Anyone for rabbit stew?

Saturday I went out for a long walk. It was a rather gloriously warm day and a walk was the perfect way to be out in it. Still, I was on edge. I wasn't sure whether there would be a pot of rabbit stew on the stove when I came back.

I came home to find my cell phone chirping a happy little chime, letting me know I had voicemail.

I was reluctant to listen to it, given the events of the past few days.

An old friend contacted me. He's someone I haven't talked with for several months. I was rather happy to hear from him at first. We had a pleasant conversation and the words flowed like a river, each of us catching up on the life events of the other. We hung up happy.

The next day, the phone rang again. It was him. We talked a bit more and ended the call on a happy note once again.

A few hours later, I heard Fur Elise again. It was the phone.

It was him.

This time, he seemed a bit more aggressive but I didn't take it too seriously. I skirted around the more unseemly comments and changed the subject.

7.00 PM. Fur Elise. Now I'm getting concerned.

It was him.

He talked in a way that truly creeped me out. References to our "partnership" and how he never would have expected that after not talking for so long that I would instantly feel "love" for him "again".

I never loved him. He was a casual friend. I explained that as diplomatically as possible. Apparently, he didn't catch the subtle clues.

The next day, Fur Elise. I ignored all four of his calls which came in rapid fire, one after another, within two hours.

I decided to take action on it by writing him an email. I wrote:


I'm sorry I missed your calls. I have not been home. [really, I was ignoring him] At any rate, after giving it some thought, I really don't think we should talk any further. You are a really intense guy - which is fine - but it just doesn't work well with me. I do wish you all the best but please don't call me again. Best, ~Chani

Within minutes, the computer was chiming incoming mail. He wrote:

What you are is a self centered person that only thinks of herself. You need a partner that just accepts everything that you do. If you think its ok not to return someone calls is ok then let 14 be eternity for you. A decent woman would let someone know when she changes her mind not just change it. You need an overhauling

Wow! What in the world? This is a guy I had lunch with a few times several months ago! He's not a "partner". And, yes, as a matter of fact, I do expect people to accept the things I do.

I shot a final email back.

I'm sorry you feel that way.. and I'm sorry you feel the need to wish ill-will on me. I was never your partner. I was barely a casual friend. More of an acquaintance. You need a reality check. Still, I choose to wish you well - because that's who I am ~ and I'm self-centered that way. May you be well and happy, ~Chani


All this to say ~ there are some real wackos out there! Who would have thought someone like me, someone who is rather invisible in most circumstances would attract such a thing?

Happy to report he has not called back. Oh. And I changed my ring tone. I will never hear "Fur Elise" the same way again. :)
~*

Credit Card Shuffle

Okay. The truth is that I have too many credit cards. And I shuffle them. It's sort of like a ponzi game. I apply for the cards that offer the No Interest Until Armageddon option, get one, transfer the balance on a card that is coming close to Armageddon, close the account and move on. Meanwhile, I pay absolutely no interest. Ever.

This morning, I transferred the balance on my Washington Mutual card to Citibank because I am due to start paying interest in April on WaMu. Guess which card has my recent trip on it? Yep. WaMu. Now I will have a year longer to pay it off without interest.

This gets rather complicated but the point of this post isn't to lament my financial problems.

These credit card companies make me laugh!

Each time I get an offer in the mail from some company, they try to entice me with all kinds of choices. Would I like a picture of my dog on my card? How about Disney characters? My picture? The Grand Canyon?

No Khon Kaen? No boats on the Chao Phraya?

But I have to choose something. The application will not be processed without choosing my very own card design. So many critical choices!

I'm content with a plain old grey plastic card with numbers, a logo and expiration date on it.

Perhaps what they should do is allow us to send a photograph from our personal collections and have them put on the plastic.

Can you imagine? Self-expression while getting further in debt. Perhaps we can design our own cards with our very own artwork! Or we can list all of our significant interests and hobbies, kind of like a personals ad.

Might as well.

I can't do anything else. I owe too much credit card debt.

:)

So tell me your credit card horror stories.

~*

Into The Wild.....

I know I haven't had much to say here lately. There are reasons for that and I'd rather not go into all the specific reasons - but I've had some internal work to do that shouldn't involve others. So I filled this space with quotes and impersonal exercise ideas. It's just something very hard to communicate and I chose to silence myself.

One of the changes I've made here is to delete my sitemeter. It was depressing me. I will not be able to visit new visitors now unless you say something. I will have no way of knowing you were here. I miss a lot of the people who no longer drop by but know there is nothing I can do about that.

I've been watching movies. Yesterday I watched an interesting one that raised some interesting points as well as emphasizing some important truths.

It is called "Into The Wild" and involves a young man who decides to remove himself from the craziness of the world and go into the wilds of Alaska. He left after having graduated from college, wanting to avoid the typical mainstream traps of career and family.

Along the way, he met several people, all of whom seemed to like him very much. It didn't mean much to him which is incomprehensible to me since I am somewhat socially dependent. He enjoyed their company in the moment and moved on freely, no regrets. This isn't to say he was a "user" of others in any malignant way. He simply chose not to attach. At one point, he said "I think people make a mistake when they say the only meaning of life is in human relationships."

He continues to retreat more and more. He eventually ends up living in an abandoned bus in Alaska.

I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, but it did raise some interesting thoughts.

Is choosing not to attach the healthiest way to go?

I think he discovered that it is not. See the movie to get a sense of his final discovery. I will say here that the final entry in his journal said "Happiness is only real when it is shared."

Being one who used to believe it didn't matter, I've also discovered that it does. That is why I am putting more energy into finding local people to be involved with. One of my new activities is at the local Lao wat. (Yeah, it's not Thai - but any port in a storm! The traditions are similar.) They seem to be very nice people and it is a wonderful feeling to be around the happiness of others once again. My next trip out will be at the beginning of April for some weekend activities they are hosting.

This seems to be a logical step. While my ultimate goal is, of course, to go to Thailand, I am here for now and am not ashamed to admit that I need companionship. Ever since I came back from Thailand, I've been acutely aware of how lonely I've allowed myself to become.

And, yes, I allowed it. It doesn't happen outside of me. I've allowed it to go on way too long and get far too deep.

So I won't be around here as much. But I'm not going away entirely. Not at this point. I will only make that choice if everyone ultimately completely loses interest in me.

See you in a few days. May everyone be well and happy.

~*

Sacred Life Sunday: Walking Meditation

I have an aversion to aggressive movement. Hammering a nail is uncomfortable because the jerking, pounding motions feel unnatural.

It's been a problem for me with many work-out routines in that it almost seems I have to be angry to make the motions meaningful.

That's why I've gravitated to things like yoga and tai chi. Qigong. Things that include slow, fluid movements and lots of stretching.

Lately I've been turning my walks into meditation time. (Sitting meditation drives me nuts. I have the attention span of an infant and just can't make it work.) Walking meditation serves the purpose of exercise for my body as well as my mind. It gives me a chance to pay attention to how my feet feel on the ground, the scents around me, the sounds, the atmosphere.

The best thing is that it really helps to somehow integrate my mind and body, to draw them together instead of always feeling somehow at odds with my body - as though it is something separate to be carried around. I've always had an incongruous relationship with my body and feeling disconnected from it.

Those who have a much faster pace of life than mine will probably find it useful for intentionally slowing down and feeling more connected to their environments, not mindlessly going from one task to another.

I've found that it's best to find a place where I will be uninterrupted by traffic. A local park, around the neighborhood or even in a large department store. All of those settings work. At least for me, I've found it needs to be outdoors, not on the treadmill.

Try it. You'll probably like it. :)

~*

Contact....

"You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other."

"Contact" - movie 1997

~*

Wellness Wednesday: Improve the Silence....

Before you speak, ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?

-Sai Baba


~*

Sacred Life Weekend: Feed Your Head....

Friday afternoon, I received "The Power of Myth" DVD set from Netflix. Needless to say, I couldn't wait to watch it and found it so entrancing that I listened to it the entire day. Listening to it is like having the richest, healthiest most satisfying meal.

Taking a break from that, I read "The Yoga of Eating" which really changed my thinking about so many things. It is a gentle, kind approach to feeding our souls so that we don't have to feed our bellies in quite the same way. :)

He speaks against self-denial and discipline, citing the origin of that type of thinking, and instead suggests that we begin to see our bodies and our minds as the same, not separate. It is not a battle between the body and mind - it is not a dichotomy - but instead learning the language of our bodies so we can provide for them and care for them more effectively.

I've just begun "Ascent of Humanity" by the same author. So far, it is wonderful! I'll write more when I've finished it.

~*

Wellness Wednesday: Use What You Have

When I think back (which I don't like to do), I realize how much I missed out on, how much I didn't do, because I didn't have what I thought I needed to have.

Exercise is one example. For a long time I didn't do anything because I believed I had to have a gym membership, weights, a treadmill or some other special equipment. As anyone reading here knows, I am not a wealthy person.

Fill empty milk bottles with water for weights. Walk on the street instead of on a treadmill. Use a long rubber tube to stretch with. No one needs a gym. It's a luxury.

All of this to say, we can always find a way. It doesn't have to be difficult and it's a bit too easy to fall into the consumerism trap that tells us we have to buy certain things to get certain results. Merchandisers want us to believe that we need what they have because that keeps us buying and in debt.

In all things, it's important to get out of the "if only" thinking. If only I had this, I could do that. If only I was this, I could have that. If only I had it, I would be happy. If only the sky would turn purple.... If only....

This goes far beyond material things. It also applies to all other aspects of our lives. We all come with the internal software that we need to survive in this world. When you consider, our ancestors certainly didn't have all these products - nor did they need them.

It's a type of limitation thinking that leads to subtle, low level depression. There's nothing worse than feeling like we can't make changes in our own lives. It benefits only those who want to make a profit off our insecurities.

So I am learning to use these limitations as an opportunity to be a bit more creative ~ and to further simplify my life, lessen my dependence on "stuff", which leads to more freedom.

~*

Spitzer, Spitzer....

Are we surprised?

Tell me you're not!

In watching this yesterday, the first thing I noticed was the decidedly unhappy look on his wife's face. Can any of us even begin to imagine her humiliation?

I, for one, am sick of hearing about men and their inability to control their sexual urges. I'm tired of women being hurt by it.

I don't believe for one minute that Spitzer is really sorry. I think he's sorry he got caught!

He risked his family's well-being, risked his wife's health (STDs, disease, etc), risked his children's well-being since they will lose faith in him and he damaged his community.

Shame on him!

~*

Just a question today.....

Because I am otherwise absorbed today, following up on some of your wonderful suggestions (and all of them were good... thanks :), I am going to ask a question instead of writing a long post.

What song would you sing to your newborn child?

~*

Wellness Wednesday: Believe in Something.....

Something I've been thinking about for Wellness Wednesday is what the key components are for really being well. Not just healthy, but well.

I am a person of strong beliefs. Some might even say opinionated. Both are true. :)

But I remember back to a time when I was blown about by the wind, taking in belief systems like the latest fashion trend, always trying to root myself in something whether it fit or not. My world felt like shifting sand, always subject to the "weather" of the moment.

During my life time, I've been involved in everything from conservative Christianity to atheism and most points in between. None of those things fed my soul but I wanted an identity. I wanted a community. I wanted to belong.... so I'd rather adeptly adopt whatever surrounded me.

That wasn't healthy of course and certainly didn't make me well. In fact, it made me feel hollow.

There's a certain tearing-down process that takes place as we discover our own core beliefs and begin to live them. That becomes a foundation from which we make our choices. For me, that took place in Tucson where I'd arrived after a particularly difficult experience on the east coast. I remember looking at the brick wall in front of me in the little cottage I'd just rented, knowing that my life could not remain the same. I found a mentor and began exploring.

Most of the foundational beliefs we discover are rooted in some system that was established before us, rooted either in culture or ethnicity. None of us are islands and there's very little truly original thought. As we go along, we begin to pick them apart, examine them, turn them over in our palms like a stone, eliminating the things that don't make sense and find truth in the rest. Sometimes something so strongly grabs us as truth that we can't avoid it. That is what happened with me in Thailand.

As we begin to live it fully, it adds color and clarity to our personal tapestry. Mundane things take on a richness. We have more to give others because we're standing on solid ground.

It's not easy and it takes a lot of courage, particularly when our choices are different than the majority who surround us but I honestly believe we can not be well without it. There is a lot of truth to the title of an old country song which says, "You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything."

What do you believe?

~*

Blogging and the Workplace....

It's Julie Day. This week's question is multi-layered. What about free speech and blogging? Should there be consequences for what we blog? How about workplace blogging? How about the courts?

When it comes to free speech, I am a purist. That is to say.... any of us have the right to blog about anything we choose. With that comes responsibility. The first rule of blogging, in my opinion, is "do no harm".

The consequences can be varied. If you write drivel, people will probably think you're an idiot and not read what you have to say. If you defame someone, they have the right to sue. If you encourage others to commit an illegal act, or admit to committing an illegal act, there will probably be legal consequences. If you are the propaganda minister for Al Qaeda, you will have all the western intelligence services monitoring you. If you threaten someone's life, you'll end up in jail.

That said, you still have the right to say it as long as you are willing to deal with the blowback.

As for workplaces and blogging, I believe employers have no right to limit or restrict blogging, except during the workday on their systems. Unless someone has a classified position, in which case he or she will be monitored by security personnel, no employer has the right to butt into the personal lives of employees. Even someone with a classified position has the right to blog as long as he or she does not blog about sensitive material. If he or she blogs about Contingency of Government plans, it will mean some time at Leavenworth. Barring that, give the director of the CIA a WordPress template. Bring it on!

When I was still working, I was one of the few employees whose access to the Internet was not restricted. Most of us in the IT department spent large chunks of our day on the Internet because it was necessary for our jobs. No one particularly cared what we did when there wasn't something pressing and most people walking by would see "yahoo", "CNN", some sports site or eBay up on someone's screen. My guess is that some people probably blogged. At night, I used to listen to radio shows on the Internet.

Employers come up with a million excuses for restricting access but they're flimsy and transparent. I know this because I used to have to spit it out like pablum when people would ask to have their access unrestricted. Security, open ports, viruses, blah blah blah. It's all nonsense. Any company with decent computer security will not have that problem. (Just as an aside, AIM or any of the teleconferencing software [chat rooms] will create security problems but that's unrelated. Access to the web or the mail server will not cause that condition.)

Employers enjoy too much control already in our lives. In the sick recesses of their own foul dark little minds, they believe it's appropriate to control what an employee does at home. We're hearing more and more of these cases come up in court. Employees are property and therefore owe undying allegiance to the company store. Everything they do is considered to be a reflection on the company.

Baloney! It's not appropriate and they need a slapdown. In this respect, I am completely in line with the libertarians. What people do in the privacy of their own homes is their own business. No one else's. It seems that once they gained access to our body fluids, all bets were off and they assume unlimited access to every other facet of our lives.

There was a woman who got fired for blogging. I don't remember the specifics but I recall the general circumstances. Was it Dooce by chance? She was saying things her employer didn't like. She was writing about her coworkers and conditions at work.

She may have sued the pants off them and if she did, I hope she won.

Working people need to be talking about these things. We need to be sharing our experiences, our pay, and our conditions. It's a good idea to remember that a lot of these rules have nothing to do with the security of the companies. It has to do with the security of those in charge. They don't like it when we talk to each other. Blogs can serve as guerrilla journalism so they want to restrict it.

So.. as always in a workplace, keep your mouth shut, your butt down, your back to the wall and your powder dry.

In the privacy of your own home, outside the workplace at a restaurant or bar, at the gym or at your keyboard, let it rip! Blog until your fingers are numb. We want to hear what you have to say.

~*

This morning....

This morning, the power was out when I woke up so I decided to walk to the corner to get some coffee at Starbucks (which ordinarily I wouldn't even consider). The cars were all backed up at the light which was, of course, flashing. A major intersection became a hellish four-way stop which is always a mess. I thought about all those people sitting in their cars, probably going to jobs they hate and then having to deal with such an inconvenience. I thought, "well, I wish them all peace" and the power came back on. I know the two events are not connected .. but it still made me smile.

~*

Sacred Life Sunday: Loyalty

Yesterday, I watched an interesting movie. It is called "Breach" and is about the Robert Hanssen spy case. As far as I'm concerned, it is the best spy movie since "The Falcon and The Snowman".
But this isn't a movie review.

Both movies were interesting character studies and it got me to thinking about loyalty, how we form loyalties, how we maintain them and how betrayal leads to larger betrayals. It also made me think about how important loyalty is to our identities.

Robert Hanssen seemed to be a person without roots. He attached himself to his interests with extreme intensity but the intensity was only on the surface. His conservative Catholicism rated right alongside his interest in guns and there seemed to be no differentiation or compartmentalization. He also struck me a person who was surrounded by community but never felt "a part of".

I am not advocating spying, of course. I dislike all forms of betrayal from the minute to the global. It's all the same. I don't quantify it.

What matters in this is not national security or state secrets. What matters is how we form community and where loyalty fits into that. What caused Robert Hanssen, Ed Howard, Rick Ames, John Walker or any of the other more famous spies to betray the national security establishment to which they belonged?

For me, there can be no community without loyalty. They are inextricably linked. I am also a person who forms strong loyalties which makes it hard for me to understand more casual connections or strictly utilitarian connections.

I can't imagine a life without loyalties. It is my foundation, my root. It is what keeps me connected to the planet. Without loyalty, it would feel like being lost in outer space.

Loyalty is linked to security. We get loyalty by giving it and it is an integral part of feeling safe in the world.

So what about Robert Hanssen?

The only thing I can think is that he felt so betrayed that he was unable to develop the loyalty necessary to want to protect his community. He is a complex man apparently, but lacks the insight to see it or express it. One line in the movie really grabbed me. Hanssen talks about how "the US can be likened to a powerfully built but retarded child." The motivation may have started as a desire to prove a point, then a slow burn into addiction ~ making fools of those that would not listen. I think it also fed an emotional need to feel connected to something strong and powerful that pretended to value him by giving him money and praise.

So what are your thoughts on loyalty?
~*

Weekend Chatter.....

I've made the decision to surround myself with positive books and positive thoughts for a while. This is like anything else. It's a habit. Thinking negatively and my own personal downfall, cynicism, takes a deliberate effort to change.

I ordered a few books this morning based on the recommendations of Olivia at Happy Luau. Any of you who have not visited her blog, please do. She is someone whose thoughts resonate very well with my own - but she has the added advantage of being good at translating motivation to action which is not one of my finer honed skills.

So I am following her lead on the books. I've ordered "The Yoga of Eating" and "The Ascent of Humanity", the latter of which I suspect more succinctly says what I've been trying to say on this site for the past seventeen months. The difference of course is that Charles Eisenstein is an educated, clear thinker where I am tangential.

This changing.. this changing our thinking.. I've never believed is a matter of simply choosing to do it differently. It's a process of education, of learning. We have to learn to think differently. Saying "I refuse these thoughts" is useless unless we replace it with something else.

~*

On another issue, I was reading a blog this morning that seems to be promoting bigotry. She says (the only reason I am linking is for verification, not because I want to give her the link or unknowingly promote her blog.) that learning to say (and teaching others to say) "I hate fat people" will be one way to discourage people from eating too much, from getting fat to begin with. I find that manner of thinking to be small-minded and utterly hateful. In a way that is not typical of me, I left a snarky comment.

It wasn't anonymous. I own the comment and am willing to defend it.

The dialogue continues. Please feel free to come by and join. It could get interesting.. but please be nice. :)

~*

There are a lot of people who believe that shaming works, that we can shame people into changing patterns or doing things differently. Shame and fear. "I better not be fat because people will hate me and I'll be shunned" is very different than "I don't want to be fat because I respect my body and my life. I want to be healthy."

~*

So.. what do you do to stay positive?



~Chani

Moment of Truth

Has anyone else seen that horrible reality TV show "Moment of Truth"?

It is the one that puts people on the hot seat and ask very pointed questions while hooking them up to some sort of lie detector equipment.

They ask questions like "do you love your husband", "would you rather be married to your former girlfriend" and "do you think you are a better mother to your children than your mother was to you?"

I find this horrifying! They exploit these people, break up marriages, hurt family members, embarrass and humiliate friends, all in the name of "entertainment"? The people who choose to go on are trying to win money? It's sick! And it's socially irresponsible.

What are your thoughts on this? What do you think should be the limits of reality TV?

~*

Wellness Wednesday.... Wisdom

Shortly after I went to Thailand the first time, I recognized how culturally conditioned I'd become. When I made the decision to become a part of Thailand rather than apart from it, a lot of my assumptions came up and bit my behind.

While being called "blue-eyed Thai girl" and all that made me feel all warm and fuzzy since it represented acceptance, I felt ersatz. I wanted to understand the depths and find all the hidden corners. Thousands of years of history and I knew next to nothing about it. I wanted to lift the rug and find out what might be hidden beneath, both good and bad.

I discovered how hard it was to get beyond cultural conditioning. I was raised in an environment where a lot was assumed and I didn't realize how arrogant, how colonialist, I could be until I forced myself to live in another culture as one of its own. I didn't know idealism could be another blind spot. Without realizing it, I was shoving my ideas down everyone else's throat (gee, just like I do on this site! Wow!) , saying and believing I knew what is best for everyone and how they should run their lives individually, their communities or their country.

It was kind of like Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady". Why can't a woman be more like a man? Why couldn't they be more like me?

We get really attached to these things, this conditioning, until we realize it's not quite so wise after all.

One of the problems most of us develop is compulsivity. Obsessiveness. There are so many "shoulds". When you create ideals, they become compulsive and the shoulds start in earnest. Idealism is nice.. but it's not real life. I don't think any of us should give it up but we need to recognize its limitations. The feeling that we always have to be in motion, that we always have to be making things better, that we always have to have more to do, more to be, more to have.

It's not that the shoulds are necessarily wrong. Most shoulds are rooted in truth. Of course we can be nicer, be kinder, be more open, better-natured and so on. If things were perfect, I'd be perfect, too. I would be ideal and my society would be ideal. We would all be perfect. Then there would be nothing more to do. But that's not the way life is.

That is where 'conventional wisdom' begins to fall apart. It sets us up for failure and constant dissatisfaction. It sets us up for constant unhappiness. We set ourselves up to believe something can always be better than this, whatever this is.

Sooner or later, we come to realize that the very things we spend our lives craving are all subject to change and loss. Everything changes and everything eventually ends. Then we suffer.

It seems to me that the better part of wisdom is that recognition.. and knowing that what we have is right now, this moment, and what we have is each other. And that is perfect enough.

~*

It's None Of My Business.....

As you can imagine, my recovery from years and years of being a crusader is a challenging one.

(Another one of those things that makes quitting booze look rosy in comparison.)

Saturday night, I had a marathon phone conversation with someone very important in my life. We talked and the hours flowed. We are somewhat accustomed to these calls and there are very few stones left unturned in our discussion of the spiritual challenges in our lives. We share our experiences with each other and to the best of my knowledge, neither of us hang up unsatisfied.

It's like a wonderful, filling meal that's also healthy.

Offhandedly, I commented that I am still having some difficulty in letting go of my need to spout my opinions and be critical of cultural conditions that bother me. I need to find peace with here before I can go there.

He said, "I can give you peace about that right now."

"Oh?"

"It's none of your business what they do over there. Leave them to their business. You tend to yours."

What a concept! I'd never thought about it with quite that level of clarity - and I've been chanting it like a mantra ever since.

When I find myself getting irritated with something, I silently repeat "It's none of my business...."

On my sidebar, I have put a statement that says "May all beings be free from the tyranny of my expectations." That's there to remind me, especially when posting here, not to get involved in the usual complaining about situations I can not control, nor should I. We all have our own and it's much healthier to let others learn their lessons their own way. My determination of their rightness or wrongness is inappropriate and mostly unwanted and unnecessary.

It is very freeing to take this approach. It frees our minds to concentrate on the things that really matter instead of spending so much energy trying to control other people or situations.

What do you think?
~*

Addendum: Just to clarify, he was not suggesting that I renege on my personal responsibility to make the world a better place whenever and wherever I can. We are both socially conscious people and care a great deal about larger issues. What he meant is that I should stop allowing the cultural values and customs to rile me up so that all of my energy is consumed by that. If anything, that has caused me to have less energy for the big stuff. Hope that explains. :)

~*

Sacred Life Sunday on Saturday: Suffering

Because I am notoriously bad at following the rules... I am posting Sacred Life Sunday on Saturday.

It's all about identity. The identities we choose. The identities we claim.

I am too fat. I am impatient. I am sloppy. I am not smart enough. I am too smart. I am too skinny. I am American. I am Thai. I am British. I am tall. I am short. I am loud. I am quiet. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a mother. I am a father. I am a survivor of child abuse. I am a formerly abused woman. I am a student. I am an elder. I am ....

I am....

And then....

It's too hot. It's too cold. The neighbor's music is too loud. This doesn't taste good. That doesn't sound good. This fabric is too rough on my skin. It's too windy. My groceries cost too much. There's too much traffic. Everyone keeps bugging me.

How often we declare these things and in the process make them true. How we attach ourselves to them and use them as definitions of who we are.

We use them to separate ourselves from others and to bond to others. How often do we use our suffering as a way to bond with others? We are a group of child abuse survivors. We are a group of formerly abused women. We are a group of men who have been in prison. The sangha of the oppressed.

From the minute we come to this planet through our mother's womb, we start screaming. We start criticizing. All of our senses scream. Taste, feel, smell, hear, see. All the input from the external world begins to irritate us.

That's the suffering inherent in being alive in the material world. All these sensitivities. The sensitivity, the impingement and the irritations come through until we die.

It becomes important at some point to view these things differently. We have to see the world as it is, instead of judging it - or each other. We become identified with the ideals. Our critical minds tell us what others should be, what governments should be, what parents should be, what our partners should be... It's always predicated on some peak experience. Peak experiences are wonderful but they're not sustainable. Everything changes. Constantly. We can become conditioned - or we can become open.

I've noticed myself doing this a lot. I have such strong ideals, such a strong sense of what's right and what's wrong and balance everything against that, that I am making myself miserable.

There's a huge difference between being depressed and pessimistic or truly accepting the world as it is but still finding the beauty in it. The more we are attached to our identities, the less we can see the beauty because we're too caught up in defending our ideals.

Suffering becomes noble when we can finally see it as a learning experience, as an opportunity - even a challenge if we choose it that way. Rather than fear sensitivity, be fully sensitive instead of trying to protect ourselves endlessly from pain or misfortune. Embrace it, understand it, be open to it, admit it, and finally to accept it. That begins to give us some freedom from the pain, the frustration and the irritation, no matter what form it takes. Instead of asking "why me", just say "why not me".

And the final, most important thing, is to detach ourselves from our identities as "those who suffer."

~*

Fat, fat, fat.....

Okay. I'm still dealing with weight loss stuff.

I'm bored with it. By now, I should be so thin that slipping through a keyhole shouldn't be a problem. I should be non-existent!

When I was over there in the place that shall not be mentioned, I was beginning to lose pounds. Even though I just looked like a smaller pear instead of a big one, it was progress. We lived largely on a diet of rice and vegetables, rice and fruit and occasional meat dishes from the local food stalls. We drank lots of tea and water. I never felt hungry or deprived. Occasionally, I'd have a diet coke but it wasn't every day.

So... being a reasonably intelligent person, you'd think I'd be smart enough to continue that here. Right? And I have. To a degree.

But I'm munching again. Yesterday, I plowed through an unseemly number of crackers and onion dip. I drank diet Coke all day.

It didn't take long for the emotional eating to start again. This is my greatest downfall. I have an addictive personality and I replaced booze with food. The problem is that I can't choose to stop eating the way I chose to stop drinking.

As of today, no more Diet Coke and no more coffee. I'll go back to tea, rice and vegetables, rice and fruit and an occasional meat dish from... well.. somewhere.

So.. again.. today... no more. That's it. I'm going to lose this weight if it kills me... which it very well might.

If I can quit drinking, I can quit this. Right?

~*