North Korea: The more things change..

So... North Korea supposedly tested a nuke last night. In an underground location. They know it was a missile. It may or may not be capable of carrying a nuclear warhead. It may or may not have been the equivalent destructive ability of a few tons of TNT.

The test is questionable, according to this morning's press statement. No one really knows what they did, not according to the US media or the international media.

The fact that the fear frenzy is beginning is not. Watch for the propaganda machine to be in full swing for the next two or three weeks in order to make an attack on North Korea more palatable to the masses. Cause everyone to fear another bogeyman on the international stage. Conjure up Stalin and Mussolini. Talk about terrorists recruiting on YouTube. Everyone is out to get us and attack our precious way of life. Mass fear is the exact outcome desired by those who see endless war as a means to their own ends. If I am wrong, well, call me Cleopatra and feed me grapes.

Meanwhile, here's some stuff we're not hearing about this morning (or any time in the recent past) ....

The US Congress has passed the Military Commissions Act of 2006 which gives the President dictatorial powers with no provisions for oversight by or accountability to the Legislative branch of government. George Bush can now become "king".

On October 1, Bush and SECDEF Rumsfeld deployed a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, an attack submarine, a submarine escort, a US Navy flagship, two destroyers, two war frigates, two battle cruisers, and a combat support ship to the Persian Sea and the Arabian Sea, firepower sufficent to mount a war on Iran when they arrive on or near October 21.

Emails have come to light, one of which shows that Jack Abramoff knew and spoke with Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove about "the upcoming war on Iraq" nearly a year before it began.

According to the Department of Defense website this morning, 2,729 soldiers have died in Iraq as of 6 October 2006.

The US did not approve of the coup in Thailand so it has placed sanctions. “More than $16 million in counterterrorism and other training for the Thai military; $3.29 million in peacekeeping training; and $4 million for Thai arms purchases” will be affected, according to the paper.

I think it's time the rest of the world sanctions the US until it can, once and for all, mind its own bloody business and stop trying to take over the world.


May the world find peace ~


Thailand Gal

~*~*~*~

The Strangest Things Happen During the Night....

There seems to have been a major breakthrough this morning in my family relationships. I spent over two hours on the phone this morning with my mother. (Long pause) That is not to say that my hopes are so high that they can be dashed. Just the same, we did have a very good conversation, the first in several months without rehashing of old wounds. My mother, naturally as a mother, has had a really difficult time dealing with my "differences". I am not the person she imagined I would be. I am very quiet, inward, environmentally sensitive and often not the easiest person to communicate with. She has always felt that it is her "fault" somehow that I am not the ambitious, outgoing sort. I in turn resented her having expectations and wishes that I can not meet and never will. She wanted the CEO of Hewlett-Packard. She got Thailand Gal. When I told her that this morning, she apologized for not having accepting me as I am. I apologized for not trying to understand that her dreams meant something to her. I had always just felt pressure to be someone I am not and as a result, I stopped communicating. I told her that my differences, my limitations, are not her "fault", that we just come to the world the way we come. Some things don't have a direct cause/effect relationship. They are just a triumph of random chance. Things were said that have been needed to be said for a very long time on both sides. The history of disappointments and unmet expectations begin to wind upon themselves like a ball of yarn. Before long, the real reason isn't even accessible, let alone known. Maybe the best thing for us is to just let past things go. History can not be changed but the future is still open. I will never be the fantasy daughter she might have wanted. She will never be the fantasy mom that I wanted. We'll all try to take our baby steps and see where we can find common ground.

Above is a picture of my grandnieces, Abigail and Adriana. Until this morning, I didn't know I had two grandnieces. (Am I really that freaking old??? :) Aren't they beautiful? :)


May all have reconciliation ~


Thailand Gal

~*~*~*

Stars In Our Eyes....

I have had a brief correspondence with someone overseas and she raised a very interesting question with comments that prompted me to do some hard thinking. While this might test my growth at times, I'm grateful for the opportunity to remove the glaze from my eyes and look at things squarely. Thanks, CA :)

The comment that brought on this thought is "Of course, ways of addressing one another and interacting, gestures, habits and all differ, but those are just superficial."

On one hand, yes. They are surface behaviors.

On the other, no. They are manifestations of a deeper mindset.

All of these things have an underlying message. The acculturation process involves internalizing a way of thinking, a way of relating, a way of viewing the world and our place in it. It is how we pass along cultural mores and standards. Nearly all the customs in this culture, as an example, involve extreme self-sufficiency, social politics and competition. The core value is self-interest and self-advancement. Sure, there is surface merit given to selflessness, but nothing in the culture demands it. It is not unacceptable to NOT be selfless. It's just "kinda nice". Even generosity is tainted by taking credit. "I gave $500.00 to the Katrina fund and now I'll have something to deduct from my taxes." You see lists of names of contributors to nearly everything because, after all, one deserves to get credit.

The saddest part is that this culture gives only lip service to real healing which involves commitment to others, willingness to be a "part of" instead of painfully "apart from", and most importantly, a willingness to put the higher good above personal aspirations.

When I chose the path I am on now, so many of the things I did in the beginning felt theatrical. It didn't quite "fit". While the underlying cultural mores felt like "coming home", acting them out felt clownish. It began to feel "authentic", the longer I did it. I'm still in this learning curve however and it will probably take the rest of my life. That, I believe, is the acculturation/socialization process in a nutshell.

Most of us who want to move overseas or ex-pat in one way or another probably do so with stars in our eyes. We believe our adopted culture and country will become Nirvana, a Land Of All We Ever Wanted. This is what I most importantly want to avoid. For that reason, I look at Thai culture without the rose-colored glasses and know there will be things that will be very challenging. No matter how long I live there or even if I choose to become naturalized, I will always be "farang". I can stick my Thai passport in their faces and that will never take away the "farang" stigma. I will always look different than 99.99% of the population. Some people will not accept that. Just like here, there is racism in Thailand. Just like here, there are people who choose to be dishonest and criminal. There are homicides, burglaries, domestic violence, alcoholism, drug abuse and all the things that plague every society. And then there's the Bangkok stuff that simply doesn't need to be mentioned. I'm too young to go to Heaven just yet and I have no illusion that it is located in Southeast Asia.

There are no stars in my eyes about this move. None. I'm doing it to survive. Life here almost killed me once. I'm not giving it another chance.

At least the fundamental stuff makes sense. I can thrive in my own little way instead of constantly being at odds with the culture. That is a big one to overcome. There's a possibility that I can even have a relationship and get married again without having to live up to ridiculous and unrealistic western standards. Regardless of the contortions I have tried to perform here, no matter how much I have tried to squeeze myself into the little boxes, no matter how much I have tried to convince myself that I'm wrong and it's right, I simply can't do it anymore. It's a mismatch. No judgements. No recriminations. It's just a mismatch.

It's time to go. It's been time for many years. I just didn't have the courage to do it.

Until the things holding me have resolved, I will continue on with my customs, habits and traits. Superficial though they may be, they are my connection.


May we all find peace ~


Thailand Gal
~*~*~

What JMK might say at his press conference....

I was thinking this morning while gardening that he will no doubt come up with something utterly laughable.

Perhaps he will tell us:

1) I am going into rehab. It was only because of my drinking that I have done such horrible things...

2) Fooled all of you! I'm really an out-of-work actor, preparing for the part of The Most Hated Man In The World. Buy my book!

3) I've decided to run for Congress....

4) Sorry to have caused so much trouble but I told a bunch of lies so that I wouldn't spend the next twenty years getting cornholed in a Thai prison...

5) Read my blog!

6) Buy my book!

7) Watch my interviews on TV for the next two months while Diane Sawyer, Chris Hansen, Matt Lauer and Katie Couric all compete for my attention...

8) Yes, I really do wear my pants up around my eyebrows. It is not an affectation.

9) I am NOT pasty and I do NOT look like Lee Harvey Oswald

10) I'm really a nice guy..... You just don't understand me.

11) I need money for my sex change operation. Buy my book!

12) ???

Undoubtedly, this should be an interview to behold. I'll be watching Jay Leno for the next week.

I am not ordinarily so tasteless but this has struck my absurdity bone. I promise to return to some normalcy next week. In fact, this entry might not be up for more than an hour or two.


May all have a peaceful weekend ~


Thailand Gal
~*~*~*

Don't Forget This Face, Folks!

Don't forget this face, folks! Apparently, a judge in Sonoma County, California has seen fit to dismiss all charges against John Mark Karr, the man who claims to have killed Jon Benet Ramsey. As we all know, that was baloney but he does have a quite a reputation. (I have to stay legal here.)

Just keep an eye out for him. Only Ghod knows where he will turn up next.

The thing that truly amazes me about this is that the judge threw the case out because he believed there was insufficient evidence. While the District Attorney's office irresponsibly lost the computer seized from John Karr's Petaluma residence at the time of the original arrest, they did have a zip drive and mirror copy of all the contents of the hard drive. Judge Wong (remember that name, Sonoma County residents) did not believe the jury should see it.

So... while under the Patriot Act, someone can be harrassed, jailed indefinitely without charges and tortured during interrogation for holding certain political views, they can't manage to come up with one thing to keep an admitted pedophile behind bars.

Un-freaking-believable!

In another neon display of ignorance and stupidity, one man, the father of a child victim of pedophile Richard Alan Davis, commented glibly on Court TV that "we should have left him in Thailand." Of course, he immediately backtracked when the interviewer commented that Thai children might be just as important as American children. The intent of the original comment was glaringly obvious. Apparently the man is a real advocate for children, as long as they aren't little brown or yellow children in third world countries! The whole interview was in this vein, that he should have been left in Thailand, that he is Thailand's problem. Uh. Hello? He's a US citizen. He is the US's problem, like it or not. He had outstanding warrants in this country. The mistake made on Thailand's end was not doing a thorough background check. He never should have been there.

I will leave it as is. No sense quibbling about it now. Anyone who reads this blog is smart enough to read between the lines.

As it stands right now, John Karr is a free man. He can go anywhere in the world he chooses.

Presumably, his property was returned to him which will include the photograph of JonBenet Ramsey with her mother sent by the Boulder DA's office to trap him in Bangkok.

If I lived in Georgia right now, anywhere near JonBenet's grave, I would be watching for him there.

This is not the last we've heard of that sick son of a b****. Of that, I am certain. I am not seeking vengeance against him but children must be protected. He has been very clear about his fantasies and his intentions.

Oh. He's holding a press conference in the morning. He'll probably say he's going into rehab.

Whatta world!

Amish Response to School Shootings....

I have a new respect for the Amish people.

A few news reports yesterday and this morning took time out from their "ain't it a shame" awfulizing and sensationalizing (reasons never addressed) to give Amish people a voice. Those who were interviewed made it a point to emphasize that they have forgiven the shooter and his family. The shooter's family was invited to the funerals of the little girls who died. When asked why they had such a forgiving attitude, one man said, "If we expect God to forgive us, we must forgive others."

Regardless of one's personal theology, belief in God or not, belief in karma or not, it takes an especially evolved personality to allow the cycle of forgiveness to work instead of immediately jumping on the vengeance bandwagon so frequently espoused and encouraged in this culture.

I am not a religious person. The question of the existence of a personal God is still an open one. There is something "out there" but I am the last person capable of defining it. However, I do like to learn from religious thought. One of my favorite passages from the Christian Bible is "Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain." (I Chronicles 4:10)

In this horrible school shooting situation, that is how the Amish have responded. Stop the cycle of pain.

Can you imagine for just a moment what we would be like if we were able to live such a belief? No more need to "get even", no more need to harm others to increase our own power, no more need to go out into the world to conquer it?

What would that be like?


May all be forgiven ~ and may all forgive...



Thailand Gal
~*~*~*~

Cultural consistency....

Okay. Today I have a situation which is putting my commitment to the Thai way of life to the test.

I do some work at home for a local guy. It's certainly not difficult or complicated work. I am a very fast typist so I do all of his typing. Part of the job is also editing. In other words, I correct his grammar and take all the apostrophes out of his plural words. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that he has five times the education I do and still makes such silly mistakes. Mai pen rai. Never mind. We all have our weaknesses and his happens to net me $400.00 a month or so extra ~ and I can use it. That is when he is reliable and brings the stuff to me. So be it.

The one problem I've had with this guy is getting him to remember that when I send an invoice for hours worked, it means "pay me". It doesn't mean "pay me two weeks from now" or "pay me next month". It doesn't mean "how ya doin'?" It means, "I sent the invoice. Pony up! Now!"

I see him fairly frequently, at least a few times a week, and he chats away like there's nothing hanging there between us, that he doesn't owe me money. He talks about everything else but that and then wanders off without saying a word. I am not a difficult person to get along with and am certainly not intimidating in any manner. He could just as easily say "I haven't had a chance to get to the bank but I'll get there in the next couple of days" or "I haven't forgotten that I owe you money. I will get it to you." I would accept that without argument. Instead, he ignores it. In order to allow him to save face, I don't confront him.

Yesterday, I gave considerable thought to this and decided to cut him off. He will not find any more files in his email until I see the money. (He was due to pay on 21 Sept) I may or may not choose to continue on with him afterward. This kind of work is too easy to find and dealing with flakes is not something I do well. (As previously mentioned, Thailand Gal has a temper!)

It seems the best way to handle it without confronting him directly and embarrassing him. By cutting off the work flow, he will put the pieces together for himself and do the right thing. I get my message across, he saves face, I learn a healthier method of dealing with things and we all get what we want.

Believe me, this is a challenge! My previous way would have been to be very cold and sniping, burning a hole in him with my words. My temper is the slow-burning, icy kind. I am not proud of it. It is truthfully the worst of my considerable character defects.

We'll see how this method works. Meanwhile, I am walking many, many miles lately because I'm just plain pissed off!

:)


May all have a nothing-to-get-pissed-off-about day ~



Thailand Gal
~*~*~*

Now I'm really going to be poor....

Things are so calm and peaceful around here without V. drama that I am getting myself in trouble!

Today, I ordered a bunch of clothes for this winter. In particular, I ordered a load of sarongs in heavier material to wear for the winter. As I was entering my credit card number, it occurred to me that I should get my dusty old sewing machine out and make these by hand. Basically, they are just big pieces of material. With my lack of coordination, it took me a while to learn how to use them correctly. Anyway, if I start making the sarongs, I can spend money on other things. It is possible to order bulk fabric from Thailand.

I wish I had the talent to make all the things I buy. When I was a kid, I sewed constantly and was actually quite good at it. Of course, my reflexes were twice what they are now and I had one more eye! :) My bad eyesight is no joke! I am a female Mr. McGoo. (Test... who remembers Mr. McGoo?) Sewing is something that has always intrigued me. With the embroidery and such on many of these items, I would not be able to do it ~ but I'll bet a lot of it wouldn't be all that difficult. Eventually, I would like to take up Thai-style weaving.

Something to consider for rainy winter days.

Just in case anyone is interested in looking at some of this, perhaps trying a top or two, I get most of mine from www.thaicraftwarehouse.com Their tops are not very expensive and are very pretty! I am not trying to sell anything. I'm just trying to show off a beautiful clothing style!


May all have a wonderful evening!


Thailand Gal
~*~*~*~

Boomer Nation...

I was giving more thought to the Foley incident last night. It appears that a lot of people around my age, a bit older or a bit younger, are involved in scandals, using drugs, can not seem to hold on to a relationship and an assortment of indications that many baby boomers are perpetual adolescents.

After poking around on the web for a while looking for some statistics on this, they all appeared to be clouded by political agenda so I still don't know whether this is because there are just more of us or whether there is actually more of this behavior going on than ever before.

Dr Al Mohler had this to say: ""I hate the Baby Boomers. They're the most self-centered, self-seeking, self-interested, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, self-aggrandizing generation in American history . . ."

As a baby boomer, I have to admit that it fits a lot of us. At least I can admit that I had the longest adolescence known to man, woman, child or beast. Most of my friends seemed to be just about the same. While our ancestors spent time building families, working their asses off and trying to find a higher purpose, we determined that we are our own higher purpose.

The traditionalists yap endlessly about how we should return to "old fashioned values". I don't believe this is possible. How do we unring a bell? Anyone know how to do that?

It would also imply that we should go back to an age when minorities had to fight for an equal place in the social marketplace, that women had to be satisfied with a home-based life whether it fit her life or not, that we had to comply with a back-breaking work ethic and that, above all, we had to be conformists.

That ain't going to happen. Thank Ghod!

We baby boomers started out with the right ideas. We believed we could change the world and we did. Unfortunately, we went too far. Instead of creating balance, we determined that we shouldn't be burdened by responsibility to others and that we should get our way, simply because we exist. We believed we had to redefine everything, even the good stuff.

I personally believe that we all need responsibility to others to feel whole and connected, that mothers should stay home with children as long as possible so they will have parental influence instead of state influence and that we all need something bigger than ourselves to be content in life. There is only just so much personal gratification we can seek before it seems hollow and meaningless.

For many years, particularly right after I got sober, I lived a life in which I was free to pursue anything I wanted. I answered to no one and took guidance from no one. That stemmed from the belief that "all the answers are inside ourselves" as we were taught in the 70s, and that I was entitled to this freedom. After all, I exist! (As I've said before, Janis Joplin was right! Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. More on that another time.)

I wonder if that is why so many of us are hungry now. Personally, I've tried just about every consciousness movement in the history of this country. At one time or another, I've been involved in radical politics, fundamentalist religion, Esalen, EST, Native American shamanism, New Age spirituality and conservative politics. (Boy, was that last one a mismatch!)

Was I doing this because I was a dillettante?

No.

I was doing it because the core of me was empty and I was looking for something to fill it up. Each one promised that my life would be worth living, that I would be fulfilled, content and satisfied, as long as I followed their lead without thinking too much about it. With the exception of NA shamanism, all of those things demand lockstep compliance. They did not allow expressions of doubt. I doubt lots of things and am always looking for the underlying goal of any movement. It's my nature. I want to stick my finger in the wind.

Naturally, I have no evidence that I am typical of my generation. From what little I've read on the subject, there seems to be enough commonality to create at least correlation, if not connection.

My decision was to look outside my own culture and examine others. I found one that fits my natural instincts without having to cram pieces of me into a little box and it has the balance I want. It is sensible and time-tested. My searching is basically done. I am satisfied that it's the right thing. I'm not so arrogant as to believe it will be right for everyone.

What about the Foleys of the world? Rather than condemning them, we should study them. (This is not to say they shouldn't suffer consequences for their actions.) We should get inside their heads and find out what goes there. What are they looking for? Obviously, he wanted power. What caused his sexual wires to get so crossed that he would find satisfaction in such a sick manner? Why can't he deal with adult relationships? How much of it is uniquely him and how much is cultural? I believe having answers to this sort of thing is the only way we can predict it and change it.

I hope social scientists will really examine this. I'm sure they are. Unfortunately, I will probably be dead before the study is concluded!


May all have a day free of craving ~


Thailand Gal

~*~*~*~

Mark Foley and Alcoholism

I realize that hundreds of people have already blogged this topic and, yes, we all agree that he's a sleazeball, that he deserves some just punishment and that there is far too much of this kind of behavior in government and among celebrities. Somehow, they are immune from the consequences that would befall most of us. The ugly underbelly of moral corruption in this culture is beyond description ~ and beyond the scope of a basically chatty blog.

Most people are saying that Mark Foley is making excuses. While those of us who are sober recognize it as such, any ex-drunk (AA or not. I am not a member of AA) will tell you that he believes what he is saying. He honestly believes that if he goes into rehab and stops drinking, that the behavior will stop and all his problems will go away. Alcoholics are great at revisionist history.

One of the characteristics of alcoholic thinking is a strong belief in instant fixes. Our lives will always be better if only. All we have to do is stop drinking, change our thinking and start behaving responsibly and we will be just fine. At least for the next few days. That is the attention span of the average alcoholic. An alcoholic is a task master at rationalizing, justifying, manipulating and turning over the proverbial new leaf. We've all done it a thousand times. And each time we mean it! Each time is going to be the final time, the final success. We'll "get it" this time!

Instead of getting angry at Foley's alcoholism (if it is even authentic), we should stick to the issue. He is a pedophile. Maybe he is a pedophile who also happens to be an alcoholic. Who cares? We need to address his behavior. He needs to be kept away from young boys whether he is drunk or sober. Period. All the rest is buying into the alcoholic myth which also seems to have become a cultural myth. Everything will be just fine if we ignore it long enough. Everything will be just fine as long as we can tie it up in a neat little package, put a bow on it and present it for public consumption.

Not this time ~ and not when it involves kids! Protect them first. Who gives a flying damn what becomes of Mark Foley? He appears to be yet one more narcissistic, hedonistic sociopath who is only concerned with his personal gratification. He can rationalize, manipulate and make all the excuses in the world. That will not change who he is, drunk or sober. Maybe he will get a cell next to John Mark Karr.




Thailand Gal
~*~*~*

Alcoholic Friendships

An unusual topic, but there you go! There will occasionally, perhaps always, be odd topics here.

I probably mentioned that V. took off with a guy he met in detox. It is likely he has been with the guy since Friday. It reminded me of my own drinking days and the friendships we formed during those times.

When I was drinking, I was a regular at a neighborhood bar. Every day, five or six of us would gather at the same time and start our serious drinking. It was usually around noon. New people would come in occasionally and we would adopt them immediately. They became "part of the crowd" within minutes. Didn't matter whether it was a local retired person or an ex-con. He or she became part of our social network. He or she would be expected to show up regularly, participate in our endlessly bizarre conversations about nothing and to come to our defense if needed. Drinking was, of course, required.

When I was finally arrested for drunk driving, oh so many years ago, I counted on my "social network" to defend me, stand by me and walk me through the entire court process.

Guess what?

They never showed a hair.

This is not surprising. Looking back, I can see how shallow those friendships were, even with all the intensity of the moment. Drunken declarations of lifelong friendship were standard in our world, even though we meant not one single word of it five minutes in the future. We thought we did. We meant it when we said it. In that moment. We just had the follow-up skills of an infant.

"yerr maiii bess frennn in the whole wrrrrrld. I loooooovvvvvv yoooooo."

Not uncommon by any means and we said with heartfelt sincerity.

Now I see V. carrying on in the same tradition and can almost predict the conversations that have taken place all weekend.

Oh, I raise my coffee cup to the adolescent intimacy of alcoholic friendships! Wouldn't it be nice if it was really so simple?


May all have a wonderful Monday, free to laugh at the absurdity of our pasts ~


Thailand Gal
~*~*~

Pema Chodron and Bill Moyers

If any of you get the chance, be sure to watch "Faith and Reason" with Bill Moyers on PBS. It is one of my favorite PBS shows, right up there with "The Power of Myth" and Joseph Campbell.

Today, he interviewed Pema Chodron. I remember when she was a very, very important part of my education. In some ways, I have outgrown her a bit but she still always says something that makes me think.

She talked about attachment and the nature of attachment, especially attachment to security. This was always been a major issue for me and, honestly, I never felt any sense of security until I ended up with this small monthly pension that guarantees that I will always be housed and fed. That makes me fortunate compared to many.

It's something I used to obsess about, particularly when my entire world shattered in 1994 and I found myself in Tucson, Arizona. No money, no job, no friends. Just me and my ratty old Toyota Corolla. It was one of those wacky things we all experience at least once in a lifetime. I left Maryland on May 20th of that year and had no destination. I just drove. And drove. And drove. I landed in Tucson so I stayed for a few years. There is, of course, more to this story.

I left Maryland because my life had been threatened by a stalker. (If you can imagine, those who know me, that I would even draw the attention of someone like that!) At 4.00AM on May 20th, the situation reached critical mass and if I hadn't left, I would likely have been a homicide victim. How all of it evolved is a story for another day.

The important thing is that it was a pivotal event in my life and one that turned out to be among the most life-altering.

As commonly happens when we try to flow with the river instead of against it, I found alittle cottage to rent. It was small, 500 square feet or so, and had a cute little old-fashioned kitchen, a fair sized bedroom and a small livingroom. I really loved the place. Shortly thereafter, I sold some land and had adequate funding for a year or so. These things all just ... worked. I can't explain it.

I recall sitting on the couch in the small livingroom, staring at the brick wall. No metaphor there. It was brick! At that moment, I realized that there was nothing left inside. I was a shell. A completely empty vessel, ready for nearly growth I could possibly find. It wasn't so much that my life had been threatened. Death has never been particularly frightening. Poof. We're gone. No big deal. It was the realization that I had been drifting without moorings for years which is what led me to get involved in that screwy relationship. A healthy, strong, secure person would not have drawn that sort of person into her life. I did. It was the result of one of my not-so-good choices and, again, that's another story.

Once there, I had a strong feeling that I had been drawn to Tucson for a reason. Tucson is one of those places where spirituality just oozes from the pores of the place. It's very powerful energetically.

I began to explore Native American spirituality and it fit very well. Many of the principles remain with me today. The spirit world is a very organized place and many of the traditions are aware of that, even though the various metaphysical philosophies may express it differently.

I learned all about soul retrieval, shamanism, ecology, place entities - many of those things that really do make sense if you have any sense of the spirit world at all. The stuff that sounded like utter bunk was usually from someone who was trying to westernize and Americanize the concepts for the New Age market. The teacher I had in this process, a very wise shaman named Jana, would guide me in exploring all of these matters and constantly challenged me to challenge myself. The issue of security was a primary hindrance to my ability to run freely with it.

When I listened to Pema today, she made a point that many people have a tendency to fundamentalism. She didn't mean "fundamentalism" in the Christian sense exclusively. She was referring to the "all or nothing" approach to any religion, spiritual practice or political philosophy.

She nailed me. I have that tendency. Historically, when I give myself to something, I give totally, everything, all the way, completely and without reservation. Whether it is mystical Buddhism, Native American shamanism or a marriage, my heart and my soul are committed to it. I'm a rule follower. I like predictability. I like the idea that if I do "A", "B" will occur. I like logic... the tried and the true.

My commitment to the Thai way of life has been the first thing I've adopted that hasn't gone that way. That isn't to say that I cherry-pick the stuff I like and blow off the parts that may be a little difficult or challenging. There are plenty of social rules in the culture to keep me happy without turning me into a drone. I don't feel the need to become so absorbed that there's no room for anything or anyone else. All of my previous interests and friends are still a part of my life. This feels "right". It is free-flowing and soft. It is integrated into my daily life insuch a way that it doesn't appear pretentious or affected. This is the real me. It's not going to cave in or crumble because I screw something up. I learn from my misunderstanding of some cultural subtlety and move on.

So.. perhaps Pema is right. It is the attachment to security that creates much of our suffering. One of the things I learned most in Tucson is that there's really no such thing. We can create an illusion of security - but true security only exists inside of us ~ with our choices.

We are looking forward to the first rain of the season here. I love the rain! It has the feel of bathing the streets and buildings, making them shiny and clean. The sound of rain on the wooden roof of my deck is one of the most heavenly sounds in the world!


May everyone have a very peaceful Sunday evening~


Thailand Gal
~*~*~*

Co-opting culture.....

My friend and I had an interesting discussion at lunch today. Very politely, she raised the question as to whether I am "co-opting" culture and the possible ethical conflicts. She raised this within the context of a discussion we were having about the acculturation process in general.

In a word: No.

My interpretation of co-opting culture would be to assume the target culture should be adapted to my/our way of thinking or distorted to fit my/our own personal needs. In other words... hegemony.

What I have chosen to do is adopt it. That is an entirely different matter since it challenges me to change to fit it, not the other way around. It elevates me. I do not elevate it. It is not "taking the best and leaving the rest" like some kind of smorgasbord.

There are messages between the lines of what I do. By changing my view of the world, my behavior and my thinking, I am most definitely enriching my life and hopefully becoming a better companion and friend to the people who surround me. Personally, I believe it is making me a better person.

Using the clothing as an example, Thai clothing is very modest. While it is pretty, it certainly doesn't fit into this culture's standard of beauty. The particular style I have chosen is far more village than Bangkok. It is not "modern", not revealing, not provocative. Most of the skirts or sarongs I wear go to the ankle. Most of the tops do not show cleavage and those that do are tasteful. The message I am sending is "I am a modest person". In response, the external world sees that I respect my body. I respect the bodies of others. That is the exact message I intend to send.

The behavior I have assumed as a result of this is causing me to be more mindful and courteous. I put the sensibilities of others ahead of my own. The needs of others take on more importance. With an occasional lapse, I've learned to watch my temper and my words. Mindful speech matters. By giving up aggression and assertiveness, I allow myself and others to relate on a far more cooperative basis. It is a gentleness that appeals to most. Graciousness goes a long, long way.

I am not vegan but the transition of my diet to Thai-based has certainly brought me to a healthier diet. My diet includes a lot of vegetables, fruit and rice, very little red meat and quite a bit of fish. This certainly can't be harmful. Mindful consumption is important.

I have found that giving up materialism and consumerism has brought me to a higher respect for all life around me, the things around me and a consciousness of the way I view others. This culture teaches that human value is determined by participation in the economy. A lawyer has more value than a customer service representative, as an example. This culture diminishes the disabled, the elderly and the poor. It diminishes extended family. It places the individual above the common good. It diminishes primary relationships, turning them into utilitarian contracts. I am very aware of how much this has crept into my thinking and I have always been socially conscious, so I thought. Now, I deliberately watch for this and change it. It's very subtle and pops out in the most unexpected places. (Just today, I read a rather vile post on one of my Buddhism mailing lists in which a member ran down homeless people. Two years ago, I wouldn't have challenged it. Today, I did.) It has increased my compassion.

My ex-husband used to say that the only good idea is a better one. What he meant, in my interpretation, is that we should always be open to something new. This, even though I've been at it for a while, always poses new challenges and they are good challenges. How to live in a western setting with the values I am adopting encourages nearly constant growth. Sometimes we change the external and the internal follows along. That is the basis of all social engineering and can have a positive application as well as the more common negative one.

There is absolutely no truth to the notion that I am "co-opting" Thai culture. I respect it far too much. I have adopted it and try to live up to it as best I can. My only hope is that I will do it with the honor and respect it deserves.


May all have a peaceful, restful night ~


Thailand Gal
~*~*~

No Bodhi Tree in the Back Yard....

It's after 8.00 AM and I have just dragged my lazy, tired farang ass out of bed! It would not have occurred by now if it wasn't for one hungry pooch jumping all over the bed. Once I fed her, of course she had to go outside. Whatta shame! Autumn is here and sleeping is so cozy.

I have a few thoughts to share and they're not warm and fuzzy. One of the things I want to bring to the table in addition to the Thailand stuff is authenticity. It's important that it doesn't become a cutesy, shallow blog about clothes, housewares and adopted customs. Instead, I want to be able to communicate not only what led me to make the decision to move to Thailand but also what continues to convince me that it is Right Action.

If you read yesterday's blog, you know that V. bolted from rehab. That's his choice and it isn't my job to run him down or talk about how he should have done what others think he should have done instead of what he thinks he should have done. Those of us who are in recovery know that we get sober when we're ready to get sober - for our own reasons - not because someone else thinks we should.

What I want to talk about is the people who surround him. The cast of characters includes Che, one of his oldest and best friends. It also includes his mother, his sister, his brother and his girlfriend. Those are the key players. There are others, here and there.

One of the amazing things about group dynamics and being an outsider is that I can watch this stuff from a detached perspective. While I am a participant, it's not as part of the "inner circle". V. is a friend of sorts. He's not a close friend. He's a housemate. Sometimes he is a particularly annoying housemate. Sometimes I want to kick his ass. There are times when he gets drunk and plays loud music. At those times, homicide feels like a viable option.

There. I've said it. Thailand Girl is far from a saint. There's no Boddhi tree in the back yard. The short, stocky woman in Thai clothes is very human. I have a temper. Sometimes an f-bomb is the only thing that works when something is sufficiently irritating. Sometimes I am a judgemental witch widda "b". I'm opinionated. We're all subject to the vicissitudes of daily living and we all learn at different rates. I'm not so detached that none of this affects me. And growing is a hard process. There are times when it's harder than others.

Okay. Watching this interaction over the past few weeks has caused me to pause for thought.

Everyone in this drama has an agenda. Every person in his "inner circle" seems to have plans for V's life, regardless of his own. There are more egos around here than ~ as the old saying goes ~ Carter's has Farter-Starters. He is surrounded by a self-involved bunch of people. Each one has his or her own preconceived notion of what V's life will be after he gets sober. And each one has a personal stake in the outcome. His mother wants to see him make money so that he can pay her back for all the credit card debt he has incurred. His sister wants him to get sober so that she can claim credit since she is the one who tracked down the detox center and pulled strings to get him in on short notice. His brother just wants validation that he is doing anything at all. His girlfriend makes plenty of noise about wanting him sober but doesn't really. When he's drunk, he gets generous and buys her expensive stuff like plasma TVs. She's a good-time girl and that is apparent. Che wants to participate because when V. gets sober, he'll be able to work again and Che will make money from V's efforts.

There is not a single person in this who has said, "I want to see V get sober because he'll have a higher quality of life and will have choices that he does not have now."

This is utterly mind-boggling. At what point in human history did we determine that this sort of utilitarian manipulation of other people's lives for our own gain became not only acceptable ~ but a cultural more'? And what's worse is that speaking openly about it isn't even considered unseemly.

I'm not such a mindless, uneducated dolt that I believe this sort of thing doesn't occur in Thailand. There is no utopia. I am up on the news and the recent coup is certainly enough evidence that self-interest above the common good is alive and well, even in my beloved Land of Smiles. At the same time, I don't believe it is as prevalent in day-to-day life among regular folk like you and me. There is a gentleness and graciousness present in the culture that allows people to breath a little sigh of relief and relax. There is a social expectation of kindness that sooths a western soul and convinces us that there are in fact kind people in the world who aren't out to "get us" somehow. (Yeah, just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean..... bleh bleh.)

I want to hear just one person tell V. that he should get sober because he is a free human being who gets to make choices about his life. I want to hear one person tell him that even if others don't like it, that as long as he harms no one, he should make the choices that will give his life meaning and vibrancy. "Follow your bliss"! I want to hear one person tell him "I will stand behind you, even if your choices wouldn't be the same as mine." I want to hear one person say, "If you decide to run off and become a beach bum in Belize, I see nothing wrong with that. It's your life. You own it."

I'll be waiting a long, long time, I suspect.

It's going to be a lazy kind of day here. This ongoing drama is taking its toll. Aside from a lunch commitment already made and unavoidable, it will be a day of books, music, gardening and napping! (Anyone else finding more tomato worms than usual? It's become hand-to-hand combat between the little critters and my sheers. I do not kill them but carry them out to the front and drop them on the concrete.)

Sometimes taking a break from the world can restore us and that seems like the best thing for today and tomorrow. When I do this, there is no phone, very little TV or computer. Once I've checked the news, the TV is off for the day. It's fully restorative time with good food, beautiful reading and music ~ just getting back to the important stuff.


Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!


Tired Thailand Gal
~*~*~

Hellhouse and Beyond....

Today did not turn out to be "full Thailand mode" after all.

A few hours after I wrote my morning post, fully intending to disappear into Thailand-LaLaLand, we got word that V. bolted from rehab. For a while, we had no idea where he might be. Che had instructed us to not let him back in the house and we intended to follow that instruction.

Things don't always work out as we plan.

D. and I were talking in the back yard when the doorbell rang. I went to answer it and, sure enough, it was V. We had locked all the doors and gates. He was unable to get in on his own. We'd made it impossible for him to get any money. All of his credit cards are frozen, his bank account and so on. Needless to say, it was awkward. I'm not the sort of person who is comfortable with toughness. There is enough toughness in the world without my contribution. I couldn't turn him away. We let him into the house. Of course, he was initially angry about what we'd done and I apologized to him for following Che's instructions without critical thought and without consideration of V's position. We called Che, told him what had happened and he will be here later tonight.

V. had quite a tantrum, told us he was leaving, moving out on Sunday and an assortment of other unpleasant statements. The truth is that we want him to stay but we want him well.

V. went on to tell us that the detox center where he'd been taken was "full of bums" and that they did absolutely nothing to help him. He sat around all day, watching TV and talking with people who couldn't even hold an intelligent conversation. I do understand his frustration with that.

We're not sure what will happen now until Che comes over and talks with all of us, including V.

The stress of this hit me and it hit hard. I have been physically ill and emotionally drained all afternoon and evening. If I am up until 9.00 PM, it will be a miracle. I'm exhausted.

So.. it's been a rough day. Tomorrow, of course, is another day. Things will look differently after some rest and quiet time.

The thing I am most grateful for are the friends who surround me. I am especially grateful to CJ, my old friend and another ex-drunk, who called and knew I was in trouble before I even realized it. The gift of such friends is something I never thought was possible.

Thank you, CJ. Now I remember why I adopted you. :)

May all have a peaceful evening ~


Thailand Gal
~*~*~*

Thailand....

After watching the news this morning, all the violence and political propaganda, I am so ready for Thailand!

Some days I wake up and wonder why I am not there. Practical considerations aside, I begin to yearn for it. That's silly, I know. "Yearning" will not get me there. Nor will "wishing". Now is the time when I must carry out a practical plan and follow through on each part, as time consuming and frustrating as it often gets. This is the time when I must behave as an adult, even though I feel like a child. :)

The only thing holding me back right now is money. Mean green. That will only resolve itself at an unknown point in the future. I believe I know how it will occur, how that money will come to me, but I have no timeframe. It involves a trust and some other gnarly matters and that all depends on whether or not I have been disinherited. At this point, I have no evidence of that. My family situation is more of a "cold war". It's not full blown insurgency. No nukes have been launched from either side.

Not to get too far into that. It's a very touchy subject and far too personal for a blog.

Today is an empty day. I do not have to go anywhere or do anything. The dog is fine, I am fine, D. is fine, V is questionable but not in my hands. We have everything we need for today. So.. for now ... I will go into full "Thailand mode". I will surround myself with it, drink it in and be as satisfied as I can be with the circumstances.

I hope all will have a day filled with whatever makes you happiest ~



Thailand Gal
~*~*~*

Interesting and Funny Are Often the Same...

We (Shanti and I) just got back from our store run. I was out of a few things that are essential to life here. Fish sauce, eggs... Diet Coke. The store owners know me well enough now that they don't even complain about the dog. I'm very fortunate.

Anyway, I hurriedly got dressed, put on some flip flops and took off. It is a three-mile walk to the store and three miles back. It's a bit warm today so I didn't even bother to make an effort to look good. Bleh. Some days are like that. I didn't want to have to carry Shanti too far in the heat and she can't walk the mileage I do. She's just a little critter so I usually have to carry her 60% of the time. It was a race against the afternoon sun.

It was more crowded than usual at the store and it seemed people were coming and going in every direction. Immediately, I felt completely overwhelmed. My house is a very peaceful, quiet place. Additionally, I am blind in one eye which makes my range of vision fairly limited. Not complaining. It could be much, much worse since I would have no vision if it hadn't been for surgery a few years ago. Still, it makes my external environment trying at times, especially if there is a lot of activity. By the grace of Something Above, I managed to navigate the store, finding everything I need. Fish sauce, curry paste, brown rice, eggs and, yes, gawdblessit, Diet Coke!

I went up to the check out area and waited mindlessly. There were perhaps two others ahead of me. Of course this little store and the owners are known so everyone has to chat for a minute or two. It's accepted. We don't hurry each other. The owners of the store are an older woman and her son. Occasionally, I see his wife there but not very often. He is probably my age or a bit younger and his mother is likely mid-70s somewhere. She is my elder and I always respect her as such by greeting her in the traditional way. ("Sawadee kaa, Kuhn Suchin" with a little wai. She smiles in response.)

I felt some sort of human energy to the left side of me but didn't pay any attention. The people ahead of me were done and I dumped my stuff on the counter, greeted Kuhn Suchin and found my money buried in with the four tons of junk I carry around. Suddenly, I felt someone on my blind side put an arm around my waist. She said, "Oh, you are just darling!" Mind you, I have never seen this woman in all my life ~ not in the store, not on the street, not on the Most Wanted List for the local police. Seriously. I don't know who in the world she might be! She could be one of the Manson girls for all I know.

My instinctive reaction was to become irritated with someone for startling me like that, for touching me without permission (which is something I truly don't like) and for making me sound like a little Barbie doll. Darling? No. I am not "darling". I felt a momentary flash of anger.

I thought back to what I'd written this morning about kreng jai, keeping ego in perspective and realizing the world isn't all about me. It was a good opportunity to put some of that in practice. Despite the fact that she irritated me with her words, took liberties I did not give her and scared the cr*p out of me, I chose to look at her intentions. She meant to be kind in her own way. She meant to compliment me.

"Thank you,", I said to her, "It's kind of you to say that." I gathered up my stuff, picked up the dog and left.

We are all learning all the time. It's good to have a challenge occasionally to "practice as we preach". I stand corrected.


I hope all have a wonderful, sunshine-filled afternoon ~


Thailand Gal
~*~*~*

Kreng Jai, Ego and The Self

As usual, comments and email get my mind going. During the night, a few emails trickled in and the one that triggered these thoughts was from a man who questions the "nuances" of kreng jai. Nuance is hard to identify without a root understanding of the core.

So, I sat here with my tea and concentrated entirely on that question. A little bit of mor lam music and a pen and paper brought these thoughts. What is the core? What is the pivot? What makes it work? This is all speculative, of course, and just a smattering of my own thoughts on the subject. As always, I am open to correction or additional tidbits for thought.

My pen started flying and this is what came: It truly is the ability to put the self aside and focus on others. It is more than politeness. It is a healthy balance of ego than we generally see in this individualist-obsessed culture. It is the ability to fully realize and accept that "I" am not the center of the universe, that it's not all about me, my wants, my desires, my ambitions, my "self-esteem" (you have no idea how much I detest that phrase!), my position in the social marketplace, my rights, my identity.

Living in this world is a group effort. Regardless of how much we may want to get beyond this, we do need each other. When I was younger, the radio shrinks and psychology pundits in the media were yapping endlessly about self-sufficiency, making choices for our own benefit without regard to the impact on others ~ that being a good cowboy would lead us all to fulfillment. Self fulfillment and self-actualization became the watchphrases of the day. Instead of the intended result, we instead have a society of alienated, lonely people without any moorings. Divorce rates are higher than ever since we now expect instant gratification, instant intimacy and disposable people. Children are growing up without guidance as everyone is out to seek their own star. We have come to value independence over connection. Friendships are shallow and utilitarian. It was supposed to bring us "freedom". We find wisdom where we can and it would seem Janis Joplin was right. "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose." True freedom is something of an entirely different nature.

Social harmony requires social standards and behavior that is predictable. Kreng jai offers social harmony. It offers a grounding influence in an often chaotic and random world.

It also does offer some benefit to the self as well. If I had to do a off-the-cuff analysis of my social relationships today as compared to my social relationships of 30 years prior, I would say that the lovingkindness I experience from others and have been able to offer others in return has increased by several orders of magnitude. I believe people want to express this part of themselves but need to know they are doing it with a safe person who will not harm them for allowing that vulnerability. The quality of my interactions has improved in every imaginable way. Deep listening, right speech, kreng jai and other fairly simple principles have provided me with the ability to have a life worth living, a life that is filled with laughter, joy, compassion, empathy and authenticity. We are a wonderful species, if we just allow our true nature to prevail over a social engineering program designed to benefit a small elite. Think about it!

One final note for my ex-drunk friends watching for updates: V. is fine. He has settled into the facility. It's difficult to know yet whether it is acquiescence or resignation but he seems to have connected with a few other guys and is spending time interacting with them. Physically, he is doing much better. We miss him here at the house, although we certainly don't miss his drunkenness. It will be good to have him back when he gets well.


Wishing everyone true freedom ~


Thailand Gal
~*~*~*

Khorat and Khon Kaen

Just a few pictures of the area where I will be moving. Khorat and Khon Kaen in North-Eastern Thailand. Okay. I am new to this picture thing so please be patient with me. :) The upper right picture is the one on my screensaver. This is what I see in the evening as I relax in my den.

Peaceful night, all ~



Thailand Gal
~*~*~*

Terrell Owens and Kreng Jai

Two things to mention this morning:

As I sit here, CNN is showing a news conference with the coach of the Dallas Cowboys. The reporters are asking him about the possible attempted suicide of a player named Terrell Owens. The coach was visibly angry and left the conference. Who can blame him?

I just have to ask: How is probing into that man's personal pain going to benefit the news-viewing public? Why is it necessary to fill the airwaves with this intrusive examination of his life? This is the kind of tacky, tasteless news coverage that camoflages the real issues of the day that should be brought to public scrutiny. Bush and Company continue to trash the country while we talk about the private lives of celebrities and athletes. Talk about Nero fiddling while Rome burns!

For the sake of all that is good, let that troubled man work out his personal issues in private! We don't need to know! I wish him well. He needs friends, family and professional help - not the gawking mouths of public citizens (including reporters) who don't know him but want to capitalize on his misfortune.

This brings me to the main topic of the day. Someone asked me last night on an email list what it is that draws me so strongly to Thailand. (Thanks for making me think about this, Carlos. :) Simply put, it is kreng jai.

Kreng jai is more than just a behavior, although it will definitely manifest that way. It is a way of viewing the world and our place in it. It is a way of viewing others. It is graciousness. It is consideration of others before the self. It is an ability to take joy in the success of others. It is non-competitive. It is thoughtful. It is compassionate. It is a way of considering our words and the impact they have on the general energy pool. It is a commitment to kindness. It is reserve. It is dignity.

It is the antithesis of what I perceive in my culture of birth (as opposed to culture of choice) which is dedicated to individual success at all costs, assertiveness that often comes across as rude or pushy, competition and focus almost exclusively on "self-esteem".

One is repugnant to me and the other is soothing, comfortable and natural.

While many people get a kick out of my theatrics with the clothes, the furnishings, the cooking and the lifestyle, I want to communicate the depth of this, too. That stuff is fun and I definitely enjoy doing it and I enjoy the pleasure it seems to bring to friends. Allowing my creative, quirky, eccentric side to express itself matters, but I also want to be very clear that I am not making a major move to the other side of the world because I think the clothes are cool. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but I'm not stupid enough to move for such a frivolous reason. Thailand holds such a strong soul connection that I am willing to do the hard stuff by acculturating myself over again and starting a whole new life post-50. Thailand is home to me. It's time to go home. I am soul-weary. Not depressed. Not upset. Just soul-weary and wanting to go home.

I'm not a particularly high intellect, nor am I an old soul with any special wisdom. I'm just an ordinary person and an ex-drunk who has a history of making some very bad choices in life. When looking at those bad choices closely, it became apparent that breaking it down and examining it with brutal honesty was necessary to create a life I can live with and that will be worth sharing with others. That will free me from root survival mode to an ability to contribute to the well-being of the world instead of using my energy trying to hide from the onslaught of verbal, physical and spiritual violence and toxicity in this culture.

This has been with me for many years, long before the booze or the other chaos of my young years. It has been around long before my family and I came to a parting of the ways. It was long before a series of trashed relationships and broken marriages that left me even more battered and bruised by trying to fit into a foreign world.

At nine years old (and in my day, that was a little kid - not a little adult), I got in trouble at school for questioning competition and saying it was wrong. By the time I was 14 in middle school, I was in trouble for challenging capitalism. It wasn't possible to fit in with the social values of marketcentric culture so it was difficult to make friends. I can not and will not commoditize other people or myself.

Given all of this and much more, it is my way of saying that "kreng jai" was a part of me before I knew what it was called. It is my primary reason for making the decision to move to Thailand. The natural beauty of Thailand and the nice people are important but not important enough to stage a move of this magnitude.

That's enough soul-searching from Thailand Girl today! It was a long night so a movie and some relaxed time on the futon with the Great Dog Shanti sounds very, very appealing.

One last note for my ex-drunk friends who want to know V's status: He is at this point argumentative and threatening to bolt from the detox center. Hopefully, the professionals there will be able to talk some sense into him. We are not allowed to call or visit him during the detox period. Continue good thoughts, please. Give him peace.


I hope all will have a wonderful, peaceful day ~


Thailand Gal
~*~*~*