrate, I hope you have a good holiday. For those who don't, I hope you have a relaxing week.


Peace,


~Chani

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An interesting call.....

Yesterday while I was doing laundry, my cell phone chimed off in my pocket. Normally, I don't carry it around but was expecting a few return calls and didn't want to miss them.

The call was from someone I know from the wat, the one I wrote about last summer. It's something I thought was gone from my life. Lots of things happen behind the scenes that we never know about. I'm coming to learn that.

The guy (I'll call him Ta) told me about several things that have been going on there and asked for my help with straightening it out. There was a criminal act committed and because of language barriers and so on, they're not getting the response they need from the police. I agreed to talk with the police for them and continue following up until it resolves.

That's not the real point of this message though.

I am the sort of person who needs to be needed ~ and I need that community as much as they might seemingly need me.

But I've discovered now a second person in my life who seems to consider me to be a personal service object. Both of them like the idea that I should be sitting home, exclusively available to them when they might happen to have a moment in their overcrowded lives to acknowledge my existence. The people at the wat wanted to reach me some time ago and she denied them my phone number. She had a conflict with someone out there and is angry. I get that. I know what happened and I would be angry, too. I supported her choice to remove herself from the community. I just question her right to use me as part of her revenge. It's impossible to even fathom that kind of self-serving meanness.

Ta told me that they'd asked for my number several times and she said "no". Just "no".

And by doing this, she has denied me the right to make my own choices. She had no right to do that!

I may or may not choose to talk with her about it. For now, I will ignore her calls until I am over these negative feelings. If I talk to her right now, I will burn the bridge.

My thought at this point is that I will just carry on and do what I want to do and not discuss it. The thing that makes me so upset about this is that she knows I've been wanting community, that I don't like being alone. Rather than honor my need and be a part of making my life better and allowing me to help her make her life better, she intentionally isolated me for her own purposes.

I am beyond pissed off. I'm far too hurt to be pissed off. I'm disgusted!

What I want to do is concentrate on how to recognize people like that so I don't draw any more people in my life who figure I exist for their convenience.

Any suggestions?


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