I have some mixed feelings about this past month. By nature, I am not a chatty person. I have no illusions that my life minuteia is of interest to anyone. For this past month, I made the conscious decision to write daily, regardless of how it felt. If it felt bad, good or otherwise, I sat down here at this desk and pounded it out.
Sometimes it was an awesome experience when I'd hear from others and we'd interact. To get positive feedback was very encouraging. Other times, there was a fear of hollering into the great vast nothingness. On a personal level, there was some regret ~ regret at having said one thing or another that may have brought disapproval. It made me aware that I am still far too dependent on the approval of others. While that is not a bad thing intrinsically since we need to care how others perceive us, when it is out of balance it's unhealthy. I've hit that unhealthy space a few times. The way to be a force for good in the world is to put aside the self and that kind of egoism. I have not always done that well. Lesson learning. Not learned. Yet.
Yesterday when I read Sevenwind's post, I went out in the back yard for a smoke. (Yes, I know it's bad for my health. Thank you.) I sat and thought about that. How in the world could my puny, meaningless navel-gazing could be of interest to anyone? There comes a time when it is appropriate to stop imitating Thai values and to live 'em!
And, yes, I needed to be that blunt. Yesterday, Sevenwinds was my teacher ~ and gave me a needed kick in the ass.
Sometimes it's been a growing experience as I look over what I've written and peices fall into place that didn't quite make sense. In particular, writing about my years in the desert gave me some perspective on how it happened. I was always so afraid of rejection that I just stopped moving at all. I did everything possible to be small and invisible because that was safer than the risk of not being liked. It never ceases to amaze me how much unhealed crap sticks around, never truly healing until it is exposed to the harshness of light.
Sometimes someone would share a snippet of thought that would set me off on a time of reflection, a new book bought, something learned, something to consider that changed my way of viewing the world on a fairly permanent basis. One of the downsides of being a loner and a nomad is that we sometimes don't get as much input from others as we should. We can become insular. For every one of you who have consistently read what I had to say, probably even when it generated nothing more than a bone-crushing yawn, I thank you. I thank you for watching the Chani-paint dry when probably just about anything would have been preferable ... like overnight infomercials.
From here on, I am not going to commit to writing daily. I will write when I have something to say, something that is thoughtful and considerate, something that will contribute to the light in the world. My guess is that a few times a week, maybe more some weeks, will be my pattern. Sometimes every day if I'm on a rip. It's important now for me to make the choice on a daily basis.
This is not a goodbye. It is just a "see you less often". I value all of you and have come to "know" some of you as well as fellow travelers on the Internet can. I enjoy keeping up with you and knowing how you are doing, what you're thinking about, what you're reading and doing. You are all a wonder ~ and such a gift to this eccentric old loner.
So.. I'll see you later. :)
May peace be with you all ~