Sawadee pi mai... 2008

สวัสดีปีใหม

It is 2008 in Thailand so this is when I will come out of lurkdom to wish everyone a wonderful New Year.

I know it is traditional to come up with a laundry list of resolutions but it's just not how I do things. I believe when we cloud ourselves too much with specific expectations, we miss too many good things that come along with simply remaining open. One of the things I've found most challenging is to wake up each day and say "yes". Say yes to any opportunity that may present itself that will allow me to give something to someone who might need it, to recognize the importance of being; being available and being conscious. I want to be present and available for the good things that come in small gestures, exchanged words and gentle kindnesses.

So that is my wish for everyone this year. May you always wake up and say "yes".

S'wadee pi mai.


~Chani

Coming Up For Air....

Just coming up for air... taking an opportunity to say hello.

I've been reading, sewing, shopping on eBay, taking naps, watching movies, doing yoga, had a few marathon phone calls and generally relaxing. My presence in the blogging arena has been negligible but I did get into a few interesting comments-section debates, here and there.

I'll be back in better form after the first of the year. There are a few things to talk about but I haven't written them up yet.

Thank you for all the lovely comments left to my last post. Wow.. 45 people sent me good wishes. I feel rich.. full. How can things not go well with all that awesome positive energy floating around? It was wonderful. Thanks so much. :)

Hope everyone had a good holiday, if you celebrate. If not, I hope you've been having a peaceful time.



~Chani

Cozy...

I may be a bit scarce around here over the next few weeks.

There's nothing wrong and I don't have anything negative in my life at all. Sometimes I just find it worthwhile to escape the saturation of the holiday season. It is my time to read books, watch movies, keep up on my private email (which, of course, I welcome), get my sewing done (I have a pile), putter around and occupy myself in renewing and refreshing ways while others are doing the Christmas thing.

I may not be as present in commenting for a while. One thing I want to be clear about though is that it is only temporary. I am not bailing. All of you are still valued in my little corner of the universe. Unfortunately, I have exhausted my repertoire of holiday-centered thoughts or comments. The well has run dry.

I will be back to commenting, too, as soon as it's over. I might still pipe in on non-holiday-related messages.

I'll still be reading all the blogs in my reader though. I will smile when I read of your happiness and cringe when something doesn't go as you'd planned. I wish you all the best of the season and rejoice in your celebration.

See you all soon.... and, please, be at peace. Celebrate well and let it fill your soul like warm flowing honey!

~*

Sacred Life Sunday: Remembering Who We Are...

At this time of year, I remember what it was like when life was different, before Thai culture, before my own transformation into who I have chosen to be today. I think about those who are not so fortunate to discover what I discovered, to choose what I chose and to have my heart literally swell with gratitude for what it's brought me and what it has offered the world. My life is rich because of it.. and that wasn't always so.

There was a time when I sat in a little apartment, wondering why I was such a loser that I couldn't be included in the festivities like others. I remember what it's like to watch one movie after another in hopes that I would simply forget what was going on "out there". In an even earlier incarnation, I remember what it was like to get drunk and stay drunk until it was over. I didn't know or understand that I could really make choices so I kept wearing those ill-fitting shoes until my feet were swollen and blistered.

I put myself through all that torment for absolutely no reason because when all is said and done, the unrealistic cultural expectations foisted on people in every available and technologically possible venue are just ... crap.

They're crap.

It serves no one when we judge ourselves by trumped-up standards and crush our own spirits.

We humans are choice-making beings. We get to choose the lifestyle we'll live. We get to choose to recognize crap when we see it or hear it and cull it out.

For those who are marginalized for one reason or another, this is a good time to remember that families, friends and lives come in an assortment of configurations and all of them are just as valid as the next. Dominant culture sets up an ideal because it benefits a certain demographic to have it that way. If it doesn't serve you, get rid of it. "If it's miffy, let it go."

There are so many possibilities for all of us. This world comes with a huge assortment of ways of life for us to choose. There are hundreds of holidays, hundreds of religions, hundreds of political philosophies, hundreds of choices.

I play with holidays, even in my chosen way of life. I adapt them to fit what I want them to fit and act on them accordingly. One day, I'll write more about that. (And probably piss off some Thai uber-traditionalist who will disapprove but that's a risk I'll take.)

Since coming to the realization that I can choose, my life has improved beyond all of my own desires. I can wish others "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" with a high degree of sincerity because I choose to honor all ways of life. I can even pluck out a thing or two that I like about it. I really enjoy the music of Christmas. "O Holy Night" makes me cry. ( Click here to hear the one that reduces a usually stoic Chani to a pile of wet cheeked, running nose, blubbering. :)

My main point is that recognizing that I have choice widens and expands my world. There's no longer a need to try to cram myself into a box someone or something else constructed and then feel diminished because we can't help it when critical parts of our being fall out the sides.

I wish for everyone that choices will become clear, that the knowledge necessary to make a choice that fits will appear effortlessly and that your life will be enriched by your choice.

For those who have consciously chosen a way of life that is not working out and is leaving you feeling diminished, I wish you peace.

~*

Finding Purpose....

I'm finding that I don't have much to say lately.

Believe it or not, I spent last night reading "The Purpose-Driven Life" which although a thoroughly Christian book, includes many universal principles as well and emphasizes that we all have a reason for being here. It presents a formula for finding it based on Biblical principles. It was quite popular a few years back and I bought it at that time. It's been gathering dust on my bookshelf after both of my house mates read it. I didn't touch it until recently.

If I were to say that Christian thought has brought nothing to my life, I would be lying. The fact is that I've gotten much value from it. One of the greatest things is the entire concept of universal principles and the fact that there is something to learn from everything.

One day while musing with Pastor Jones, someone with whom I have a casual friendship (which means I love shooting the breeze with him about religion) he gave me a website that is supposed to help us discover our individual spiritual gifts.

It was an interesting little test which told me that I am a teacher and an exhorter. The questions can be answered in any context. Since I am not an evangelical Christian, I answered them in the context of my political and cultural viewpoints. The descriptions of the gifts sounded on-target.

(If you want to take the test, click on "website" rather than my link in the last paragraph which are general descriptions.)

One of the things I've been feeling strongly lately is that I don't have much purpose. It's like I'm waiting, waiting, waiting. I can't get past the feeling that my life will begin when I get to Thailand. I have a need to be around likeminded others where I can share a common worldview and use my talents to contribute to that. That is how I get my reinforcement and we are better prepared to act when we have reinforcement.

I feel rather empty and useless here. One day passes after another and each one is the same. I'm bored with myself and with my existence which is why I don't seem to have as much to say here. I've spilled the contents of my philosophical repertoire, have made the points I can make in what often feels like a "foreign" environment. (I say that advisedly, only to indicate that my worldview is very different from the environment where I am living.) It feels as though I am not growing very much because we grow by experience, not just sitting around.

And that frustrates me horribly. Sometimes it even begins to depress me because I do want to be contributing something. It seems these days that I am only coasting and that's a rather hollow way to live.

Bleh!

~*

Continuity....

Earlier tonight, I was sitting here making up memes. I do this rather frequently actually but would never put them out as such. They are just thoughts that pass through my mind but I recognize that many of them would not be appropriate for blogs. I tend to dig all the way to the roots of things and my "memes" are very challenging that way.

However, anything I do put out, feel free to steal it if you like.. and write about it on your site.

It occurs to me that most of us have one fundamental belief, something we cling to, something that makes the world make sense. It keeps us going through all the craziness, all the tragedy, all the inconsistencies and all the experiences of ourselves and others.

For me, it is the belief that people are inherently good. This is immutable. It can't be changed because without the possibility of redemption, the world makes no sense at all. If we weren't good, we wouldn't be redeemable.

So what is the belief that keeps you sane?
~*

Idle thoughts.....

I am knee-deep in a book. That is probably where I will remain the rest of the day. "A Christmas Carol" is on TV. (Yeah, so... stop laughing. It's rude. I like the symbolism. )

It's Just Posts Day. Check them out. There's certainly something far more interesting there than here. :)

Will someone let me know if there's something wrong with this? Is Blogger down? This post has been sitting here inactive for five hours.

Thanks.

~*

Doesn't Play Well With Others....

Okay. I admit it. I don't play well with others.

That isn't to say I am obnoxious or mean. It doesn't imply that I am not cooperative. I am probably overly cooperative.

But I simply can not bring myself to go along with something, just because someone somewhere wants me to do so.

I have to believe it. I have to feel it. It has to mean something to me.

And yet this comes in conflict to a degree with what a good and trusted friend called "doing what's right for the community."

I am willing to follow rules. In fact, I like rules. I like rules because they enhance harmony. If we all know what is expected of us, it's much easier to get along. Rules free us from too much frivolous choice-making that interferes with getting to the heart of any matter, getting to the important stuff.

Where I part company apparently is with group activities. They've never appealed to me because there's something about groupthink and group dynamics that just. leave. me. cold.

Where is this incomprehensible tirade coming from?

It comes from a discussion I have been having via email with Ajahn S about holidays.

I hate to think I might be a cultural dissident, even in the culture I chose, the one I value so highly that I turned my life inside out to be a part of it, but it seems that some inherent personality traits are more powerful than my commitment to fitting in. I've been extraordinarily lucky in fitting in to that culture. It seems to have happened by some power beyond me. That is how natural it seems. I love that way of life. At the same time, I can't bring myself to engage in ritual that doesn't feed my soul. That is especially true when I can't see how it is feeding anyone's soul.

Maybe I am too cynical. Maybe I'm too analytical. Maybe I'm just a royal pain in the ass.

The truth is that holidays simply don't speak to me on a personal level. Not here. Not there.

S. believes that sometimes we have to do what's best for the community, even if we don't really want to do it. I believe that. There are many cases where the community comes before the individual. In that, I am totally committed to not doing anything that harms community.

Yet when it comes to group celebration, I find it exceedingly easy to say no, to walk away and to ignore it. Completely. Not in a hostile "this is stupid" kind of way but simply in a "this doesn't interest me" way. I will admit honestly that I lose no sleep over this.

I don't see this as harmful to community in any way. No one is going to go to bed hungry or sleep on the street because Chani doesn't care about group celebrations. No one is going to be hurt because I don't care.

S. is implying or perhaps just suggesting (kindly, of course) that it is self-indulgent on my part to hold this view.

I would be curious to hear what others think. Honesty or self-indulgence? (I won't be offended by either answer.)

~*

Sanuk is not a four-letter word....

I've been wanting to address this particular topic for a while but wasn't quite sure how to do it. Most people who read here are fairly tolerant of my being an open cultural dissident but I haven't previously gored too many sacred cows.

The supposed "work ethic" is one I've wanted to gore for a long time. Each time I've started to do so, the post gets far too long because these things develop historically. Then they are shaped socially. They don't come out of a vacuum. The posts ended up reading like a sociology white paper and that isn't what I want to do here. At the same time, it is worthy to examine this because it is hurting families and communities.

So.. briefly, here's the history:

Most societies prior to The Reformation didn't have a work ethic - which isn't to say they didn't work. They worked to get the food and goods they needed to live. Sometimes they worked three days in a week, sometimes four days, sometimes seven. Once their basic needs were satisfied, they spent their time doing other things that mattered to them. They spent time with their families or engaged in community activities.

In order for capitalism to thrive, that way of life needed to end. Protestant religious leaders such as Calvin and Luther made work a calling. It was considered a way of serving God. The more you did, the more God would favor you. So creating profit became a virtue.

The more money someone made, the more he or she would be considered as receiving favor from God. In other words, God likes rich folks better than poor folks. (This is where prosperity theology which I mentioned yesterday originated.)

Since societies are generally more secular now, there isn't quite the same emphasis on working for God. Instead, it is considered a sign of "good character" and "success" is defined by the amount of money one has and the power he or she exerts over other people. This idea is consistently pushed by business people, religious leaders, corporations, politicians and teachers.

The social values that follow are that those who work hard must have good character. Those who are poor must have bad character because they are unable to work hard and take advantage of opportunities.

So that is the core of the legitimization of a whole status system as being based on individual effort rather than class or social structure.

The truth is that it is a complete myth.

For one thing, it assumes there is a "level playing field" and that everyone has the same access to education and opportunities. The truth is that most poor people don't "make it". Real wages are going down because of all the unnecessary work that is being done and most people are treadmilling their way through life without anything necessarily satisfying to show for it at the end. Fairness is also a myth. People can work hard all their lives and still be poor at the end.

Still the ideology, the values and the culture of the work ethic continues on. It doesn't continue by accident or through momentum. It is actively promoted.

Schools are, of course, the first place the indoctrination begins. Classes are fashioned after work places where children are taught to work hard, to show up on time and to do what their teachers tell them. They are a place where there are bosses (teachers) and workers, where time is structured and activities disciplined. There's been quite a bit of talk about the amount of homework children are required to do, getting them to work even when they are away from school and at home is part of pushing the work ethic. Creativity and talent are often sacrificed for this regimentation.

The most destructive means of promoting the work ethic is through the negative attitude toward people on welfare or disability. And this is something that goes on in all cultural media. The media love to denigrate the unemployed. Newspapers and television programs include stories about 'people on the dole' who don't want to work and who are just enjoying themselves at the taxpayers' expense. This is all part of the strategy of blaming unemployed people for their own situation, by saying 'Well it's because they don't want to work', rather than acknowledging that there isn't enough work for everyone.

That is not to mention unemployment income and disability income, both of which are notoriously low. Interestingly (or not), disability income is just a bit higher because it is perceived that those who are disabled are not at "fault" for their inability to work. On a personal note, I can tell you that I am now living on one quarter of what I earned when I was working. I worked in the Information Technology field making in the $40-50K a year range. I now live on less than $15K a year.

Honestly, it benefits employers to have the unemployed. It allows employers to set up a horrid system of competition where small groups of people must dogpile each other for one job opportunity. This system allows employers to keep wages low. Just in case people might find alternative lifestyles, manage to live on less income, not be desperate for work, and not provide an army of reserve labor competing for the jobs, the propaganda system plods on. Once welfare was introduced after the Second World War there has been a policy of making welfare as unattractive as possible: by not paying people very much, by always searching for those who might exploit the system, by having work tests, by stigmatizing the unemployed through the media, so that they don't have any self respect and feel worthless because the work ethic says that your worth is totally based on the work you do and your income.

There's not enough room left on my template to even bother talking about how consumerism perpetuates this whole cycle.

This is the point: With people living lives that are so dominated by their work, they don't have time to do the things that make people happy; spending time on relationships, with friends and family or pursuing their talents. Many people don't even have time to sleep well and their health suffers. Levels of stress are increasing, suicide is increasing as well as escalating levels of depression, and meanwhile it goes on, producing more and more in order to keep people in jobs, when all the extra production is only creating more and more unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

But very few get off the treadmill. No one wants to be unemployed because the unemployed are denigrated and the income so low. So, while at one point in history the work ethic may have been useful in raising living standards, it has run its course. We need to look for other, more humane, organizing principles for our societies.

We humans have lots of qualities other than the ones needed to work and make products. And those qualities have been far too long neglected.

~*

Lead Where I Follow....

Some of you may have been wondering where this month's "Accentuate the Positive" has gone.

Truthfully, it died a quiet death.

Two practical reasons and one more philosophical.

1) I didn't get any response when I mentioned it last week. No one submitted anything. I mean... nothing.

2) The few things that came in from Blog Carnival were in my opinion, one step above blog spam, the equivalent of prosperity theology which I am not willing to support on this site. That's a judgment call on my part and a decision I made based on the kind of values I want to support on this site.

3) Possibly the most important one is that I am not a "leader" type personality. I am not willing to promote, pursue or try to motivate others to do any given thing. I would have been a terrible missionary.

Contributing to the other forums out there is ok with me. I'm happy to contribute posts to Julie's Roundtable or Just Posts and don't have the need to have my own forum.

Don't get me wrong. Accentuating the positive is certainly important and if someone else decides to run with it, I will contribute. It's simply not my nature to do what is necessary to keep it going here.

I believe we come to this earth with different personal styles and gifts. Some of us are leaders. Some of us are followers. Some of us are in between. I fall into the latter category. I follow the things I choose to follow and ignore the rest. There's nothing I feel particularly compelled to follow. My choices are based on the overall philosophy promoted in any particular action. There has to be commonality between my ethics and values and those someone is trying to promote. I'm very political that way. I don't go along to get along when it comes to my most dearly held beliefs and values. That, like anything else, can have both a positive and negative application. On the good side, I'm right there to support someone whose views I believe have a good influence in the world. On the negative side, I can be a bit judgmental.

There's a time I would have taken this entirely differently. I would have believed it was all my fault, that no one takes me seriously, that it's just more evidence that I am not "good enough". It would have been a personal blow. I would have taken it totally personally and would have tortured myself for weeks to come.

Thank goodness I don't live in that Awful Place anymore. That kind of self-absorption is a real energy drain.

There are different characteristics and talents we are given when we come to this life, all of them valid and good. The healthiest and best way to look at it is that we don't "fail". We just discover the traits and characteristics that are part of our personal tool chest and what is needed for our personal paths. While I may not be a "leader", I am influential to a degree in a less dynamic way. The most important thing to know is that we all come with the exact tools we need to fulfill our own destinies. There is no judgment attached to that in that one tool does not have more inherent value than another tool, although corporate propaganda would certainly disagree. The value becomes an issue only in how we choose to use our tools.

What I can and will do is continue to use this site to create positivity through the discussion of certain values and ethics, a way of life, with my own writing and contributions on other sites.

~*

Sacred Life Sunday: Refuge

~*

When I came back from Thailand, one of the things I realized is that I would need a refuge. My own sacred space. It would be the place that would allow me to shut out the rest of the world and feel at home. This is something we all need. I believe that.

The world can be overwhelming, especially for someone like me who treasures peace and quiet. Sometimes the lights are too bright outside. The noises are too loud. People are too aggressive. I feel battered and bruised. I need a space that surrounds me like a cocoon. A womb.

My living space is small. A granny unit. I had to figure out how I could create that, given my limited space. It started small. An item here and there. A silk throw. Pillows. I filled my space with Thai decorative items, Thai furniture. I cook with Thai cookware, imported. (Thank you, eBay!) My flatware is Thai.

So. I'm obsessed. I admit it. I'm committed. Or perhaps I should be but I am in awesome love with my spirit's home.

Seriously though, this is what keeps me grounded. My little sacred space with the things that sooth me all around.

Please tell me about your sacred space.



~*

We Each Have Our Own Path....

After writing yesterday's post and reading the comments, one of them got me thinking.

Flutter asked at what point we stop wanting our parents to be what we want them to be.

For me, that was a long road. I honestly believe that one of the things we all need in this life is a path. We need guidance. We need a faith. Regardless of what we may choose to call it, we all put our faith in something, usually something bigger than us. When we are in touch with that, we have a greater understanding of our own fallibility.

I no longer need Helene to be what I want her to be. The reality is that she came to this life with her own path, just as I came with mine. Whatever we had to learn from each other has been done and I feel "clean" about leaving that relationship behind. We are done. And that's okay.

For any survivor of child abuse, I suspect there's a period of time when we need to blame our parents. All of our personal shortcomings and failures are put on their doorsteps. The anger is normal and natural. The truth is that Helene had me for 18 years but I've had me for 38 years. At this point, I am responsible for my own shortcomings and my own failures. I am also responsible for the good stuff.

There's a point when we grow up and realize that those people who raised us were fallible human beings. They are people who had children at a young age and most of us, if we look back truthfully, can only guess what we might have done at the age of 19 or 20.

Helene was 20 years old when she had me. She has her own karma and her own woundedness. The worst years of the abuse would have had her between 25-40 years old. From my vantage point now, she was a kid herself. Like me, she has created her own reality. I would say that having a husband who committed suicide and a daughter who will not associate with her is punishment enough. (Not that I am exacting punishment. I wouldn't wish that on that on anyone!)

But the reality is that in order for me to be alright, I can not be around someone who diminishes me. Maybe I'm not that strong. I would rather surround myself with people who are positive, uplifting and content enough with themselves that they don't require another human being as an emotional punching bag.

We reap what we sow. And I long ago came to the conclusion that the mistakes she made are not mine to judge. That's for a much Higher Court than any I will preside over.

What I can do is keep a close watch on what I do, what I believe, how I treat others. Because that's my path.


~*

Mothers and Daughters, Redux

This is a portrait of a woman. One woman. And her impact on another life.

It's about my mother. This morning while reading posts with my coffee I came upon a post that made me stand up and take notice. The writer defined something so central to my mother's and my relationship (when we still had one) that I nearly gaped.

Funny that I couldn't define it before but sometimes when we're too close to something, it's difficult to see it clearly. It becomes blurred and far too long.

Anyway, my mother. Helene.

Helene was always beautiful and she knew it. She was interested in acting and singing which is probably why she was drawn to Los Angeles. She hounded my father relentlessly until he finally left his family, her family and all their joint relatives to head off across the country. Literally. From the east coast to the west. Helene was a very vain and very selfish woman.

Still, she wasn't happy. There was no Lana Turner story in her future, no matter how much she wanted it. She joined all the requisite groups, participated on the periphery of that world as much as possible. Just the same, outside of being hired for one commercial, she never made it big in Hollywood.

Shame!

Anyway, I was five or six years old then and she must have realized that although her own dreams might not come true, she could make them come true through me. If I didn't show the appropriate interest, that is when the abuse would start. It would be communicated on no uncertain terms that I was a failure and a disappointment. She would leave pictures of the daughters of her friends on the mantle because they were "good girls". Mine was not there. You do the math. Helene was not one to mince words and when she was disappointed, by God, someone was going to pay.

If I, a tomboyish kid, didn't want to go to the Barbizon School and spend time trying on clothes at Mackie's Deb Shoppe, it could only be because I was an inferior creature who didn't understand fully enough what my destiny was to be. I was being belligerent and rebellious. Belligerent or rebellious children did not deserve to be loved.

I was a bookish, nerdy kid who had no interest in those kinds of things. Never a girly-girl. I would rather get lost in biographies and hike in the mountains. Well.. if you consider Bel Air to be "the mountains" but let's not quibble! :)

During the years at home, I withdrew more and more. I found comfort in my books, in the radio, in television. I spent most of my time away of school hiding in my bedroom. I lived for the times when I wouldn't have to appear for a family dinner, preferring to take my food to my room where I could watch TV away from everyone else. During the weekends, I would take long, long walks and then come home to my room.

I didn't want to be anywhere near that woman because of the relentless criticism for every petty, minor infraction. If I held a fork wrong.. or spoke out of turn. If I wasn't dressed right. If my hair wasn't combed correctly.

Silence was always safe. I wanted to be invisible. If I kept everything I thought, believed or wanted to say inside, I would be safe. I learned how to separate from my Self. All these things were happening to someone else, not me.. not the me I protectively wrapped in an unpenetrable bubble. Life took on a feeling of unreality. It was like living in a movie.

The result of that is that it took a very long time to learn to know what I wanted or didn't want. I automatically assumed that my own thoughts were not reliable, that I was not reliable and I should not trust myself. I often trusted the wrong people to guide me. They were people who wanted to use or hurt me.

When I got old enough to move out, I went out into the world totally unprepared. I moved into a small cottage in West Hollywood and while I felt as though I could finally breathe without having to withstand the onslaught of criticism from that woman, I didn't know the first thing about maintaining myself. I made a ton of mistakes, some of them life-altering and very hard to repair. I also discovered alcohol.

I say all of this because in the post I read this morning, the woman/mother writing acknowledged that her children are not extensions of herself. She would never allow herself to feel disappointed because her children might not like or value the same things she does. All I could say is "yay!" and privately I thought "you just saved yourself a lifetime of heartache, not to mention your kids" because the cost of trying to live through someone else is very high for both sides.

We all come to this planet with our own lessons to learn. We (according to my belief) agree to certain situations because that is what our soul requires to grow. I believe I chose my mother because it forced me to separate myself from that, to recognize that my life belongs to me, that I can trust myself, that I have everything I need.

But it was a hard road, harder than it needed to be. I still carry the scars from that mother/daughter relationship, the one where the standards were impossibly high, that I couldn't have measured up because I simply don't have the talents she required of me. The consistent sense of my own inferiority is something that will probably never leave. I've learned to make peace with it.

These days, Helene and I don't have a relationship. That must be part of the agreement we made before we came here to live out this karmic dance. At the same time, it's a very painful road.. for both of us, I'm sure.

~*

Gays in the Military....

Last night, I sat and watched the Republican YouTube debate. As always with these things, I have an outsider's view and often find myself agreeing with both sides. As someone who in US terms would be described most accurately as a fiscal liberal and a social conservative, there are things said that I agree with wholeheartedly and some things that sound like drivel. And that's on both sides of the political spectrum.

The debate posed about gays in the military offended me horribly, both as a social conservative and a community member. I can't imagine anyone justifying the marginalization of any segment of the population, especially when it's based on false data. In common terms, I call that "propaganda".

One of the candidates stated that he believed the "don't ask/don't tell" policy was correct because most people who join the military are "conservative" and subscribe to "Judeo-Christian values".

That's garbage.

Most of the people who join the military are minorities and poor people. There are campaigns used by the military to draw them in, promises of college funds and benefits. Many people see it as a way out of poverty and that's an entirely valid reason to choose it.

Why not present it that way? Honestly.

When social conservativism becomes nothing more than a tool to marginalize and discriminate against members of the population, whether it be religion or s*xual orientation, it is wrong and loses its credibility. It is a misapplication of the entire concept. Social conservatism is about traditional values which has almost as many definitions as "blue". What are "traditional values"? Whose values?

Do those values really represent a majority of people in the community? I would say not. If traditional values would loosely be defined as "character, commitment and courage", how can it be seen as courageous, good character or a sign of commitment to imply that an entire segment of the population is lacking those things so completely that they should not be permitted to serve?

Not only is that infantilizing, it is bigotry. The implication then is that gay people are unable to understand appropriate behavior, that they can not control their s*xual impulses enough to work in a group with those who are unlike them. It also perpetuates the idea that gay people want to "recruit" straight people as though it is some bizarre competition where those with the most members at the end wins?

I call that "ignorance". It is no more and no less ignorant than creating social policy based on ethnic stereotypes.

What say you?
~*

Answer as though you are not afraid....

This morning, I was searching around through various blogs and came upon Frida's site. She encourages everyone to answer 35 questions that were originally published in Vanity Fair.

I am always reluctant to answer these kinds of questions. It seems as though they presuppose certain answers. Those answers are not typically my answers. I'm always concerned that my answers will accentuate my eccentricity which is difficult for some people to deal with. They want and expect me to be more mainstream, more predictable, more "normal".

Lately, I've been coming to understand that I will never be a "normal" person. I will always be offbeat and unpredictable. The things I value and love are different than what most people who surround me value and love.

And that's okay.

I'd encourage everyone to answer these questions, too, and peel back a layer. Answer as though you are not afraid of what others will think.


1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Being surrounded by geographic beauty. Being surrounded by people who know how to love. Peace. A world without competition, power-brokering and self-centeredness. I look forward to a world one day where differences will be embraced and celebrated.

2. What is your greatest fear?

Being abandoned and completely alone. I remember too vividly what that was like and it is the stuff of nightmares.

3. Which living person do you most admire?

Thich Nhat Hahn. The reason for that is that he is able to present universal truths that transcend religious views and cultural semantics. Everyone can relate to his message.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Cynicism.

5. What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Cruelty

6. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

"Hard working". Hitler was hard-working. It says nothing about integrity or kindness. "Cheerfulness" for the same reason.

7. On what occasion do you lie?

When the truth would be cruel or demeaning to another.

8. What do you dislike most about your appearance?

I'm too heavy. It's not that I care what anyone else thinks about my weight but I am not happy with it. (Working on it. :)

9. What is your greatest regret?

I don't think regret is useful. It's a mental trick we play on ourselves but it is truly useless.

10. What or who is the greatest love of your life?

I don't think I have found that yet. Additionally, I have such a hard time weighing and measuring these things. At the moment I am loving someone or something, it is intense and complete.

11. Which talent would you most like to have?

The ability to write a book ~ a good book.

12. What is your current state of mind?

Currently, I am being plagued by a low-level dysthymia.

13. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would be a more joyful person.

14. What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Surviving and coming out the other side of a very difficult and vacant past without turning to bitterness or meanness as a means of coping. Sobriety. It would have been so easy to stay drunk.

15. If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

I believe I would come back as a monk. Seriously. I really am a rather monastic person now by nature. Most of the things "of the world" are not of much interest to me.

16. What is your most treasured possession?

The journals of a very wise former friend who is now on the Other Side.

17. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

No longer recognizing the inherent good in other people or myself.

18. Where would you like to live?

Northern Thailand.

19. What is your most marked characteristic?

Stubbornness, eccentricity, persistence, a willingness to stand up for the things I believe most strongly. Compassion and empathy drive those qualities. I truly care about other human beings and animals. On the negative side, I can be very single-minded and rather judgemental.

20. Who are your favorite writers?

There are simply too many to narrow it down to a few.

21. Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Anne of Green Gables. She was so wonderfully good-natured and resilient. She was joyful.

22. Who are your heroes in real life?

Of course, my first would be Ajahn S who was able to dig through all the crap in my life and point me in the right direction. I am alive today because of him. He has truly been my "angel". The remainder of my heroes include all of those who are overcomers.

23. What is it that you most dislike?

Meanness, self-centeredness, pettiness, competitiveness

24. What is your motto?

“Be the change you want to see in the world”

25. Favorite Journey?

Walking along a certain path in Khon Kaen with Ajahn S.

26. What do you value most in your friends?

Kindness, commitment, passion, reliability

27. Which words or phrases do you must overuse?

I can't think of any offhand.

28. Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Joan of Arc. Okay. Go ahead and laugh. :)

29. What is your greatest extravagance?

Books, clothes

30. If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

That they would learn some of life's more critical lessons and choose to be more loving people.

31. What is your favorite occupation?

Writing

32. What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Kindness

33. What is the quality you most like in a man?

Kindness

34. How would you like to die?

In my sleep.. in Thailand

35. If you could chose what to come back as, what would it be?

A person. I would like to come back as a person who can offer more to the world than I can in this incarnation.

~*

Please let me know if you decide to answer these questions. I'd love to read your answers.

Others who have answered the questions:

Home in Kabul

Rickshaw Diaries

Guilty With An Explanation

Living Next Door To Alice

FlutterCrafts

Madness, Madness I Say


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Synchronicity is the root of coincidence....

This week for Sacred Life Sunday, I decided to write about the whole concept of synchronicity.

This past weekend, I made a decision that needed to be made a long time ago but inertia got the better of me. I am going to be moving from here sooner rather than later.

A lot of things plagued me about this decision. First, and the primary thing, is that I am a control freak. Risk is not my friend. Leaving things to chance is not something I am comfortable with at all. I like things planned and calculated for risk and having a Plan B for every situation keeps me in my comfort zone. I also play absolute hell with my rather weird sense of ethics. Things came to mind like "what if she dies alone because I abandoned her?" I battled a lot with trying to create a balance between what might be an entirely selfish decision with what on some levels is strictly healthy self-preservation.

While meditating in the garden, I began acknowledging the six directions, the winged and four-legged creatures, the water, the sky, the rocks, and all living things ... something I practiced and continue to practice since my time in Thailand. The fact that yesterday was a significant Thai holiday during which people honor water had me in that frame of mind anyway. I talked out loud to these spirits as I pulled weeds and removed dead blooms from many bushes and plants. Sometimes I stopped to play a dedication on my penny whistle. This is probably as close as I get to what might be considered conventional prayer.

Prayer works best when it is not for anything in particular. It just opens a dialogue. But that doesn't matter, not really, as a message from God, the Gods or however you define That Which Is Bigger Than All Of Us is usually incomprehensible or passed over and not noticed — not immediately anyway.

Yet as the day went along I began to notice the answers to my concerns in the form of a phone call and a visit from someone I know will help the person I am concerned about after I leave.

The pieces fell together as I realized how I can execute the move without either getting into debt or having it cause a great deal of upset. It was as clear as if it had been given to me on a step-by-step list.

I know I will be able to leave here with a free heart, knowing that I am not leaving anything behind that will create harm. It still amazes me that we can give up some control and trust the flow. This has been my most difficult lesson. I needed this obvious synchronicity to drive the point home, to put me at peace with my choice. It is very reassuring to know that I can make some decisions on my own behalf, because they benefit me, and still know that I will not be leaving a trail of harm behind.

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Just a reminder: If you would like to participate in Accentuate the Positive for December, please forward your post (or someone else's) to thailandchani at earthlink by the last day of November.
The objective of the link list is to offer a series of posts that emphasize good news whether it is your personal good news or something happening in your community. It is just a good reminder of the good that surrounds us.

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Horse Manure!

I'll let this picture give visual aid to my opinion of "Black Friday".

When I woke up early this morning, I turned on radio news. In bed, warm and cozy, I listened to the reports of people who stayed out in the cold all night long but talked animatedly about the bargains they would receive as a reward.

It reminded me of tailgating. The party atmosphere. They sat along the wall of the store, portable heaters blasting, wrapped in blankets, waiting for friends or family who would bring them coffee and hot food. They excitedly talked about the purchases they anticipated.

The thing I found so utterly disgusting is that particular mall is about half a mile from a homeless camp.

Bet they weren't sitting in a line, all smiles, warming their hands, drinking coffee while the vision of expensive electronic goods danced in their heads.

Some things just make me sick.

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Let the music speak for us....

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First a note to those who celebrate: I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. To those who don't, I hope you have a peaceful, untroubled day.

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This week's Roundtable is a discussion of music, life themes and the music that touches us most. (By the way, Julie, here's some Kajagoogoo.)

And two of my favorites from the 80s: Marillion and Tears for Fears :)

I'm also including this post in Wellness Wednesday because, after all, we all know that music helps make us better. While I'm too lazy to do the research, I know this is true.

It's been said that music tames the savage beast and I believe that to be completely true.

The music that has always spoken to me is the soft, the gentle, the folkish ~ the songs that speak for me, say things that matter when I don't have the words.

It can range from Jackson Browne's "Lives in the Balance" to Janis Ian's "At Seventeen". Music helped me process the things I saw around me when I was much younger, before I had my own voice. It helped me put it into words.

When Simon and Garfunkel sang "Sound of Silence", I felt as though those two men had reached inside me, read my mind, dove into the crevices and said what I couldn't say, particularly when I was so young and felt like no one in the world could possibly understand me. Adolescent angst was something near and dear to me.

I really did see myself as a tortured soul, another Jack Kerouac. And perhaps I was. It's a legitimate identity for many people.

Music helped us find each other, those of us who were on the sidelines, those of us who were alienated, those of us who never quite got caught up in the typical adolescent concerns. We discovered our commonalities and each other by listening to these songs that define so much of who we were as individuals and collectively. At least for those of us who grew up in the 50s, there were many topics we were not to discuss. Yet the "stuff" wilted and molded under the rugs. We learned at a young age that certain things were not to be said in polite company. The songs spoke for us.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never shared
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

Music pulled the rugs up and exposed the underbelly of a way of life that was supposed to be a fairy tale and was really not so much a nightmare a blissful banality. This one by Malvina Reynolds comes to mind:

Little boxes on the hillside, Little boxes made of tickytacky
Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same
There's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses all went to the university
Where they were put in boxes and they came out all the same,
And there's doctors and there's lawyers, and business executives
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

And they all play on the golf course and drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children and the children go to school
And the children go to summer camp and then to the university
Where they are put in boxes and they come out all the same.

And the boys go into business and marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

The nightmares came later. Phil Ochs spoke to the beginning of the end. In NYC, when a woman was brutally murdered on the street and no one responded, he wrote this song "A Small Circle of Friends".

Look outside the window, there's a woman being grabbed
They've dragged her to the bushes and now she's being stabbed
Maybe we should call the cops and try to stop the pain
But Monopoly is so much fun, I'd hate to blow the game
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends.

Riding down the highway, yes, my back is getting stiff
Thirteen cars are piled up, they're hanging on a cliff.
Maybe we should pull them back with our towing chain
But we gotta move and we might get sued and it looks like it's gonna rain
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends.

Sweating in the ghetto with the colored and the poor
The rats have joined the babies who are sleeping on the floor
Now wouldn't it be a riot if they really blew their tops?
But they got too much already and besides we got the cops
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends.

Oh there's a dirty paper using sex to make a sale
The Supreme Court was so upset, they sent him off to jail.
Maybe we should help the fiend and take away his fine.
But we're busy reading Playboy and the Sunday New York Times
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends

Smoking marijuana is more fun than drinking beer,
But a friend of ours was captured and they gave him thirty years
Maybe we should raise our voices, ask somebody why
But demonstrations are a drag, besides we're much too high
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends

Oh look outside the window, there's a woman being grabbed
They've dragged her to the bushes and now she's being stabbed
Maybe we should call the cops and try to stop the pain
But Monopoly is so much fun, I'd hate to blow the game
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends

Down in Santiago where they took away our mines
We cut off all their money so they robbed the storehouse blind
Now maybe we should ask some questions, maybe shed a tear
But I bet you a copper penny, it cannot happen here
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends

Each generation has its songs, the ones that take us back, remind us of the social changes that took place when we were most open to thinking, pondering and experiencing.

I've often thought historians should pay a lot more attention to music since it typically chronicles a culture more effectively than any academic tome. It journals what's important in the day to day lives of ordinary people, what a people have been through, where we're all going.

~*

Courage and faith.....

I've seen a few posts about courage lately and it got me to thinking about that topic.

I see courageous people every day although they may not be the courageous people of novels and movies. They may not be able to run into burning buildings and save lives and they may not jump out of airplanes but they are courageous.

It's hard to come up with an operational definition for courage. Maybe it's something we know when we see it but can't conjure it up and put it in a neatly defined box.

I know that I am not a courageous person. There are times when it appalls me how little courage I have ~ by my own definition.

Would I run into a burning building to save someone?

Yes.

That's not choice. It's human obligation.

Would I jump out of an airplane?

If properly trained, yes, I probably would.

But courage, I suspect, is more in the realm of the everyday. It depends on a willingness to suspend emotional safety. The physical is so much easier because we can train for that. There are coaches and teachers who are more than willing to pass that knowledge along.

One of my greatest weaknesses is an inability to step into the unknown enough to really test my own faith. Sitting in the safety of my own home, it's easy to have faith. It's easy to believe in the inherent goodness of all, the benevolence of others and a deity.

When it comes to the rough and tumbleness of the outside world, it's something I've never handled well. I've completely chickened out, even to a point of creating an ability to detach that is unhealthy. I know my limitations and the things I would not be able to handle.

I don't have what it takes to raise a child or walk someone through something so devastating that my mind can only comprehend it in small chunks. I don't have what it takes to be a single mother, struggling to feed her kids. I don't have what it takes to ever face the kind of bone-breaking poverty that some face on a day to day basis. I'm not the sort of person who would be resourceful in that situation. My past method of coping with truly hard stuff has been to run. I'm a Master Runner. When it comes to running from difficult emotional situations, I would easily win the International Marathon.

While I've certainly had my tests, thankfully the two I mentioned have not been among them. My tests have always involved having to create from scratch rather than to cope with something that already exists. I haven't done a smash-up job in the creating department, either.

This is one way I've allowed myself to be entirely spiritually lazy. I've allowed myself to live a very insulated life, one that holds safety, not wonder and amazement. I've lived on a diet of bland food, in a manner of speaking.

I believe next year's spiritual challenge has been presented ~ in the form of a blog post read in the dark morning hours.

I must be more courageous. I can not be of service to anyone when I am perpetually wandering aimlessly down the Yellow Brick Road like the cowardly lion, hoping a wizard will give me courage.

I'll do my best.

What do you think about courage? What gives you courage?

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Sacred Life Sunday... Books

Since I have been lost all weekend in a book, one that transports me to another place in time to get a glimpse of people I'd never have any way of knowing, who have ideas that are foreign to my way of thought, I decided that it is a book that is making my life sacred at the moment.

"Sacred" might seem like an overstatement. Most would think of a sacred book as being the Bible, The Dhammapada, The Q'uran, the Gita or some other book that specifically delineates or instructs a way of life. One might think a book that is life-changing would be viewed as "sacred".

But all books are life-changing.

They are the great equalizer. They allow us exposure to new ideas, new places, other cultures, other ways of life, people we'd never know otherwise and probably people we wouldn't want to know. They force us to examine things we might not examine otherwise. They promote values or lack of values. They reflect periods of history we'd never know otherwise.

Books are available to everyone. Whether you spend half your monthly income at Border's the way I do or whether you borrow from the library, books are available. You can go anywhere you choose, any time of the day you choose and you can learn anything you choose.

It is knowledge that provides us with choice. And choice is sacred.

So this week, I choose books.

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