Sacred Life Sunday: Spirits in the Material World

Charles Eisenstein wrote an interesting blog post that brought me out of the woodwork because he wrote about something I relate to so strongly. I felt the need to talk about it.

He writes about how inept he feels in the material world, that he never seems to have much interest in building things, shaping things and controlling things. He mentions being extremely thin and even having an appearance of being separate from the material world.

I have always felt that way, too. The only difference between us, as I commented to him, is that he is extremely thin and I built a wall of fat instead ~ to protect myself from the onslaught of what he calls "the wreckage from civilization and culture".

The fat feels like a buffer and I suspect that is why all of my attempts to lose it have failed. All the diets, all the exercise and all the efforts to "will" it away haven't worked.

For some time now, I've suspected the fat was a protection. In fact, I've even written about it here. Kim Chernin has written books about it. It's not my original idea.

Still, this issue hasn't resolved because I have yet to come completely to terms with being a very spiritual person in what often feels like an overly-material world. I don't know how I would respond without the fat to protect me.

It's caused me to retreat into a very small world, one I control tightly. Even at that, the leakage comes in through the cracks in the wall. No wall is strong enough.

And I'm not sure it should be.

Retreating really doesn't work any more. I'm finding a need to be among others, to develop a more balanced attitude toward all of this, even with the knowledge that I will always live in my head and in jai - the heart. It is said that jai is the sixth sense that controls all the others and I believe that's true.

As I step out a little bit, I'm beginning to find some refuge with others. They're tucked away in little housing developments and condominium complexes, in apartments in the corners, far from the main street, sometimes in their converted garages, insulated from wide public view. They have unlisted phone numbers that are passed from hand-to-hand.

I went to such a place Friday night - which is something I will eventually blog about - but not now.

I don't know that I will ever come to terms with the material world in the way Charles Eisenstein talks about. No survivalist will ever live in this body. The very idea repels me, the idea of shaping and pounding the world into my image. Things are free here and I honor their spirit. There are no spiders killed, no building things and turning them into my personal convenience items. I have no interest in finding more and more "things" to make my life "easier".

I want to gather some things that will remind me, that will serve as symbols of my ultimate objective, which is to develop spiritually to a degree that I will be one of those hidden in a small apartment, far from the main street - and whose phone number will be passed hand-to-hand. I will do all I can to help others develop spiritually as well.

The fat will take care of itself.

~*

Just a note: Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments to my last post. Reading about the things that make all of you happy brought a smile to my world when I needed it.

~*

Fat, fat, fat.....

Okay. I'm still dealing with weight loss stuff.

I'm bored with it. By now, I should be so thin that slipping through a keyhole shouldn't be a problem. I should be non-existent!

When I was over there in the place that shall not be mentioned, I was beginning to lose pounds. Even though I just looked like a smaller pear instead of a big one, it was progress. We lived largely on a diet of rice and vegetables, rice and fruit and occasional meat dishes from the local food stalls. We drank lots of tea and water. I never felt hungry or deprived. Occasionally, I'd have a diet coke but it wasn't every day.

So... being a reasonably intelligent person, you'd think I'd be smart enough to continue that here. Right? And I have. To a degree.

But I'm munching again. Yesterday, I plowed through an unseemly number of crackers and onion dip. I drank diet Coke all day.

It didn't take long for the emotional eating to start again. This is my greatest downfall. I have an addictive personality and I replaced booze with food. The problem is that I can't choose to stop eating the way I chose to stop drinking.

As of today, no more Diet Coke and no more coffee. I'll go back to tea, rice and vegetables, rice and fruit and an occasional meat dish from... well.. somewhere.

So.. again.. today... no more. That's it. I'm going to lose this weight if it kills me... which it very well might.

If I can quit drinking, I can quit this. Right?

~*

Acceptable prejudice.....

(Note: Just wanted to wish safe travels to all leaving for the BlogHer conference this weekend. I hope it is wonderful for all of you! )

~*

Yesterday, during our discussion of political correctness and prejudice, Snoskred made a comment that stuck with me most of the evening. It's not that I wasn't aware of it. It's just that I hadn't thought of it in any consistent manner. It flew through my head, I agreed with it and went on to some other burning thought ~ you know, usually something like "where's the remote control?"

Anyway, she raised the point that overweight people are experiencing the latest socially acceptable prejudice.

In so many ways, this is true. It's subtle... but it does seem to be okay to mention openly when someone is heavy, but we'd never think to say "geez, that guy has such a big nose" or "she has really ugly teeth." It just wouldn't happen. Well, at least it wouldn't happen among intelligent people who manage to focus on more important things.

I've even caught myself a few times saying things that bordered on unkind. One day, a few weeks ago, I drove Miss D. to the base to pick up some things she needed. There was a woman hanging out in front, waiting for someone. She was a heavyset woman. She was wearing tight polyester pants and a horizontally striped shirt.

I commented to D. that I didn't understand why heavyset people wouldn't know better than to wear tight pull-on pants and certainly shouldn't be wearing anything with horizontal stripes.

"It only makes us look bigger!" Being overweight, I felt justified in using "us" instead of "they".

"Most fat people don't care," she said back.

As I was driving back home, I realized what a rotten thing that was to say. By then, we'd switched to another topic so I didn't have an opportunity to redeem myself.

But I can do it here. That was a catty and petty thing to say and, honestly, I feel some shame in admitting that I was so small-minded.

Snoskred stated a truth. This is one of the final bastions of acceptable prejudice. Commenting on the body types of others and making judgments about it is still considered harmless in most circles. Where are the PC Police when it comes to sensitivity to heavy people?

Perhaps the woman at the base didn't realize it. Maybe she doesn't know that horizontal stripes make her look bigger. Not everyone is like me. Not everyone is concerned with fashion. Not everyone has the luxury of spending an hour each morning pouring over and choosing Thai outfits. Maybe she had much bigger things on her mind than her striped shirt.

We never know these things and truthfully, it was none of my bloody business at any rate! It certainly qualifies as a violation of my own cultural values.

It would be interesting to hear from others. Do you find this prejudice to be true in your circles as well?

~*

A Perfectly Perfect Spring Day....

Today is the first perfectly perfect spring day.

I got a slow start and waited until the last minute to begin getting ready to meet my friend P for a dim sum lunch. We went to a restaurant I'd never been to before and ate some of the best Chinese food I've had in a very long time.

It's difficult to see this picture but the place is rather large and there were so many people, it was nearly unbelievable. I quipped to P. that we might need to write notes. :)

Waitpeople brought trays around with all sorts of dilectable offerings, many of them with pork (which I love) and we sampled nearly all of them. We had shrimp rolls, spring rolls , and all sorts of pork dishes. We finished off with mango and chestnut tea.

Yum!

The greatest part though was to be able to spend a few hours with a friend I value, someone whose opinions and thoughts on things matter and balance my perspective. We talked about several subjects, including this blog and its purpose. (Thanks, P. Even though I don't know you all that well yet, I value our friendship very much and hope it will continue for a long time. I trust you. Instinct. :)

I'm not entirely ready to talk about all of that yet in written form but I am definitely going to continue on with the blog ~ and deal with the Thai values issue. The best way to do that is to periodically answer a nastygram. There are several of them backed up and I can use those as a launching pad. I don't get tons of nastygrams but they usually have something to do with Thai issues. I can also give a longer reply to a comment periodically, one that asks a question or brings up a specific issue for me to answer.

That way, I won't bore anyone silly discussing it every day but also will be able to begin creating a context for some of my writing.

When P dropped me off, he also gave me some CDs he'd copied of Chinese music. The main instrument is the Erhu. It is a soft, haunting instrument that often sounds almost human. It's sounds like humming. If they don't play this music in heaven, I don't want to go. :)

I came into the back yard to sit for a while and noticed that some of the plants are beginning to bloom.

This is one of the azalea plants. There are several of them and they bloom all over the yard in a variety of colors. We have pink ones, red ones, white ones. As you can imagine, it is heavenly out here in the spring.

The camelias are blooming. They are possibly the most beautiful flower that ever existed on this planet. This bush is white but we also have pink ones.

The status of my back yard must make fascinating reading for all of you. Sometimes it's just pleasant to notice these little things. Unfortunately, I also notice the big things.

Wow! Do I ever look fat in these pictures!

MILF (melting inches .. losing fa .. yeah.. yeah. um) related: I will go back counting points. Even though I want to stomp my feet and scream I don't wanna, I'll do it anyway. Spring, as they say, is the time for new beginnings. I'll frame it in that context and start once again down the path I abandoned last month.

All in all, a worthy day to be alive. Somehow, the first noticeable day of spring always seems that way.


Peace,


~Chani

MILF Friday and Body Image...

Today is the day I am supposed to write about diets, losing weight and progress or lack of it.

This week has been cold and I haven't made the progress I'd like. While I've kept to the program of a few hundred calories less per day and a 30 minute walk a day (even when it felt like the Bataan death march, once or twice), the scale has not budged an ounce. So, again, I will tweek it and work with it a bit more until I find the magic combination that kicks my metabolism into "it's safe to dump pounds" mode. There are a few new things I want to try, including doubling up on those walk times. This weekend will not be the start of that however since we're supposed to have freezing temperatures.

Putting that aside, there is something important I need to address about all of this dieting stuff. Dieting is good, certainly, and a healthy diet and exercise is important. One of the main things, I believe, is to be clear on our motives.

Last week, Patricia of Windchimewalker challenged me about sizism and the cultural edict that we must be rake-thin to be acceptable. She was right to do so and I have given it a lot of thought over the past week.

Any prejudice is destructive ~ but prejudice against people due to body size is particularly pernicious. There are many reasons why people become heavy and it is very rarely because they are lazy slobs who have no will power when it comes to food. Weight is not a character issue. People who are overweight need support and encouragement, not judgement and vilification. Shame on anyone who sees a heavy person and thinks "fat slob" or "pig" or "heifer"! Shame! It not very often that I will call "shame" on this blog unless George Bush is involved but under these circumstances, I believe it is appropriate. There is no excuse for that kind of talk or behavior. It comes from the bully mentality, the one that says, "I will feel better about myself by putting you down." Yuck!

Food can indeed be a comforter and it was mine for a long time. That is how I became overweight. I was suffering from an undiagnosed major depression and food is how I medicated myself. As a recovering alcoholic, I couldn't very well go out and tie one on. (As a matter of fact, when I was drinking I was reed-thin... scrawny even.) But when the energy to get up and walk across the room to get a book from the bookshelf seems like a Herculian effort, the idea of making healthy meals or exercising is beyond the pale.

For those who feel battered and bruised by the world in general, fat feels like a protective layer over our very souls. It is a barrier between me and you. There have been books written on this topic, the best one in my opinion (even though it is a bit old) is probably Kim Chernin's "The Obsession: The Tyranny of Slenderness". It's very important that we realize why people become overweight and address those issues, many of which should be of more concern to feminists and others who care about women's lives (and men's lives, although the unrealistic body standard seems to be imposed on women more than men) . Health care providers need to be educated on this topic as well as the general public.

My goal in this weight loss effort is to insure a healthier old age. There are health risks with obesity. Even being moderately overweight can bring risks. I'm not talking about ten vanity pounds but mid-double digits. Hypertension and arthritis are real risks, not something made up by the Only-Thin-Need-Apply oligarchy. It is not about beauty. It needs to be about health. And our approach to it needs to be holistic. One of the questions I have asked myself about losing weight and perhaps the most important one is "why am I doing this and what are my real feelings about it?" I believe obesity and fat is as much a metaphysical issue as it is a physical one.

On this I am clear: I am not willing to intentionally lose even one more pound than is necessary to be healthy. I am also clear that I would never want a friend, male or otherwise, who wouldn't accept me as I am, regardless of my weight. I am very clear that a bunch of clothing vendors and weight loss merchants will not be making money by appealing to my vanity or determining the acceptable body type for women. I am clear that I am not giving into a cultural standard of beauty that harms women. And I am clear that it is okay to lose weight now. I am safe. I don't need to hang on to the weight to feel protected. I am ready.

I hope all of us will examine our motives and make sure we are doing this for the right reason. In fact, I would go so far as to say it probably won't work if our motives are not clear.


Peace,

~Chani