Word of the Year.....

Now that my high-speed has been restored, I was blog-surfing again and saw this. Rebecca presents the idea of choosing a word for the new year. It's a good alternative to the "I won't [that] anymore" or "I will do [this] from now on."

The idea of the word is to create a theme for the year. It is around a central concept that will change the way we look at things. It's amazing how a different lens can change our perspectives.

My word is "reconciliation". The idea behind it is to begin building bridges instead of walls. I began working with the concept a few months ago, deciding that bearing the responsibility of changing an entire culture was a bit more than I can handle. Concentrating on finding the things that unite us rather than the things that separate us is what I will be doing in the future. It does take a conscious effort.

I started by reading a lot of books that are well outside my worldview to discover the commonalities. Talking to others who see things differently and listening with an open mind has revealed many things we share. We just say them differently. If we stick with the dialogue, we'll find that we mostly want the same things.

In the micro, it means "restoration of harmony".

That includes moving from a place where there is a lot of chaos, anger and upset to create a more peaceful environment of my own in a new residence.

It means restoring harmony to my body by treating it well.

It means restoring harmony to my relationships by stretching my own worldview to include new people.

It means making a conscious effort to honor the beliefs of others without finding a need to criticize or correct them.

It means participating in activities that promote a positive change. The paraphrased quote of Mother Teresa comes to mind. "I won't participate in an anti-war rally. Have a pro-peace rally and I'll be there."

It means finally being able to relax. It means an end to the feeling of urgency that propels me into warrior mode. God's business is God's business. Mine is to be a bit gentler, to step a bit more lightly.

That's my word. Reconciliation.

What will be your word?

Wishing all a peaceful, kinder, more fulfilling 2009.



~Chani
~*

Fatigue, Frustration or Fear.....

If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace. - Eckhart Tolle

I am still on dial-up, perhaps for another day (assuming the problem can be solved). At any rate, I figured it was still time to post something.

This past month has been one of many changes for me, all of them good in the longrun.

By some weird twist of fate, I was able to spend an hour on the phone with Mona Grayson. For those of you unfamiliar with her, she does a lot of work with the methods developed by Byron Katie.

Ordinarily, I don't go for that kind of thing so much ~ finding it rather shallow and ineffective. Furthermore, "success-motivation" is extremely unappealing to me.

Still, the conversation evolved between us rather naturally and we skipped the superficial stuff and got right into some more global concepts. She taught me how to use the Byron Katie method which is basically a series of questions we can ask ourselves about any given situation. The situation itself is irrelevant. It's our beliefs that matter. The real purpose of the questions is to challenge our own beliefs.

They are:

1) Is this true?

2) Do I know for a fact that it's true?

3) How do I react when I have this belief?

4) How would my life be different without the belief?

As an example, one of my beliefs has been "I have to remain angry about the world because it proves I care".

That belief certainly brings me no peace and is disrupting the natural flow of life. I can't be a 24/7, wall-to-wall, 365-days-a-year dissident and remain in balance. It is a belief I have to release. It doesn't mean I don't care. It just means I have to be willing to look at things differently and develop a new approach.

The method is not the be-all and end-all, but it's a good method to use, just to check in with ourselves and see what we're believing and why. It's a good starting point.

Another thing that occurred is the last tie I have to this area has been released. I no longer choose to have a tie to the wat because the people are unreliable. It's constant false starts and people not following through on commitments. The person I was closest to here and I have decided to move on. Basically, it was about the same issue: unreliability. She was constantly setting appointments with me and not showing up or calling. Her excuse was the usual "I've been busy." Yeah. Well. We all are. Time to move on.

The final tie was to my doctor. When we find a good doctor, someone who understands the integral nature of all of our health issues, it's good to stick with the guy. You know? That was my intent and I was willing to stay here to continue working with him.

Well, according to the news reports, he was driving on a foggy night at a high rate of speed (90 miles an hour) and may or may not have been drunk. He totaled his car and died on the scene. Of course I am sorry for his family and friends. I hope he has found peace on the Other Side.

From a purely selfish perspective though, I will be looking for a new doctor. I have several health issues that all combined create a need for someone who is willing to use alternative methods of care. Without that willingness, I'd be doing nothing but taking pills and dealing with side effects. I'm not willing to do that.

And there's nothing saying I have to find a new doctor in this location. I can literally go anywhere.

I've been on the wrong path for a while. There's also an aphorism that fits for that, too. "If it brings fatigue, frustration or fear, you're doing the wrong thing. You're on the wrong path." I've had more than my share of frustration.

It's not anything I feel the need to detail.. but I've been on the wrong path and I'm changing course.

I'm broadening my range of possibilities in terms of housing. Because I need subsidized housing, that takes a bit more time than a typical house-hunt would involve. The fact that I can now look anywhere in Northern California makes the possibility of results much higher. A coastal area would be nice.

I'm also setting a firm boundary in my life when it comes to unreliable people. I'm no longer willing to deal with that. It's been hard to set that boundary because I've been overly invested in always being understanding, always feeling the need to make excuses for other people's bad behavior and living with the fear that if I don't put up with it, I'll be completely alone. Of course that is a false belief.

So that's what I've been doing in December.

I'm wishing for a better 2009 for all of us.

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Happy Holidays....

If you have an ideology that empowers you, I am happy. It doesn't matter if it is Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity or Islam, a shaman or simply a belief in the goodness of all. If you are learning to trust yourself, if you are becoming more open in your mind and your heart, then I am happy for you. It doesn't matter what path you are on, what symbols you believe in, or what scrolls you consider sacred. It is the fruit of your beliefs that matter, that you are seeing divinity.

May you all have peaceful, happy and contented days, regardless of how you choose to acknowledge them.

Peace,

~Chani

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Update.....

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Thanks to those who wrote and asked where I've disappeared.

I am still on dial-up and can't see most of your sites because of the slow page loads. That means I can't comment. Some sites, I can't even read. That takes away half the pleasure of blogging because it's the interaction that makes it meaningful. The back and forth of commenting and sharing with each other is what makes this worthwhile. Without that element, it doesn't hold much interest for me at all.

Supposedly, my Linksys will be fixed on 12/24. When that occurs, I'll be back to commenting, reading and writing.

For those who celebrate, I hope you have a good holiday. For those who don't, I hope you have a relaxing week.


Peace,


~Chani

~*

An interesting call.....

Yesterday while I was doing laundry, my cell phone chimed off in my pocket. Normally, I don't carry it around but was expecting a few return calls and didn't want to miss them.

The call was from someone I know from the wat, the one I wrote about last summer. It's something I thought was gone from my life. Lots of things happen behind the scenes that we never know about. I'm coming to learn that.

The guy (I'll call him Ta) told me about several things that have been going on there and asked for my help with straightening it out. There was a criminal act committed and because of language barriers and so on, they're not getting the response they need from the police. I agreed to talk with the police for them and continue following up until it resolves.

That's not the real point of this message though.

I am the sort of person who needs to be needed ~ and I need that community as much as they might seemingly need me.

But I've discovered now a second person in my life who seems to consider me to be a personal service object. Both of them like the idea that I should be sitting home, exclusively available to them when they might happen to have a moment in their overcrowded lives to acknowledge my existence. The people at the wat wanted to reach me some time ago and she denied them my phone number. She had a conflict with someone out there and is angry. I get that. I know what happened and I would be angry, too. I supported her choice to remove herself from the community. I just question her right to use me as part of her revenge. It's impossible to even fathom that kind of self-serving meanness.

Ta told me that they'd asked for my number several times and she said "no". Just "no".

And by doing this, she has denied me the right to make my own choices. She had no right to do that!

I may or may not choose to talk with her about it. For now, I will ignore her calls until I am over these negative feelings. If I talk to her right now, I will burn the bridge.

My thought at this point is that I will just carry on and do what I want to do and not discuss it. The thing that makes me so upset about this is that she knows I've been wanting community, that I don't like being alone. Rather than honor my need and be a part of making my life better and allowing me to help her make her life better, she intentionally isolated me for her own purposes.

I am beyond pissed off. I'm far too hurt to be pissed off. I'm disgusted!

What I want to do is concentrate on how to recognize people like that so I don't draw any more people in my life who figure I exist for their convenience.

Any suggestions?


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The Poster Boy for Arrogance...

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So how about this Blagojevich business? Can you believe it?

I just heard that he is refusing to step down as governor.

Given the tapes and the other evidence against him, he should have the sense to step down until he is either proven innocent or convicted. This tells me he has no respect for the office, for the citizens of Illinois or for the nation in general. He has no respect for the office itself. If he had any integrity left at all, he would resign and lay low.

The tapes were particularly difficult to hear. Blagojevich spoke with such blatant greed, such blatant entitlement, such blatant vulgarity that I don't believe the issue of his character is up for debate. It's obvious.

As hard as it is sometimes to respect a position or an office, I believe anyone assuming the office is duty-bound to respect it. That is part of the glue that holds a society together and anyone in one of those positions has a higher expectation of good character than those who don't. Abuse of power is probably one of the highest crimes I can imagine. It is a betrayal of trust. Trust, as we all know, is hard won and easily lost.

Corruption in government is not particularly surprising. It happens everywhere, in every country, at every level. It would take a particular naivete that I do not possess to assume otherwise.

At the same time, I do believe that those who engage in corruption should be subject to harsh consequences for their betrayal. This crosses all political and ideological lines. A spy for our own country is just as bad as a spy for another country. There is no moral neutrality in deception and betrayal.

Just my opinion. :)

Peace,


~Chani
~*

Monday

I'm still here. Still on dial-up (as I will be for the rest of the month).

I've been doing a lot of meditation work over the past several days. Deep stuff. Yoga. Part of the reason for this admitted self-torture is that I've decided it's time to move past judgement, into a place of acceptance and compassion for all people, not just those who think and believe like me.

Wow. There's a strong statement.

I put up a fairly good front in terms of always sounding fairly compassionate and accepting. And on some levels I am. But it never ceases to amaze me how quickly I get pissed off when I'm exposed to too much western thinking. (Sorry... but this is a truth place. I hope everyone knows that I am not trying to be offensive or disrespect anyone's belief system - but to maintain my integrity here, I try to speak my truth. My objective is that by speaking my truth, maybe others will feel free to speak theirs as well ~ and that is where healing begins.)

In meditation, I'm exploring that place, that angry place, the remembrance of how betrayed I felt by that kind of thinking and how many painful times there have been because I couldn't cram myself into that little box and live there. I couldn't be who I was expected to be. The isolation, the feeling of being brutalized and traumatized, the feeling of not being able to understand it ~ it all must be acknowledged and processed through because without doing that difficult work, I run the risk of continuing to over-eat and ~ worse case ~ end up back on the bottle. Even worse, we all miss out on the healing that comes from being exposed to different types of thinking and reconciliation.

The interesting part of the meditation is that on exhales, I've found some long-buried feelings that needed to come out, lots of old tears. (If you try, you can tell the new tears from the old tears. The old tears come from the core place, the center of us. The new ones come from the surface and go away fairly quickly.)

It's hard work.. but I'm committed to it so ~ on it goes. Every morning. No matter how long it takes.

In my readings, I found this really wonderful quote:

Insight opens your mind. An open mind leads to an open heart. Open heartedness leads to justice. Divinity is oneness with Tao. Oneness with Tao is freedom from harm, indescribable pleasure, eternal life.

Tao Te Ching

~*

The times when I am not doing that, I've been reading a book, recommended by one of my blogging friends, called "The Hour I First Believed" by Wally Lamb. It's a wonderful book and I can barely put it down! Wally Lamb is a very good author but you have to be in a certain frame of mind to take it all in.

The rest of the day ~ this cloudy, foggy day (my favorite kind), I'm going to read that book, make some pineapple fried rice and settle into my most comfortable chair ~ lap blanket in place.

Wishing you all a comfortable chair and a lap blanket!


Peace,


~Chani

~*

Just another day in paradise.....

My cold has turned into bronchitis. Oh my gosh.. I am sick!

The past few years, I get sick a lot more often. Part of it is probably a natural consequence of getting older but certainly that's not all of it.

Yesterday, Charles Eisenstein's latest article on health, obesity and culture showed up on Reality Sandwich. It's a good read. If you get the chance.....

He makes many good points.. but that isn't the real point of this post...

I almost got robbed this morning. This is something that's going to come up frequently for a lot of people during this season.

It was in the parking lot at the grocery store. (At Fulton and Hurley, for you Sacramento readers.) I can't live without Havarti cheese so I decided to go buy some, along with drinking water and some tortillas. The drinking water is quite heavy in those large cases and I was putting it into the trunk.

As I tossed my groceries into the passenger seat, a guy came up right behind me. There were other empty parking spaces. It was still fairly early. He wasn't just trying to pass me to go into the store. I turned around, looked right in his eyes and said (or croaked, as the case may be), "You scared the hell out of me! Stand back!"

Surprisingly, he did just that ~ muttered a weak "I'm sorry" and took off in the other direction.

I mention this because it is one of the very good recommendations I read somewhere. When someone approaches in that manner, look them straight in the eyes ~ letting them know you've seen them and will recognize them ~ and then speak up so that others will hear you.

It may not work in every case but it worked in this one.

(Just in case anyone is wondering, I did make a police report so there is a description available if he tries to do that again.)

Wishing everyone safe shopping!


~*

There is no judgement here....

Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and pain, fame and disrepute are the eight worldly winds. They ceaselessly change. As a mountain is unshaken by the wind, so the heart of a wise person is unmoved by all the changes on this earth.

Buddha

We are going into the time of year when I live in a nearly constant state of cognitive dissonance. It's hard. No kidding. I can't even escape it temporarily by getting stinking drunk! Gee, sometimes there just ain't no justice! :)

So I've decided to be a big girl and try something this year to avoid falling into some of the old traps I've fallen into in the past which inevitably lead to unhappiness for me and some of the people who surround me. Even though I understand a lot of things intellectually, sometimes my emotions get away from me and my patience is short.

It's time to work on staying away from judgment. Admittedly, I can get very judgmental and righteous this time of year. It's easy to get into that frame of mind when the over-saturation begins to play a symphony on my last nerve.

The judgment comes when I hear people talk about the stress of the time and then start whining a bit too much. My internal and immediate reaction is "well, you chose it!" I know I should be kinder and more understanding because this season is something that means a lot to many people.

I'm not saying my reaction is okay. I expect more of myself but here's the confession: I often do snap to judgment and it's not always compassionate.

On the other hand, I'd like to think I am mature enough and decent enough to try to grow beyond it. I'd like to challenge myself to be more compassionate, more understanding, more respectful and more generous with my resources, emotionally and spiritually. If I behave differently, I give you full permission to verbally swat me upside the head.

I'm also going to give myself permission though to retreat when I need to do that. I may not be here as much or at your sites as much. I'm really going to try to balance this out in a more healthy way.

So it's going to be up and down.. a bit here and a bit there. The commitment I make though is that I will do my best.







~*

Don't Let Them Take What's Yours.....

Joe, co-CEO of Office Tiger in Chennai, India

I wrote here a bit about having a lot of computer issues over the past week or so. I needed some time to think about one element of it though. To solve the problems, I had to call Earthlink multiple times to get the dial-up established. It's a temporary measure - for more reasons than one.

My call was forwarded, of course, to a call center in Chennai, India. The people were certainly nice and tried to be helpful but that' s not the point of this post.

The point can be summarized in this short sentence: Shame on Earthlink!

The call center is not just a call center. It is Office Tigers which is an American corporation that hires hundreds of young Indian men and women to provide telephone support to American customers.

The first thing that happens to these young people is that they are stripped of their names. Raj and Praya become Spencer and Jessica. It is a condition of employment.

They are not allowed to wear their native clothing. Instead, they have to adopt western business dress. The men wear slacks, white shirts and ties. The women have a bit more latitude but they are still discouraged from wearing saris.

They have "pump 'em up" meetings, pushing American corporate values of efficiency and profit uber alles. Again, attending the meetings is a job requirement.

Being who I am, I can't keep my mouth shut. While talking with one technical support person, I told her that I was aware that she couldn't respond to my comments but to please listen.

I said, "Don't let them take what's yours". I told her that I know India is a beautiful country with a wonderful, deep and rich culture. I asked her to not lose herself in that job. Enough said.

She was silent for perhaps 15 seconds or so. She said, "You are the first American who has ever said that."

I told her about having seen the documentary and that I was very aware of the practices of Office Tigers. I also told her that cultural respect is something important to me.

She helped me solve the problem I was having and we hung up. But I know I made an impression.

I think it's extremely socially irresponsible of Earthlink and other companies that are using a service that strips human beings of their names, their customs and their culture.

Shame on you, Earthlink!

I'm not happy about being an Earthlink customer right now. As soon as I can get something else, I'll dump it like yesterday's garbage.

Maybe it's time to start speaking up about this kind of thing. Most of us are annoyed when we reach a foreign country for customer support and technical services but it goes a bit deeper than that. The people are being treated like chattel. They are being treated like property, as though their sole purpose in existence is to be pleasing to their American overlords.

That's not acceptable in this day and age.

And another thought: Don't Americans need those jobs?

While I don't usually support the idea of boycotts, I do in this case. Earthlink and all the rest of them need to lose their customers until they bring the jobs back to the US ~ and at the very minimum, boycott Office Tiger!






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Oh my gosh, I'm on dial-up!

~*

Comcast finally came around yesterday and refused to configure my Linksys. Never one to be thwarted, I am using my back-up Earthlink dial-up account. To say it's slow would be the understatement of the century so my posts might be rather bland until I'm up and running again on something faster.

Meanwhile, it's rainy and cold today so I'm cozy in my chair, watching The African Queen for the five-hundredth time! Charlie and Rosie are good company. There's a line-up of movies over the next few days that will definitely keep me under this lap blanket, tea in hand... watching and watching.

These sort of things really delight me, although I'd imagine it would be boring to anyone else. I don't require much to be content these days. Just a good movie, a good book, something decent to eat and occasional company.

In this case, the timing is well - because in addition to being stuck on dial-up, I've got an ear infection to beat all ear infections. It's like being in an abandoned mine. Makes me grateful to not be a canary.

I'll be back in a few days, hopefully with something a bit faster than dial-up and something worth reading. Hope you all have a good holiday - if that's what you're going to be doing. If not, I hope you have a peaceful day.






~*

Not ignoring anyone.....

~*

Sorry I haven't been around to comment this week. My Internet access is really spotty and the technician won't be here from Comcast for a few days.

I'll probably be back Friday. For those who celebrate, I hope you have a good holiday ~ and I look forward to visiting your sites again. :)






~*

If the economy is putting a crimp in your style....

I've been curious to actually ask this question, whether the economy will alter anyone's Christmas plans. Since I don't participate, it's become a matter of curiosity.

In some deep dark crevice of my constantly pondering mind, I can't help but think the economy may be a good thing. People will have to come up with other ideas for their celebrations ~ something beyond buying "stuff" and creating debt.

If you had absolutely no money, how would you do it differently? How would you explain to your kids?


~*

Coming to Peace....

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha

... and perhaps increased understanding...

Thanks for all the great comments on my last post. I've had a few days to think about them and have come to a few conclusions.

(I have deleted part of this post that basically expresses a lot of mean-spirited opinions about another person. That is not really what I want to project into the world so removing it is the only thing that feels right. I've left the parts that pertain to me - my feelings and experience. It's simply not my place to take someone else's inventory on this site. I apologize for being so mindless.)

At the risk of sounding selfish, I have been giving from an empty well for a long time. My primary concern right now is to fill that up. I am coming out of a very long drought that has left me parched and thirsty. My life force is low. My companionship needs are not being met and I spend far more time alone than I think is healthy. Not to say I don't enjoy my alone time ~ but there's a point where it becomes unhealthy. The truth is that I'm not getting any younger, either ~ and I have my own issues to address.

That means I can't be around this house as much as I have been. I've signed up for volunteer work and have signed up for a Tai Chi class on the weekends. There are activities at one of the wats and I have to get all my "stuff" organized so that I can move easily. Right now, my energy has to be focused on creating my own social network and my own life.

I will always continue to give to others when and where it is appropriate and am given the opportunity to do so but I am not going to sacrifice my own well being for someone who is incapable of reciprocity.

Not score-keeping. Reciprocity. They're not the same.





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Keep on using me until you use me up....

Do you usually find that it takes some sort of major event to make you realize that you've been used?

I haven't written much about this here but I've been having housemate troubles. I've rented the mother-in-law unit in this house for quite a few years and during that time, the owner of the house has begun aging rapidly.

I've always openly helped her as I believe that is what my faith and culture demand of me.

She's always had a somewhat colonialist attitude. Usually, I can blow that kind of thing off. Someone else's attitudes really aren't my issue and as long as they're not overt about it or rub my nose in it, I'll ignore it. Dust on my shoulder, as the song says.

Recently some things came to light that have led me to realize that I am going to have to move out of here soon or I'll be gobbled up.

If you can imagine someone being unable to be happy for me when something goes well, that is what I'm dealing with. A mutual friend informed me of this ~ that she is resentful of my good fortune lately. In her mind, that means I am no longer as available to her as I have been in the past because now I am expanding my life to include other people and other activities.

Something shifts inside of me when I realize a person is capable of being so selfish that she can't be happy for me. Lately, I'm having a very difficult time even looking at her. Every conversation is a strain. The very presence of her is so repugnant that I feel nausea.

My spirit of helpfulness ~ which is intrinsic to who I am ~ has been temporarily put in Protective Custody. This event has caused me to withdraw deep inside and resist any attempt on anyone's part to claim any dependence on me for anything. It doesn't feel very good because that's not who I am.

I just know I feel disgusted. I feel violated. Right now, I can't see the good in her at all. My mind is simply incapable of processing that kind of selfishness.

I'm not angry. Surprisingly. With a temper like mine. This is something that goes beyond anger. When I see her now, it is like looking at some alien lifeform. It's rather frightening that she seems not quite human.

Right now, I am not feeling compassion. I am not choosing love. I am not choosing forgiveness.

Right now ~ in this moment ~ I just want her to stay the hell away from me. I don't want that kind of spiritual filth in my energy field.







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Sacred Life Sunday

He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self in all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye. - Buddha

Staying focused on the good things we have to offer the world makes a big difference. And then offering them makes an even bigger difference. I'm not sold on the whole "self empowerment" movement because that brings us off-balance as much as going the other way... but thinking of ourselves positively (the same way we would any other friend) and then putting those good things into action is truly "kreng jai" (kindness).

Ego is like a security blanket. Sooner or late, we grow out of our need for it.






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One of the things I committed to doing once I became mobile again is to get involved in things outside my own home and immediate environment.

I've been driving around like a whirling dervish, trying various things that interest me, volunteer opportunities and ~ well ~ just anything that sparks me at the moment.

Last Saturday, I went out to another local wat (yes, more wat drama) because they offer language classes that I'd like to take.

I don't think I have ever encountered a less welcoming group of people, all of whom stood around in their small groups, not interacting with each other in any way. By nature, I'm not a socially aggressive person and wandered here and there, trying to find a comfortable opening. They were having their usual Saturday morning feed. While the food smelled great, I had no interest in having any.

The reason is that it didn't seem possible to penetrate those cliques. (Maybe next time, I'll take a bunch of Tupperware, buy it and bring it home.) Seriously though, I don't think even one person made the effort to say "hello", "sawadee", "who the devil are you" or "kiss my a... ".

Typically, I do better with groups that have a common focus ~ such as reading groups, classes of some sort or a common activity. It seems much easier that way. The socializing can come after getting to know each other when there is already a commonality established.

I left that place feeling almost shell-shocked. I'm not accustomed to blatant rudeness and am usually received well, wherever I choose to go. I might not be adopted into the family or included in anyone's will ~ but I'm generally treated kindly and with courtesy.

So I'm looking at the idea of giving it one more try tomorrow morning, just to see if perhaps it was a bad day ~ or there was something going on that I don't know about. It would be easy to just write them off as a snobbish little community, satisfied among themselves but that might be a bit premature.

I'd be interested in hearing your views on this.... not what I should do so much as what you would do. How do you handle situations like that? Burst in like you own the place, back off, write them off or keep trying....

~*

Moorings.....

It's always interesting when several people blog about the same topics unprompted. What's even more interesting is when it ends up being something I was thinking about anyway.

I started to comment at this site and realized my comment would be too long. (Don't you all secretly love it when someone nearly writes an entire post in your comments section?)

There are probably many reasons why someone adopts a belief system or a religion. For me, I did it because I felt rudderless without it.

I came to this incarnation with a sense of alienation. The world felt Kafkaesque. It's a difficult thing to explain in any concrete way that would be easily understood by other people. It's not that I was 4 years old and could say "I feel alienated" but there was a hollowness there that revealed itself in many ways. Frankly, I couldn't understand why I was here and wasn't sure I particularly wanted to be. In the end, it seems to be one of those "you won't understand if you haven't been there" feelings.

Over the years, I tried a lot of things to become rooted. When I was old enough, I was very political and was a powerhouse at a podium, arguing for my cause du jour. I had a big mouth and wasn't afraid to use it. At the same time, that lingering alienation was always just below the surface, threatening to pull me into the abyss. Before that, younger, I was just a common wanderer, an ideological nomad.

It's not that I would be a "bad" person without a fundamental, guiding belief system. I'd just be ineffectual.

None of the belief systems I tried eliminated that empty feeling and I've tried most of them. There would always be something that didn't fit. I couldn't pretend for very long.

The belief system I currently hold fits in every way ~ for me. I'm not going to say what it is intentionally because I'm not selling belief systems here. Most who have read for a while know what it is anyway. If you don't know and want to know, ask me. I'll tell you.

What works for me this time is that it is a belief system that offers structure but also leaves a lot of room for self-determination and thought. It involves a lot of choice. It doesn't address issues of a supreme being. That is up to the individual to work out for him- or herself. It provides an ethical base but doesn't tell anyone how to believe/vote/practice when it comes to any particular issue. That is also up to the individual to choose how to apply the principles. There's a comfortable level of ritual and interestingly, none of the holidays can be politicized.

There are multiple traditions, so it's possible to find one that "fits". The beliefs are fundamental but how they're applied is an individual decision. The standards of behavior are basically the same as all the other major world religions. Be a decent person. Be a compassionate person. Love other people and try to do no harm.

I'm a firm believer, perhaps because of my own experience, that a rudderless existence is probably one of the hardest incarnations. Those of us who come with a blank slate and have to choose everything for ourselves have to work really hard to find the right thing, to root ourselves somewhere, nurture the growth and wait to see if it blooms.

Some people claim that any kind of religion or spirituality is for people who, as my ex-husband used to say, "can't think for themselves."

Well, I can definitely think for myself. And sometimes get into a lot of trouble with all those undirected and unfocused thoughts.

I don't think religion or spirituality is for those who can't think. In fact, I think it is for people who are willing to think. It's for people who want to give some form and substance to their thoughts. It's a direction. It's a mooring.

I don't claim to know what's right for others ~ but I do know what's right for me.

Why do you believe, if you do?

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Waging Peace: Proposition 8

We cannot change the past, but we can change our attitude toward it. Uproot guilt and plant forgiveness. Tear out arrogance and seed humility. Exchange love for hate --- thereby, making the present comfortable and the future promising. - Maya Angelou

This morning I've been doing some blog-surfing and have been reading some disturbing things.

It seems the afterglow of unity may be wearing off.

Since Election Day, there have been demonstrations here locally in response to the passing of Proposition 8. That's a good thing. That's educational. That is providing an opportunity for the public to hear some of the facts and considerations they may not have heard during the height of the campaign.

There has also been violence and the vandalism of Mormon temples in various cities in California. There has been a lot of anger and disparaging remarks made in the blog world about those who voted for the proposition.

It's hard to imagine how people who had been supporting the idea of unity among all Americans could behave this way because the unity might be marred by those who believe differently.

Maybe a critical point is to understand that many of the people who voted for it are ignorant (in the dictionary definition of that word - not a substitute for "stupid") of all the facts. Perhaps they are at a different level of evolution. They are still responding from fear.

How is hating those people going to dissolve the hate they expressed by supporting the "othering" of an entire segment of the population?

I'm only asking that people seriously consider this. It's easy to sit down and write vitriol. I've done it a few times, too. It's easy to try to "get even" with those whose thinking we find repugnant. It's easy to demonize an entire group of people, such as the Mormons, because that makes them different than us. It makes them not one of us. It turns them into a target for discrimination.

But that's the low road. Responding to hate with hate is equally repugnant. And it compounds and compounds until there's nothing else left.

Part of Barack Obama's message, as far as I'm concerned, was all about High Road thinking and unifying actions. It's about choosing our responses mindfully, looking at the larger picture and making a decision that will unify rather than separate.

The best way to change thinking (in my opinion) is by example. Be the change we want to see.

Maybe a key question to ask when deciding how to choose a response is "is this going to improve our community or further divide it?"


Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.

Buddha

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Sacred Life Sunday: You Say You Want An Evolution....

This morning was very pleasant. Simply pleasant. I went to the park for a long walk, MP3 player securely in my ears, listening to New Age music.

I was lost to the world. However, I did notice that people were a bit more upbeat, smiled a bit easier and said "good morning" a bit more freely.

Naturally, I think it's the Obama Effect.

Everyone seems a bit more hopeful.

Have you noticed this?


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